Sending all my love to the Wild Deuces who caught Bilicious Boston on one of the TWO nights we had it this past weekend. Never forget that bisexuals are everywhere!
Dear Tiggy,
My best friend recently came out as bisexual to me. His sexuality doesn’t make any difference to me and I was very supportive of him since he hasn’t told anyone else.
I would like to give him some sound advice on how to tell his parents because his mother is very…I don’t think “homophobic” is the right word, but she’s not as tolerant as he would like and he’s afraid to tell her.
I suggested perhaps mentioning that I myself am bisexual and seeing how she reacted to that news in order to gauge how she feels about it in general. But I would love to be able to help him out more. He’s my best friend in the whole world and I’m so glad he felt that he could tell me something so personal.
He’s been feeling depressed lately and I’m afraid that’s why. He can’t be honest with the main people in his life.
Any advice?
-Chloe
I’m sure it kills you to see him so down and you want to do whatever it takes to make him happy again, but I don’t think you appreciate what a lifeline you’re already providing to him. You’re a main person in his life and he can be honest with you. How great is that?!
If you’ve ever been to Bilicious, you know that there’s a question and answer period with the performers at the end. At our last show, an audience member asked about how she might come out to her parents. Michael replied that he came out to his father by slipping it into conversation at a family barbecue. He had mentioned his involvement with the Bisexual Resource Center and his father said, “So, what are you, the token straight guy?” And Michael responded, “No, I’m bisexual, hey, can you pass the ketchup, Mom, is there going to be corn on the cob?” Karin suggested that the audience member put a positive spin on it. She broached the topic with her own mother like so: “I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationships with people lately and I’ve discovered a really cool new thing about myself. I’m excited about it and I want to share it with you.”
As you can see, there are various ways to come out and each one is very specific to the parental relationship at hand. That’s why I think you should back away from telling your friend how (and when — does he even want to come out right now?) to tell his mother. It might not be emotionally safe for him to do this now, or with her, or before he does something else, etc. Let him navigate his own path.
I do see where you were going with the “Tell her I’m bi” plan, and there is a certain logic to it, but I don’t think it’s going to be effective. Some parents are OK with everyone being bi…except their own kid. Other parents thoughtlessly rattle off bigoted statements until their kid is personally involved, at which point they realize that their love for their child trumps all of that stuff they thought they believed.
Keep doing what you’re doing. Try to support his choices as he goes through this process. Listen to him. If you’re not sure what to say, ask questions about how he feels so you can listen some more. Listening feels like it’s passive but it makes a tremendous difference. And like I told the Golden Girls, thank you for being a friend, Chloe. It gets better for people like him because of friends like you.
It’s about time I pulled this one out.
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.