horny

Two-fer Tuesday, today on “Tiggy”!

Dear Tiggy,

My son is in love with bisexual girl. What are his chances for a relationship/long term happiness?

-Carla

Same as the rest of the human race.

Dear Tiggy,

What do you advise a bisexual woman (and mom) to do when she is in a committed and happy hetero relationship but is having very overwhelming desires to be with women?

From the beginning, my boyfriend was of the opinion that if you are in love it’s just the two of you. I was always like, “I need to be with women when I want to be.” But when we fell in love it was so different and wonderful that I just thought, “Who knows?”

For three years, I haven’t had any bi longings to speak of. Up until now, when I masturbated I thought about my boyfriend and, in particular, his very impressive endowment. I had never felt so straight in my life. I wanted him and only him all the time.

But the last few days have been like I’m on high bi-alert! Last night, I thought of an old female lover when I made love to my boyfriend and I feel guilty about that. I can’t stop thinking about female/female encounters. Every moment I am alone, I am on fire down there and I feel like I am just going to explode. I don’t know what to do.

-Beth

“The last few days”? You’re considering making a change to your happy relationship of three years over a feeling you’ve had for three days?

In that case, I confidently advise you to do nothing.

Masturbation is always a good idea so keep up the good work there. Fantasizing about someone else when having sex with your boyfriend…meh, it isn’t really a betrayal. No need to feel guilty; this ain’t 1984 so we’re safe from the Thought Police. (I mean, I’m sure the NSA knows the minute details of your lurid lady-dreams but you’re probably safe beyond anyone who can invoke the Patriot Act.)

If this bout of horniness really took you that suddenly and severely, you may want to get checked out by your doctor. You didn’t mention your age but could you be pregnant again? Or in menopause? Have you made any recent adjustments to your oral contraceptives? Physiological changes might not affect the content of your sexual longings but they could explain the abrupt overpowering urges.

Acting on these feelings right now is just a bad idea. You’ve got what sounds like a solid relationship with a guy who is unlikely to entertain any form of non-monogamy. If the bi-alert remains on “high” for weeks on end, then you can begin talking to him about your desires and whether you two might revisit the rules of your relationship. But opening it up in any form would require willing participants to be successful (so does monogamy, come to think of it) and based on your letter, I don’t see him reacting favorably to that suggestion. If your tsunami of lust returns to low tide, you’re going to wish you never brought it up.

Bottom line: do nothing, at least for now. I mean, cheese and crackers, you haven’t even given this thing a full week to sort itself out on its own. Just sit with it for a minute.

Louis C.K. expounds upon the virtues of being content with things as they are and also, just, you know, giving it a minute.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

Dear Tiggy,

I saw your advice column for bisexuals and was wondering if you could help me. I always knew that I was bisexual even before I fully understood it. Now I’m about to turn 23 and still haven’t quite figured out how to deal with it. I’m somewhat open about it…some of my friends and family know.

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for a little over a year and I’m seven months pregnant. Lately, I haven’t been able to enjoy sex with my partner nearly as much as I used to (in fact, almost not at all) and I haven’t had the heart to tell him. At the same time, I find myself wanting female attention and affection. It’s driving me nuts.

I’m still pushing myself to be more open and communicative about what I want sexually. He knew before we started seeing each other that I was bi. Things have been complicated for us and not too long ago, we were both having trouble sexually. I admitted to not being able to orgasm and we just ended up being frustrated with each other and ourselves, even arguing a bit about it. Now I’m unsure how to talk to him about this, so I continue to be sexually frustrated.

I can’t see sleeping with anyone but him, yet the desire for a woman is driving me up a wall. It’s adding to my frustration and making it impossible to enjoy my partner. I have a few bi friends but none I feel close enough to talk to, so I always feel alone. Can you help?

—Wild Spirit

I suspect that a surge of pregnancy hormones is playing a starring role in your production of horniness…on Broadway (sorry, I had to). They say that you get some fierce cravings during pregnancy and they’re not just talking about food. On top of that raging storm south of the border, you’re at a watershed moment. In two months, your life will be full, fast, and completely different than before. And you can count on parenthood affecting your relationship with your partner in countless (and probably unforeseeable) ways.

So while I’m typically in favor of charging in all gung-ho and fixing a problem like some sort of sexual firefighter, in this case, I think you need to wait until everything settles. Wait until your body settles, wait until your new relationship with your partner as co-parents settles, wait until your daily routine settles. In other words, wait at least a few months after the baby is born before you do anything to address this problem. Honestly, it might just solve itself. But you don’t want to do anything rash –- like, try to find a woman to scratch your sexual itch –- while everything is up in the air. It would be awful to make such a mistake just to satisfy a fleeting urge when it sounds like you have something very special with your boyfriend.

Try to reach orgasm through masturbation, porn, and sex toys, and let your partner know that because of the pregnancy, you probably won’t be in the mood for sex until after the birth. He’ll live. You will, too. If you’re having the same problem in, say, five months, write to me again.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 4, 2014

December 27, 2011