September 30, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I am pretty sure that I am bisexual, and I have had crushes on both men and women since I was twelve. I am nineteen now and I have never felt safe or comfortable telling anybody about my sexual orientation.

My older sister has a severe personality disorder, and will likely never marry or have kids, which makes me feel a lot of pressure to be the daughter that my parents didn’t get the first time around. If I told them what I was, I know they would be supportive but they would also be upset and I can’t bring any more grief into their lives.

Also, I highly value my friendships with heterosexual girls, and even though I have never been attracted to a straight girl, I am worried that they would feel uncomfortable with me if I came out to them.

My question for you is, do some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives and does this have a negative effect on them? All I want is to be happy.

-Eliza

Nah, you couldn’t care less about making yourself happy. You want to make sure everyone around you is happy, even if it kills you. Maybe especially if it kills you. You, my lovely lady, have a martyr complex.

Here are some things that are not your job:

  • To be the daughter your parents want /“deserve”
  • To produce a son-in-law and grandkids for your parents
  • To eliminate all grief in your parents’ lives
  • To assure your straight friends that you are not sexually or romantically interested in them
  • To ensure that those who interact with you are comfortable with your identity and your personal behavior, even at the expense of your own comfort
  • To be perfect for everyone else

Yes, some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives. And yes, living a life that does not feel authentic has terrible effects on virtually all who attempt it, including feeling isolated, unfulfilled, and phony.

Here’s a better choice: find other ways to feel in control of your environment without resorting to self-sacrifice. Develop a practice of self-care. Make choices about yourself that benefit you, and let friends and loved ones manage their own disappointment.

A martyr complex is probably the nicest of all of the complexes, but it isn’t nice to you. And your happiness matters.

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of four months is bisexual and I am gay. I know this because he was open about it from the start. What he was not open about, however, was the fact that for the first two months we dated, he was also sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. She found out about me and told me about their relationship, and about the fact that he had already cheated on her several times with men while they were dating.

The girlfriend has now gone off to college (he’s 19, she’s 18, I’m 25), and the two of us are happy and reported to be monogamous. Problem is, she’s coming back for a fall break in October, and I’m confident they will have sex again every time she’s back in town.

I have no problem with him sleeping with women (trying to be GGG and a supportive boyfriend, giving him the freedom to have fun with parts I do not have) but I don’t want him sleeping with women he was at one point in love with!

Ugh. Am I crazy to be with him? Crazy to deny him sex with the ex? Crazy for dating a 19 year old, when clearly we’re in very different maturity stages in our lives? Part of me wants to leave him because I know this will only lead to future cheating and dishonesty, but I think I love him.

-Luke

I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, you’ve assessed the situation quite realistically. Most un-crazy monogamish folks have some kind of lines to draw in their relationships, and the boundary that you’re trying to set (i.e. no ex sex) is not unreasonable. You recognize and even articulate that your and his life stages are not aligned and that expecting him to adhere to this (albeit fair) rule is impractical.

No, not crazy at all — or, any more than the lot of us who have been in a similar situation. You’re just human, and hope burns eternal in the human heart. You’re clear-eyed enough to be 99% sure that this is going to end badly but there’s that 1% of you that secretly believes this might work out beautifully unless proven otherwise. It’s unfortunate but it appears that your heart has donned its powdered wig, taken its gavel, and proclaimed that Boyfriend Defendant cannot be convicted without evidence.

Looks like you’re going to have to ride this one out to its probably painful conclusion.

Go easy on yourself. It takes herculean strength — and then some — to say no to love, even stupid love. I predict that when you come out the other end of this, the next time someone dwarfed by your maturity entices you to board this particular merry-go-round, you’ll have the experience to say, “Nope, not again.”

Time to get selfish, Eliza. Or, as the French say, egoiste.


And speaking of French, Amelie adorably shows you how a martyr complex loses its flavor.


Crazy stupid love. Is there any other kind?

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 5, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of two years just came out to me as bisexual. I’m really confused because we’ve had an excellent sex life for a year and a half. We’ve also had an excellent relationship. It’s the strongest either of us have ever been in.

When he told me of his bisexuality, I told him that I would give him a free pass to try being with a guy. I gave him a few stipulations, like that he can’t have full out sex with him and he has to tell me immediately afterwards what he was thinking and feeling — every possible thing he can think of. I also said I didn’t really want them to be friends because it would make me feel really hurt. He vehemently refused this free pass although I’ve offered it to him three times now.

He wants to marry me and isn’t interested in expressing the attraction he has to men. I don’t know what to think or do! I love him, he loves me, and we are both 100% devoted to each other, but I don’t think I’ll be completely comfortable again in our relationship until I know what he wants. He says he only wants me and no one else.

Please help. I’m falling apart over here. I’m terrified he’ll get bored and leave me because he’ll decide he likes men more. He is my first everything so I feel this incredibly deep emotional attachment to him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.

-Megan

This relaxation exercise should help: become aware of the muscles in your right pinky finger. Relax them until your pinky goes limp. Do the same with your left pinky; both are now loose and free. Repeat with your ring fingers, middle fingers, and index fingers. As you complete the exercise by slackening your thumbs and palms…

…you should be able to unclasp your hands from around your boyfriend’s throat.

Your “free pass” is not free. The price he pays is your getting to set the precise parameters for the sexual activity he is allowed to engage in and the relationship he is allowed to have with his sexual partner after their encounter (i.e. none). And, of course, he must do an exhaustive brain dump for you so that you can Thought Police him.

Your “free pass” is not a pass. It’s an order. It’s not for your boyfriend; he doesn’t want it. It’s for you, so you can convince yourself that he’s gotten it out of his system. You want him to exorcise this demon under tightly controlled conditions so that you can go forward in life without the slightest worry that he’ll ever leave you. You’re projecting your insecurities onto him and then trying to fix them by fixing him. Not only does it not work but it’s also no way to treat a fellow sentient being, much less someone you purport to love.

The bisexuality element of the situation is easy. He doesn’t feel the need to be with other men in the same way that you don’t feel the need to be with other men. Bisexuals are as capable of monogamy as anyone else. He has told you that he does not want to explore that part of his sexuality with someone else; it’s on you that you don’t believe him.

The part you’re playing here is a much larger cause for concern than bisexuality. You’re acting out of fear and ignorance*, and your controlling behavior could be a precursor for abuse. Healthy partners come to terms with the fact that life offers no guarantees and control is almost always an illusion. He may think he wants to marry you but the harsh reality is that you’re not nearly emotionally ready.

The best thing you can do right now is get to a place where you know that if you split up for any reason, you’d be OK. Really, I promise you: you would be OK. He’ll still be your first everything, you will keep a special place for him in your heart forever, but you would eventually move on with your life. I’m not saying this because I think you’re going to break up. I’m saying this because your refusal to believe that you’d survive it is starting to turn you into a monster.

*To address this: scroll up, click on “Back to the BRC website” and read.

 
Just have sex with a guy, then put on this Christopher Walken headset so I can experience your every thought and feeling about it, and we’ll never have another problem. Easy peasy.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 4, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a guy in my mid-20s and I am confused about my bisexuality because I have only been with women. I actually wish I was not bisexual and when I feel attracted to men it is a feeling I do not like.

My problem is that I have several times (but not always) felt that I am more attracted to men than women. Sometimes the urge to kiss a guy is stronger than the urge I have ever felt with a woman. And when I think about doing something with a guy I can get more turned on than when I think about doing things with a girl. Even when I masturbate the feeling is different, i.e. sometimes more tingling when I think of a guy.

That is not to say I don’t feel strong urges with women. When I see hot girls and I think about their bodies, I just want to go over and grab them. There are also things I prefer with the female body, such as the soft skin and breasts. But as I mentioned before, I have never been with a guy – and I don’t really want to – so I don’t know if these feelings are true or if my mind is just playing tricks on me.

Why I find this disconcerting is because I am not happy with being bisexual. I want to have a wife and kids some day. I want to have a woman I can hold and share my life with. I can’t really picture myself lying in bed cuddling with a man. What makes things even more confusing is that I have never been in love before. If I had been in love with a woman, I might have not been that afraid of feeling a strong lust for men because I would know I was capable of loving women. So whenever I feel attracted to men, I am afraid that I am more attracted to them than women.

In my head, there is an eternal battle. Can I really be more attracted to men when I have never been with one (and don’t particularly want to be)? Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal? Is my body telling me I want to be with a man, while my mind says I don’t?

Apologies for the excruciating detail and the explicit content, it’s just that I am really confused and depressed a lot of the time.

-Chris

Your letter makes me so sad for you. Lying in bed at night thinking, “I don’t want this…I don’t want to be this,” is incredibly painful. I hope my thoughts offer you solace, if not immediately, then in the long term.

The good news for you is that plenty of male bisexuals fall in love and settle down with a female partner. Furthermore, the vast majority of bisexuals don’t like all sexes equally. I’ve come to believe that nature abhors perfect balance just as much as it hates vacuuming. How would a person even measure whether zir* affection and attraction to one gender is precisely equal to zir feelings for another? And even if you did, for example, have a stronger pull toward men than women, you could still fall in love with and have a long term relationship with a woman.

But honestly, I think your wish not to be bisexual comes from internalized biphobia. Your revulsion in imagining cuddling and having sex with a man is likely from the same source. You ask, “Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal?” and I believe that’s probably correct.

There is such a thing as being a heteroromantic bisexual – that is, a person who is romantically attracted only to a different gender but is sexually attracted to more than one gender. I don’t think that’s what we’re dealing with here, though.

As I see it, your actual problem has little to do with sexuality and everything to do with your need to control your own life story. Chris, the truth is that control is an illusion. None of us is completely in charge of how we turn out. You don’t need to try to force your life to perform the hetero script you wrote for it…in fact, you couldn’t even if you wanted to, no matter how much you ruminate on this issue. So stop trying to mentally measure every urge and feeling because you’re going to make yourself nuts.

Focus your energy on letting go of the need to control your life’s narrative. You can look into Buddhism and start meditating, or read a self-help book like this one or this. Train yourself to welcome whatever may come into your life and you’ll be much more content regardless of what happens.

*gender-neutral pronoun

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 8, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Before we begin, I have a suggestion for Angel in the last column: try having your girlfriend wear a strap-on when you have sex. Give it a whirl –- it could be a lot of fun! (Why didn’t I think of this two weeks ago when you wrote in? I swear, Tiggy would lose her head if it wasn’t strapped on.)

Dear Tiggy,

I am an 18 year old female and am bisexual. About six months ago, I started dating my amazing girlfriend. She is perfect. She is so nice to me – we write each other poems all the time and we love each other for who we are. If I’m ever upset or sad, she just cuddles with me and I am there for her as well. We have just as much fun sitting and talking or watching TV as when we are making out or having sex. She says I understand her more than anybody. We decided to stay together when I went to college and are still going strong. We are so comfortable around each other and we trust each other with our lives; it really is a fairytale relationship.

Except the part that isn’t a fairytale relationship. First of all, I am not out to anyone and neither is she. We are both bi and like men as well, but we both have never told anyone about our interest in females. Second, she is 12 years my senior, meaning she is 30 while I am 18. Third, she used to be my vocal coach. She was not a teacher at school but an instructor who I took private lessons with.

While we don’t care about these things when it comes to just us, we both want to reach the point where we can come out, proudly hold hands in public, and tell people that we are dating. Right now, we keep it a secret and since she is my best friend, nobody ever questions us hanging out alone together. I’m very worried mostly because I really, really love her…but I am also close with my family. While they might someday accept that I am bi, I don’t know if they could ever accept her as my partner specifically, especially when they were the ones paying for my voice lessons.

We never did anything other than sing during my lessons but it looks like she took advantage of me. That couldn’t be further from the truth: I made most of the first advances and neither of us took advantage of the situation. We just really love each other. My problem is that I have no idea how to make other people understand that.

-Scared and in Love

It’s good that you recognize that it looks like she might be taking advantage of you. Unfortunately, between your “perfect” this and “fairytale” that and poems and cuddles and unicorns crapping sparkly rainbows, you’re otherwise showing very little perspective because you’re butt-crazy in love.

The distance between 18 and 30 in terms of life experience, shared interests, and maturity is huge. Huge. Not all love affairs with a power differential are borne of manipulation or suffer from internal exploitation but some are and do. This is what your family and friends will be worried about when you tell them, and while you might think they don’t get it because they’re not in your relationship, you also have to accept that they could be more objective for the same reason.

Please recognize the potential for a person in her position to control your relationship, and even the likelihood that that’s her aim (conscious or not) given that she chose to be in that position.

Here are the biggest concerns:

  • This sounds like it started when you were a minor.
  • She crossed a professional line.
  • You’re in the closet, which makes you more vulnerable.

Here are some questions for you to ponder:

  • Why isn’t she dating women closer to her own age? (Don’t automatically reach for, “We didn’t mean to fall in love. We like each other as people regardless of age.” It’s seldom that random. Look harder.)
  • Why did she choose to date her student?
  • Has she ever dated someone over whom she had “power” (e.g. age, status) before? Is this a pattern for her?

Honestly, I don’t mean to make your girlfriend out to be some kind of villain. I feel bad about raining on your love parade and I’m not dogging May-December romances in general. But it’s prudent for you to consider the tough possibilities with clear eyes in order to truly know whether yours is a healthy relationship. You say you want to “make people understand” that this is love; to do that, you first need to take their perspective on why it might be something a bit different.

Since the most worrisome element here is the secrecy, the best thing you and your girlfriend can do is tell your friends and family about your relationship. Show everyone your love, let the world in on it. Live openly and start hanging out together with other people – go to the mall together with your friends, have dinner together with your family. If you and she operate entirely above board, it will be difficult for anyone to make the case that there’s something shady about it.

I hope your girl wants to proudly hold hands in public as much as you do, Scared & In Love. Your family will probably have a hard time with this information at first, but there’s only one way to be out, and that’s just to go for it.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 15, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I recently found out that my husband of seven years has been viewing bi porn. I had my suspicions that he may have these tendencies but we are in a monogamous, loving, hetero marriage.

We are currently in counseling because I was overwhelmed with having this in front of my face and felt betrayed. I’m angry and afraid that this might destroy our relationship, and because he never really admitted it to me, even though I questioned him over the years.

Now it is out, and our therapist is very optimistic that we can overcome it and stay married and faithful. I’m dealing with my confusion and coming from a place of kindness instead of insecurity and resentment. I am convinced that my husband truly loves and is devoted to me and our wonderful life together.

In your opinion, is this a common bump in the road that we can grow and recover from? Can he fight his urges and remain faithful to me? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I just need to be able to set aside my fears in a positive, understanding way and drop the whole thing. We both want our marriage to last forever and he is willing to not view the things he knows would upset me. He realizes it is deceitful even though there is no physical acting out.

I am hopeful that with continued therapy, we can sort all this out and move beyond it. I respect your honest opinion and need to know that we are on the right path.

—Sea Dubbs

Communicating with honesty and kindness and working with a trained therapist is the right path no matter what, I’d say.

Yes, bisexuals are capable of monogamy. You’re one of my many readers who has confused bisexuality with polyamory. One doesn’t necessarily go with the other. Here, read this.

However, there’s an important unanswered question: can your husband identify his sexuality? The fact that he views bisexual pornography is not a definitive indicator to whether he is –- or isn’t –- bisexual, straight, or gay. Perhaps he knows how he identifies but hasn’t been honest with you because he’s afraid you’ll shame him, think he’s abnormal, be disappointed, or make him stop looking at porn.

Each couple comes up with their own terms for cheating; I think it’s time for you to reevaluate yours. Do you want your husband to eschew all porn, or just anything that indicates he’s other than heterosexual? If it’s the latter, would your opinion change if you accept that his preferred pornography is not the final judgment on his sexuality? Do you understand that even if you banned male porn for him, he can still use his imagination?

Do you fantasize about people, situations, and sexual acts that you would never want to experience in real life? If so, then why can’t your husband do the same?

My point is that mutually defining your terms for cheating is fair game, but you may have crossed a line. You cannot control him and it’s unfair for you to try. In fact, it will likely backfire as he does what he wants anyway and lies to you about it.

I think for him to be honest with you, he needs to know that you won’t try to control him, particularly using faulty information on sexuality. Show him that you’re willing to work toward that; I bet he’ll return the favor by eventually telling you who and what he’s really attracted to. And with the right information, you won’t feel threatened by it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.