femme

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 21-year old bi woman who hasn’t figured out how to be out there, if that makes any sense. I grew up in a socially conservative town and an immigrant family. The country my parents emigrated from barely had a feminist revolution, let alone an LGBT one. They are, fortunately, relatively open-minded.

The point is, there wasn’t much room for experimentation when I was growing up. Even having very short hair was breaking an established norm, one that I broke with absolute relish. I’m now attending a college that is the complete opposite – very liberal, and a sexually open student body. I’ve met LGBT people who have been out for years.

One thing I realized in this new environment was that while the straight student body was all about questioning and breaking gender norms, many lesbians and bisexual women identified as butch or femme, and put enormous weight on those identities. This was new to me. I’d never paid much attention to my appearance; I wore whatever clothes were on hand. The prospect of, say, joining a baseball team is as alien to me as dolling up my face is. As to the people I’m attracted to, they include anyone – butches, femmes, “feminine” men, androgynous people, etc.

I really want to make a real connection with someone but I worry that I’m too invisible and passive for that to ever happen. I know that I am bi but should I figure out how to wear it?

—Mandy

Girl, if I’m not gonna make you pick a gender to date, I’m sure as hell not gonna make you pick a gender to wear.

Your friends may have been out for years but it sounds like they’re developmentally in a similar place as you: figuring out who they are and what they like. Lots of folks do that through experimentation. There’s also a common feeling of needing to “prove” to yourself that you’re part of a group, so you might start out a bit more extreme in your visible affiliation, whether through style or mannerisms. Once you’re more secure in your identity, you tend to tone it down a bit.

And yet, we can’t write off interest in the whole butch/femme/andro dynamic as a phase, since it continues to play out among queer adults of all ages. Interestingly, it seems to vary by geography. Even more interestingly, LBT women constantly complain about how limiting the dynamic can be, even as they participate in it.

Sociology aside, you can feel free to try on these different identities yourself, or feel just as free not to. If you’re only concerned that not subscribing to one will render you invisible to potential dates, then I’d say that you should work on other ways of being out. If you’re worried that not committing to one will make you unattractive to your love interests, don’t give it another thought. Lots of people out there are going to love Mandy for Mandy, with or without a studded belt. Trust.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m glad I found the site and your advice column. I am pretty surprised to find that I’ve made it to 42 and am still closeted about my bisexuality, especially considering how many awesome queer friends I have now and over the years. I’ve reached a really conflicted point in my life, though, and something has to change.

I believe one of the issues that has held me back from being open or pursuing any relationships with women (other than some wonderful sexual experiences in college) is that a platonic lesbian friend once really shut me down when I expressed interest in women. We had gone out to a lesbian club and I commented to her that there was a wide, empty circle around me on the dance floor. She said, “Yeah, they can smell the straight on you.” I was crushed started to feel hopeless about any same-sex potential. I am femme, completely, but that would undoubtedly be pleasing to many. I put my head down and only dated men since then, but lately her comment has haunted me. She and others have also said things to me like, “Oh, you like dick too much.”

The other issue is that, during times of potential intimacy with the man I have dated most recently, I felt really tense and broke down in tears. I chalked it up to simply not being over a past relationship; it’s partly true but I just don’t think that’s the whole story. As someone else wrote to you, when I masturbate it is exclusively to female images and women’s porn. I am becoming aware that I might like to have the chance to date another woman, but fear that I won’t be accepted by other bi women or lesbians.

I would love to hear any thoughts you might have on my history. Thank you for listening.

—Mid-Life Bi

You never dated women because someone made a rude “joke” to you, once, years ago?

I don’t think one unkind comment has the power to scare you off loving ladies forever. It’s more likely that you’re hanging on to that as an excuse not to date. But what are you so afraid of? Of course some queer women are going to like you! There’s not only a huge community of bisexuals out there, but there’s also a powerful movement of Femme Pride.

You know what I’d be afraid of if I were you? Living the rest of my life without ever discovering this fun, fascinating part of myself.

It’s pretty generous for you to describe your LBT friends as “awesome” when it seems that they’ve given you little support for your sexual awakening. The good news is that you don’t need the approval of every – or any – queer woman on this issue. They’re not gatekeepers to the Kingdom of Lady Love; only you hold the key.

There’s nothing stopping you from dating women except yourself. You can dig deep and discover your arcane reasons for doing that, but I have an even better idea: skip the self-therapy and just start dating women. Online dating was made for your situation. Bite the bullet, post a profile, and start making dates.

You don’t have to have everything all figured out; just go on some fun dates with interesting women and see if you click with any of them. It’s as easy as that. Don’t spend one more minute of your life wishing you had.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 17, 2012

July 26, 2011