April 14, 2015

Posted on by tiggyupland

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 17 year old male and I consider myself a biromantic homoflexible person. I have been biromantic most my life, having had romantic crushes on both males and females. But sexually, I was mainly homosexual until over a year and a half ago. In the past year or so, I have learnt that I am homoflexible: occasionally sexually attracted to the opposite gender, and predominantly sexually attracted to the same gender. I like to identify as queer as well.

I came out as bi to some friends to keep it simple, but am willing to elaborate if needed. I am wondering if you would consider “bi” to be an appropriate term. If a person is a biromantic heterosexual or homosexual, for instance, would it be practical for them to consider themselves straight/gay or bisexual? I know it would be up to the individual, but I was wondering if you have a stance on this as a bisexual.

-J

The only stance I have on this is how cool it is that you know yourself so well.

Labels of any kind can only be applied by the one wearing them. That said, a sexuality label not only helps you understand yourself better, it also helps others understand what you’re about and points you toward a community. The tricky thing, as you’ve discovered, is that your label for yourself isn’t necessarily one that most others can comprehend, nor is it always attached to an organized community.

Labels can sum up a part of you in a succinct word or two but when you end up having to deliver a lengthy explanation on it anyway, you begin to wonder why you even bothered with it.

So some queer folks pick the closest recognizable label and go with that for public purposes. Hey, that’s terrific! I like that you’re “willing to elaborate as needed” because it demonstrates that you’re not hiding anything, you’re just trying to make your life slightly less difficult. Thumbs up, Captain.

I humbly submit that the especially neat-o aspect of identifying as bi is that it’s all but assumed that you have another moniker tailored to your more specific sexual identity. Lots of us use the word “bi” as an acronym (B.I.) that stands for “Bi Inclusive” — that is, an umbrella term inclusive of all of the middle sexualities. As such, the bi community fully expects that you have a precise term for the kind of person you’re attracted to…and we each already have six or seven biromantic homoflexible friends!

I believe that most biromantic hetero/homosexuals identify as straight/gay out of practicality, but also because being bisexual still carries a stigma. Thus, it is evermore spectacular that you choose to identify as bi, thereby throwing a metaphorical wrench into the perpetual stigma machine (also metaphorical). But that’s just one Wild Deuce’s opinion. At the end of the day, your personal label is about what you’re most comfortable with, and everything else is just gravy.

Make YOUR own label!


© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 31, 2015

Posted on by tiggyupland

On this last day of Bi Health Awareness Month, please take one last look at the information provided by the Bisexual Resource Center on mental health for bis. Learn how we’re vulnerable and what we can do to help ourselves. Our health matters, too! Here’s a letter to Tiggy on the topic…

Dear Tiggy,

I was sexually/physically/verbally abused as a kid. As I got older, I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual. However, my therapist and others have all told me that my bisexuality was a result of trauma and that I’m not actually bisexual.

I had a really hard time coming to terms with my sexuality, but when I’m in an accepting environment, I’m okay with it. Has anyone else been told this too? Most people will not even talk to me about this. I just wanted to know whether there are others like me at all.

-Maggie

Other queer people who have experienced abuse have been subject to inaccurate and ignorant theories connecting the two attributes. You are not alone, and I’m sorry that you have to put up with that treatment.

“Good for her for knowing who she is! Rock on!” That’s Peter Ruggiero’s reaction to the tenor of your letter. Peter serves/d on the board of the Bisexual Resource Center and BiNet, the two largest bi organizations in the States. He also works on behalf of male sexual assault ­­­­­­­­­­­­survivors, and is a survivor himself. Although your signature indicates that you are female, much of Peter’s knowledge of the psychology and sociology surrounding sexual abuse is relevant to survivors of any gender.

This is his take on why people are reacting to your sexual identity as they have: “When a survivor comes out with confidence, it knocks people off their pins. In this case, it’s the biphobia combined with people who are not sure of their own sexuality and related issues. Trauma plus religion can sometimes prompt this reaction as well. Maggie is coming at this with so much confidence that it’s jarring the people she’s talking to.”

I can only think of two reasons for why some people believe that your bisexuality is prompted by the abuse you faced…

HYPOTHESIS #1: Sexual trauma can shift someone’s sexual orientation.

This is such utter nonsense that I cannot take it seriously as a legitimate proposal. Pandora’s Project, a website for sexual assault and abuse survivors, addresses the matter aptly here.

It’s virtually impossible to prove a negative — i.e. “No environmental stimuli can shift your sexual orientation” — but there has been absolutely no indication, much less evidence, that it is possible or has ever happened. In my opinion, any counselor who actually believes this hypothesis should be barred from conducting a therapeutic practice.

Peter concurs: “There are old wives’ (and husbands’? Spouses’?) tales that abuse will make you this or that. There’s not a lot of precision to these accusations. I assure you, there is nothing scientific on which to base any presumption that sexual trauma will make you straight, gay, bi, or anything else.”

HYPOTHESIS #2: Having sex with people of different genders may be part of “acting out” subsequent to experiencing sexual trauma.

This could be what your therapist is claiming. Let’s take a look at common reasons behind post-trauma sexual acting out:

  • You assert your sexual behavior in a manner that allows you to be in control, counteracting the feeling of helplessness from your trauma. Sexual orientation has no bearing on this.

  • You’re a straight male who was sexually abused by a male and you’re afraid that it means you’re gay. You have sex with women to prove to yourself that you are straight. This does not translate to other genders or sexualities because our society only values hetero masculinity. In other words, you have no reason to want to prove that you are bisexual.

  • You search for a high to distract from the pain caused by trauma. The dopamine hit or distraction you might gain from sex is irrespective of the gender of your partner.

  • You engage in reckless sex because the trauma has made you feel worthless. You can have risky or safe sex with any gender.

  • You don’t understand that the abuse you suffered is not normal or healthy. Clearly, this is not your problem but even if it were, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

  • You’re trying to recreate what happened on some level but “correct” the ending. The idea that this would prompt bisexuality for you presupposes that your abuser was female. (So if he wasn’t, this is moot.)

      • That last possibility was the only one whose invalidity I wasn’t 100% sure about. Luckily, Peter set me straight. “If you’re acting out, you’re acting out, period,” he says. “The gender of the person with whom you’re acting is not particularly germane; it’s the act of acting out.”

      Notice, too, that these theories only operate off of sexual abuse (not otherwise physical or verbal) and assume active sexual behavior (when perhaps you haven’t done that yet). The logic behind the suppositions others are making on your sexuality just doesn’t check out.

      Peter says, “There’s a lot of fear out there, and it combines with bi/homophobia in our culture. If your therapist is trying to convince you of your sexuality and you know she’s wrong, then her qualifications come into question. This therapist is not treating bisexuality as a legitimate sexuality; she is treating it as a way to be extra slutty. It’s just some old-fashioned biphobia.”

      Agreed, bi brother. From where I stand, Maggie, the most important factor in all this is that you seem perfectly comfortable with your sexuality. Ergo, I can’t see that anyone has the right or reason to pathologize it.

      Being bi is not a mental health problem.

      © 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 22, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

On this fine two-fer Tuesday, Tiggy tips her fascinator to the wonderful gay men in our bi lives.

Dear Tiggy,

My queer friend keeps serving me up the “everyone’s a little bisexual” line. As a bisexual, this phrase annoys me both as a form of bi erasure (because if everyone’s bisexual, no one is) and also because I think it’s simply not true (i.e. I have met people who were Kinsey 0s or 6s).

But I have trouble just telling him to cut it out because I think he uses this as a discreet way to identify himself. Although he tells people he’s gay, he’s not a solid “Kinsey 6” and still has some attraction to women. This is his way of showing that part of himself, although he’s so predominantly attracted to men that the bisexual label doesn’t fit for him.

My question is, how can I tell my friend that I find this line problematic while giving him space to express his identity?

-Leanne

Hmm. Sounds like you might be a bisexual. Your friend, well…he’s another story.

There’s a maxim that was reputedly first made popular by legal philosopher Zechariah Chafee, Jr. in the late nineteenth century: “Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man’s nose begins.” In your friend’s case, he’s welcome to identify himself however he likes but he doesn’t have the right to speak for anyone else.

After all, how could he possibly know whether everyone is a little bisexual? And doesn’t each individual have as much right to identify zirself as he does, even if that identity is “not bisexual in the least”?

The next time it comes up, you might say to him privately, “Hey, just so you know, the bisexual community frowns on the whole ‘Everyone is bisexual’ theory because it actually erases bisexuality as a valid identity. I just wanted to give you a heads-up so you don’t say it in front of the wrong person.” The mention of the bisexual community is critical, as it might get him thinking about bis as a discrete cultural group unto ourselves.

You’re kind to let him flail about as he settles on his sexuality but you’ll be doing both him and yourself a favor in letting him know when he inadvertently whacks you in the schnoz.

Dear Tiggy,

My best friend is a gay guy. I’m a bi girl. When we’re together we talk about cute boys nonstop and queer things in general, but I get this weird complex: I don’t talk about my girl crushes very often because he’s not interested, or at least he can’t relate. I feel like he thinks of me as some kind of “fag hag” — the straight girl along for the queer fun ride.

How do I get my friend to recognize me as equally queer as him?

-Kara

Let’s start by giving him the benefit of the doubt. Did he indicate that he isn’t interested in hearing about your girl crushes or did you assume that’s the case? Sure, he can’t relate to liking girls romantically, but he can relate to love — and to you, his friend. Truly, most of us enjoy dating gossip from friends no matter what gender the crush in question is. We just want dirt.

It also might be that he senses a hesitation from you and doesn’t want to push you to talk about girls if that makes you uncomfortable. Sort of a self-perpetuating cycle, isn’t it? Welp, there’s only one Wild Deuce who can break it, and that’s you, Miss Kara. Make an effort to insert some girl-talk into your conversations with him and give him a chance to be receptive.

If you’re both relatively young, it might be hard for you to carve out a queer identity without constantly crashing into each other. He might think he has to fit a certain stereotype in which he plays mascot to a feminine hag; you could be stuck thinking that because you’re bi, you have to prove to everyone else that you’re worthy of the “queer” label. I think it would help both of you to find additional queer friends, even if they’re just online. Once you start to see all the different kinds of queer people who don’t necessarily fit a mold, and you realize that you don’t need each other to fulfill your every single queer need, you can relax a bit.

What is love? Between a gay guy and a bi gal, it’s THIS.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 10, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I just transferred to a new college and have experienced a huge amount of discrimination by both the straight and the gay communities. As a musical theatre major, I am used to a lot of tolerance. Here, however, I have been told that I must be overly promiscuous, flaky, illegitimate, and a burden to the gay community. I’ve never felt so hurt and alienated.

I am very comfortable with my sexuality and I just want to be able to focus on my career without worrying about labels. I am proud and I want other bisexuals at my university to feel like it is okay to be who they are. Do you have any suggestions for spreading awareness throughout my campus without offending the gay community and becoming a social pariah to the people I support fully? I thought we were all in this together.

-Nell

Nell, ask yourself: “Why would dispelling hurtful myths about my community offend gays?”

Here’s another thing to ponder: why would you fully support those who you think are offended by your very existence?

I’m making two points here. The first is that we need to be ever-vigilant about battling internalized biphobia. By the way you’ve worded your letter, I sense some of that sour thinking is starting to seep into your brain. Stay aware of it and be sure to raze that mess before it hits your heart. We need your spirit to be strong for the challenges ahead!

My second point is something I learned at a (non-physical) self-defense seminar that I took at the Harvey Milk School in San Francisco many years ago: perpetrators are cowards. They seek out victims who will be easy to overpower. Therefore, since everything about my presentation as I walked down the street said, “I’m just trying to get to my destination. I don’t want any trouble,” I was unwittingly making myself the perfect victim to potential aggressors.

I learned that this lesson holds true for any antagonizer. Sending the message “I don’t mean to provoke your ire with who I am” leaves you quite vulnerable to people who have made it clear that they don’t respect you. In a nutshell, you have to know deep down that being bisexual is super cool and let that radiate from your soul. (You can fake it ‘til you make it, though.) Only then will you feel no need to apologize for it.

With that attitude mastered, I’d say it’s time for you to organize. I see that your school doesn’t have an LGBT activity group as one of its intercultural programs. What a fantastic opportunity for you to start one! It can be a conversation group that sometimes does educational projects, too. You’ll get the support you need, give other bisexuals support, and meet lots of lesbians, gays, and trans* folks who are terrific allies to the bi community. You’re going to feel so much better when you find some LGTs who really get you. Trust me, there’s a whole lot of them out there.

Fighting biphobia is tough work and you don’t want to go it alone. We are all in this together — so get together with the other queer peeps at your school and start building that community you envisioned.

Yeah…yeah, you’re RIGHT, Madonna, I’m NOT sorry. And DON’T hang your shit on me. Thank you.

Now get on out there and find your fellow B(ee)s.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 9, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Is it possible to discern whether you’re bisexual or pansexual? I know that I’m attracted to both traditional genders, but when I think about it truly, if I really loved someone I don’t think that gender would be an obstacle whether s/he was pre/post op, or whatever. I know labels aren’t important and blah blah blah, but I feel like it’s important to who I am.

I just want to be able to identify myself as one or the other. I wish my sexuality could just fit into a neat little box and I could call it what it is. Any guidance?

-Confuzzled

I am watching in horror as you unwittingly wander onto a minefield.

Read this now. No, I’m completely serious: click on the link, read the entire webpage, and when you’re done, read it again for good measure. And that goes for everyone, not just the letter writer. Yes, you. Yes, it’s that important. You’re probably not gonna understand the rest of what I say if you don’t, so go on and get it over with.

The label “bisexual” does not, in any manner, mean “someone who does not have romantic and/or sexual relationships with trans* or genderqueer people.” So, dear Confuzzled, that answers that. Blogger ChristineLeeM characterizes bisexuality as loving people of genders similar to and dissimilar to oneself, while she defines pansexuality as being gender-blind in one’s love. These inoffensive denotations might help you in better defining your personal sexual identity.

As for the larger issue, I’m sure you’re now realizing that this is a Big’ Ol’ Damn Deal in the non-monosexual community. I won’t bother to repeat anything that’s already been said on this vicious, biphobic myth surrounding the “bisexual” label and those who use it. (…although I can’t help but give a shout-out to blogger Even Aud’s recent post on the topic: “Your need for purity, for a Bi-free zone, the need to have a sexuality that you can crap on to make yourself look good, does not concern me.” Heh.) But I will ask you all to join me in pledging the following whenever this topic re-rears it’s particularly ugly head…

We’re not going to do this. We’re not going to turn on each other. We’re not going to let anyone pit us against the trans* community. We’re not getting suckered into making fools of ourselves by putting on a petty, pedantic in-fighting show. And we’re not going to accept anything less than mutual respect and solidarity from ourselves.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 21, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Why do you think there is so much biphobia in the LGT community and what can be done about it?

—Kim


Geez. Anything else you wanna know, like the meaning of life or whether God exists? No? Alright, then, let’s take this one on.

It’s an unfortunate reality that vulnerable communities sometimes tear down other vulnerable communities to make themselves feel superior. It’s that adage of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours burn brighter — which, of course, doesn’t work. The mindset is: “Well, maybe I’m [minority], but at least I’m not [other minority],” and to confirm that notion, folks proceed to denigrate and abuse the other group.

But people who engage in this dynamic are not just trying to convince themselves of their superiority. Some of the most socially powerful within a minority group believe that they could be accepted by the majority as one of their own. In this case, we’re talking about gay men (who are probably also white, able-bodied, cisgender [people whose gender assigned at birth matches their body and personal identity], etc.) who think that they’re this close to being fully accepted by the straight community. They figure that they’ll be hanging with the cool kids as soon as they make it clear that they’re not like those losers, the bisexuals.

My public service announcement for any minorities currently entertaining this notion is as follows: The cool kids are never going to fully accept you.

I should note here that it’s not really fair to lump the Ts in with the Ls and Gs in this case. Many transgender people are bisexual, and our two communities generally get along like peas and carrots. More importantly, the trans community does not have the power to oppress bisexuals because we’re equally downtrodden, thank you very little. They are under no illusion that the mainstream will accept them as equals any time soon.

So, what can be done? The solution is to band together and insist on visibility. The San Francisco Human Rights Committee’s 2011 report tells us that “self-identified bisexuals make up the largest single population within the LGBT community in the United States.” The fact is, once our numbers are felt, there won’t be any denying us. And yet, so many people still won’t publicly identify as bi because, as actress Cynthia Nixon stated, “nobody likes the bisexuals…we get no respect.”

As Kathleen O’Neal thoughtfully opined on the BRC Facebook page, we need to create a space where bisexuals can actually identify as such without enduring hatred, particularly from the rest of the queer community. That starts with each and every bi person understanding that ze* is not alone. Bisexuals have conferences, books, blogs, social groups, activist groups, and regular events in every major city. We are everywhere and we are connected. First and foremost, we need to cultivate those bi community connections, battle our internalized biphobia, and be visible.

*gender neutral pronoun

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.