Dear Tiggy,
I’ve known I’m bi for pretty much forever, but did not come out until I was 18. I’m now 21 and looking for a life — or at least long-term, committed — partner. My parents are very accepting, with one catch…
My mom thinks that in being bi, you can choose whether to pursue your life with a man or woman –- not fall in love but choose, among those you love, which one to marry and spend your life with. And she thinks, given all the discrimination same-sex couples face, that I should choose a man. This, she says, is for my own sake as well as my future children’s.
Obviously, I disagree with her but I can’t articulate it well despite my repeated efforts. When she says this, I feel such a pressure to only pursue men but I have a definite preference for women. My resistance to pursuing men now has me questioning my orientation I’ve already switched my label to “queer” instead of “bi.” Advice?
-Inarticulate
Your mom reminds me a bit of this mom, in that they both just want their daughters to have the easiest lives possible. Good parents typically –- and irrationally –- want to eliminate every potential obstacle from their kids’ lives. Moms: they worry.
She might also be putting some of her own stuff on you. (I think sometimes we don’t realize that our parents are humans and have their own thoughts and feelings that they occasionally project onto others.) Maybe she married your dad because it was a rational choice but then ended up loving the hell out of him, and wants you to have that experience, too.
Maybe it’s the opposite and, in pure “Mom” form, she doesn’t want you to make the mistake she did. Maybe she was so smokin’ hot that she got to pick any spouse she wanted from a veritable smorgasbord of suitors, and assumes you will as well.
But you’re not her. You’re not even an extension of her. You’re you, and if you’re old enough to look for a committed partner, you’re old enough to do it without having your mommy tell you how.
The next time it comes up, recite this from memory: “Mom, I’m going to date whoever I’m interested in, regardless of gender. Let’s talk about something else.” Explaining it to her isn’t working and it’s making you insecure. Stay away from queer theory convos with her for now.
And, hey, consider slowing your roll. If you’ve announced to her your intention to find a life mate at the tender age of 21, you might have thrown her into a panic of thinking this is her only chance help you make the right choice. I’d suggest approaching dating a bit more casually, at least when you’re talking to your mom.
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