Settle in, Wild Deuces, for another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!
Dear Tiggy,
Today I was called a “miserable dyke” by someone who doesn’t even know I’m bi. No one but strangers on the Internet do.
Do you have any suggestions on how to cope with such negative energy and finding the courage to come out even if people won’t accept me?
-Bi Girl
To be honest, one thing I’ve learned from being bisexual is that feeling hated is actually rather freeing. When it seems that you can’t please anyone, there’s not a thing stopping you from doing what you know to be right for yourself. Evidently, people are going to call you a dyke whether they know you’re queer or not. Under circumstances like that, you might as well come out on your own terms.
It’s understandable to want to wait until you think the world is ready to accept you before you come out. Unfortunately, depending on your immediate environment and where you set the bar for acceptance, your current wait time is somewhere between exceedingly long and forever. Better, I think, to come out when it’s more comfortable to be out than not.
When you make friends who are queer, socializing with and supporting each other, it starts to feel like more of a hassle to be closeted. When you date someone special and want the world to know — as does ze* — coming out begins to look attractive. As these people become a part of your life, you begin to internalize the good things about being LGBT, and you’re suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of hiding an authentic facet of yourself that isn’t bad at all.
If you feel the comfort scale tip to the other side of the closet door, that’s when it’s time. You have a lot of agency in making that happen. Reach out to the bi community and give us a chance to reach back.
Dear Tiggy,
I have been in a same-sex relationship for three years; my mother does not approve. However, I have been able to keep my love life and my family life separate.
Now that I am 31 years old (i.e. not getting any younger!), it is getting to me that these two parts of my life have almost no interaction. It feels like a juggling act that has been going on for way too long.
My dilemma is, I love my girlfriend but I also love my mother. I have trouble swallowing the usual advice that I get – “It’s your life and you should do what you want” – because I want my mother in my life just as much as my girlfriend.
Should I sacrifice my relationship with my girlfriend? I am attracted to guys as well, and figure I would be able to eventually find someone. But I don’t want to regret my decision later. I know there isn’t a clear cut answer on this one but…HELP!
-KT
Quite a different situation from our friend above, and yet the advice holds. You’ve kept your worlds discrete so far because it’s the least unpleasant choice among your admittedly less-than-ideal options. Or it was. It sounds like your life isn’t very pleasant anymore.
In your position, the partner is typically a main driver in bringing the situation to a head because ze refuses to be treated like a dirty little secret. Many times, the onus is on them to make the closeted one uncomfortable because otherwise nothing will change. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend has pressured you in that way, though. It makes me sad to see you describing your relationship with her as if it were disposable. I wonder if she senses that you feel that way and that’s why she hasn’t pushed you to intermingle your worlds.
If you do break up with her, I think you might be surprised at how little control you have over falling in love again. You may well fall for another woman; then what will you do? And even if you connect with a man or stay single, that pain of not being able to be your whole self with your mother may always be there.
In the same way that your girlfriend might not have enough faith in your relationship to push you to come out to your family, I think you might not be confident that your mother loves you enough to remain in your life if you’re out. That, too, makes me sad.
I think you need to reframe this in your mind: it isn’t a choice between your girlfriend and your mother. This is much bigger than that. It’s between living your life with integrity vs. having to contort yourself to keep someone’s love. It’s about giving your mother an opportunity to love the real you. I think you need a therapist to help you through these feelings, preferably one who specializes in bi clients and/or family dynamics. They can help you decide how uncomfortable is enough.
*gender-neutral pronoun
It’s OK to say “when”.
Let the Four Tops give it to you like this, Bi Girl.
© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.