defend

Dear Tiggy,

I am bisexual, female, and in a year-long relationship with my girlfriend, who is also bisexual. Our best friend, “Anne,” is roommates with my girlfriend. Since she is fairly religious, we were afraid to tell her about us but finally did after four months in. Being a rather possessive person, Anne had a hard time dealing with us being in a relationship that she was not a part of. She was angry at first but got much better as time went on.

Today, though, Anne revealed that she had told her sister about us a long time ago so she could have someone to talk to about it. (Note that we are not completely out yet.) Unfortunately, her sister told their very religious father. After a long, grueling phone call in which Anne completely defended my girlfriend and me, her family told her she was going to hell for supporting us and that they didn’t want to see her again until she cut all ties to us.

I feel so guilty. I feel like I ruined her life, and made her choose between her family and me. She keeps talking about how she has nobody to walk her down the aisle and no place to go for Christmas. I have no idea what to do.

Thank you for any advice.

-Guilty

Welp, Anne wanted to be a part of your relationship…aaaaand now she is. But before we talk about that, let’s review the ways in which you are not responsible for her actions or their repercussions:

She outed you to her sister without your permission.

Her sister told someone you ostensibly never would have told.

She opted to fight about it with her father.

You didn’t commit any of these actions that led up to the unfortunate result. Arguably, you might have made a different choice at every turn. You are responsible for none of this and, therefore, have nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, even the part where Anne defended you to her father which, while honorable, was her decision to make. In order to get past your guilt, you need to acknowledge that you did not “[make] her choose between her family and [you].” If you want to put blame where blame is due, how about starting with her homophobic and vindictive father?

Back to Anne. While I don’t think it’s a conscious effort, I do think she’s getting something out of your guilt. On some level, she realizes that wailing about family-less special occasions makes you feel like you and your girlfriend owe it to her to become her new family. Now that she’s martyred herself for you (which, remember, you never asked her to do), she can enjoy being a permanent appendage to your relationship. You know you’re getting played at least a little when Anne is lamenting a lonely holiday a full eight months in advance. “Nobody to walk her down the aisle”…does she even have a boyfriend? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I suggest releasing your guilt or risk having it fester and turn into resentment. The next time Anne cues the violins for her plight as a political orphan, encourage her to consider making up with her father in some way. Tell her that you appreciate her standing up for you and your girlfriend, but you can’t take the place of her family.

Guilty: “You’re not our wife.”
Anne: “I threw my family for you.”

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

Wild Deuces, this recent post on Gawker about a guy whose dad found out he’s gay via his blog is making me think twice about my answer to this questioner. Is it OK not to come out to a parent when you’ve come out to the rest of your family, or is it ultimately hurtful? Join the BRC’s Facebook page and tell me what you think.

And oh my gosh, was Bilicious fun. Loved seeing you, Lovelies.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 years old, so really my whole sexuality is up in the air. People say I shouldn’t even know who I’m attracted to yet but I know. I’ve liked boys and I’ve liked girls, and I am proud to say that I am probably bisexual. However, I feel like I am way too young to come out, or even tell more than one or two people.

That’s why it’s hard for me to stand up for LGBT rights, defend LGBT people, and stop others from using the word “gay” as an insult. My peers label anyone who stands up for that as gay. I don’t want everybody to know about me, not now anyway. Any advice?

-Amanda

Isn’t it strange how we have an easier time standing up for others than for ourselves? I think it’s more than just not wanting to come out prematurely. When we stand up for our own community, it seems like we’re only doing it out of self-interest but when an ally takes a stand, the objectivity somehow legitimizes her plea for respecting a class of people as human beings. (As if a request for basic human respect is “legitimate” based on who does the asking. Dang, people are weird.)

In any case, you should not feel pressured to come out until you’re good and ready. In dealing with knuckleheads accusing you of queeritude solely to undermine your fight against homo/biphobia, you have a few options.

1.) Tell them your cousin is bi, your mom’s best friend is a lesbian, etc. Then you’ll be in the “ally” role, which feels safer. Please note that this only works if it’s true. If people find out that you’ve concocted a gay uncle from thin air, you’re really going to look suspicious.

2.) Emphatically agree with your accusers. “Yes, I am a lesbian! I do it with every girl I know!” It’ll take the wind out of their sails like nothing else. There’s no sting to evilly-intended words that you welcome with open arms, even if everyone around you knows you’re not sincere about it. This method is a junior version of “reclaiming a word,” which is something that activists do on the regular.

3.) Address it with your closest friends individually, and work your way up to dealing with it as a united front. If someone in your group starts trashing LGBTs, wait until you’re alone with a compassionate friend and say, “I wish she wouldn’t say that, don’t you? There’s nothing wrong with gay people.” Over time, bring it up in a similar way with one or two other friends who might agree. The next time the bashing happens in a group, you can silently give these friends a look like, “Oh no, not this again.” Eventually, I believe one of you will say something and the others can back her up.

Give yourself a break, though, Amanda. Group dynamics are really, really hard in middle school. If you do have the guts to stand up against homo/biphobia, please believe that there is at least one secretly queer person in the crowd who will be forever grateful, and many more who are quietly impressed with your character.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 6, 2013

October 16, 2012