August 5, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of two years just came out to me as bisexual. I’m really confused because we’ve had an excellent sex life for a year and a half. We’ve also had an excellent relationship. It’s the strongest either of us have ever been in.

When he told me of his bisexuality, I told him that I would give him a free pass to try being with a guy. I gave him a few stipulations, like that he can’t have full out sex with him and he has to tell me immediately afterwards what he was thinking and feeling — every possible thing he can think of. I also said I didn’t really want them to be friends because it would make me feel really hurt. He vehemently refused this free pass although I’ve offered it to him three times now.

He wants to marry me and isn’t interested in expressing the attraction he has to men. I don’t know what to think or do! I love him, he loves me, and we are both 100% devoted to each other, but I don’t think I’ll be completely comfortable again in our relationship until I know what he wants. He says he only wants me and no one else.

Please help. I’m falling apart over here. I’m terrified he’ll get bored and leave me because he’ll decide he likes men more. He is my first everything so I feel this incredibly deep emotional attachment to him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.

-Megan

This relaxation exercise should help: become aware of the muscles in your right pinky finger. Relax them until your pinky goes limp. Do the same with your left pinky; both are now loose and free. Repeat with your ring fingers, middle fingers, and index fingers. As you complete the exercise by slackening your thumbs and palms…

…you should be able to unclasp your hands from around your boyfriend’s throat.

Your “free pass” is not free. The price he pays is your getting to set the precise parameters for the sexual activity he is allowed to engage in and the relationship he is allowed to have with his sexual partner after their encounter (i.e. none). And, of course, he must do an exhaustive brain dump for you so that you can Thought Police him.

Your “free pass” is not a pass. It’s an order. It’s not for your boyfriend; he doesn’t want it. It’s for you, so you can convince yourself that he’s gotten it out of his system. You want him to exorcise this demon under tightly controlled conditions so that you can go forward in life without the slightest worry that he’ll ever leave you. You’re projecting your insecurities onto him and then trying to fix them by fixing him. Not only does it not work but it’s also no way to treat a fellow sentient being, much less someone you purport to love.

The bisexuality element of the situation is easy. He doesn’t feel the need to be with other men in the same way that you don’t feel the need to be with other men. Bisexuals are as capable of monogamy as anyone else. He has told you that he does not want to explore that part of his sexuality with someone else; it’s on you that you don’t believe him.

The part you’re playing here is a much larger cause for concern than bisexuality. You’re acting out of fear and ignorance*, and your controlling behavior could be a precursor for abuse. Healthy partners come to terms with the fact that life offers no guarantees and control is almost always an illusion. He may think he wants to marry you but the harsh reality is that you’re not nearly emotionally ready.

The best thing you can do right now is get to a place where you know that if you split up for any reason, you’d be OK. Really, I promise you: you would be OK. He’ll still be your first everything, you will keep a special place for him in your heart forever, but you would eventually move on with your life. I’m not saying this because I think you’re going to break up. I’m saying this because your refusal to believe that you’d survive it is starting to turn you into a monster.

*To address this: scroll up, click on “Back to the BRC website” and read.

 
Just have sex with a guy, then put on this Christopher Walken headset so I can experience your every thought and feeling about it, and we’ll never have another problem. Easy peasy.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 20, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Before I married my wife, one of the reasons I felt connected to her was when I told her I may be bisexual, she said she was fine with it. Since then, she has said things over the years to imply that I might be “funny.” I am “funny” – that’s why I felt so good with her acceptance. Now I feel funny in a bad way.

Even if I am faithful and not having sex with men, I can’t win. How can I avoid feeling ashamed of myself or afraid to be who I am, and express myself to my wife?

—Headless Veggie

Ooh, Veggie, I’ll bet that hurt. I’m sorry – it sounds like you feel betrayed.

But here’s something I learned from an Interpersonal Communications seminar I once took: you need to verify what the person actually meant, especially if you care about them.

It’s human nature to assume you know what a loved one means when they’re speaking plain English, but you’d be surprised how often we misunderstand even those closest to us. You can wait until the next time she makes a “funny” comment and reply – calmly and curiously – “What do you mean by that?” Or, you could pick a quiet moment when you’re together and say, “Remember that time you said I was ‘funny’? What did you mean by that?”

Her comments might just be a ham-fisted way of trying to open up a dialogue on what bisexuality means to you. If you two haven’t talked candidly about that, she might be worried that you think it’s OK to be non-monogamous. Now, you know that non-monogamy and bisexuality are two totally different things, and Tiggy knows it, but it’s possible that your wife doesn’t know much of anything about bisexuality. Did you talk about it beyond telling her years ago that you might be bi? Tiggy suspects not.

Now is the time for a deep discussion about your sexuality, as well as your feelings around her support for your true self. I think she wants this, and it can only be good for you in the long run. Go for it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 26, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m glad I found the site and your advice column. I am pretty surprised to find that I’ve made it to 42 and am still closeted about my bisexuality, especially considering how many awesome queer friends I have now and over the years. I’ve reached a really conflicted point in my life, though, and something has to change.

I believe one of the issues that has held me back from being open or pursuing any relationships with women (other than some wonderful sexual experiences in college) is that a platonic lesbian friend once really shut me down when I expressed interest in women. We had gone out to a lesbian club and I commented to her that there was a wide, empty circle around me on the dance floor. She said, “Yeah, they can smell the straight on you.” I was crushed started to feel hopeless about any same-sex potential. I am femme, completely, but that would undoubtedly be pleasing to many. I put my head down and only dated men since then, but lately her comment has haunted me. She and others have also said things to me like, “Oh, you like dick too much.”

The other issue is that, during times of potential intimacy with the man I have dated most recently, I felt really tense and broke down in tears. I chalked it up to simply not being over a past relationship; it’s partly true but I just don’t think that’s the whole story. As someone else wrote to you, when I masturbate it is exclusively to female images and women’s porn. I am becoming aware that I might like to have the chance to date another woman, but fear that I won’t be accepted by other bi women or lesbians.

I would love to hear any thoughts you might have on my history. Thank you for listening.

—Mid-Life Bi

You never dated women because someone made a rude “joke” to you, once, years ago?

I don’t think one unkind comment has the power to scare you off loving ladies forever. It’s more likely that you’re hanging on to that as an excuse not to date. But what are you so afraid of? Of course some queer women are going to like you! There’s not only a huge community of bisexuals out there, but there’s also a powerful movement of Femme Pride.

You know what I’d be afraid of if I were you? Living the rest of my life without ever discovering this fun, fascinating part of myself.

It’s pretty generous for you to describe your LBT friends as “awesome” when it seems that they’ve given you little support for your sexual awakening. The good news is that you don’t need the approval of every – or any – queer woman on this issue. They’re not gatekeepers to the Kingdom of Lady Love; only you hold the key.

There’s nothing stopping you from dating women except yourself. You can dig deep and discover your arcane reasons for doing that, but I have an even better idea: skip the self-therapy and just start dating women. Online dating was made for your situation. Bite the bullet, post a profile, and start making dates.

You don’t have to have everything all figured out; just go on some fun dates with interesting women and see if you click with any of them. It’s as easy as that. Don’t spend one more minute of your life wishing you had.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.