Dear Tiggy,
First, thanks for what you do. This site has been a very calming place for me as I’m trying to make a safe, comfortable place for my 16-year old son to talk to me.
I learned recently, through social media, that he is searching for a gender identity. From what I gather, he feels like a male most all the time, but really wants to have the freedom to be pretty and/or feminine when he chooses, without creating a scene.
Because he cosplays often, people accept his “dressing up” as character role play and he gets a lot of positive attention from it. But the fallback is that he feels no one takes his feminine side seriously.
Unfortunately, I have been unknowingly insensitive in the past when photos of him in a dress, or with makeup on have popped up on Tumblr accounts. I really thought he was just doing it for laughs so I razzed him a bit. Now, I’m afraid he won’t open up, even though I told him that his mom and I love him unconditionally.
I appreciate your insights on taking a deep breath and waiting on his timeline, not mine. I don’t mind his curiosity, but I’m concerned he’s getting his answers from strangers who have speculative knowledge at best and present themselves as “expert.”
One of your articles expressed the frustration out there when trying to get good information. I feel his personality type (sweet and accommodating) is easy prey for a charismatic, self-described “authority.”
In your opinion, do you think the conflicting (or bad) information he collects is more helpful or harmful when it comes to formulating his self image?
-Jack
Jack, people like you are the reason that the rest of us haven’t yet lost hope for this world. You are the raddest of dads. I’m so pleased to hear that this site is helpful to you; it certainly sounds like you’re doing all of the right things…
…except, OK, you ragged on him about the dressing up but you didn’t do it out of malice. You made a mistake. Forgive yourself — literally, right now. Then find a few minutes alone with him to come clean about it: “Listen, I just want you to know that I feel bad for making jokes about the things you wore on Tumblr. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m sorry.” Done and done. Both of you are going to feel a lot better once you clear the air on that front.
As far as bad facts from sketchy characters go, it sounds like your son might benefit from building his critical thinking skills. (Gender issues aside, it’s best not to send any young adult into the wild blue yonder without ensuring those are at the ready.) At the dinner table, make a point to talk about current events in a way that encourages him to question informational sources. Hopefully, he’ll show you that he’s a bit more savvy than you think.
In Rachel Carson’s seminal book on environmentalism, Silent Spring, she advises that the best way to get rid of crabgrass isn’t to drown it in pesticides, it’s to plant regular grass on top of it. And that’s your best bet here, too: provide your son with good information to overpower the bad. You’re hard at work letting him know that he can trust and talk to you — that’s excellent. When he comes to you, you’ll want to be stocked with leafy green knowledge from…
1.) reading Transgender Explained for Those Who Are Not by Joanne Herman, and
2.) attending a few meetings of your nearest PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Gays and Lesbians) chapter specifically for parents of transgender and/or gender variant children.
You’ll want to also gently steer him toward reputable information sources that are interesting to him. If, like dear old Dad, he’s a fan of advice columns, have him take a look at “Ask a Trans Woman” by the wise and uber-compassionate Lorelei Erisis in The Rainbow Times. The backlog of her columns should keep him busy with answers to most of his questions. Lorelei herself recommends the blogs We Happy Trans for easily accessible perspectives, as well as TransAdvocate as a general news source. She adds that trans activist Kate Bornstein’s book, Gender Outlaw, blew her mind when it came out, so she’s confident that Bornstein’s 2010 publication, Gender Outlaw: The Next Generation, could provide a similar experience to your kid. The book has essays, comics, and interviews from a diverse group of trans people…wouldn’t your son be psyched if you left a copy in his room?
Before I sign off, Jack, a caution: if you take these suggestions, you’ll come dangerously close to being “the cool dad.” The kids around town will start talking: “Did you hear that Dana’s dad gave him a copy of the new Gender Outlaw? My father won’t even let me watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.” “I hear that his dad was the one who turned him onto We Happy Trans. Do you think that could even be true?” Shy, gender variant teens will begin to moon around your house, pretending you’re their dad. They’ll hope for perhaps a brief exchange — “Hi, Mr. Rosenthropple.” “Get off my lawn.” — to replay in their minds and spin into legend. Someone will start a Twitter account posting only overheard snippets of your conversations. It will have 37 followers within the first 24 hours. A lone, bold teen will obtain your personal email address through nefarious means and summon her courage to use it to ask you for trans blog recommendations. Your own teenager will no longer seem as embarrassed by your mere existence.
You’ve been warned.
Being “the cool dad” is a damned sight better than what “the cool mom” devolved into.
© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.