heteroromantic

Dear Tiggy,

Hi, my name is Lana. I’m 23 and from Italy.

Since I was young, I’ve felt that my romantic and sexual orientation didn’t match. I fall in love with guys but I feel same-sex sexual attraction. Is this possible?

-Lana

Yes, it’s possible to have a romantic orientation that differs from your sexual orientation. I think we can credit the asexual community for introducing the general public to the idea of romantic attraction as separate from sexual attraction. (Incidentally, just as there are asexuals, there are also aromantics.) AVEN — The Asexual Visibility & Education Network — is a fantastic resource for learning more about this, even if it doesn’t necessarily relate to asexuality itself. Take a gander at the General FAQs for an education on attraction.

Allow me to offer a mere two examples of your many kindred spirits with this discussion and this discussion on the “Empty Closets” chat forums for coming out. That’s right, there are posts from other real, live heteroromantic homosexuals! You’ll see that some eventually choose to identify with a label that’s a bit more simplified. Others found that their attraction developed into something more specific over time. Still more figured out that they were demisexual and could experience sexual attraction once they had an emotional bond with a specific person. This introduced (limited) sexual opportunities with people of genders they originally thought they only enjoyed romantically.

Speaking of asexuals, you might consider getting to know their community, perhaps by participating in the AVEN Italian discussion boards. As a heteroromantic homosexual woman, you could find a terrific romantic relationship with an asexual man who is not bothered if you occasionally have sex with women. (And aces are just cool people to know anyway.) But that’s just one of many choices you have in potential fulfilling relationships. Remember, just because your romantic and sexual orientations don’t match doesn’t mean you can’t find a match.

Tim Gunn, my favorite homoromantic asexual, assures us that the need for everything to match is totally passe.

Please be aware that when I tell you that you can play with a variety of matches, I mean in your relationships. Also, under no circumstances should Axe Body Spray play any role in attempting anything sexual or romantic.

Dear Tiggy,

I don’t fancy any men, but I admit to, on the odd times, going to gay bars when traveling. I also, once in a while, go to gay/bisexual saunas where I give some men hand jobs. I just like both the look and feel of a man’s private parts. I know I fancy the females…am I bi or what?

-U.K. Stevie

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 33-year-old male and I have been married to my wife for about seven years. Unfortunately, I haven’t been faithful throughout the course of our marriage. Perhaps the lack of fidelity is my only real issue and everything else is just moot.

I am extremely attracted to and aroused by my wife, and yet I still have urges to be with men. My wife knows that I had a short sexual relationship with a man before we got married, but I’ve always told her that I was just lonely and being sexually adventurous at the time.

Although I find myself aroused by the male body and genitals, I’m still not sure that I’m really bisexual. I have issues with kissing men, for instance. I’m just not interested in that kind of intimacy with another guy.

I would never leave my wife, but I don’t think I would ever be interested in or capable of a loving relationship with another male. I don’t want to snuggle with another guy or show any signs of affection. I want to have more sex with my wife, and I usually start having desires for men when I haven’t had sex with her in a long time (i.e. a week or so). Am I bisexual or just overly sexual?

-FunTonight69@…

Dear Tiggy,

At school recently, I’ve had a crush on this girl (I’m a guy). With girls, I think about relationships. There is also this guy at school who I think is hotter than everyone, but with him I just want to get on to the you-know-what part instead of the relationship part. The weird thing is, I think the guy is way hotter and sexier than the girl. Am I gay, straight, bi, or just bi-curious?

-Frustrated

Folks, for once and for all: I cannot tell you what your sexuality label is. I’m sure it would be a lot easier for some of you if Tiggy were some sort of sexuality slot machine but she isn’t. The only person who can identify your sexuality is you.

Your sexuality label is a socially-constructed concept, not unlike race. (Repeat: your sexuality label, not your sexuality.) For a better understanding of the implications of this, please read this terrific article from the Fall 2011 issue of Good Magazine. In it, the author describes what race — or “ethnic background label,” if you will — he would be in different places and times. It’s funny to think that you’d be considered a different race depending on where and when you existed, but it’s true. Sexuality labels work similarly; perhaps you’ve even heard someone say, “If I were younger, I think I would identify as bisexual.” Figuring out which label works for you can be particularly complicated for those of us who are “mixed.”

Check out this advice that I gave to someone trying to find her own label. For you three in particular, you might consider identifying as “heteroromantic bisexuals.” That means that you’re interested in romantic relationships with the opposite sex but are open to sexual relationships with all sexes.

P.S. FunTonight69@…, your third sentence? Probably. And a first step in turning over a new leaf might be to stop using FunTonight69 as your handle.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 20, 2015

May 29, 2012