choice

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bisexual in a very feminine body. I have, for some time now, privately identified as “genderqueer” as I really do not feel like a woman, but I’m not really a guy either. I also identify as a top, not in terms of dominance but just in terms of being a giving partner vs. a receiving partner.

I have a broad range of attractions and of late, I have been seeing a lot of straight guys, which is partly a function of living in a small town. It is getting to the point with one where this issue should probably come up. My question for you is how I can best explain this subject without sending a straight guy running, or without causing him to fear that I may physically change genders at some point in the future? Are there good resources that address this issue?

-Tops Up

Sad fact: there are not many resources specific to genderqueers who are not transsexual. You might enjoy following Genderfork or get some info from Genderqueer Australia. There are also groups in larger cities, like Genderqueer Chicago, and a smattering of Meetups but overall, there remain precious few supplies of assistance for this vivid and varied crew. I pray that a slew of genderqueer angels will heed the desperate bleating for such resources and create a rush of websites, blogs, and articles for their people. Tops Up, you may be one of these heroes that your fellow genderqueers dream of. If you’re even slightly inclined, I command you to take to the keyboard post haste (makeshift mask and pillowcase cape optional)!

Until then, you have a question, and it’s one that so many share. Regardless of the failings of society at large for providing advice in this particular area, Tiggy can answer you. Of course she can answer you. Always bet on Upland.

I turned to my pal, J, a genderqueer genius, for their* experience with this exact dilemma. Most of it, says J, boils down to accepting yourself. No sexual partner, no matter how kind and open, will get you to be comfortable authentically expressing yourself until you accept that it’s OK to not choose a gender. You’re battling against every single thing thrown at you in life that says it’s not right to be neither male nor female, nor headed in the direction of either. But you’re not in this fight alone, not nearly. You can do this.

J concedes that even for people without a lick of shame surrounding their genderqueeritude, it can be exasperating to repeatedly slog through this dating scenario. In essence, J began to feel that having sex with straight guys felt probably like when a homosexual person who is not out to themselves has sex with someone of the opposite sex: the sex was perhaps exuberant but tender, their partner was both generous and considerate, good ol’ Tab A went into handy Slot B…but something was just off about the whole thing and they can’t quite put their finger on what.

J tells an anecdote about having a sexual experience with someone and suddenly realizing that this person saw J as a woman. J stepped back to wonder, “Is it OK that I need them to interact with me in the manner that I want, i.e. not acting toward me like, or even thinking that, I am a woman?” They ultimately decided that yes, it was. And it’s OK for you, too. It’s OK for you to need that and not accept less. J feels extremely distressed when regarded as a woman in bed; if you feel the same way, please know that your feelings are perfectly valid.

Although this might not be the answer for you, J solved their dilemma by not dating straight guys anymore. They did not want to restrict themselves to dating partners who restricted themselves to dating women. Whether you choose that route or not, both J and I want you to start telling your truth to the people in your life. We think you’ll be amazed at the results.

*J prefers the pronouns “they,” “their,” and “theirs.”

Actually, Black Sheep, you don’t have to get with this or that.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve known I’m bi for pretty much forever, but did not come out until I was 18. I’m now 21 and looking for a life — or at least long-term, committed — partner. My parents are very accepting, with one catch…

My mom thinks that in being bi, you can choose whether to pursue your life with a man or woman –- not fall in love but choose, among those you love, which one to marry and spend your life with. And she thinks, given all the discrimination same-sex couples face, that I should choose a man. This, she says, is for my own sake as well as my future children’s.

Obviously, I disagree with her but I can’t articulate it well despite my repeated efforts. When she says this, I feel such a pressure to only pursue men but I have a definite preference for women. My resistance to pursuing men now has me questioning my orientation I’ve already switched my label to “queer” instead of “bi.” Advice?

-Inarticulate

Your mom reminds me a bit of this mom, in that they both just want their daughters to have the easiest lives possible. Good parents typically –- and irrationally –- want to eliminate every potential obstacle from their kids’ lives. Moms: they worry.

She might also be putting some of her own stuff on you. (I think sometimes we don’t realize that our parents are humans and have their own thoughts and feelings that they occasionally project onto others.) Maybe she married your dad because it was a rational choice but then ended up loving the hell out of him, and wants you to have that experience, too.

Maybe it’s the opposite and, in pure “Mom” form, she doesn’t want you to make the mistake she did. Maybe she was so smokin’ hot that she got to pick any spouse she wanted from a veritable smorgasbord of suitors, and assumes you will as well.

But you’re not her. You’re not even an extension of her. You’re you, and if you’re old enough to look for a committed partner, you’re old enough to do it without having your mommy tell you how.

The next time it comes up, recite this from memory: “Mom, I’m going to date whoever I’m interested in, regardless of gender. Let’s talk about something else.” Explaining it to her isn’t working and it’s making you insecure. Stay away from queer theory convos with her for now.

And, hey, consider slowing your roll. If you’ve announced to her your intention to find a life mate at the tender age of 21, you might have thrown her into a panic of thinking this is her only chance help you make the right choice. I’d suggest approaching dating a bit more casually, at least when you’re talking to your mom.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 20, 2013

July 24, 2012