As an older bisexual woman (42) married to a man for ten years, what questions should I expect from my family when I come out to them? I have come out to several LGBTQ and straight friends and coworkers, but not to my family.
Thanks,
M
I assume when you say “family,” you don’t mean your husband because you’ve already come out to him. You didn’t mention whether you have children and, if so, what their ages are. Coming out to your kids, especially those who are still young enough to live with you, is very different from coming out to your parents or extended relatives. Luckily, people close to you tend to generally have the same questions. They probably won’t phrase them exactly like this so you’ll have to sleuth out which of these four questions they’re really getting at:
What does “bisexual” mean to you? This is another way of asking, “What exactly are you telling me?” The beauty of a sexuality label is that it sums up a chunk of your identity in a nice, clean package. The irony that you discover once you choose the appropriate label is that you have to explain it anyway.
But it’s a gift when someone gives you a chance to customize your label! The alternative is typically to let them try to understand it through stereotypes and hearsay, which…yikes, that’s never good.
Get clear with yourself what you mean by “bisexual” so you can rattle it off with confidence once you come out. Feel free to steal — and amend to your personal taste — Robyn Ochs’s definition.
What did you know and when did you know it? Let me be blunt: with this inquiry, folks are wondering whether you were lying to them or to yourself at some point. You can stay rather vague on this by gently informing them that coming out to oneself is a process and you’ve told them about this new self-discovery as soon as it was appropriate.
How will your behavior change? Will you be bringing new people to family gatherings? Will you be more political with the LGBT community? Will this be common knowledge around town or will I have to keep this information under my hat in front of certain people? Answering this will manage expectations.
How will this affect me? This is the bottom line question for everyone. Since you already have a primary partner, I suspect that your news won’t have much of a practical effect on your family. However, they’ll probably need a little time to adjust to your new reality and be able to talk about it comfortably. Meanwhile, if someone is mining for answers but your bisexuality doesn’t really affect them at all, I suggest that you cut the conversation short. You are under no obligation to satisfy anyone’s curiosity.
And now that you know more or less what inquiries you can expect when you make this fabulous family announcement, all that’s left to decide is how you’ll tell them. Perhaps this Thursday, you’ll reach past a Pilgrim and over a horn aplenty to grab the nearest good-luck-gourd, leap to your feet, and proclaim that you are ever so thankful to be an out and proud bisexual.
A question for the 42-year-olds out there: what the hell does this song mean? Will the rest of us find out when we turn 42? Or when we consciously uncouple from someone?
If you’re 42, this was probably your Thanksgiving jam at some point.
I am a young woman (24) who just ended a six-year, long-distance, monogamous relationship. I live in a country in Africa and he lives in Europe. My “bi-curiosity” is just one of many important factors which caused me to do it.
Now I am super excited to finally put some of my women fantasies into practice. Before we broke up, I summoned all my courage and went alone one night to a lesbian bar. I chatted to some women, and had a fabulous time dancing. I never planned to cheat on my partner and I didn’t even come close to doing that, but I was so excited and relieved to finally just BE in a space around other bisexual and lesbian women.
However, it also posed a problem: now that I am available to see women, I don’t know how to go about it! I have no bi or lesbian friends, and none of my other close friends (except one, who I hardly ever see) or family even know that I identify as bisexual. I don’t see going alone again as an option; I feel like I need the support of friends around me to help me discover how to hit on a girl I like. But I don’t feel comfortable asking my straight friends to come with me when I myself am so new to and vulnerable in this aspect of myself.
I very recently moved from the liberal and fairly queer-friendly city to the remote countryside where I grew up to start a job here. I want to work and live here, but I am torn about having this newfound freedom to discover my bisexuality and yet having to live with my family around — even sharing a house with a family member — and in a very small and conservative community. I feel like my first forays into practical bisexuality are going to take a lot of courage from me, and attempting it here seems daunting and dangerous. So I’m wondering, should I postpone or reject the job? I haven’t signed anything yet and it is a family business so it should be fairly flexible about possibly taking me on at a later stage instead.
To make things all the more complicated, my ex-partner has suggested that we have an open relationship. He is desperate not to lose me and still loves me dearly. At the first mention of this, I emailed him to share my excitement. I thought it would be a way for us to stay in each other’s lives, keep in contact as the best friends we are, and occasionally visit each other for a lovers holiday. He responded with anger and hurt, saying he couldn’t believe after that after our years together, I would say I was excited to be in an open relationship. He called me selfish and stupid which immediately made me feel depressed and trapped again, and of course not wanting to have any relationship with him. He later emailed back apologising for his outburst, blaming it on his feelings of pain at the situation, which I totally understood, and asking again if we could have an open relationship instead of him losing me. Now I’m not so sure any more.
I am bursting with excitement at getting some “rad advice from an excellent bisexual”!
-Finally Free
To think that an enthusiastic fan across the world is breathlessly awaiting my words of wisdom on how to be a happy bisexual thrills me to my tingling toes! I wish all new bi babes could have your buoyant outlook and a confidence fueled by pure potential energy. Would that I could sail to Libreville tonight and trip the lights fantastic with you in celebrating your exuberance to be yourself!
On the issue of your ex-boyfriend, I think you know what you have to do. He is terribly sad that your relationship has come to an end but the kindest thing to do is not give him hope that you can stay together in any fashion. He has demonstrated that he is not in a proper emotional position for an open relationship. You are “Finally Free” — being available for new love is the core of that. Make a clean break of it with him.
Although it’s great that you have a job and family waiting for you in the country, my first impulse is to tell you to pass it up in favor of queer fun times in the city. It’s easier to find and congregate openly with other bisexual/gay women in an urban area. However, I want to be careful not to denigrate or underestimate the rich and rewarding lives of LGBT people in rural areas. Often, the queer community acts like living in the country is wholly untenable but I think that does a real disservice to our sisters and brothers who have crafted fulfilling communities in somewhat unlikely places. Look at this oral history project, Country Queers, to see just a handful of beautiful, refreshing, true stories of rural-living LGBT folks.
In a 2010 interview, Mary L. Gray, author of Out in the Country: Youth, Media, and Queer Visibility in Rural America, cuts to the difference as follows: “When rural young people identify themselves as queer, they…upend and potentially undo the most important identity they have in their communities: a familiar son or daughter, a local from that town. When Rural America seems to reject queer folks, whether with its voting record or in sound bites from its townspeople, we are witnessing a much deeper tussle over who rural community members feel they can trust and who they feel they can turn to in times of trouble…” Perhaps rural Africans put a high value on familiarity as well but since you grew up there, you certainly have a leg up in that regard.
All that said, I still think you should take this time in your young life to experience being bi in the city. I predict you’ll deeply enjoy the liberty of exploring your identity and meeting many likeminded souls out from under the watchful eye of lifelong elders. You can always return to the country later when you’re beyond the wild oat-sowing that urban life tends to facilitate. By then, you’ll likely have more confidence in your sexual identity as well as the manner in which you want to be out around your family.
Most of my readership is not from Africa so allow me a moment to enlighten them: the continent of Africa is made up of 54 countries and it’s way bigger than you think. I point this out, Finally Free, because it’s hard for me to advise you when I don’t know which specific area you’re from. Americans, it would be like someone wanting to know how to bisexual,* if you will, without revealing whether they are from Massachusetts or Kentucky…only more so. The laws, culture, and resources vary signNIFicantly.
So for a more informed view on African life, let’s turn to award-winning Nigerian writer and afrofeminist social commentator Spectra Speaks. Her eponymous blog, www.spectraspeaks.com, is a digital media platform shifting conversations from the political to the personal through the lens of love, empathy, and media. She is the founder and executive editor of Queer Women of Color Media Wire (QWOC), a media advocacy organization that amplifies the voices of queer-identified diaspora around the world. Before we get into what her specific advice is for you, I want to mention a few things about Spectra: 1.) the Bisexual Resource Center gave QWOC a “Bi Ally Award”; 2.) Spectra’s mantra is “Love is my revolution”; and 3.) she wrote this two weeks ago, which tells you why #1 happened, shows how she lives #2, and will restore your faith in the world as a bisexual. Please read it, it’s a revelation of unadulterated compassion.
(Did you read it? Wasn’t it even better than I said?) Here’s what she says about you, Finally Free:
“First, ask for the African country she’s in so you can connect her to resources. It may seem intimidating at first, but it’s one way of meeting friends.
“Second, she should think through the following questions carefully: does she have any friends that she’s really close to who she may consider sharing about her new interest in women? Are these friends that can keep a secret? I’d encourage her to share that she’s interested and perhaps liken it to puberty happening all over again except without any examples of how to ask a girl out! Even if the friend doesn’t come along to the club they can at least be her research partner and someone to talk to as she develops more queer/bi community.
“She should also start following LGBT African bloggers** (ahem!) as meeting others online can be such a relief, affirming, and again a kind of support until she meets others. I’d finally encourage her to focus first on developing friendships. [Regardless of your sexuality, dating] is awkward, challenging, fun, and confusing all at once. It’s so much better with friends.”
I can’t put it any better than that. When Spectra refers to resources, she means queer social groups, support groups, and volunteer opportunities. They’re perfect places to get to know fellow LBT women and say, “Hey, I want to go to a club tonight. Will you be my wing chick?”
I could go on (and on…and on…) but let’s punctuate this column on “wing (chick).” It’s an apt segue to your starting this next chapter of life where you stretch yours and soar.
*Yeah, sure, it’s a verb.
**To start, go to Spectraspeaks.com, scroll down, and look at the column on the right under “Queer Africa.”
I’m 12 and I know for sure that I’m bi, although I like females a little more than I like males. I feel really scared to tell my parents. My family despises the LGBT community and I’m afraid that if I tell them, they’ll never accept me. I am planning on having my principal help me come out to my parents. I go to a Catholic school, so I feel like an outsider. How do I come out to my parents without them treating me differently and how can I be more proud of who I am?
-Kayla
July 8, 2014 Dear Tiggy,
I am planning on coming out to my parents with the help of my principal on October 11 (Coming Out Day) which is a week after my birthday. How do I cope with the negative reaction my parents will have finding out that their 12-year-old daughter is bi? How do I feel proud about being bi in a Catholic school?
-Kayla
July 30, 2014 Dear Tiggy,
I’m 12 years old and I’ll be turning 13 years old in October but I am 110% positive that I’m bi. I go to a Catholic school and I’m really worried about me coming out in that type of environment. I told a couple of my closest friends at school about it and they have become my biggest supporters. My friend helped me talk to my principal about it and she told me to wait until I turn 13 to confirm it.
I still strongly believe that I’m bi but I’m too afraid to tell my parents. My parents aren’t okay with the LGBT community at all so it’s hard for me to deal with the fact that eventually I have to tell them that I’m a part of it. How do I come out in a way for them to accept me and how should I react if they don’t? Also, what are the some pros and cons about coming out?
-Kayla
Kayla, you’ve found my weakness: being relentlessly pursued! I do love a good chase. Well, you finally caught me, you ol’ saucebox, so I think that means I have to grant you three wishes. I hope advice on your three questions will suffice. Fortunately for me, they’re all the same question.
I think the query I get more than any other is “How do I come out?” but it comes in different packages. Most Wild Deuces write to me with just that line and little to no other information. I can’t help those people; coming out is such a personal act and any tips I might have to ensure safety and increase the chances of a positive response would be extremely specific to each situation.
Often when I get that plea, I’m unsure of what the letter writer is really asking. Coming out is not really about the “how.” There are many ways you could come out, whether armed with further educational material or empty-handed, canned or improv, with a bang or a whimper. It’s more about the “why” and the “should I?” — do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Again, it’s crucial that the answers are specialized to the coming-outer.
I see that you’ve already answered both “should I?” and “how.” Asking your Catholic school principal for help is a bold move, and rather brilliant. It will be good to have an adult with you to mediate the interaction, and from your description she sounds like a level-headed lady. You’ve also developed a cadre of supporters among your friends, for which you’ll be especially thankful as you work this out with your family.
I understand that you want your parents to accept you and not treat you differently but this is the part where your only option is to adjust your expectations. The fact is, your family is Catholic (I assume) and you know they don’t like LGBT people. There is a small chance that they’ll have an immediate change of heart about queer people once they realize that their beloved child is one. You need to prepare, though, for the more likely possibility that this is going to take a lot of getting used to for them. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have recommended that you come out right now considering how long six more years under their roof and in a Catholic school will feel if they take this badly. But it sounds like you’re determined and you’ve laid some excellent groundwork for your big post-birthday surprise.
Here are a few tips that might be useful:
Read the BRC’s “Coming Out As Bi” webpage in the “Youth” section and watch the videos.
Get in touch with a queer youth organization in your area to bolster your support network.
Read this letter to parents of bi kids. If you think it would be helpful to your parents, print it out and give it to them when you come out.
If your parents are struggling with reconciling your bisexuality with their faith, point them toward the Dignity website.
Like I told this other Deuce, don’t tell them you think that “everyone is bisexual.” Speak to your own feelings.
They will almost definitely claim that you’re too young to know what your sexuality is and that this is a phase. Probably what would work best is not to engage in the argument at all, simply replying, “I want you to be prepared if it isn’t.”
I think your real question, the real question behind every coming out letter I get, is, “How can I come out so that nothing will change?” You can’t. You can’t make them have the perfect reaction. Life is messy. But you’re opening the door to something more authentic, more magical, more you than you can imagine.
Here’s 13-year-old Jojo encouraging you to Get Out (of the closet). That’s peer support right there.
I’m a closeted, mature, bisexual man (in my 40s) who happened to meet another closeted, mature, bisexual man. We get along well and care for one another. I think I may be falling in love with him, which scares me.
Since we are both new at this, we’re still finding out things about being bisexual. We have been intimate, kissed and held one another passionately, and enjoyed ourselves. We do lots of things together including going out to dinners and movies. When we’re in the car, I will reach out and kiss him sometimes but I’ve noticed that he’s a bit reluctant to kiss back, sometimes even if we’re alone at home. He always kisses me back but he seems a little uncomfortable with it. I asked him and he said “I’m not used to kissing another guy.” I replied, “I’m not either but I enjoy kissing you.”
He says he’s still getting used to this other part of himself. As for his family, he was brought up by a verbally and physically abusive father and barely shakes hands with his brothers when he sees them after a long period. He’s never been married and is in his 40s, and is a conservative religious guy with preconceived ideas about people of different sexual orientations. He says to me, “It feels so right when I’m with you but I’m still uncomfortable about kissing another guy.”
I hate this…why would I fall for an emotionally unavailable guy? Should I just break this up before I get myself in trouble? I think I love him.
-Brook
The poor guy is suffering from a terrible case of internalized biphobia. I believe most queer people have internalized our society’s LGBT antipathy to some degree but this appears to be a tough case with possible aggravating factors including his political, religious, and family influences.
You sound like a caring, sympathetic, all-around sweet person; he’s lucky to have you. I suggest you find either a group for or a therapist who specializes in men addressing sexuality issues. You likely won’t find bi-specific help (which is a bit worrisome because others might try to convince you/him that you’re not really bi but gay) but I actually think it might be more important to find one that suits your ages and perhaps his religion.
I think you should find this therapist or group and go once before bringing it up with him. Explain to him that you’re going because you don’t want to feel conflicted around him anymore and that you just want to be happy. Tell him that you’d feel better if he went with you, but then give him a bit of time to decide whether he will or not. I believe setting it up like this is your best chance of getting him the emotional help he needs.
If he refuses to accompany you at first, go alone. Although this exercise is mostly for him, you could use a little sorting out, too, right? Perhaps you could focus on your reasons for being closeted, or on why you have fallen for someone emotionally unavailable. (The question alone shows your keen introspection. Unfortunately, the answer is so complex that I could never deduce it from just a letter.)
Don’t give up on him yet, Brook. You might love this guy. I think that trying to overcome some of your internalized biphobia together might be a watershed moment for this beautiful relationship.
This one goes out to Brook’s guy. Don’t let the haters get into your head.
I’m a woman who has been married almost 20 years to a wonderful man with whom I have four daughters. I recently told my husband that I am interested in women and would like to bring someone into our “forever relationship.” He is open to the idea, and we did have a weekend with someone special.
I’m afraid of telling my children, three of whom are adults now. I’m even more afraid of them finding out by someone else even though we haven’t told anyone. How do I tell my children that I am interested in women but I still love their father? Do I tell them separately or all at once? Or should I keep it a secret from them like I have for so many years?
-Lost & Confused
Dear Tiggy,
I am a bi married lady and my husband and I have been swingers for over the last six years. We decided a long time ago that we wanted another woman to join our relationship. I’m happy to say that we have found her and both love her, and we’ve decided to move her into our home. The truth is, I don’t want to introduce her as a roommate but as a second mom to my two teenagers. Would this be a mistake? My kids don’t know that i’m bi, let alone that my husband and I have a girlfriend.
-MTT
Wild Deuces, I always say that there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Of course, there’s no need to go all-out Jonah Lehrer either, but if someone else has a good answer to your problem, Tiggy will happily pass it on to you.
And here, someone does: Loving More, the preeminent polyamory website. Allow me to remind you folks at home that bisexuality describes being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with people of all genders, while polyamory refers to being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one person, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties. They are not the same thing; poly people can be of any sexuality, and bisexuals can be polyamorous or monogamous.
Here’s what Loving More says about letting your kids know about your poly lovestyle:
“Every parent knows their kid best and needs to decide what’s best. As a general rule, however, Loving More always recommends that parents be honest with their kids, in an age-appropriate way.
“Children are perceptive and will pick up emotional nuances between you and others that even you are barely aware of. We find that when parents finally decide to tell their kids after delaying, the kids usually figured it out long ago. Not telling kids can bring them great insecurity if they think one or both parents are having an affair that means the parents are separating. If we want honesty from our kids, we need to model honesty to our kids.
“This does not mean detailing your sex life. What goes on in the adults’ bedroom is not the kids’ business in any household, poly or mono.”
The Tiggster couldn’t have said it better herself. But MTT, let me add something for you: to show up out of nowhere with someone your kids have never laid eyes on and say, “She’s living with us now. Oh, and she’s your new mom,” would be unquestionably detrimental to their emotional health. It’s a bad idea, whether you’re introducing a third in a poly partnership or the new partner of a single parent. Please put yourself in your children’s shoes: they don’t even know that there’s a potential for a new adult in their lives in this capacity. Come out to them as outlined above but don’t move her in yet — can you wait just a few years until they’re out of the house? No matter what, don’t drop this woman in their laps as their “second mom.” I suggest you take this whole thing much more slowly.
I’m a 31-year-old male married to a woman. I’ve always been pretty out with my bisexuality and found the gay community astonishingly closed-minded. This is about my parents, specifically my dad.
When I lived at home, I truly believe that had I tried to explain that I was bisexual and heteroromantic, I would have been kicked out. Now I’m more financially stable than my parents and several states away. I’ve been wanting recently, especially now that I’m married, to officially state to them what my orientation is. I’m sure my mom already knows and couldn’t possibly care less. She’s cool like that.
However, my dad is very religious and I think it would simply hurt him. I’m not sure if he could even understand it if I explained it to him. Lately, it’s been gnawing away at me as we’ve gotten a bit closer in recent months. I don’t know if I should just suppress it and spare him, or let it out and feel better. I’m not sure how much it would hurt him or how much it would help me. What do you think?
-Anthony
Coming out in the societally proscribed manner of sitting people down, pausing dramatically, and trumpeting, “I AM A BISEXUAL” isn’t for everyone. There are so many ways to let friends and family know that side of you. I think that in coming out to your father, you should think outside of the box.
It sounds like you’re ready to come out to your mom, so go for it. And here’s a thought: if you think it will empower her (as opposed to burdening her), tell her that you don’t have any plans as of yet to come out to your father, but you don’t mind if she tells him. Not only are you saving her from the uncomfortable position of keeping a secret from him, but you’re also allowing the person who knows him best to present the information in the most palatable way (if at all).
My take on your situation is that while you and your dad love each other, you don’t really “get” each other. There’s a pretty high probability that he won’t be able to accept your news in the way that you’ll convey it. Your mother, however, loves and gets both of you; who better to act as an emotional translator?
Once you tell your mother this, consider it done. Go forward assuming he knows on some level. I don’t foresee any talks about the men you dated prior to marrying your wife, but I doubt that would have happened in any circumstance. I think the tangible difference will be your not having to hide evidence of your sexuality anymore. That may be the closest you can get to him on this aspect of your life.
I’m a happily married 27-year-old woman. I am bi, and my husband knows and is fine with it. I’m only out to him, my mother, my brother, and my step-dad, who are all are supportive of me. Other than that, no one else knows, as it’s a bad town to come out in.
My brother has a girlfriend who I really like a lot. She is also bi and likes me as well. They have a two-year-old and recently had a six-month-old who died of SIDS. My brother cheats on her all the time –- it’s a fact, he told me. He also told me that he is leaving her for another woman soon. Please know that I would never backstab my brother; I have been honest with him and let him know that I have a crush on his girlfriend. He didn’t care.
Is it wrong of me to like her? Would it be wrong to date her if my brother didn’t mind? Or should I leave her alone and find someone else? I am very confused because I have never been in this situation before, and with all that’s been going on in her life, I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.
One more question, on a separate note: is it normal that when I’m around girls that I act a little “macho” and I feel like a gentleman, but when I’m with my husband, I’m a lady? Is there something wrong with me that I feel guy-ish like that?
I appreciate you taking the time to help me. There really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this.
—Seaweed
Let’s take the second question first: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s fun to play with gender roles and see what makes you feel most like yourself in different situations. Not to mention, it can be way sexy, baby! You can explore a bit more by looking up “genderplay” and “genderfuck” online and in books. There are millions of ways that people express gender, so don’t be afraid to let loose with your macho-lady self (in a safe space, of course).
My only caution is against basing your gender expression on who you’re with at any given moment. If those different camps of friends/family/lovers end up in the same room, it could feel like your worlds are colliding. Work on playing with gender while maintaining a consistent, integrated character. That kernel of your personality is the essence of you.
As for your crush, it’s great that you’re coming from a standpoint of loyalty toward your brother and compassion for his girlfriend. (Er, seems that between you and your bro, you scored the Sensitivity Gene…) It’s not wrong of you to like her, although I suppose the case could be made that your dating her could confuse her two-year-old. But considering all that’s on this poor woman’s plate –- recently losing a child, getting dumped by the philandering father of her toddler –- I think what’s in her best interest is if you don’t make a play for her now. What she’s really going to need when your brother leaves her is a friend.
When the break-up goes down, I’d write her a letter saying that you’re sorry to hear what happened and your heart goes out to her. Then, tell her that you’re starting to have feelings for her. Say that a.) you’re willing to push them aside in order to be there for her as a friend during this tough time, OR b.) you need to take a break from spending time with her because you can’t ignore these feelings. This strategy is all about communication and respect…plus, if she feels the same way, it gives her a chance to let you know.
Keep in mind, Seaweed: she’s not the only fish in the sea. It shouldn’t be that hard to find a salmon who isn’t up to her gills in your family drama.
After a ten-year hiatus, I (a woman) have started dating a woman. This is not the problem; in fact, this is wonderful. The issue is that when I was a teenager, I never felt the need to come out to my family, and now that I am older, I think that it’s high time, uncomfortable though it may be.
Now, this woman is wonderful, but my decision to come out at this time is one that I’m making because it’s time. How do I manage this in such a way that it doesn’t put an undue pressure on this very new relationship? I don’t want her to feel the responsibility for what I’m dealing with family-wise, as it doesn’t really have anything to do with her.
—Late Bloomer
Well…doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a pretty big coincidence that you feel it’s time to come out at the very moment you start dating a most fabulous woman (congrats, by the way!).
She’s dating you, and that means all of you — your whole, wonderfully complicated package. She’s dating a woman who has been comfortably out to herself, and possibly her friends as well, for years and years, but not out to her family. Your new belle is probably having a great time getting to know your interesting self, and this is part of that. Not only can she handle it, I’ll bet she’s enjoying the ride. Creating bonds with someone is as messy as a Gallagher show, but if she couldn’t take getting splashed with watermelon juice, she wouldn’t have bought a ticket.
Aside from the above acceptance and lezzie-faire attitude, you can feel free to put off introducing her to your family for a bit. Your relationship is still in its burgeoning stage and your family probably wants to chew on your news on their own timetable. When she doesn’t have to manage your family’s feelings but also isn’t “shielded” from yours, you’ll know you’ve hit the right balance.
I’m engaged to the most incredible woman in the world (sorry, everyone else!). Everything is going fairly smoothly as we plan the wedding and our lives together but there’s been one sticking point: she wants me to take her last name. Kind of insisting on it, actually.
Really, she just wants us to have the same last name. However, we agree that our last names are too clunky to be hyphenated, and we don’t want our future kids to be stuck with that. I don’t want her taking my name because I don’t think we should change our names at all. For me, my name is my identity, so trading it out for my partner’s doesn’t sit well with me.
I hate to admit it, but there’s a tiny part of me that thinks this has something to do with me being bi. (She’s a lesbian.) Like, maybe she thinks that if I had wed a man, I would have changed my name for him. (I wouldn’t have.)
Am I making a big deal out of nothing or should I stick to my guns? Or are we missing the compromise here?
—In Limbo
I’ll bet a nickel it doesn’t have anything to do with your being bi or her assumptions therein. You’ve done a good job of sussing out precisely what she wants – i.e. for you to have the same last name — but you need to get to the bottom of why. The fact that you think it has something to do with your being bi indicates that you haven’t fully communicated on this issue. Have you told her what you told me about your name being your identity? Have you asked her why it’s important to her that you share a last name?
Start there and build a compromise. You haven’t nearly exhausted all of your options on combining names – how about combining your names into a new one, like Melissa Etheridge did with Julie Cypher? How about keeping your names but each of you tattooing the other’s on your back? – so don’t be afraid to think outside the box as you try to satisfy your values.
For the record, whenever I’ve seen this issue before, the person who wants everyone to have to the same last name feels strongly that it makes them and their children an “official” family. If she’s having trouble articulating why this issue is important to her, you might throw that out as a possibility.
