September 16, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a high school student who came out as bisexual last year to my friends and the news has fairly progressed throughout the school since then. After I came out I had my first girlfriend a year after having my first boyfriend.

People assume I’m just lesbian and that I despise guys but that’s not true. So many people refer to me as gay that I’m starting to tell some people I’m lesbian and some I’m bi. I’ve noticed that I choose depending on how I feel about that person. I don’t know why I’m doing this but it is very conflicting to me.

I have a crush on a guy but I feel like I’m holding myself back from telling him because if something were to happen between us, there would be too many questions about my sexuality and too much drama. What doesn’t help is that everyone tells my ex-boyfriend that he “turned me gay,” not to mention the fact that we are all in one sports team. Help?

-Steph

Being on a team is drama. Basic sociology dictates that humans in a group are going to date each other and break up, and observing teammates have to more or less roll with it. And sports are nothing — you should see what it’s like being in a theatre production. It’s called Drama Club for a reason. Anyway, the truth is that if folks are talking about you, that means they find you intriguing. There are worse things than being popular, sweet Steph. It does stink to get bad PR, though.

Since you’re the one who has the interesting business that everyone else wants to be all up in, you ought to revel in said business. Specifically, focus on this guy you’re after and let the Greek chorus that’s following you fade to background noise. Every time you find yourself getting caught up in the peer analysis of your romantic life: stop, recognize it, and redirect that energy toward the dude. You only have so many hours in the day to care about stuff. Prioritizing your energy is vital.

Let me get a little Wizard of Oz on you for a sec: I believe that you’ve always had the brain, heart, and nerve to address those who are curious about your love life. However, instead of giving you a diploma, a medal, or a watch (which was sort of random…?), I want to give you a phrase: “I’m 100% bisexual.”

The word “hapa” was at one time a slur against people who are part Asian/Pacific Islander and part (an)other race(s), as it comes from the Hawaiian word for “half.” But then a beautiful thing happened: mixed race Asians reclaimed the word and connoted it for the positive. I smile when I see “100% Hapa” bumper stickers, knowing it’s a point of pride. (Can you imagine how rad it is to be a hapa bisexual? That’s 200% hapa in a single person!)

So we’re taking a page out of the hapa book for you today. When someone asks you about your sexuality, just say, “I’m 100% bisexual.” It’s pithy, it’s ironic, it’s self-confident, it says all you need to say. Don Draper would love it. If your curious friend mentions that they heard you identify as a lesbian some days ago, you don’t need to get into your experimentation in advertising yourself to different markets; just say, “I figured it out.” You weren’t lying before (or now) and your sexuality didn’t change, you figured it out. Any further questions can be answered with, “Now, now. A girl has to have some secrets,” and a change of subject to your inquisitor’s love life.

Oh, and the next comment about your ex turning you gay should be met with an eye roll and a muttered, “That joke is so old.” If the person saying it is trying to humiliate your ex in front of the rest of the team, go full throttle and state firmly, “Stop saying that. It’s not true and it’s not funny.” If you can, you should privately say to your ex at some point that no matter what has or will happen since you two were together, nothing is going to change the fact that you liked him. Anyone can say whatever they want because what matters is that you and he know it was real.

But enough about him…go get that new guy.

This movie was about 100% better than the trailer made it look.
P.S. Check the poster’s handle. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 14, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve only come out as bisexual to a friend who I live near and see every day, and to some friends I made on a trip, so I’m still not really out. Recently, I had a huge ordeal: I asked a girl I really like to a school dance but I’ve found that I have a crush on another guy. How do I juggle the emotions I feel for my crushes of different genders?

Furthermore, I’m worried for my future. Can someone have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time? How do I choose which gender I want to be with in a serious relationship?

-Frank

Dealing with crushing on different genders is essentially the same as doing so when all of your crushes are the same gender. For now, just enjoy it. Go to the dance with the girl and decide afterward whether you want to pursue something with her, the guy, a new crush, or none of the above. Feelings around love and sex might be a bit overwhelming but it’s really nothing to panic about.

Yes, a person can have more than one boy/girlfriend at the same time, regardless of gender; it’s called “polyamory.” To be perfectly polyamorous instead of a chump-style cheater (or something similarly unhealthy), be sure to follow the four tenets that Loving More proscribes: honesty and clear agreements among partners, mutual goodwill and respect among all involved, intense interpersonal communication, and high ethical standards. That said, it’s often difficult for high schoolers to find others interested in dating non-monogamously. You may have to bide your time until after graduation to find poly-dating peers.

(Hey, as long as we’re on the subject, this would be a good time to make sure you understand the difference between polyamory and bisexuality. Take a minute to check out the second paragraph of my answer here.)

As for your last question, don’t choose a gender to be with; choose a person. The cool thing about bisexuality is that you don’t have to limit your love by gender! Follow your crushes and see where they take you.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 24, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a happily married 27-year-old woman. I am bi, and my husband knows and is fine with it. I’m only out to him, my mother, my brother, and my step-dad, who are all are supportive of me. Other than that, no one else knows, as it’s a bad town to come out in.

My brother has a girlfriend who I really like a lot. She is also bi and likes me as well. They have a two-year-old and recently had a six-month-old who died of SIDS. My brother cheats on her all the time –- it’s a fact, he told me. He also told me that he is leaving her for another woman soon. Please know that I would never backstab my brother; I have been honest with him and let him know that I have a crush on his girlfriend. He didn’t care.

Is it wrong of me to like her? Would it be wrong to date her if my brother didn’t mind? Or should I leave her alone and find someone else? I am very confused because I have never been in this situation before, and with all that’s been going on in her life, I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

One more question, on a separate note: is it normal that when I’m around girls that I act a little “macho” and I feel like a gentleman, but when I’m with my husband, I’m a lady? Is there something wrong with me that I feel guy-ish like that?

I appreciate you taking the time to help me. There really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this.

—Seaweed


Let’s take the second question first: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s fun to play with gender roles and see what makes you feel most like yourself in different situations. Not to mention, it can be way sexy, baby! You can explore a bit more by looking up “genderplay” and “genderfuck” online and in books. There are millions of ways that people express gender, so don’t be afraid to let loose with your macho-lady self (in a safe space, of course).

My only caution is against basing your gender expression on who you’re with at any given moment. If those different camps of friends/family/lovers end up in the same room, it could feel like your worlds are colliding. Work on playing with gender while maintaining a consistent, integrated character. That kernel of your personality is the essence of you.

As for your crush, it’s great that you’re coming from a standpoint of loyalty toward your brother and compassion for his girlfriend. (Er, seems that between you and your bro, you scored the Sensitivity Gene…) It’s not wrong of you to like her, although I suppose the case could be made that your dating her could confuse her two-year-old. But considering all that’s on this poor woman’s plate –- recently losing a child, getting dumped by the philandering father of her toddler –- I think what’s in her best interest is if you don’t make a play for her now. What she’s really going to need when your brother leaves her is a friend.

When the break-up goes down, I’d write her a letter saying that you’re sorry to hear what happened and your heart goes out to her. Then, tell her that you’re starting to have feelings for her. Say that a.) you’re willing to push them aside in order to be there for her as a friend during this tough time, OR b.) you need to take a break from spending time with her because you can’t ignore these feelings. This strategy is all about communication and respect…plus, if she feels the same way, it gives her a chance to let you know.

Keep in mind, Seaweed: she’s not the only fish in the sea. It shouldn’t be that hard to find a salmon who isn’t up to her gills in your family drama.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.