September 16, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a high school student who came out as bisexual last year to my friends and the news has fairly progressed throughout the school since then. After I came out I had my first girlfriend a year after having my first boyfriend.

People assume I’m just lesbian and that I despise guys but that’s not true. So many people refer to me as gay that I’m starting to tell some people I’m lesbian and some I’m bi. I’ve noticed that I choose depending on how I feel about that person. I don’t know why I’m doing this but it is very conflicting to me.

I have a crush on a guy but I feel like I’m holding myself back from telling him because if something were to happen between us, there would be too many questions about my sexuality and too much drama. What doesn’t help is that everyone tells my ex-boyfriend that he “turned me gay,” not to mention the fact that we are all in one sports team. Help?

-Steph

Being on a team is drama. Basic sociology dictates that humans in a group are going to date each other and break up, and observing teammates have to more or less roll with it. And sports are nothing — you should see what it’s like being in a theatre production. It’s called Drama Club for a reason. Anyway, the truth is that if folks are talking about you, that means they find you intriguing. There are worse things than being popular, sweet Steph. It does stink to get bad PR, though.

Since you’re the one who has the interesting business that everyone else wants to be all up in, you ought to revel in said business. Specifically, focus on this guy you’re after and let the Greek chorus that’s following you fade to background noise. Every time you find yourself getting caught up in the peer analysis of your romantic life: stop, recognize it, and redirect that energy toward the dude. You only have so many hours in the day to care about stuff. Prioritizing your energy is vital.

Let me get a little Wizard of Oz on you for a sec: I believe that you’ve always had the brain, heart, and nerve to address those who are curious about your love life. However, instead of giving you a diploma, a medal, or a watch (which was sort of random…?), I want to give you a phrase: “I’m 100% bisexual.”

The word “hapa” was at one time a slur against people who are part Asian/Pacific Islander and part (an)other race(s), as it comes from the Hawaiian word for “half.” But then a beautiful thing happened: mixed race Asians reclaimed the word and connoted it for the positive. I smile when I see “100% Hapa” bumper stickers, knowing it’s a point of pride. (Can you imagine how rad it is to be a hapa bisexual? That’s 200% hapa in a single person!)

So we’re taking a page out of the hapa book for you today. When someone asks you about your sexuality, just say, “I’m 100% bisexual.” It’s pithy, it’s ironic, it’s self-confident, it says all you need to say. Don Draper would love it. If your curious friend mentions that they heard you identify as a lesbian some days ago, you don’t need to get into your experimentation in advertising yourself to different markets; just say, “I figured it out.” You weren’t lying before (or now) and your sexuality didn’t change, you figured it out. Any further questions can be answered with, “Now, now. A girl has to have some secrets,” and a change of subject to your inquisitor’s love life.

Oh, and the next comment about your ex turning you gay should be met with an eye roll and a muttered, “That joke is so old.” If the person saying it is trying to humiliate your ex in front of the rest of the team, go full throttle and state firmly, “Stop saying that. It’s not true and it’s not funny.” If you can, you should privately say to your ex at some point that no matter what has or will happen since you two were together, nothing is going to change the fact that you liked him. Anyone can say whatever they want because what matters is that you and he know it was real.

But enough about him…go get that new guy.

This movie was about 100% better than the trailer made it look.
P.S. Check the poster’s handle. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 6, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am bisexual, female, and in a year-long relationship with my girlfriend, who is also bisexual. Our best friend, “Anne,” is roommates with my girlfriend. Since she is fairly religious, we were afraid to tell her about us but finally did after four months in. Being a rather possessive person, Anne had a hard time dealing with us being in a relationship that she was not a part of. She was angry at first but got much better as time went on.

Today, though, Anne revealed that she had told her sister about us a long time ago so she could have someone to talk to about it. (Note that we are not completely out yet.) Unfortunately, her sister told their very religious father. After a long, grueling phone call in which Anne completely defended my girlfriend and me, her family told her she was going to hell for supporting us and that they didn’t want to see her again until she cut all ties to us.

I feel so guilty. I feel like I ruined her life, and made her choose between her family and me. She keeps talking about how she has nobody to walk her down the aisle and no place to go for Christmas. I have no idea what to do.

Thank you for any advice.

-Guilty

Welp, Anne wanted to be a part of your relationship…aaaaand now she is. But before we talk about that, let’s review the ways in which you are not responsible for her actions or their repercussions:

  • She outed you to her sister without your permission.

  • Her sister told someone you ostensibly never would have told.

  • She opted to fight about it with her father.

You didn’t commit any of these actions that led up to the unfortunate result. Arguably, you might have made a different choice at every turn. You are responsible for none of this and, therefore, have nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, even the part where Anne defended you to her father which, while honorable, was her decision to make. In order to get past your guilt, you need to acknowledge that you did not “[make] her choose between her family and [you].” If you want to put blame where blame is due, how about starting with her homophobic and vindictive father?

Back to Anne. While I don’t think it’s a conscious effort, I do think she’s getting something out of your guilt. On some level, she realizes that wailing about family-less special occasions makes you feel like you and your girlfriend owe it to her to become her new family. Now that she’s martyred herself for you (which, remember, you never asked her to do), she can enjoy being a permanent appendage to your relationship. You know you’re getting played at least a little when Anne is lamenting a lonely holiday a full eight months in advance. “Nobody to walk her down the aisle”…does she even have a boyfriend? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I suggest releasing your guilt or risk having it fester and turn into resentment. The next time Anne cues the violins for her plight as a political orphan, encourage her to consider making up with her father in some way. Tell her that you appreciate her standing up for you and your girlfriend, but you can’t take the place of her family.
 
Guilty: “You’re not our wife.”
Anne: “I threw my family for you.”
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 23, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter has informed my wife and me that she is bisexual. I am very supportive and accepting of her decision. However, she wants to “come out” on her Facebook page. I am curious if that is really the way to do it. I think she should tell her “true” friends and family, as I don’t really feel it matters what the rest of the world thinks. I guess I don’t really understand the Facebook thing when it comes to personal information because you’re not just telling people who are your friends, you’re telling the whole world. Maybe I’m just old fashioned?

-Steve

First and foremost, a big ol’ virtual high-five to you for being a supportive and accepting parent. It’s going to make it so much easier for your daughter to grow up happy and healthy, and she’s lucky to have you.

The thing you need to know about Facebook in this situation is what your daughter’s privacy settings are. Can the whole world really see her page or just the people she “friends”? (Pro-tip: “Friend” is now a verb.) Pretty much everyone I know has their settings on the latter, and that’s especially important for a teenager. In fact, I would recommend that her privacy settings allow only people who are her Facebook friends to message her, and then make sure she understands that she should only friend people she knows in real life. Facebook is for keeping in touch with people you know, not for meeting new people.

Now that that’s sorted, I think we can agree that if she announces this news on Facebook, she really will be telling people who are her friends and family. And yet, I’ll bet you’re still a bit uncomfortable about it, huh? I absolutely believe that you’re supportive of her sexual identity but…well, let me turn your logic around on you for a sec: if it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks, then why not announce it?

Gotcha there, Steve.

When you come out, it’s scary to do so with the people you love the most because you’re emotionally invested in the fallout. But with everyone else – distant cousins, loose acquaintances, and so forth – it’s more of a hassle than nerve-wracking. It’s enormously fulfilling to be out but it’s just so tedious and time-consuming to have to tell every single person in your life. For bisexuals, it’s that much harder because even if we date someone of the same gender, folks tend to figure that we’re homosexual. Bisexuality is never the default assumption, so we’re stuck coming out constantly.

In the olden days, you would tell a couple of gossipy friends and they would mercifully spread the word for you. But the 21st century has come up with a more efficient method: just post the darned thing on Facebook and be done with it. What a relief that your daughter no longer has to canvass door-to-door making sure everyone has heard – she can just hit up Zuckerberg’s electronic town crier. She might not even post an announcement, opting instead to check off “Women” and “Men” under Interested In in the Basic Information section.

What I’m saying is, I think this is going to be more subtle than you’re imagining. Ask her to let you know when and how she announces it on Facebook, and keep an eye on the initial reaction. I suspect her revelation will be received with neither a bang nor a whimper, but the simple, quiet validation of many Likes.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 26, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter, who is a 17-year-old high school senior, recently told me she is bisexual. I feel like she has been lying to me for years and this has taken a huge bite out of my total trust in her.

Now she wants to not tell her dad or stepmom and I am upset that I will be forced to lie about her to others. She is very involved in her schools GSA – in fact, she’s the president – and I have been asked by several people if she is gay. In the past, I always said “no,” but now I feel like that would be a mis-truth.

Should I encourage her to tell her dad and stepmom or leave it up to her? She is afraid of their reaction, fearing it won’t be good. Also, how should I answer curious gossipers when they get nosy? I want to be supportive and not destroy our fragile friendship but I also need to be the parent and guide her.

-Want To Be Supportive

Imagine you are your daughter. You’re 17 so you’re just starting to figure out who you are, which can be confusing and scary. As a teenager, you’re still pretty dependent on your parents’ approval. Some feelings are coming up, feelings that you can’t control. Sorting them out to any degree takes time. Eventually you realize that if you share them, your friends and family might not like you anymore; if you don’t, you might explode.

Can you see how terrified she must be? It speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship that she trusted you with this information. She needs you now. Framing this as a betrayal misses the point. She was likely questioning her sexuality for a while before knowing enough to come out to herself, never mind anyone else. And once she reached that point, she had to risk disappointing you – her mother, her world. None of this has anything to do with breaking your trust.

Can you also see how all of her options for handling this are pretty lousy? Being burdened with someone else’s secret is uncomfortable…but not as “uncomfortable” as your daughter losing her father and stepmother’s acceptance, right? Tell her privately that you don’t like the secrets and lies so if they ask you about her sexuality, you’ll tell her father and stepmother to direct any personal questions about your daughter to her. If she then chooses to lie to them, please stay out of it. Your daughter needs to feel that she has her own agency in disclosing this personal information.

Nosy gossips are much easier to deal with, as they should be ashamed of asking about the sexual proclivity of a minor. Master a polite-but-confused smile and flash it as you say, “I don’t discuss my teenage daughter’s sexuality in public” (the unspoken coda being, “…obviously, you boob”).

By understanding what your daughter is going through, you can let this new reality bring you closer. Read this, consider visiting a local PFLAG chapter, stand by your girl, you’re going to be fine.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 1, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m being bullied for my sexuality, but it’s tricky: I’m a bisexual 14-year-old in northeast Louisiana. Recently, I came out to a friend who I trusted, but they told the entire school. Now that everyone knows I’m bi, I’ve been picked on for acting feminine. I’ve also been called things such as “faggot” and “whore” in front of teachers, who all turn their heads as the kids continue to bully me.

I would try to tell a counselor but my school is a predominantly Christian, homo/biphobic place. Not one adult there supports the LGBT community. Though I’m a larger, more muscular type of person, I’m very mellow, so I am trying not to let them instigate a fight. However, some students have tried to start fights and have threatened me.

What do I do?

—Special K

There are two major things to know:

You are not alone.

In December, a 17-year-old girl in Massachusetts was beaten up for being bi. The BRC made this video for her, and for all of the bullied bi kids out there. You can use the resources we talk about in the video to answer the questions you might have about being bi and to connect with our community. There are hundreds of thousands of us; in fact, bisexuals are the biggest group in the queer community. We’re here for you, Special K.

And you’re not alone as a bullied teen, either. Watch David Aponte’s video where he talks about being picked on for stupid reasons and then having adults at his school react inappropriately. Sound familiar? This happened and still happens to so many of us. The good news is that a confluence of events – including the many “It Gets Better” videos on YouTube, which you should also watch – has brought the issue of bullying to the forefront in this country and it’s not acceptable for adults to ignore it anymore. Which brings us to the second point…

You cannot go through this alone.

You have to tell your parents.

Hold up – you don’t have to come out to them. You just need to tell them that you’re being bullied. Tell them that random kids are calling you names and trying to get you to fight them. If they ask why kids are calling you “faggot” or saying that you act feminine, you can say: 1.) you don’t know, 2.) they’re jerks, 3.) they don’t even know what they’re talking about, or 4.) all of the above. Your parents already know that kids act like this, and that’s why they probably won’t even ask anyway.

I’m really hoping that your school is public because there are certain government standards by which they must abide. This law in Louisiana requires “local school boards to adopt policies prohibiting harassment, intimidation and bullying by students and protecting students and employees who report such incidents.” Your parents can bring this up at a school committee meeting or in a private meeting with your principal. I know it’s beyond embarrassing to have people at school know that your parents are sticking up for you, but they probably won’t know at all. It’s not like your parents are calling other kids’ parents.

In short, they need to bring this to the school’s attention and politely point out that the administration is required by law to do something. The school might then create a student-led anti-bullying group, show the movie “Bully” to the students and faculty, or hold some other awareness-raising program. Trust me, they’ll do something. They can be as backward as they want but let me tell you, there’s not a school in America that wants angry parents, bad press, or questions from government funders about whether they’re following the law. And once your school puts a focus on anti-bullying, the teachers will stop pretending that they don’t see it happening.

Here are some fantastic resources that your parents might be interested in: http://www.stopbullyinglouisiana.org/resources. Please tell them today, and let me know how it goes.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 9, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 28-year-old man in a seven-year relationship with my male partner. For the last two years, we have been in an open relationship and have been very successful in our endeavors – so successful that I have come out to my partner about my sexual attraction to women. He has been very supportive and caring about it, and I can’t thank him enough.

I don’t have much experience with women and I’m not sure how to get the ball rolling. I’ve had a lot of female friends that I’ve had feelings for but never took action for obvious reasons. Should I be honest about my sexuality and my relationship? Am I deluding myself for thinking there would be any women interested in me?

—Gay-Now-Bi

Dang it, what’s with all you Wild Deuces lately thinking that no one is going to like you? Gay-Now-Bi, you’ve got a man who loves you enough for a seven-year commitment and accepts you for who you are. You must be the shiznit to attract caliber like that. I bet the whole district digs your chili.

The answers to your questions, in order, are a solid “yes” and a solid “no.” I don’t have quite enough information on your love style or your specific brand of poly relationship to tell you how to proceed but here’s a possible game plan that you might be able to shape to your liking…

Go to mixed-gender parties or bars and get to chatting with a woman you find attractive. Don’t be afraid to flirt – the ladies will love it. If she asks about your relationship status, just say, “I have a boyfriend but we’re open and I’m bi.” If the situation feels right, you two can make out. Then, tell your dude-lovin’ female friends about it. They’ll be psyched for the gossip, and it gives you the perfect “coming out” tool. Better still, it sets the stage for possibly flirting with them in the future; they’ll be more receptive instead of being caught all unawares. Voila, the word will be out that you’re open for business, and customers will not be refused for too much estrogen!

Oh, one more thing: you might want to get hooked up with the bi community and meet the bevy of women who prefer bi guys. Didn’t know that group existed, didja? Check out Ann Herendeen’s books and stand-up comedy…she’ll tell you allll about it.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.