March 24, 2015

Posted on by tiggyupland

Deuces, I thought you would like to see this update on a letter about dating from a genderqueer perspective. But it’s not from the letter writer; it’s from their boyfriend. Zounds! Read on!

I do not have a question (yet?) but wanted to write as a follow up to the message “Tops Up” wrote to you in August 2013.

We have been together now for well over a year. Neither of us foresaw the other as being the partner we would end up with — for me because of my past experience with those who identified as bisexual (Tops Up’s identification when we met), and for Tops Up because of her reluctance to be with someone straight.

In interest of fairness to me, Tops Up did tell me their identity a few weeks after writing you. They weren’t completely surprised by my reaction, but were reassured that they made the right choice in telling me. While there were still some questions I had about what it meant, as well as what it meant for us as a couple, since then we have been more easily able to discuss these issues. One aspect I find fun is that we have the same taste in women. Aspects that have made it easier — and I was reassured by your response to Kris (March 3, 2015) — is that the sexual aspect has not been a part of our relationship. Tops Up and I both have our reasons for this.

After some time of dating Tops Up, I realized why it was easy for me to handle how they identify: I came to realize I am nearly completely gender blind. Its hard to describe but when I realized this and told them, it was almost an “a-ha moment,” at least for me.

I thought you would appreciate a follow up to one of the questions sent to you, especially since it has a happy ending so far. There are straight people who are comfortable being in a long term relationship with those who aren’t — and as Tops Up says to me regularly, I am not the typical straight male.

-M

Not typical but truly terrific. Thank you for sharing this update, M. A happy ending is just what we need as spring bursts forth! Deuces, we’re back on schedule next week with an all-new question on bisexual mental health.

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 9, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Is it possible to discern whether you’re bisexual or pansexual? I know that I’m attracted to both traditional genders, but when I think about it truly, if I really loved someone I don’t think that gender would be an obstacle whether s/he was pre/post op, or whatever. I know labels aren’t important and blah blah blah, but I feel like it’s important to who I am.

I just want to be able to identify myself as one or the other. I wish my sexuality could just fit into a neat little box and I could call it what it is. Any guidance?

-Confuzzled

I am watching in horror as you unwittingly wander onto a minefield.

Read this now. No, I’m completely serious: click on the link, read the entire webpage, and when you’re done, read it again for good measure. And that goes for everyone, not just the letter writer. Yes, you. Yes, it’s that important. You’re probably not gonna understand the rest of what I say if you don’t, so go on and get it over with.

The label “bisexual” does not, in any manner, mean “someone who does not have romantic and/or sexual relationships with trans* or genderqueer people.” So, dear Confuzzled, that answers that. Blogger ChristineLeeM characterizes bisexuality as loving people of genders similar to and dissimilar to oneself, while she defines pansexuality as being gender-blind in one’s love. These inoffensive denotations might help you in better defining your personal sexual identity.

As for the larger issue, I’m sure you’re now realizing that this is a Big’ Ol’ Damn Deal in the non-monosexual community. I won’t bother to repeat anything that’s already been said on this vicious, biphobic myth surrounding the “bisexual” label and those who use it. (…although I can’t help but give a shout-out to blogger Even Aud’s recent post on the topic: “Your need for purity, for a Bi-free zone, the need to have a sexuality that you can crap on to make yourself look good, does not concern me.” Heh.) But I will ask you all to join me in pledging the following whenever this topic re-rears it’s particularly ugly head…

We’re not going to do this. We’re not going to turn on each other. We’re not going to let anyone pit us against the trans* community. We’re not getting suckered into making fools of ourselves by putting on a petty, pedantic in-fighting show. And we’re not going to accept anything less than mutual respect and solidarity from ourselves.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.