January 7, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a woman dating a guy who I think is bisexual. I would ask if he is but I know he would deny it. I am sure he has had sex with a man but considers himself straight. Is there a way to tell whether he is bi?

I have thought about it and doesn’t bother me if he is. I am willing to continue my relationship with him even if he is bisexual. I have had sex with another woman, so I am an open person.

He and I have been together for three years and although he has given me a ring, we don’t say we love each other very often and we hardly ever kiss with tongue. Moreover, we don’t have intercourse much; when we do, it’s doggie style. He is usually hard but not enough for intercourse, so we often have oral sex and he orgasms easily that way.

Is there some way to sexually explore whether he is bisexual without saying anything and alienating him? Are there sexual acts I can try to see how he reacts?

-Theresa

There’s no way to tell if someone is bisexual other than asking them. The sexual activity you describe doesn’t mean anything about his sexuality, and there are no sexual acts that one likes (or doesn’t), performs (or doesn’t), or receives (or doesn’t) that indicate bisexuality. For better or worse, there is no bisexual birthmark.

I wonder: why are you so eager to know? You already know how he identifies and the genders of some of the people he’s slept with, so you practically have your answer already. It sounds like you think bisexuals have to divide their sexual attraction among the genders, thereby diluting it. That’s not how it works, though; even if he is bisexual, that doesn’t have anything to do with how active your sex life is.

If you’re not satisfied with the way you share physical affection, you need to talk to him about it. I know, it’s hard. You’re afraid of scaring him off and making him feel embarrassed. You’re not sure what to say. Theresa, most of us — bisexual or otherwise — have been faced with the task of communicating about sex and have felt the same way you do. But a long term relationship is worth the effort and you might be amazed at the things you find out. What if he’s been thinking this whole time that you don’t want to kiss with tongue? What if he’s on medication that affects his erections? What if he’s been wanting to try new positions but wasn’t sure if you were up for it?

The next time you finish having sex, dive in. Ask him open-ended questions (i.e. questions that don’t have a simple yes/no answer), then tell him some of the things you think you’d like. If you frame it as a fun, physical adventure, he’s sure to want to be the Lewis to your Clark.
 
If you can’t talk to your boyfriend, at least talk to Rick Stratton. He’s begging you.
 


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 14, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve only come out as bisexual to a friend who I live near and see every day, and to some friends I made on a trip, so I’m still not really out. Recently, I had a huge ordeal: I asked a girl I really like to a school dance but I’ve found that I have a crush on another guy. How do I juggle the emotions I feel for my crushes of different genders?

Furthermore, I’m worried for my future. Can someone have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time? How do I choose which gender I want to be with in a serious relationship?

-Frank

Dealing with crushing on different genders is essentially the same as doing so when all of your crushes are the same gender. For now, just enjoy it. Go to the dance with the girl and decide afterward whether you want to pursue something with her, the guy, a new crush, or none of the above. Feelings around love and sex might be a bit overwhelming but it’s really nothing to panic about.

Yes, a person can have more than one boy/girlfriend at the same time, regardless of gender; it’s called “polyamory.” To be perfectly polyamorous instead of a chump-style cheater (or something similarly unhealthy), be sure to follow the four tenets that Loving More proscribes: honesty and clear agreements among partners, mutual goodwill and respect among all involved, intense interpersonal communication, and high ethical standards. That said, it’s often difficult for high schoolers to find others interested in dating non-monogamously. You may have to bide your time until after graduation to find poly-dating peers.

(Hey, as long as we’re on the subject, this would be a good time to make sure you understand the difference between polyamory and bisexuality. Take a minute to check out the second paragraph of my answer here.)

As for your last question, don’t choose a gender to be with; choose a person. The cool thing about bisexuality is that you don’t have to limit your love by gender! Follow your crushes and see where they take you.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 30, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Today, Tiggy brings sage advice to three Wild Deuces with three little words…

Dear Tiggy,

My girlfriend and I are bi. We’re in college and are partners in thesis. Recently, we talk less and it seems like she is avoiding me. When I ask her if she’s okay, if there is a problem, or if her mother already knows about us, she gets irritated and doesn’t answer the question.

Two days ago, she deleted her relationship status with me in Facebook. I did forget our two-month anniversary but I don’t think that’s why. I have a feeling she still loves me since she hasn’t returned the drawing tablet I gave her as a gift. I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss her.

-Pear Tree

Three words: Talk to her! You’re in a relationship and you deserve the respect of an honest conversation. If she confirms that she wants to break up, it will sting but I suspect you’ll be relieved to at least know where you stand.

 

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a while and I’ve decided that I’m bi. I don’t want to come out to my friends and classmates yet because some of my best friends are not fond of the idea, and I don’t want them to treat me differently.

The problem is, I absolutely NEED to tell someone. (I want to tell my aunt because I love her more than anyone.) I don’t know how to do it or what I should even say.

-Abbey

Three words: Tell your aunt. (I can almost feel the weight being lifted off of your shoulders already!) The BRC’s webpage on “Coming Out as Bisexual” in its Youth section gives great information and the video shows some examples of how other kids have done it. There are some excellent accounts in the book Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well, particularly in the second chapter. I think you’ll find that most people either write a letter or blurt it out; in your case, I recommend the latter, but you can practice what you’ll say beforehand. Find a time when you and your aunt are hanging out alone and go for it.

Three tips: 1.) Do tell you aunt what being bisexual means to you. 2.) Don’t tell your aunt that you think “everyone is bisexual.” Speak on behalf of your own feelings. 3.) Your aunt may be wary of keeping this secret from your parents. You can assure her that you’re not in any danger and that you appreciate knowing that you can confide in a trusted adult.


Good luck, Abbey!


 

Dear Tiggy,

I am 23 and realized that I was bisexual/pansexual/queer a couple of years ago, based solely upon analysis of my inner feelings of attraction and interest. While I understand that this is enough to allow me to label myself as I wish, I feel a deep insecurity about this identity. As I have only kissed a few girls but have been in long-term relationships with several guys, the questions of other people make me feel that I need to act upon my feelings in order to validate them.

However, there are a few extra complications getting in the way of my exploration. I am in a long-distance relationship with a guy. Despite our choice of monogamy, he has specifically permitted me to explore my sexuality – not because he considers female-female relationships as less valid, or receives a voyeuristic pleasure from them, but because he wants me to be happy.

I am rather asocial, so the only way that I would meet someone would probably be by going to a gay bar, in which intentions and orientations are clearer than elsewhere. Alas, in such a place, it would be difficult to explain my situation properly, and I think that most potential partners would be turned off by a) my relationship status and b) my lady-sex virginity.

 Also, I am sex positive in theory, but have a lot of insecurities in practice; hence, getting together with a stranger when I have no idea what I’m doing is extremely intimidating.

 Finally, I am extremely nervous about perpetuating stereotypes about bisexuality in the lesbian community by being a woman in a relationship with a man, interested solely in a physical encounter with a woman.

How do I approach this situation? Do I lie/avoid talking about my situation (difficult, because I am honest to a fault and it seems unfair to the other person)? Do I hope that I can stumble upon the rare woman who would be willing to be my guinea pig, so to speak?

-M.

Three words: Find partners online. On OKCupid, for example, you can explain your situation in your profile so people who are not interested in participating can just keep moving. And trust me, you are not nearly the first person on OKCupid in these circumstances.

As for getting together with someone to have sex, no one knows what they’re doing and everyone’s nervous. You know that. If you’re so freaked out that you can’t do it, then you need to come to terms with your insecurity about being bisexual on your own. Regarding the last part, common stereotypes aren’t your problem. You’re not saying every bisexual wants or does this, and you’re allowed to make your own choices. Feminists can be stay-at-home mothers, right? Same thing.

What I think will help you is getting out of your own head and trying to see this experience from your potential sex partner’s point of view. Essentially, it’s the opposite of framing them as a “guinea pig” (and, God, please don’t ever say that again). If you find someone in your exact position, focus on the even exchange – and fun! – of being each other’s “first.” For a lady looking for a quick fling, communicate with her at length about what she likes in bed, dim the lights, and give it the ol’ college try. Taking the spotlight off yourself and getting into the giving spirit should shake off those nerves a bit and provide you with a little direction.

You got this, M. Log in and git down.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 5, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My wife knows that I have bisexual interests and I have told her about bisexual experiences that I have had in the past. We used to enjoy having threesomes with a very good mutual friend, but now she prefers to be friends with him as he has difficulties maintaining an erection and she isn’t excited by his technique anymore.

I miss that kind of sex in our relationship, but she says she isn’t interested in seeking it out now. I am about ready to ask her if she would let me pursue a relationship with a man where guy-guy sex could occasionally happen. The problem is that I am most excited by bi men who, like me, have large cocks and enjoy being sexual most when members of both genders are involved. I feel that men with this particular set of attributes/preferences are hard to find and don’t really know how to proceed, but my desire for having this kind of sexual relationship just won’t go away. What can you tell me?

-David

Definitely broach the topic of this form of polyamory with your wife. There appears to be very little risk in doing so: she knows that you’re bisexual and she’s participated in threesomes with you, so she won’t be surprised by your suggestion of taking a male lover. If you go that route, ManHunt.net should be helpful in locating a proper dude.

But your letter is a bit unclear – is she tired of threesomes or just tired of threesomes that include that particular guy? Why not talk to her about that and see if you can find men you’re both interested in? You seem convinced that there are only two large-membered men interested in Devil’s Threesomes*: you and your buddy with erectile dysfunction. I’m happy to tell you that you are incorrect — so don’t give up so easily! — but you need to know where to look.

For this, I consulted my good friend, Dr. X, who has not only sampled several sex communities but also founded his own thriving sex club. He first recommends searching for local swingers clubs online, and exploring Craigslist.com and FetLife.com. Although “Fet” does refer to “fetish,” he assures me that it’s a good space even if you’re not kinky: “You can be vanilla and still talk with like-minded people and join groups of kindred spirits in almost any locale on any topic.” 

In joining a sex club, X says, “The ideal method is to connect through someone in-the-know: a confirmed non-sketchy pal who understands boundaries and consent and is a stand-up person. A safe space for bisexual people specifically is relevant especially as a bi male, I’ve found.”

David, let me now be the first to encourage you to take the fulfillment of your sexual desires to their most climactic end. Mahatma Gandhi famously counseled us all to “be the change you wish to see in the world.” He was, of course, referring to creating your own sex club.

Take it away, Dr. X. “Before one even thinks about trodding down that path, there are certain prerequisites that need to be in place for safety and to insure that you’re going to experience the super-sexy time you’ve been picturing in your fantasies. It is possible, but this is real life and you gotta do your prep work.

“The big thing is making damn sure your interpersonal communication skills/negotiation skills/ability to recognize and diagnose sketchy people EARLY ON are honed. If you’ve had a history of being used or not recognizing signs ahead of the 20/20 of hindsight on several occasions, you might want to hold back and take stock. Make sure you’re comfortable with the phrases ‘No,’ ‘No, thanks,’ and ‘No, fuck off.’ Once such personal groundwork is established, you can start a club with select people you know and trust. Put in some structure for safety and filter members to uphold quality and agreed-upon values.” Dr. X recommends using a private Facebook page for group communication.

No matter how you proceed, please know that you have options, lots of people like what you have to offer, and you’re probably attracted to more types than you think. Access the possibilities by having more than one friend in the world.

*a threesome with two men and one woman

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 19, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have been married to the love of my life for a little over three years and we have a two-year-old son whom I love more than life itself. I have always been interested in guys, although I don’t so much find them attractive or check them out. I have had encounters with men before and enjoyed it.

I recently confessed to my wife this deep secret and she was happy that I told her but at the same time was very overwhelmed. I want to do it again but my wife doesn’t believe in any kind of sex outside of marriage. I respect her feelings but I keep wondering about it.

I can’t help how I feel and I don’t think I can go through my entire life suppressing these feelings. I asked if we could have a threesome but she never wants to touch or be with another guy besides me. She offered to try new things but I don’t think this would suffice. Any suggestions? I have no idea what to do.

-Confused

Fine readers: this is why you communicate your sexual desires and preferences to your partner before — or instead of — pledging lifelong monogamy.

Confused, that ship has sailed for you, so let us forge ahead. Since this confession was so recent, your wife is still processing the information and trying, as you are, to mentally fit it into the parameters of your marriage. The information, the parameters, or both will have to be compromised and you’re both still coming to terms with that fact.

You offered some good possibilities (e.g. a threesome, a rendezvous for you outside of your marriage) and her reply was negative. But that was just her initial reaction, and surely you can understand such a response when you answered her proposal for “trying new things” likewise. If you approach this as a series of conversations instead of a single question with a yes/no answer, the process will open communications and grease the wheels of compromise.

Please find a therapist to guide you two in discussing how a mutually beneficial sex life might look. This list of bi-friendly therapists is an excellent place to start searching. For this to work, both of you need to be open-minded about the possibilities. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for her to eventually decide that she’s OK with you having sex with men as long as she can be there (or as long as she doesn’t have to be there). And perhaps once you experience the new things she wants to try, you’ll find them satisfying after all.

Note, too, that being a closeted bi — i.e. one who suppresses certain feelings — can be agony but that’s very different from being a monogamous bi. After all, when you married, didn’t you willingly agree to stop acting on your sexual feelings for other women? What I mean is, it’s possible that just being able to talk openly about your feelings for men to your wife and/or a community of bisexuals will be enough for you.

She’s the love of your life, Confused. I have total faith that with a trained therapist mediating your talks, you two can devise a sex life that satisfies you both.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 15, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I recently found out that my husband of seven years has been viewing bi porn. I had my suspicions that he may have these tendencies but we are in a monogamous, loving, hetero marriage.

We are currently in counseling because I was overwhelmed with having this in front of my face and felt betrayed. I’m angry and afraid that this might destroy our relationship, and because he never really admitted it to me, even though I questioned him over the years.

Now it is out, and our therapist is very optimistic that we can overcome it and stay married and faithful. I’m dealing with my confusion and coming from a place of kindness instead of insecurity and resentment. I am convinced that my husband truly loves and is devoted to me and our wonderful life together.

In your opinion, is this a common bump in the road that we can grow and recover from? Can he fight his urges and remain faithful to me? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I just need to be able to set aside my fears in a positive, understanding way and drop the whole thing. We both want our marriage to last forever and he is willing to not view the things he knows would upset me. He realizes it is deceitful even though there is no physical acting out.

I am hopeful that with continued therapy, we can sort all this out and move beyond it. I respect your honest opinion and need to know that we are on the right path.

—Sea Dubbs

Communicating with honesty and kindness and working with a trained therapist is the right path no matter what, I’d say.

Yes, bisexuals are capable of monogamy. You’re one of my many readers who has confused bisexuality with polyamory. One doesn’t necessarily go with the other. Here, read this.

However, there’s an important unanswered question: can your husband identify his sexuality? The fact that he views bisexual pornography is not a definitive indicator to whether he is –- or isn’t –- bisexual, straight, or gay. Perhaps he knows how he identifies but hasn’t been honest with you because he’s afraid you’ll shame him, think he’s abnormal, be disappointed, or make him stop looking at porn.

Each couple comes up with their own terms for cheating; I think it’s time for you to reevaluate yours. Do you want your husband to eschew all porn, or just anything that indicates he’s other than heterosexual? If it’s the latter, would your opinion change if you accept that his preferred pornography is not the final judgment on his sexuality? Do you understand that even if you banned male porn for him, he can still use his imagination?

Do you fantasize about people, situations, and sexual acts that you would never want to experience in real life? If so, then why can’t your husband do the same?

My point is that mutually defining your terms for cheating is fair game, but you may have crossed a line. You cannot control him and it’s unfair for you to try. In fact, it will likely backfire as he does what he wants anyway and lies to you about it.

I think for him to be honest with you, he needs to know that you won’t try to control him, particularly using faulty information on sexuality. Show him that you’re willing to work toward that; I bet he’ll return the favor by eventually telling you who and what he’s really attracted to. And with the right information, you won’t feel threatened by it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.