Wild Deuces, this recent post on Gawker about a guy whose dad found out he’s gay via his blog is making me think twice about my answer to this questioner. Is it OK not to come out to a parent when you’ve come out to the rest of your family, or is it ultimately hurtful? Join the BRC’s Facebook page and tell me what you think.
And oh my gosh, was Bilicious fun. Loved seeing you, Lovelies.
Dear Tiggy,
I’m 12 years old, so really my whole sexuality is up in the air. People say I shouldn’t even know who I’m attracted to yet but I know. I’ve liked boys and I’ve liked girls, and I am proud to say that I am probably bisexual. However, I feel like I am way too young to come out, or even tell more than one or two people.
That’s why it’s hard for me to stand up for LGBT rights, defend LGBT people, and stop others from using the word “gay” as an insult. My peers label anyone who stands up for that as gay. I don’t want everybody to know about me, not now anyway. Any advice?
-Amanda
Isn’t it strange how we have an easier time standing up for others than for ourselves? I think it’s more than just not wanting to come out prematurely. When we stand up for our own community, it seems like we’re only doing it out of self-interest but when an ally takes a stand, the objectivity somehow legitimizes her plea for respecting a class of people as human beings. (As if a request for basic human respect is “legitimate” based on who does the asking. Dang, people are weird.)
In any case, you should not feel pressured to come out until you’re good and ready. In dealing with knuckleheads accusing you of queeritude solely to undermine your fight against homo/biphobia, you have a few options.
1.) Tell them your cousin is bi, your mom’s best friend is a lesbian, etc. Then you’ll be in the “ally” role, which feels safer. Please note that this only works if it’s true. If people find out that you’ve concocted a gay uncle from thin air, you’re really going to look suspicious.
2.) Emphatically agree with your accusers. “Yes, I am a lesbian! I do it with every girl I know!” It’ll take the wind out of their sails like nothing else. There’s no sting to evilly-intended words that you welcome with open arms, even if everyone around you knows you’re not sincere about it. This method is a junior version of “reclaiming a word,” which is something that activists do on the regular.
3.) Address it with your closest friends individually, and work your way up to dealing with it as a united front. If someone in your group starts trashing LGBTs, wait until you’re alone with a compassionate friend and say, “I wish she wouldn’t say that, don’t you? There’s nothing wrong with gay people.” Over time, bring it up in a similar way with one or two other friends who might agree. The next time the bashing happens in a group, you can silently give these friends a look like, “Oh no, not this again.” Eventually, I believe one of you will say something and the others can back her up.
Give yourself a break, though, Amanda. Group dynamics are really, really hard in middle school. If you do have the guts to stand up against homo/biphobia, please believe that there is at least one secretly queer person in the crowd who will be forever grateful, and many more who are quietly impressed with your character.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.