November 25, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

As an older bisexual woman (42) married to a man for ten years, what questions should I expect from my family when I come out to them? I have come out to several LGBTQ and straight friends and coworkers, but not to my family.

Thanks,

M

I assume when you say “family,” you don’t mean your husband because you’ve already come out to him. You didn’t mention whether you have children and, if so, what their ages are. Coming out to your kids, especially those who are still young enough to live with you, is very different from coming out to your parents or extended relatives. Luckily, people close to you tend to generally have the same questions. They probably won’t phrase them exactly like this so you’ll have to sleuth out which of these four questions they’re really getting at:

What does “bisexual” mean to you?
This is another way of asking, “What exactly are you telling me?” The beauty of a sexuality label is that it sums up a chunk of your identity in a nice, clean package. The irony that you discover once you choose the appropriate label is that you have to explain it anyway.

But it’s a gift when someone gives you a chance to customize your label! The alternative is typically to let them try to understand it through stereotypes and hearsay, which…yikes, that’s never good.

Get clear with yourself what you mean by “bisexual” so you can rattle it off with confidence once you come out. Feel free to steal — and amend to your personal taste — Robyn Ochs’s definition.

What did you know and when did you know it?
Let me be blunt: with this inquiry, folks are wondering whether you were lying to them or to yourself at some point. You can stay rather vague on this by gently informing them that coming out to oneself is a process and you’ve told them about this new self-discovery as soon as it was appropriate.

How will your behavior change?
Will you be bringing new people to family gatherings? Will you be more political with the LGBT community? Will this be common knowledge around town or will I have to keep this information under my hat in front of certain people? Answering this will manage expectations.

How will this affect me?
This is the bottom line question for everyone. Since you already have a primary partner, I suspect that your news won’t have much of a practical effect on your family. However, they’ll probably need a little time to adjust to your new reality and be able to talk about it comfortably. Meanwhile, if someone is mining for answers but your bisexuality doesn’t really affect them at all, I suggest that you cut the conversation short. You are under no obligation to satisfy anyone’s curiosity.

And now that you know more or less what inquiries you can expect when you make this fabulous family announcement, all that’s left to decide is how you’ll tell them. Perhaps this Thursday, you’ll reach past a Pilgrim and over a horn aplenty to grab the nearest good-luck-gourd, leap to your feet, and proclaim that you are ever so thankful to be an out and proud bisexual.

A question for the 42-year-olds out there: what the hell does this song mean? Will the rest of us find out when we turn 42? Or when we consciously uncouple from someone?

If you’re 42, this was probably your Thanksgiving jam at some point.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 15, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

It’s been over seven years since I came out to my mom the first time but I feel like I went through the stress of coming out for nothing.

Noticed I said that I came out “the first time”? We talked about it that day and briefly afterwards, but it’s now as though that conversation never happened. I feel as though I’m constantly coming out to her, or even that I’m still closeted. I understand that it can be hard to adjust to a child coming out, and it’s been easy to ignore because I’ve only had relationships with men since, but she rarely acknowledges that I ever said anything about liking women.

About two years after coming out, when I mentioned some sort of support meeting (it might have been PFLAG) her response was, “I thought we were done with this.” When finding my book of pin-up models, she asked why I had it. Seven years is a long time to keep fighting for recognition, never mind the times I don’t make a comment because I don’t feel like I’m “out enough” to say it.

Is there anything I can do so that I don’t have to keep coming out over and over again? I don’t want to have gone through all of that only to still feel closeted.

-Luna

You want your mom to accept you for what you are and not expect you to change at some point. In order to keep your sanity, you have to do that for her.

Accept that she can’t handle your bisexuality, doesn’t want to talk about it, and will go so far as to push you into engaging in her preferred reality for you. This is who she is now, maybe forever. I don’t know whether you ever had a relationship with her in which you could openly talk about who you’re dating, but you need to come to grips with the fact that you don’t now. In this way, you can protect yourself from the utter exhaustion of constant contention. (Meanwhile, be sure to join/build a community with bisexuals and allies with whom you can share your entire self.)

At the same time, answer her directly when she prods you. “Where are you volunteering on Sunday?” gets “A PFLAG meeting.” “Why is this pin-up book here?” gets “Why wouldn’t it be?” “I thought we were done with this” gets “I will never be ‘done’ with being bisexual.” You’ll feel better about yourself if you don’t actively enable her to “forget” that you’re bisexual. She’ll learn pretty quickly that if she goes digging for it, she’ll strike gold every time.

Likewise, if she notices that there’s some distance between you two and asks about it, tell her directly that she seems uncomfortable talking about your activities having to do with bisexuality (or sexual identity, or dating in general, etc. – wherever you choose to draw the line), so you don’t talk about them anymore. It should become clear to her that her attempts to police your sexuality only serve to limit your shared relationship.

It’s critical, though, that you don’t do any of this in the hopes of forcing her hand. Do not anticipate your mom giving you the relationship you want with her. If you don’t want her to prompt you to change, you owe her the same respect. The goal of setting these boundaries should be to keep your self-esteem intact as a bisexual person. I applaud your patience, Luna, and hope you know that the worldwide family of Wild Deuces will always recognize you as one of our pack.

In honor of the above-described Bisexual Groundhog Day Effect, I present to you “Round and Round.” (Yes, of course a bisexual advice column is featuring the video of the greatest hit from ’80s hair band, Ratt.) Please enjoy a cameo appearance by heterosexual drag queen, Milton Berle.

In other news, this Buzzfeed is the second best thing on the internet this month, the first being the weather reports.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 12, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Sending all my love to the Wild Deuces who caught Bilicious Boston on one of the TWO nights we had it this past weekend. Never forget that bisexuals are everywhere!

Dear Tiggy,

My best friend recently came out as bisexual to me. His sexuality doesn’t make any difference to me and I was very supportive of him since he hasn’t told anyone else.

I would like to give him some sound advice on how to tell his parents because his mother is very…I don’t think “homophobic” is the right word, but she’s not as tolerant as he would like and he’s afraid to tell her.

I suggested perhaps mentioning that I myself am bisexual and seeing how she reacted to that news in order to gauge how she feels about it in general. But I would love to be able to help him out more. He’s my best friend in the whole world and I’m so glad he felt that he could tell me something so personal.

He’s been feeling depressed lately and I’m afraid that’s why. He can’t be honest with the main people in his life.

Any advice?

-Chloe

I’m sure it kills you to see him so down and you want to do whatever it takes to make him happy again, but I don’t think you appreciate what a lifeline you’re already providing to him. You’re a main person in his life and he can be honest with you. How great is that?!

If you’ve ever been to Bilicious, you know that there’s a question and answer period with the performers at the end. At our last show, an audience member asked about how she might come out to her parents. Michael replied that he came out to his father by slipping it into conversation at a family barbecue. He had mentioned his involvement with the Bisexual Resource Center and his father said, “So, what are you, the token straight guy?” And Michael responded, “No, I’m bisexual, hey, can you pass the ketchup, Mom, is there going to be corn on the cob?” Karin suggested that the audience member put a positive spin on it. She broached the topic with her own mother like so: “I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationships with people lately and I’ve discovered a really cool new thing about myself. I’m excited about it and I want to share it with you.”

As you can see, there are various ways to come out and each one is very specific to the parental relationship at hand. That’s why I think you should back away from telling your friend how (and when — does he even want to come out right now?) to tell his mother. It might not be emotionally safe for him to do this now, or with her, or before he does something else, etc. Let him navigate his own path.

I do see where you were going with the “Tell her I’m bi” plan, and there is a certain logic to it, but I don’t think it’s going to be effective. Some parents are OK with everyone being bi…except their own kid. Other parents thoughtlessly rattle off bigoted statements until their kid is personally involved, at which point they realize that their love for their child trumps all of that stuff they thought they believed.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Try to support his choices as he goes through this process. Listen to him. If you’re not sure what to say, ask questions about how he feels so you can listen some more. Listening feels like it’s passive but it makes a tremendous difference. And like I told the Golden Girls, thank you for being a friend, Chloe. It gets better for people like him because of friends like you.

 
It’s about time I pulled this one out.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 29, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I came out as a lesbian to my family and friends four years ago when I was 19. I’ve been thinking that I might be bi for the past few years. I am considering telling my close family and friends but I don’t know how to bring it up or what to say.

-39 Specks

I wish someone would fund the research necessary to determine how many bisexuals first identified (or are in the closet) as lesbian or gay. The fact that it’s very likely equal to the number of those who are “bi now, gay later” – oh, so clever! – might actually quash the insulting rumor of the latter’s prevalence once and for all.

Well, a Wild Deuce can dream.

The experience of many people who have been through this is that if your family and friends didn’t care the first time you came out, they won’t care this time either. That said, you might want to wait until there’s something tangible to tell. Specifically, you might hold off until you have a date with a man. (Don’t wait until you’re ready to bring said male home to meet your parents, though.) That’s the kind of thing you can drop into conversation, like so:

Mom: “What are you up to this weekend?”
You: “I have a date on Saturday. We’re going to the movies.”
Mom: “Oh, where did you meet her?”
You: “Actually, it’s a ‘him.’ I’m still interested in dating women but now I’m finding that I’m interested in dating men, too.”

That’s it. Don’t over-explain. Answer questions as simply as you can when they come up. Essentially, there needs to be little fanfare this time around coming out.

With queer friends, you might be able to naturally introduce this fun new fact about yourself into the convo without the male-date prerequisite. If the topic of how one “identifies” comes up, you can offer, “I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I might start to identify as bisexual.” But please be warned: most people who go through this say that if someone is going to take this badly, it will be a gay or lesbian friend. That’s why you’ll want to start to develop a support system of fellow bisexuals to assure you that our community is here for you as you discover your sexuality. Now’s a good time to check the BiNet map to see where the nearest bi group is.

And if I might make a final request, please, whatever you do, don’t say you’re confused. In fact, Tiggy is hereby declaring a moratorium on calling your bisexual self or some other bisexual “confused.” It’s in every other letter I receive and I’ve had it up to my pink bangs with that word. Virtually none of you are truly confused, you’ve just been brainwashed by society to make this dig against yourself. This is the very definition of internalized biphobia. The majority is really playing you when they’ve got you slinging mud on yourself.

If you’re engaging in any level of scholarship, processing new information and theories, do you consider yourself “confused”? When you’re traveling and exploring a new country, do you write back home to tell everyone how “confused” you are? As you experiment with personal styles, with hobbies, with recreational drugs, are you “confused”?

OK, then.

Personally, I’m much more inclined to call someone who has never once explored any aspect of their sexuality “complacently ignorant” than to call a questioning or bisexual person “confused.” Please remember: when you classify yourself as confused due to either your sexual fluidity or the act of exploring your sexuality, you’re not just denigrating yourself. You’re smearing an entire, sizable community. So enough with the “confused” already, lovebugs. You’re better than that.

 
In honor of 39 Specks’s second coming out, here’s Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 23, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter has informed my wife and me that she is bisexual. I am very supportive and accepting of her decision. However, she wants to “come out” on her Facebook page. I am curious if that is really the way to do it. I think she should tell her “true” friends and family, as I don’t really feel it matters what the rest of the world thinks. I guess I don’t really understand the Facebook thing when it comes to personal information because you’re not just telling people who are your friends, you’re telling the whole world. Maybe I’m just old fashioned?

-Steve

First and foremost, a big ol’ virtual high-five to you for being a supportive and accepting parent. It’s going to make it so much easier for your daughter to grow up happy and healthy, and she’s lucky to have you.

The thing you need to know about Facebook in this situation is what your daughter’s privacy settings are. Can the whole world really see her page or just the people she “friends”? (Pro-tip: “Friend” is now a verb.) Pretty much everyone I know has their settings on the latter, and that’s especially important for a teenager. In fact, I would recommend that her privacy settings allow only people who are her Facebook friends to message her, and then make sure she understands that she should only friend people she knows in real life. Facebook is for keeping in touch with people you know, not for meeting new people.

Now that that’s sorted, I think we can agree that if she announces this news on Facebook, she really will be telling people who are her friends and family. And yet, I’ll bet you’re still a bit uncomfortable about it, huh? I absolutely believe that you’re supportive of her sexual identity but…well, let me turn your logic around on you for a sec: if it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks, then why not announce it?

Gotcha there, Steve.

When you come out, it’s scary to do so with the people you love the most because you’re emotionally invested in the fallout. But with everyone else – distant cousins, loose acquaintances, and so forth – it’s more of a hassle than nerve-wracking. It’s enormously fulfilling to be out but it’s just so tedious and time-consuming to have to tell every single person in your life. For bisexuals, it’s that much harder because even if we date someone of the same gender, folks tend to figure that we’re homosexual. Bisexuality is never the default assumption, so we’re stuck coming out constantly.

In the olden days, you would tell a couple of gossipy friends and they would mercifully spread the word for you. But the 21st century has come up with a more efficient method: just post the darned thing on Facebook and be done with it. What a relief that your daughter no longer has to canvass door-to-door making sure everyone has heard – she can just hit up Zuckerberg’s electronic town crier. She might not even post an announcement, opting instead to check off “Women” and “Men” under Interested In in the Basic Information section.

What I’m saying is, I think this is going to be more subtle than you’re imagining. Ask her to let you know when and how she announces it on Facebook, and keep an eye on the initial reaction. I suspect her revelation will be received with neither a bang nor a whimper, but the simple, quiet validation of many Likes.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 30, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Today, Tiggy brings sage advice to three Wild Deuces with three little words…

Dear Tiggy,

My girlfriend and I are bi. We’re in college and are partners in thesis. Recently, we talk less and it seems like she is avoiding me. When I ask her if she’s okay, if there is a problem, or if her mother already knows about us, she gets irritated and doesn’t answer the question.

Two days ago, she deleted her relationship status with me in Facebook. I did forget our two-month anniversary but I don’t think that’s why. I have a feeling she still loves me since she hasn’t returned the drawing tablet I gave her as a gift. I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss her.

-Pear Tree

Three words: Talk to her! You’re in a relationship and you deserve the respect of an honest conversation. If she confirms that she wants to break up, it will sting but I suspect you’ll be relieved to at least know where you stand.

 

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a while and I’ve decided that I’m bi. I don’t want to come out to my friends and classmates yet because some of my best friends are not fond of the idea, and I don’t want them to treat me differently.

The problem is, I absolutely NEED to tell someone. (I want to tell my aunt because I love her more than anyone.) I don’t know how to do it or what I should even say.

-Abbey

Three words: Tell your aunt. (I can almost feel the weight being lifted off of your shoulders already!) The BRC’s webpage on “Coming Out as Bisexual” in its Youth section gives great information and the video shows some examples of how other kids have done it. There are some excellent accounts in the book Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well, particularly in the second chapter. I think you’ll find that most people either write a letter or blurt it out; in your case, I recommend the latter, but you can practice what you’ll say beforehand. Find a time when you and your aunt are hanging out alone and go for it.

Three tips: 1.) Do tell you aunt what being bisexual means to you. 2.) Don’t tell your aunt that you think “everyone is bisexual.” Speak on behalf of your own feelings. 3.) Your aunt may be wary of keeping this secret from your parents. You can assure her that you’re not in any danger and that you appreciate knowing that you can confide in a trusted adult.


Good luck, Abbey!


 

Dear Tiggy,

I am 23 and realized that I was bisexual/pansexual/queer a couple of years ago, based solely upon analysis of my inner feelings of attraction and interest. While I understand that this is enough to allow me to label myself as I wish, I feel a deep insecurity about this identity. As I have only kissed a few girls but have been in long-term relationships with several guys, the questions of other people make me feel that I need to act upon my feelings in order to validate them.

However, there are a few extra complications getting in the way of my exploration. I am in a long-distance relationship with a guy. Despite our choice of monogamy, he has specifically permitted me to explore my sexuality – not because he considers female-female relationships as less valid, or receives a voyeuristic pleasure from them, but because he wants me to be happy.

I am rather asocial, so the only way that I would meet someone would probably be by going to a gay bar, in which intentions and orientations are clearer than elsewhere. Alas, in such a place, it would be difficult to explain my situation properly, and I think that most potential partners would be turned off by a) my relationship status and b) my lady-sex virginity.

 Also, I am sex positive in theory, but have a lot of insecurities in practice; hence, getting together with a stranger when I have no idea what I’m doing is extremely intimidating.

 Finally, I am extremely nervous about perpetuating stereotypes about bisexuality in the lesbian community by being a woman in a relationship with a man, interested solely in a physical encounter with a woman.

How do I approach this situation? Do I lie/avoid talking about my situation (difficult, because I am honest to a fault and it seems unfair to the other person)? Do I hope that I can stumble upon the rare woman who would be willing to be my guinea pig, so to speak?

-M.

Three words: Find partners online. On OKCupid, for example, you can explain your situation in your profile so people who are not interested in participating can just keep moving. And trust me, you are not nearly the first person on OKCupid in these circumstances.

As for getting together with someone to have sex, no one knows what they’re doing and everyone’s nervous. You know that. If you’re so freaked out that you can’t do it, then you need to come to terms with your insecurity about being bisexual on your own. Regarding the last part, common stereotypes aren’t your problem. You’re not saying every bisexual wants or does this, and you’re allowed to make your own choices. Feminists can be stay-at-home mothers, right? Same thing.

What I think will help you is getting out of your own head and trying to see this experience from your potential sex partner’s point of view. Essentially, it’s the opposite of framing them as a “guinea pig” (and, God, please don’t ever say that again). If you find someone in your exact position, focus on the even exchange – and fun! – of being each other’s “first.” For a lady looking for a quick fling, communicate with her at length about what she likes in bed, dim the lights, and give it the ol’ college try. Taking the spotlight off yourself and getting into the giving spirit should shake off those nerves a bit and provide you with a little direction.

You got this, M. Log in and git down.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 16, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have almost always liked boys up until this point. I felt some interest in girls before, but I thought it was just curiosity, or just normal for any straight girl. But recently I have fallen — hard — for a girl I know.

 The hardest part about this is the fact that I and my family are (non-denominational) Christian. I still believe in God, but I don’t know how to reconcile my possible bisexuality and my faith.

-First Timer in NC

First Timer, I could tell you that the Bible is up to interpretation, and that the church leaders who interpret it are simple humans with their own agendas. I could argue that only Biblical scholars who read the book in its original language can even come close to understanding it. I could explain, as this book does, that queerness as we know it is a modern concept, which is why there is literally no mention of it in the Bible.

But I suspect that you’re not really afraid of going to hell. I think you’re afraid of your Christian family rejecting you.

If you want to prepare to dismantle your family’s arguments against bisexuality, you can read Hate Thy Neighbor by Linda J. Patterson. But be forewarned: perspectives not based in logic are typically not swayed by logic. The good news (well, besides the Good News — heh) is that beliefs borne of emotion are most vulnerable to change from emotion, including your family’s love for you. Only a month ago, Ohio Senator Rob Portman announced that he now supports equal marriage because he discovered that his son is gay. Perhaps your family will decide as he did: “Ultimately, it came down to the Bible’s overarching themes of love and compassion and my belief that we are all children of God.”

The president of Dignity, a Boston-based support group for LGBT Catholics, recommends The Good Book by Peter J. Gomes for reconciling Christian faith and being queer. He also suggests building a support network for yourself as you come to terms with your sexuality; Metropolitan Community Churches are a good place to start.

I sense that you’re young, perhaps beginning to learn that adults are just people, complete with flaws and irrationality. This realization can be disappointing but I hope it also motivates you to reach a greater level of self-conduct. It’s not as easy as growing up and not hating queer people (although that’s nice). A true departure from a fearful and ignorant mindset is becoming an intellectually curious adult, one who is not afraid to admit that she doesn’t know something, like what God feels about certain issues or what happens after we die. I hope you aspire to be someone who isn’t threatened by the idea that she might be wrong, and won’t feel like the bottom dropped out of her world if it turns out she is. It is, of course, entirely possible to achieve this while following Christianity, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 19, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a bi woman currently dating a man who I love. We’ve been together for two years and we’re talking about getting married. I don’t feel ready yet though because I never thought I’d marry a man. I always pictured myself marrying a woman. (I live in Canada where that’s possible.) Now that I’m dating a man so seriously, I’m having a couple of problems…

A) I find it harder to come out because there are even more assumptions that I’m straight.



B) People in the queer community think I’m straight until I bluntly tell them I’m bisexual. It’s annoying to have to educate even my own community.



C). I am having a really hard time meeting other bi or lesbian women. It seems most women my age are getting married and having children and don’t have time to join LGBTQ social groups. I deeply miss the company of other gay women.



D) The thought of “passing” as heterosexual for the rest of my life bugs the crap out of me, but how loudly must I declare my sexuality, and how often? I’m also afraid this problem will worsen if I marry my boyfriend.



E) I haven’t had many opportunities to date women. I feel isolated and like I’ve “failed” in my life’s mission because of this. At least if I’d done a bit of serious dating of other women (and this was NOT for lack of trying), I’d be able to say, “Well, I’ve done this and now I can decide if it’s okay for me to marry a man because I’ve had the opportunity to have good relationships with women, too.”



F) The support of my heteronormative relationship with my boyfriend is more comfortable than the difficulty of trying to play a male role and then forgetting that I need support too (which happens to me with women). But still I know I’m missing out on that side of myself, which I feel needs development

G) I feel like I need to “make up my mind” about whether or not I’m going to marry my boyfriend. I’m worried that doing nothing (my current strategy) will inevitably result in us getting closer and closer until I decide I love him so much I’m going to marry him. But then I will never have the opportunity to marry a woman, it will be done. But I don’t want to leave him either. But not leaving him leads to the path of marrying him if I take that forward to its logical conclusion. I’m sure you see the debate.



H) My boyfriend thinks being poly will solve all of this. He is A-OK with me dating women with or without his involvement. But I have had trouble finding poly women to date. I’m afraid I won’t find someone and then I’ll be in a relationship which is monogamous and heterosexual, which I won’t like.



I) Even if I find a woman to date while being married to my boyfriend, I’ll still be missing out on having a primary relationship with a woman and marrying a woman.



J) I would only tell close friends about my girlfriend, which would still leave me feeling the total lack of social recognition for my love of women, and for my relationship with any future girlfriend.







Why is our society so against polyamory? Because if it weren’t and everyone was accepting and awesome, I might not have this debate. Oh, and you’re awesome.

-Mary

I appreciate that you think I’m awesome and hope that you would continue to think so even if, say, hypothetically, I have to be harsh on you for your own good. (Wow, foreboding sucks. That opening sentence was like starting off with, “No offense but…” Probably I should have just said, “Brace yourself, Mary.”) Being awesome appears to come easily to some but, not unlike Bleeker in Juno, I try really hard, actually.

OK, brace yourself, Mary (yeah, now, see? That was better):

A.) & D.) Read this. BONUS: you are not alone! Not even a little!

B.) Yes, even queers can be heterosexist. It is annoying to have to school people. We all have a cross to bear.


C.) The Boston bi women’s community has found a lot of success in holding monthly potluck brunches. Folks come for various reasons but there are a fair amount of bi women in monogamous relationships with men who use the brunches as their queer female oasis. Contact the Boston Bisexual Women’s Network (BBWN) for tips on how you can replicate the model in your area.

E.) So as you’re figuring out how to fulfill your desires in an optimal manner, keep in mind that breaking it off with your boyfriend solely to pursue a relationship with a woman may result in no relationship at all, despite your best efforts.

F.) Please read what you wrote for “F” over and over until you realize that this is not a problem.

G.) “I’m worried [that we will get] closer and closer until I decide I love him so much I’m going to marry him.” I can’t imagine how you go on with this terrifying reality on the horizon. See above.

H.) Start a gratitude journal. This will develop your skills in identifying things that are not problems but, in contrast, super-fantastic, like landing a partner who is supportive of a poly lifestyle that will likely facilitate fulfilling certain desires.

I.) Perfect segue to introduce my favorite life lesson: Being an adult is about Shitty Choice A versus Shitty Choice B. Or, the Mary version: Pretty Excellent Choice A versus Still Really Good Choice B.

J.) This might be a real problem but if it is, it’s of your own making (because in this scenario, you’re choosing not to be out to all of “society”). Which means you can solve it whenever you want. Good attempt at having a problem, though.

Mary, you’re asking how you can have the whole smorgasbord of relationship experiences, even the ones that are mutually exclusive. You can’t. Life doesn’t often allow you the option of “all of the above.” And every choice you make will have cons to go with its pros.

My practical advice is to stick with what sounds like a terrific boyfriend. You love each other, he’s open to polyamory, and leaving him does not guarantee that you’ll find a fitting female partner. More to the point: does breaking up with a loving partner just to fulfill some personal gender scorecard sound stupid? Maybe because…it is?

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 5, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, you won’t believe it: someone did my job for me this bi-week! Read on while I fix myself a shot of elixir and kick my Irregular Choices up onto the ottoman.

Dear Tiggy,

How can you really know that you’re bisexual? I’m 16 and female and, at the moment, I’m honestly confused as hell.

This happened really suddenly. In fact, last week I wasn’t even questioning my sexuality. I thought I was more or less straight. I had my doubts here and there but then, BAM, I suddenly felt sexually attracted to girls. It wasn’t a gradual attraction, it was as abrupt as they come. And when I say attraction, I mean already thinking about sex, dating, marriage, adoption, the whole shebang.

I’m not at all upset with what I’m feeling. I had an uncle who was gay and I’m extremely close to my godfather and his husband. It’s safe to say that I live in an incredibly supportive environment and acceptance on my mother’s part isn’t anything I’m worried about. I’m just incredibly confused as to what my feelings are telling me.

Am I straight and is my brain somehow “experimenting” with my sexuality or could I be, in fact, bisexual? At some point this week, I’d already suspected that I am bi but there’s always a nagging doubt in the back of my head.

-Cadmium

I set about with an answer, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but Cadmium’s answer from between her own ears…

Dear Tiggy,

Hi. Uh, this is awkward. I actually just wanted to tell you that I did realize that I am bisexual.

I was reading your previous replies to people’s questions, and one of your previous answers was right: no one else can tell me what orientation I am. I actually came out to my mother a couple of weeks ago, and what was surprising was that she already knew. Apparently trying to find the R-rated French films she hid last year had given it away. She was happy – actually, really happy – that I had summoned up the nerve to tell her.

I just wanted to say that you don’t need to answer the question I submitted a few weeks back. I’m recommending your column to a friend that needs it at the moment. Thanks, Tiggy!

-Cadmium

Splendid. What have we learned here?

1.) If I wait long enough, you’ll answer your own questions. Not only will this free up my schedule, but incidentally, I think I’ve stumbled upon the philosophy behind Comcast’s customer service.

This is a thrill. I feel like I’ve potty-trained you, Deuces.

2.) Peruse the old columns or do a search (in the search bar on the right. No, not there, under my face. Yes, that’s it) on your queer query to see if I’ve already answered it. Don’t make me repeat myself and more importantly, I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.

3.) Tell your friends to read up on Tiggy and the rest of the BRC site. How will they ever realize what infectious, good-sex-us, silver Lexus, git-outta-Texas bisexuals they are if you don’t point them in the right direction?

4.) If you want to stay in the closet, that’s fine, but then don’t run around asking where your pile of R-rated French flicks went. You might as well drape yourself in a pink, blue, and purple flag with a headshot of Robyn Ochs taped to your face.

“People? People, I have an announcement! I cannot seem to find my well-worn Amelie DVD. Does anyone know where it is?”

“Oh, real subtle, Howard. We get it, you’re bisexual, Jesus.”

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 8, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Before we begin, I have a suggestion for Angel in the last column: try having your girlfriend wear a strap-on when you have sex. Give it a whirl –- it could be a lot of fun! (Why didn’t I think of this two weeks ago when you wrote in? I swear, Tiggy would lose her head if it wasn’t strapped on.)

Dear Tiggy,

I am an 18 year old female and am bisexual. About six months ago, I started dating my amazing girlfriend. She is perfect. She is so nice to me – we write each other poems all the time and we love each other for who we are. If I’m ever upset or sad, she just cuddles with me and I am there for her as well. We have just as much fun sitting and talking or watching TV as when we are making out or having sex. She says I understand her more than anybody. We decided to stay together when I went to college and are still going strong. We are so comfortable around each other and we trust each other with our lives; it really is a fairytale relationship.

Except the part that isn’t a fairytale relationship. First of all, I am not out to anyone and neither is she. We are both bi and like men as well, but we both have never told anyone about our interest in females. Second, she is 12 years my senior, meaning she is 30 while I am 18. Third, she used to be my vocal coach. She was not a teacher at school but an instructor who I took private lessons with.

While we don’t care about these things when it comes to just us, we both want to reach the point where we can come out, proudly hold hands in public, and tell people that we are dating. Right now, we keep it a secret and since she is my best friend, nobody ever questions us hanging out alone together. I’m very worried mostly because I really, really love her…but I am also close with my family. While they might someday accept that I am bi, I don’t know if they could ever accept her as my partner specifically, especially when they were the ones paying for my voice lessons.

We never did anything other than sing during my lessons but it looks like she took advantage of me. That couldn’t be further from the truth: I made most of the first advances and neither of us took advantage of the situation. We just really love each other. My problem is that I have no idea how to make other people understand that.

-Scared and in Love

It’s good that you recognize that it looks like she might be taking advantage of you. Unfortunately, between your “perfect” this and “fairytale” that and poems and cuddles and unicorns crapping sparkly rainbows, you’re otherwise showing very little perspective because you’re butt-crazy in love.

The distance between 18 and 30 in terms of life experience, shared interests, and maturity is huge. Huge. Not all love affairs with a power differential are borne of manipulation or suffer from internal exploitation but some are and do. This is what your family and friends will be worried about when you tell them, and while you might think they don’t get it because they’re not in your relationship, you also have to accept that they could be more objective for the same reason.

Please recognize the potential for a person in her position to control your relationship, and even the likelihood that that’s her aim (conscious or not) given that she chose to be in that position.

Here are the biggest concerns:

  • This sounds like it started when you were a minor.
  • She crossed a professional line.
  • You’re in the closet, which makes you more vulnerable.

Here are some questions for you to ponder:

  • Why isn’t she dating women closer to her own age? (Don’t automatically reach for, “We didn’t mean to fall in love. We like each other as people regardless of age.” It’s seldom that random. Look harder.)
  • Why did she choose to date her student?
  • Has she ever dated someone over whom she had “power” (e.g. age, status) before? Is this a pattern for her?

Honestly, I don’t mean to make your girlfriend out to be some kind of villain. I feel bad about raining on your love parade and I’m not dogging May-December romances in general. But it’s prudent for you to consider the tough possibilities with clear eyes in order to truly know whether yours is a healthy relationship. You say you want to “make people understand” that this is love; to do that, you first need to take their perspective on why it might be something a bit different.

Since the most worrisome element here is the secrecy, the best thing you and your girlfriend can do is tell your friends and family about your relationship. Show everyone your love, let the world in on it. Live openly and start hanging out together with other people – go to the mall together with your friends, have dinner together with your family. If you and she operate entirely above board, it will be difficult for anyone to make the case that there’s something shady about it.

I hope your girl wants to proudly hold hands in public as much as you do, Scared & In Love. Your family will probably have a hard time with this information at first, but there’s only one way to be out, and that’s just to go for it.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.