Dear Tiggy,
Before I married my wife, one of the reasons I felt connected to her was when I told her I may be bisexual, she said she was fine with it. Since then, she has said things over the years to imply that I might be “funny.” I am “funny” – that’s why I felt so good with her acceptance. Now I feel funny in a bad way.
Even if I am faithful and not having sex with men, I can’t win. How can I avoid feeling ashamed of myself or afraid to be who I am, and express myself to my wife?
—Headless Veggie
Ooh, Veggie, I’ll bet that hurt. I’m sorry – it sounds like you feel betrayed.
But here’s something I learned from an Interpersonal Communications seminar I once took: you need to verify what the person actually meant, especially if you care about them.
It’s human nature to assume you know what a loved one means when they’re speaking plain English, but you’d be surprised how often we misunderstand even those closest to us. You can wait until the next time she makes a “funny” comment and reply – calmly and curiously – “What do you mean by that?” Or, you could pick a quiet moment when you’re together and say, “Remember that time you said I was ‘funny’? What did you mean by that?”
Her comments might just be a ham-fisted way of trying to open up a dialogue on what bisexuality means to you. If you two haven’t talked candidly about that, she might be worried that you think it’s OK to be non-monogamous. Now, you know that non-monogamy and bisexuality are two totally different things, and Tiggy knows it, but it’s possible that your wife doesn’t know much of anything about bisexuality. Did you talk about it beyond telling her years ago that you might be bi? Tiggy suspects not.
Now is the time for a deep discussion about your sexuality, as well as your feelings around her support for your true self. I think she wants this, and it can only be good for you in the long run. Go for it.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.