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Dear Tiggy,

I’m a lesbian who is dating a bi woman ten years my senior. We’re trying to figure out how to consolidate housing. The thing is, she had a rough divorce when her son was two and survived being a single parent by keeping all of her relationships at arm’s length.

Now that things have heated up between us, she has gone ice cold. Her house is more than an hour commute from mine, and I already spend three hours every week day commuting to and from work. From my house, which she helped me pick out two years ago, her commute to work is only half an hour, and a bus stop that we could both use is a couple of miles away.

Her son is a sophomore in college and on break right now, so she wants to be with him and put our relationship on hold. Since my house is a cottage, we would need to build an addition for her son to have his own room. She thinks instead of selling, she should just close up her house while her son is in school. I don’t like that because I want us to all live together, which means she has to sell or rent out her house.

I am only the second woman she has dated, and the first was long distance. She has started coming out but it’s sporadic so, for example, I don’t get invited to some family functions. We really love each other, but I think her experience with men in particular made her feel like she has to be totally independent from any partner, both financially and emotionally. She doesn’t seem to understand that I cannot go back in a closet –- I’ve been out for 20 years!

We really need help turning this corner, possibly through a couples’ counselor. She feels like she could use someone to talk to who understands her coming out process, since she has lived in a straight world for umpteen years. What do you recommend?

-Let Bi-Gones…

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: this isn’t so much about housing logistics as it is her comfort in being totally out. Good for you for showing such compassion, from suggesting a couples’ counselor (instead of just a therapist for her) to preferring a professional who specifically deals with issues of bisexuality. I’m sure you’re frustrated with this, having been out for a score and in this relationship for at least two years, so your balance between patience and looking out for your own needs is commendable.

Please call or write to the BRC (617-424-9595, brc [at] biresource [dot] net) and tell us where you live so we can find you a bi-friendly therapist in your area. We can also suggest some local resources for your girlfriend that will give her the proper support as she begins to fully accept herself. There’s a whole bisexual community waiting to welcome her!

I’m optimistic that you two are on your way to getting closer, geographically and emotionally. The BRC is looking forward to hearing from you.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

It’s another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy…

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a woman who has been married almost 20 years to a wonderful man with whom I have four daughters. I recently told my husband that I am interested in women and would like to bring someone into our “forever relationship.” He is open to the idea, and we did have a weekend with someone special.

I’m afraid of telling my children, three of whom are adults now. I’m even more afraid of them finding out by someone else even though we haven’t told anyone. How do I tell my children that I am interested in women but I still love their father? Do I tell them separately or all at once? Or should I keep it a secret from them like I have for so many years?

-Lost & Confused

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bi married lady and my husband and I have been swingers for over the last six years. We decided a long time ago that we wanted another woman to join our relationship. I’m happy to say that we have found her and both love her, and we’ve decided to move her into our home. The truth is, I don’t want to introduce her as a roommate but as a second mom to my two teenagers. Would this be a mistake? My kids don’t know that i’m bi, let alone that my husband and I have a girlfriend.

-MTT

Wild Deuces, I always say that there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Of course, there’s no need to go all-out Jonah Lehrer either, but if someone else has a good answer to your problem, Tiggy will happily pass it on to you.

And here, someone does: Loving More, the preeminent polyamory website. Allow me to remind you folks at home that bisexuality describes being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with people of all genders, while polyamory refers to being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one person, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties. They are not the same thing; poly people can be of any sexuality, and bisexuals can be polyamorous or monogamous.

Here’s what Loving More says about letting your kids know about your poly lovestyle:

“Every parent knows their kid best and needs to decide what’s best. As a general rule, however, Loving More always recommends that parents be honest with their kids, in an age-appropriate way.

“Children are perceptive and will pick up emotional nuances between you and others that even you are barely aware of. We find that when parents finally decide to tell their kids after delaying, the kids usually figured it out long ago. Not telling kids can bring them great insecurity if they think one or both parents are having an affair that means the parents are separating. If we want honesty from our kids, we need to model honesty to our kids.

“This does not mean detailing your sex life. What goes on in the adults’ bedroom is not the kids’ business in any household, poly or mono.”

The Tiggster couldn’t have said it better herself. But MTT, let me add something for you: to show up out of nowhere with someone your kids have never laid eyes on and say, “She’s living with us now. Oh, and she’s your new mom,” would be unquestionably detrimental to their emotional health. It’s a bad idea, whether you’re introducing a third in a poly partnership or the new partner of a single parent. Please put yourself in your children’s shoes: they don’t even know that there’s a potential for a new adult in their lives in this capacity. Come out to them as outlined above but don’t move her in yet — can you wait just a few years until they’re out of the house? No matter what, don’t drop this woman in their laps as their “second mom.” I suggest you take this whole thing much more slowly.

For specific tips on revealing your poly proclivities to your progeny, check out Chapter 17 in Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, and Chapter 12 in The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 21, 2012

August 7, 2012