Dear Tiggy,
When I was first starting to come out (which took an alarmingly long time, thanks to that weird myth that teenaged girls having feelings for other girls is “just a phase,” and the lack of information on bisexuality in my very liberal universe), my school had just started its GSA.
The teacher who ran it was an outspoken proponent of gay rights and we all looked up to her a great deal. However, when I asked her if there were resources or group meetings for bisexuals, I was told dismissively that if the person was mostly gay they could go to gay support groups, while if they were mostly straight they didn’t need them.
Although I was too shy and uneducated about the topic to say anything then, I felt angry and hurt. I knew enough to know that what I was feeling was not the same as being gay and that my concerns and questions were worth addressing. It was the first time I was written off for being bisexual, and although it wasn’t the last, it was the most hurtful.
I’m happily out to pretty much everyone now, including the man I’m going to marry. I’ve considered for a while now sending her a message telling her that she hurt me. She is no longer leading the GSA but I feel somewhat compelled to educate her about the issue. Then again, it’s been almost four years since this happened and we don’t really talk ever. Is it worth bringing it to her attention, or will it just make me look petty or insecure? How far should we as bisexuals go to educate those around us?
-Katie
How far each of us goes to educate others about bisexuality is a very personal choice, and one that is sensitive to circumstances. In your case, it sounds like you need to get this off your chest. I say: do it. But how you say it takes some consideration.
If your goal is to let her know that what she said was especially hurtful to a vulnerable, just-coming-out bisexual teen, then you’ll easily accomplish that. If your goal is to educate her on bisexuality, I’m afraid that has a high failure-rate. Approaching someone you don’t really even know anymore with an attitude that you’re curing their ignorance is never taken well.
Keep in mind that when you challenge or debate someone, you’re not just doing it to change your opponent’s mind, but you’re also trying to persuade all of the people witnessing the exchange. The latter is more likely to work and helps a lot more people.
I suggest that you write an essay for Bi Women, the Boston Bisexual Women’s Network newsletter, about the incident with this teacher and how you processed it. (Submit by February 1st so it gets into the spring issue.) Then, send a paper copy and/or the weblink of the issue to your alma mater’s GSA. Encourage them to have a discussion on your article and on how bisexuals feel in the queer community today. It would be even better for all of the queer kids at your old school if you went the extra mile and donated a copy of Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well.
If you think that your former teacher has any chance of seeing the article or hearing about the GSA conversation, you owe her the courtesy and respect of being direct about it. At the same time that you mail the article to your GSA, mail another copy to the teacher with a short, handwritten note. Tell her you wrote an essay that includes an uncomfortable exchange you two had and you hope that relating this experience opens an important dialogue among the queer students currently at your school. Be gracious: tell her that it’s not your intention to make her feel bad about what transpired between you many years ago. Instead, you feel this is an excellent opportunity for discussion.
And that’s how you get closure while turning a bad experience into a positive one for young bisexuals. Nothing petty or insecure about acting classy, girl.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.