Dear Tiggy,
I came out as a lesbian to my family and friends four years ago when I was 19. I’ve been thinking that I might be bi for the past few years. I am considering telling my close family and friends but I don’t know how to bring it up or what to say.
-39 Specks
I wish someone would fund the research necessary to determine how many bisexuals first identified (or are in the closet) as lesbian or gay. The fact that it’s very likely equal to the number of those who are “bi now, gay later” – oh, so clever! – might actually quash the insulting rumor of the latter’s prevalence once and for all.
Well, a Wild Deuce can dream.
The experience of many people who have been through this is that if your family and friends didn’t care the first time you came out, they won’t care this time either. That said, you might want to wait until there’s something tangible to tell. Specifically, you might hold off until you have a date with a man. (Don’t wait until you’re ready to bring said male home to meet your parents, though.) That’s the kind of thing you can drop into conversation, like so:
Mom: “What are you up to this weekend?”
You: “I have a date on Saturday. We’re going to the movies.”
Mom: “Oh, where did you meet her?”
You: “Actually, it’s a ‘him.’ I’m still interested in dating women but now I’m finding that I’m interested in dating men, too.”
That’s it. Don’t over-explain. Answer questions as simply as you can when they come up. Essentially, there needs to be little fanfare this time around coming out.
With queer friends, you might be able to naturally introduce this fun new fact about yourself into the convo without the male-date prerequisite. If the topic of how one “identifies” comes up, you can offer, “I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I might start to identify as bisexual.” But please be warned: most people who go through this say that if someone is going to take this badly, it will be a gay or lesbian friend. That’s why you’ll want to start to develop a support system of fellow bisexuals to assure you that our community is here for you as you discover your sexuality. Now’s a good time to check the BiNet map to see where the nearest bi group is.
And if I might make a final request, please, whatever you do, don’t say you’re confused. In fact, Tiggy is hereby declaring a moratorium on calling your bisexual self or some other bisexual “confused.” It’s in every other letter I receive and I’ve had it up to my pink bangs with that word. Virtually none of you are truly confused, you’ve just been brainwashed by society to make this dig against yourself. This is the very definition of internalized biphobia. The majority is really playing you when they’ve got you slinging mud on yourself.
If you’re engaging in any level of scholarship, processing new information and theories, do you consider yourself “confused”? When you’re traveling and exploring a new country, do you write back home to tell everyone how “confused” you are? As you experiment with personal styles, with hobbies, with recreational drugs, are you “confused”?
OK, then.
Personally, I’m much more inclined to call someone who has never once explored any aspect of their sexuality “complacently ignorant” than to call a questioning or bisexual person “confused.” Please remember: when you classify yourself as confused due to either your sexual fluidity or the act of exploring your sexuality, you’re not just denigrating yourself. You’re smearing an entire, sizable community. So enough with the “confused” already, lovebugs. You’re better than that.
In honor of 39 Specks’s second coming out, here’s Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty.
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.