exist

Strap your helmets on, Wild Deuces, because Tiggy is answering a couple of sports questions on this two-fer Tuesday.

Dear Tiggy,

My 16-year-old boy just told our family that he is bi, which is okay with me. He is currently in a monogamous relationship with a girl, who knows how he feels. None of his other friends know. He plays competitive sports and my husband now tells him that he should no longer shower in the locker room with the guys as he has always done, since it is not fair to the other guys. I think that this betrays a bias my husband – who otherwise seems to support my son – subconsciously holds. What is the protocol for the locker room?

-S.A.

Perhaps you’ve heard the old adage about homophobia? It’s the fear among straight men that gay men will treat them the way they treat women. A little kernel of truth in there, eh?

The protocol for your son in the locker room is the same it ever was. I don’t think your husband has even thought this through. If your son suddenly declines to shower with his teammates, does he honestly think that will go unnoticed? Is he suggesting that your son out himself? It’s pretty clear that he’s not comfortable doing that yet, as he hasn’t.

Has your husband considered that a shower embargo might put your son in danger of being bullied? Or that he’s projecting how he thinks he would have felt as a teenager in a locker room full of girls, and his son doesn’t exactly feel that way? Or that statistically, there’s almost no way his son is the only bi/gay guy in that locker room?

I do applaud your husband for being otherwise supportive. Right now, he’s viewing this from the perspective of the straight teenage guy that he was. I think an ongoing process of gently nudging him to see things from his son’s perspective would be the best plan.

Dear Tiggy,

I just came out to my dance team that I am bi. My coach said she doesn’t believe in bisexuality, that it’s a phase and I need to choose whether I like girls or boys. She tries to tell me that I just date boys because of the pressure, but I respond that that’s not true; I have fallen in love with boys and I am attracted to males. I am also attracted to girls. She doesn’t seem to get that.

I’m very close to her. How do I have her understand more that it is possible to like both sexes?

-Kait

It’s not your place to educate this adult. It is her duty as a coach to nurture your personal development, or at least not disrupt it, and she’s failing in that.

If you’ve shared with your parents that you’re bisexual, you need to tell them about this ongoing debate with your coach. One or both of them should have a conversation with her – the kind where your parents talk and she listens. They have to let her know that they don’t appreciate her trying to inappropriately influence you with her wrongheaded ideas about sexuality. You’re bisexual, it does exist, and no one gives a rat’s rear what Coach Fussybritches believes. And if they (your parents) hear about even one more incidence of this, there will be consequences. Boom, drop the mic.

I’m guessing you don’t want to get your parents involved or hurt your relationship with this coach. The thing is, as close as the two of you are, she can never really be your “friend” the way your peers are. She’s your coach and filling that role comes with certain responsibilities. If your parents don’t know that you’re bi, please explain this situation to your academic advisor, school nurse, older cousin or aunt, or some trusted adult who can straighten her out.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

Dear Tiggy,

This is probably the most asked question, but how can I rebut people who don’t believe that bisexuals exist? I tend to get into arguments about this. Is there anything more I can say besides, “Yes, we do”?

—Responder

Advice columnists always say the same thing about these scenarios: don’t give a snappy comeback, just rise above their rudeness. And they’re right, that is what you should do. But ask yourself: is it more important to be right or to be a wise-ass? On Tiggy Tuesdays, the answer is always (b). (Note: everything hinges on the delivery with these, so be sure to practice.)

Cautious: “Well, I mean, maybe I’ll come out as fully gay when I’m comfortable with it. I’ve identified as bi for 17 years now, so I think in another 17, I might be ready.”

Condescending: “I know you don’t, Sweetie. It’s OK, you can understand sex at your own pace. Only married men and women ‘do it,’ and only to have babies. You just take your time.”

Confession: “OK, OK, you’re right. Bisexuality is just something that the Witness Protection Program made up. Thanks for blowing my cover, jackass. Now I have to move again.”

Current Events: “No, I’m not a closeted lesbian. I’m actually the real Whitey Bulger. I’m just really, really trying to throw people off the trail. Thank God they nabbed that old guy – who was that?”

Greedy: “People think I’m just greedy, but you’re the one denying entire genders your smoldering hotness. Aren’t you the selfish one here?

Existential: “Did you ever think that bisexuals are real, and everyone else is lying? And that we’re all just part of someone’s elaborate dream? What is the sound of one bisexual clapping?

I’m Rubber, You’re Glue: “We don’t believe that you exist either…well, the Tooth Fairy believes you exist but he thinks you’re an asshole.”

Living Under a Rock: “You don’t think bisexuals exist? I…I’ve never heard that before. What an astute view of sexuality – hey, have you heard about this new ‘Kinsey’ study that just came out?”

Sarcastic: “You’re probably right. Personally, I’m just a closeted gay but I’m saying I’m bi because everyone’s way more accepting of that.”

Responding to an ex-boyfriend: “You apparently didn’t believe that my clitoris existed either, so pardon me if I don’t take your word for it.”

Responding to a straight homophobe: “You know, for someone who purports to be so straight, you sure seem to know a lot about queer life.”

Responding to a gay friend: “We exist as much as that girl you secretly fucked six years ago.”

Responding online, A.K.A. Godwin’s Law: “What else are you going to deny the existence of —- the Holocaust?!?!”

The Flirt: “Twenty minutes alone with me, and I’ll have you believing you’re bisexual.” [wink]

The Contest: “YES! I only need three more people to deny that bisexuals exist, and then I win an iPod.”

The T-Shirt: “It’s not a phase, it’s my life.” **You can buy these in the BRC Store, just saying…

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 11, 2013

June 28, 2011