January 22, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My son-in-law has just disclosed he is a crossdresser and may be bisexual. My daughter would like to have resources to a cope with this as a spouse and support him as he sorts this out for himself. They are in the military in Hawaii.

-Douglass

What great timing, Douglass — the latest Boston Bisexual Women’s Network newsletter addresses this exact issue. The theme of BBWN’s Winter 2013 newsletter is “Mixed Marriages,” which includes mixed orientation marriages, such as one between a bisexual person and a heterosexual person. Turn to page seven and you’ll find terrific resources provided by therapist Betty Schleyer, Ph.D. These include the groups Alternate Path, Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (MMOMW), HUGS Couples, and Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriages (MMOM), as well as research showing that “stable, satisfactory mixed orientation marriages are possible.”

One caveat: having a spouse who comes out as gay or lesbian is a markedly different experience than one who comes out as bisexual. As your daughter and her husband search for compassionate support, I hope they know that if they receive feedback that makes them feel uncomfortable or judged, or simply doesn’t fit their reality, they should trust themselves and look elsewhere.

Meanwhile, I’m having a devil of a time finding resources for bisexuals and allies specifically in Hawaii. Your daughter and son-in-law might want to see what support is provided by OutServe, the military’s new association of active LGBT personnel. (Never thought we’d see the day, eh?) Furthermore, if they’re open to visiting a Unitarian Universalist church — which would not require them to give up any theism that they currently have — there’s one in Honolulu. UU churches have long been a safe space for LGBT people and this one in particular has a couple of conversation groups that may interest them.

And remember, a lack of local assistance is no obstacle in the Internet Age. The BRC has terrific brochures on our website, including one with a list of books on bisexuality and another on how to support the bisexuals in your life. As for crossdressing, please give your daughter this list of the Top 11 Misconceptions About Crossdressers to ease her mind. She’ll find support and information specifically geared toward wives and girlfriends of crossdressers – also known as transvestites – at A Crossdresser’s Secret Garden and Tri-Ess (Support, Serenity, Service).

Good luck to your family, Douglass, and I’ll put a call out to the bi community to send reinforcements to our beloved 50th state.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 3, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

For years, I’ve wondered what it’s like to go down on another man. Thought about it, fantasized about it, watched porn about it, even obsessed about it while being in a straight, long term, and committed relationship. I like to wear lipstick and used to like dressing and speaking as a women, i.e. posing as a woman and providing phone sex to men. I was pretty good at it and liked doing it, but then I’d think “I’m insanely stressed right now, I’ll get past this.” And eventually, I did.

At this point, I haven’t cross-dressed in years, nor have I worn lipstick in years, although I still have some hidden. The one thing that hasn’t gone away is my need for men but I’ve never acted on my desire for them. (Believe me, I’m still attracted to women.) If I’m bi and in Los Angeles, where do I go and how do I go about telling a man I want to go down on him? On a larger scale, how do I begin to live more authentically?

By the way, my Christian church has a thing about homosexuality of any kind. They’d literally burn me like a witch if they knew I thought like this and had these kinds of demons burning inside.

—The Baztard

I think we’ve located the problem. It’s your church.

Why do you choose to be part of a community that would hate your guts if they actually knew you? Why wouldn’t you walk away from a group of people who give you the choice of either being ostracized for being your normal, healthy self or hiding your true nature and being miserable? Maybe you grew up in this church and it’s all you know, but Buddy, something’s got to give here. For years, you’ve been back and forth about whether you want to fulfill your desires, and I’d say the reason you feel so conflicted is because you’re peppered with constant messages that these desires – and you! – are demonic. There’s no way that that doesn’t affect you.

Actively fill up your life with people and things that love everything about the real you – or would, if you shared it with them. Make it so there is zero room for those that cast shame upon you. Start going to one of these churches instead. If church is a big part of your life, transitioning to a new one will be tough at first. But deprogramming from the hate and living an authentic life is going to make you feel so, so much better.

Oh, and: ManHunt.com or Craigslist.org’s Casual Encounters.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.