I am pansexual and possibly polyamorous. My girlfriend of three years, a devout monogamist, wants me to be able to express myself in whatever way I feel necessary.
Despite her total support, I am sexually unhappy in our relationship. She is unable to consider an open relationship and since I haven’t ever really been comfortable with my own sexuality, I haven’t had a chance to let myself experiment with other types of sex. This leads me to a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to provide her with the devotion and monogamy she deserves. I see no solution.
She says that if I truly wish to choose to be intimate with others, she cannot be with me. Throwing away our relationship for sex with strangers feels like the worst betrayal. I have been given an ultimatum to alone decide our future in the next day or two as she can’t wait for me to promise myself to her any longer. We aren’t happy now and aren’t sleeping in the same bed together after living and sleeping together for three years.
It is too painful for me to choose sexual freedom over love and emotional support but my feeling sexually repressed — be it a result of my own insecurities or her unwillingness to let me see other people in a sexual way — has led me to a collapse of libido and emotional stability. How can I choose when I’m so scared and alone?
-Max
The language you’re using to describe this tough situation paints you as the villain when you’re not. In order to get through this dilemma with the least amount of emotional damage to all parties, you need to reframe this story.
Devotion and monogamy are not the same thing. Even after reading your short letter, I have little doubt that you can and do offer devotion to this woman you clearly love. Does she “deserve” monogamy? Well, if so — in that she is a good person and “deserves” to have her desires met — then don’t you deserve polyamory?
When you honestly communicate to your partner a wish to express your sexuality and bravely come to terms with the consequent incompatibility of your relationship, you’re betraying yourself by couching that as “throwing away [your] relationship for sex with strangers.” The reality is that you two are fundamentally unsuited to each other and it’s no one’s fault. Cheating would have been the coward’s way out; you have eschewed that for the high road, so I cannot allow you to self-flagellate. There is nothing bad about wanting to explore your sexuality.
Please put this relationship out of its misery (your misery, her misery) – you both know it’s not working. It’s just not right to use this woman you love as a security blanket while you hold your breath and cross your legs for as long as you can stand it. I am sorry that being without a partner terrifies you but this, too, could use a reframing. You could view singledom as an opportunity to connect with new people and an adventure of self-discovery. Meanwhile, it sounds like you and she have a real mutual affection…is there a chance that you two can go on being friends?
Find a bisexual and/or poly support group in your area so you can feel supported enough to make the leap into being single. Max, don’t let fear and guilt dictate your not-at-all-selfish choices here.
Being poly is tremendous! No shame in being a bird who can’t help but fly. (Check the lyrics for an education…)
And Max, just because you’ll be single doesn’t mean you’ll be all alone.
I am a young woman (24) who just ended a six-year, long-distance, monogamous relationship. I live in a country in Africa and he lives in Europe. My “bi-curiosity” is just one of many important factors which caused me to do it.
Now I am super excited to finally put some of my women fantasies into practice. Before we broke up, I summoned all my courage and went alone one night to a lesbian bar. I chatted to some women, and had a fabulous time dancing. I never planned to cheat on my partner and I didn’t even come close to doing that, but I was so excited and relieved to finally just BE in a space around other bisexual and lesbian women.
However, it also posed a problem: now that I am available to see women, I don’t know how to go about it! I have no bi or lesbian friends, and none of my other close friends (except one, who I hardly ever see) or family even know that I identify as bisexual. I don’t see going alone again as an option; I feel like I need the support of friends around me to help me discover how to hit on a girl I like. But I don’t feel comfortable asking my straight friends to come with me when I myself am so new to and vulnerable in this aspect of myself.
I very recently moved from the liberal and fairly queer-friendly city to the remote countryside where I grew up to start a job here. I want to work and live here, but I am torn about having this newfound freedom to discover my bisexuality and yet having to live with my family around — even sharing a house with a family member — and in a very small and conservative community. I feel like my first forays into practical bisexuality are going to take a lot of courage from me, and attempting it here seems daunting and dangerous. So I’m wondering, should I postpone or reject the job? I haven’t signed anything yet and it is a family business so it should be fairly flexible about possibly taking me on at a later stage instead.
To make things all the more complicated, my ex-partner has suggested that we have an open relationship. He is desperate not to lose me and still loves me dearly. At the first mention of this, I emailed him to share my excitement. I thought it would be a way for us to stay in each other’s lives, keep in contact as the best friends we are, and occasionally visit each other for a lovers holiday. He responded with anger and hurt, saying he couldn’t believe after that after our years together, I would say I was excited to be in an open relationship. He called me selfish and stupid which immediately made me feel depressed and trapped again, and of course not wanting to have any relationship with him. He later emailed back apologising for his outburst, blaming it on his feelings of pain at the situation, which I totally understood, and asking again if we could have an open relationship instead of him losing me. Now I’m not so sure any more.
I am bursting with excitement at getting some “rad advice from an excellent bisexual”!
-Finally Free
To think that an enthusiastic fan across the world is breathlessly awaiting my words of wisdom on how to be a happy bisexual thrills me to my tingling toes! I wish all new bi babes could have your buoyant outlook and a confidence fueled by pure potential energy. Would that I could sail to Libreville tonight and trip the lights fantastic with you in celebrating your exuberance to be yourself!
On the issue of your ex-boyfriend, I think you know what you have to do. He is terribly sad that your relationship has come to an end but the kindest thing to do is not give him hope that you can stay together in any fashion. He has demonstrated that he is not in a proper emotional position for an open relationship. You are “Finally Free” — being available for new love is the core of that. Make a clean break of it with him.
Although it’s great that you have a job and family waiting for you in the country, my first impulse is to tell you to pass it up in favor of queer fun times in the city. It’s easier to find and congregate openly with other bisexual/gay women in an urban area. However, I want to be careful not to denigrate or underestimate the rich and rewarding lives of LGBT people in rural areas. Often, the queer community acts like living in the country is wholly untenable but I think that does a real disservice to our sisters and brothers who have crafted fulfilling communities in somewhat unlikely places. Look at this oral history project, Country Queers, to see just a handful of beautiful, refreshing, true stories of rural-living LGBT folks.
In a 2010 interview, Mary L. Gray, author of Out in the Country: Youth, Media, and Queer Visibility in Rural America, cuts to the difference as follows: “When rural young people identify themselves as queer, they…upend and potentially undo the most important identity they have in their communities: a familiar son or daughter, a local from that town. When Rural America seems to reject queer folks, whether with its voting record or in sound bites from its townspeople, we are witnessing a much deeper tussle over who rural community members feel they can trust and who they feel they can turn to in times of trouble…” Perhaps rural Africans put a high value on familiarity as well but since you grew up there, you certainly have a leg up in that regard.
All that said, I still think you should take this time in your young life to experience being bi in the city. I predict you’ll deeply enjoy the liberty of exploring your identity and meeting many likeminded souls out from under the watchful eye of lifelong elders. You can always return to the country later when you’re beyond the wild oat-sowing that urban life tends to facilitate. By then, you’ll likely have more confidence in your sexual identity as well as the manner in which you want to be out around your family.
Most of my readership is not from Africa so allow me a moment to enlighten them: the continent of Africa is made up of 54 countries and it’s way bigger than you think. I point this out, Finally Free, because it’s hard for me to advise you when I don’t know which specific area you’re from. Americans, it would be like someone wanting to know how to bisexual,* if you will, without revealing whether they are from Massachusetts or Kentucky…only more so. The laws, culture, and resources vary signNIFicantly.
So for a more informed view on African life, let’s turn to award-winning Nigerian writer and afrofeminist social commentator Spectra Speaks. Her eponymous blog, www.spectraspeaks.com, is a digital media platform shifting conversations from the political to the personal through the lens of love, empathy, and media. She is the founder and executive editor of Queer Women of Color Media Wire (QWOC), a media advocacy organization that amplifies the voices of queer-identified diaspora around the world. Before we get into what her specific advice is for you, I want to mention a few things about Spectra: 1.) the Bisexual Resource Center gave QWOC a “Bi Ally Award”; 2.) Spectra’s mantra is “Love is my revolution”; and 3.) she wrote this two weeks ago, which tells you why #1 happened, shows how she lives #2, and will restore your faith in the world as a bisexual. Please read it, it’s a revelation of unadulterated compassion.
(Did you read it? Wasn’t it even better than I said?) Here’s what she says about you, Finally Free:
“First, ask for the African country she’s in so you can connect her to resources. It may seem intimidating at first, but it’s one way of meeting friends.
“Second, she should think through the following questions carefully: does she have any friends that she’s really close to who she may consider sharing about her new interest in women? Are these friends that can keep a secret? I’d encourage her to share that she’s interested and perhaps liken it to puberty happening all over again except without any examples of how to ask a girl out! Even if the friend doesn’t come along to the club they can at least be her research partner and someone to talk to as she develops more queer/bi community.
“She should also start following LGBT African bloggers** (ahem!) as meeting others online can be such a relief, affirming, and again a kind of support until she meets others. I’d finally encourage her to focus first on developing friendships. [Regardless of your sexuality, dating] is awkward, challenging, fun, and confusing all at once. It’s so much better with friends.”
I can’t put it any better than that. When Spectra refers to resources, she means queer social groups, support groups, and volunteer opportunities. They’re perfect places to get to know fellow LBT women and say, “Hey, I want to go to a club tonight. Will you be my wing chick?”
I could go on (and on…and on…) but let’s punctuate this column on “wing (chick).” It’s an apt segue to your starting this next chapter of life where you stretch yours and soar.
*Yeah, sure, it’s a verb.
**To start, go to Spectraspeaks.com, scroll down, and look at the column on the right under “Queer Africa.”
My boyfriend of two years just came out to me as bisexual. I’m really confused because we’ve had an excellent sex life for a year and a half. We’ve also had an excellent relationship. It’s the strongest either of us have ever been in.
When he told me of his bisexuality, I told him that I would give him a free pass to try being with a guy. I gave him a few stipulations, like that he can’t have full out sex with him and he has to tell me immediately afterwards what he was thinking and feeling — every possible thing he can think of. I also said I didn’t really want them to be friends because it would make me feel really hurt. He vehemently refused this free pass although I’ve offered it to him three times now.
He wants to marry me and isn’t interested in expressing the attraction he has to men. I don’t know what to think or do! I love him, he loves me, and we are both 100% devoted to each other, but I don’t think I’ll be completely comfortable again in our relationship until I know what he wants. He says he only wants me and no one else.
Please help. I’m falling apart over here. I’m terrified he’ll get bored and leave me because he’ll decide he likes men more. He is my first everything so I feel this incredibly deep emotional attachment to him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.
-Megan
This relaxation exercise should help: become aware of the muscles in your right pinky finger. Relax them until your pinky goes limp. Do the same with your left pinky; both are now loose and free. Repeat with your ring fingers, middle fingers, and index fingers. As you complete the exercise by slackening your thumbs and palms…
…you should be able to unclasp your hands from around your boyfriend’s throat.
Your “free pass” is not free. The price he pays is your getting to set the precise parameters for the sexual activity he is allowed to engage in and the relationship he is allowed to have with his sexual partner after their encounter (i.e. none). And, of course, he must do an exhaustive brain dump for you so that you can Thought Police him.
Your “free pass” is not a pass. It’s an order. It’s not for your boyfriend; he doesn’t want it. It’s for you, so you can convince yourself that he’s gotten it out of his system. You want him to exorcise this demon under tightly controlled conditions so that you can go forward in life without the slightest worry that he’ll ever leave you. You’re projecting your insecurities onto him and then trying to fix them by fixing him. Not only does it not work but it’s also no way to treat a fellow sentient being, much less someone you purport to love.
The bisexuality element of the situation is easy. He doesn’t feel the need to be with other men in the same way that you don’t feel the need to be with other men. Bisexuals are as capable of monogamy as anyone else. He has told you that he does not want to explore that part of his sexuality with someone else; it’s on you that you don’t believe him.
The part you’re playing here is a much larger cause for concern than bisexuality. You’re acting out of fear and ignorance*, and your controlling behavior could be a precursor for abuse. Healthy partners come to terms with the fact that life offers no guarantees and control is almost always an illusion. He may think he wants to marry you but the harsh reality is that you’re not nearly emotionally ready.
The best thing you can do right now is get to a place where you know that if you split up for any reason, you’d be OK. Really, I promise you: you would be OK. He’ll still be your first everything, you will keep a special place for him in your heart forever, but you would eventually move on with your life. I’m not saying this because I think you’re going to break up. I’m saying this because your refusal to believe that you’d survive it is starting to turn you into a monster.
*To address this: scroll up, click on “Back to the BRC website” and read.
Just have sex with a guy, then put on this Christopher Walken headset so I can experience your every thought and feeling about it, and we’ll never have another problem. Easy peasy.
I am a fourth-year, female college student who recently had sex with a woman for the first time a few weeks ago (my first time kissing a girl, too). For the past year-ish, I’ve realized that I’m attracted to women and have been interested in exploring what it’s like to be involved sexually with them. I discovered it’s AMAZING (!) and I’m fond of the girl who I had sex with.
Here’s the catch: I’ve been dating a guy on and off for four years and we got back together about a week ago because we can’t stand being apart. It became emotionally draining and I needed time apart, but we’ve decided to forget about the past and move on. It’s good. I am totally in love with him, he’s crazy about me, and I cannot imagine my life without him (cliche, I know).
But I realized that I don’t really have an interest in having sex with him like I used to. I loved how I felt with the girl I was sleeping with… it’s a totally different experience. It’s not that I’m not sexually attracted to my boyfriend or that I don’t like being intimate with him, it’s just…I don’t think I’m a fan of his man-part being inside me. He’s very loving but it’s just rougher, for lack of a better word, than being with a woman.
So, basically, what does a young woman do who recently discovered how incredible having sex with women is but is also completely in love with a guy?
-Ghirlwind
I don’t doubt that you’re in love with this guy but I suspect it’s star-crossed. Is your relationship both exhilarating and exhausting? Got those high highs and low lows? Do you ever think, “Why does this have to be so complicated all the time?”
Yep. Star-crossed.
Sometimes you can have history, affection, and commitment with someone but you two still can’t get it together as a couple. You keep returning to him because you believe that you belong together, but maybe it isn’t fate; it’s just hope. And if the nature of your relationship has been push-pull for this long, it’s not going to change. You’re on-and-off for a reason.
I’m telling you all this because I think you should break it off with this guy. Give yourself permission to explore this incredible, electrifying new world of women that you’ve discovered without thinking that it means you don’t love this guy. You do love him, you just can’t un-complicate things with him. Sometimes love is like that.
Plus, if you did remain with him instead of dating women, it wouldn’t really work well right now. You don’t want to have P-in-the-V sex with him. As a straight guy, he probably counts little else under attraction and intimacy.
Senior year is a scary time that drives us to cling to the few stable forces left in our lives. But cutting loose from this perpetual knot of a relationship so you can jump into a sexual adventure is going to be way more fun, doncha think? You say you can’t stay away from him, but I bet your new female lovers will find a way to distract you.
Today, Tiggy brings sage advice to three Wild Deuces with three little words…
Dear Tiggy,
My girlfriend and I are bi. We’re in college and are partners in thesis. Recently, we talk less and it seems like she is avoiding me. When I ask her if she’s okay, if there is a problem, or if her mother already knows about us, she gets irritated and doesn’t answer the question.
Two days ago, she deleted her relationship status with me in Facebook. I did forget our two-month anniversary but I don’t think that’s why. I have a feeling she still loves me since she hasn’t returned the drawing tablet I gave her as a gift. I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss her.
-Pear Tree
Three words: Talk to her! You’re in a relationship and you deserve the respect of an honest conversation. If she confirms that she wants to break up, it will sting but I suspect you’ll be relieved to at least know where you stand.
Dear Tiggy,
I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a while and I’ve decided that I’m bi. I don’t want to come out to my friends and classmates yet because some of my best friends are not fond of the idea, and I don’t want them to treat me differently.
The problem is, I absolutely NEED to tell someone. (I want to tell my aunt because I love her more than anyone.) I don’t know how to do it or what I should even say.
-Abbey
Three words: Tell your aunt. (I can almost feel the weight being lifted off of your shoulders already!) The BRC’s webpage on “Coming Out as Bisexual” in its Youth section gives great information and the video shows some examples of how other kids have done it. There are some excellent accounts in the book Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well, particularly in the second chapter. I think you’ll find that most people either write a letter or blurt it out; in your case, I recommend the latter, but you can practice what you’ll say beforehand. Find a time when you and your aunt are hanging out alone and go for it.
Three tips: 1.) Do tell you aunt what being bisexual means to you. 2.) Don’t tell your aunt that you think “everyone is bisexual.” Speak on behalf of your own feelings. 3.) Your aunt may be wary of keeping this secret from your parents. You can assure her that you’re not in any danger and that you appreciate knowing that you can confide in a trusted adult.
Good luck, Abbey!
Dear Tiggy,
I am 23 and realized that I was bisexual/pansexual/queer a couple of years ago, based solely upon analysis of my inner feelings of attraction and interest. While I understand that this is enough to allow me to label myself as I wish, I feel a deep insecurity about this identity. As I have only kissed a few girls but have been in long-term relationships with several guys, the questions of other people make me feel that I need to act upon my feelings in order to validate them.
However, there are a few extra complications getting in the way of my exploration. I am in a long-distance relationship with a guy. Despite our choice of monogamy, he has specifically permitted me to explore my sexuality – not because he considers female-female relationships as less valid, or receives a voyeuristic pleasure from them, but because he wants me to be happy.
I am rather asocial, so the only way that I would meet someone would probably be by going to a gay bar, in which intentions and orientations are clearer than elsewhere. Alas, in such a place, it would be difficult to explain my situation properly, and I think that most potential partners would be turned off by a) my relationship status and b) my lady-sex virginity. Also, I am sex positive in theory, but have a lot of insecurities in practice; hence, getting together with a stranger when I have no idea what I’m doing is extremely intimidating. Finally, I am extremely nervous about perpetuating stereotypes about bisexuality in the lesbian community by being a woman in a relationship with a man, interested solely in a physical encounter with a woman.
How do I approach this situation? Do I lie/avoid talking about my situation (difficult, because I am honest to a fault and it seems unfair to the other person)? Do I hope that I can stumble upon the rare woman who would be willing to be my guinea pig, so to speak?
-M.
Three words: Find partners online. On OKCupid, for example, you can explain your situation in your profile so people who are not interested in participating can just keep moving. And trust me, you are not nearly the first person on OKCupid in these circumstances.
As for getting together with someone to have sex, no one knows what they’re doing and everyone’s nervous. You know that. If you’re so freaked out that you can’t do it, then you need to come to terms with your insecurity about being bisexual on your own. Regarding the last part, common stereotypes aren’t your problem. You’re not saying every bisexual wants or does this, and you’re allowed to make your own choices. Feminists can be stay-at-home mothers, right? Same thing.
What I think will help you is getting out of your own head and trying to see this experience from your potential sex partner’s point of view. Essentially, it’s the opposite of framing them as a “guinea pig” (and, God, please don’t ever say that again). If you find someone in your exact position, focus on the even exchange – and fun! – of being each other’s “first.” For a lady looking for a quick fling, communicate with her at length about what she likes in bed, dim the lights, and give it the ol’ college try. Taking the spotlight off yourself and getting into the giving spirit should shake off those nerves a bit and provide you with a little direction.
Wild Deuces, Tiggy is answering three letters this bi-week because she’s feeling quick and dirty. She’s ruthlessly doling out the tough love, so brace yourselves. This ain’t gonna be pretty.
Hey Tiggy,
I’ve been with a particular man for several years now. Deeply in love, we seem to have faded off into a relationship that used to be VERY unhealthy, but has been gradually getting better, though it’s taken almost two years.
The problem now is that I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m strongly attracted to women. I’m bisexual but I find women more attractive physically. I’ve wanted to have a physical relationship with a woman for a while now, but my other half isn’t open to the idea of bringing another female into the bedroom for a night. I’m hoping these feelings don’t disrupt our relationship, but it’s hard to confine them, and mentioning this would be a death warrant. What to do?
Crossing my fingers with all the luck and hope in the world…
-Crossroads
This previously VERY unhealthy (emphasis yours) relationship has been only gradually improving over two years, you don’t want your feelings to disrupt your relationship (read that over a few times to see what’s wrong there), you’re under the impression that expressing your desires to your boyfriend would be –- your words –- “a death warrant,” and you’re putting all your chips on luck and hope.
Doesn’t it seem like you shouldn’t have to work this hard for a partnership to function? Shouldn’t you have more keeping the two of you together than fear and emotional sunk costs? Crossroads, isn’t it over?
Dear Tiggy,
I’m a 22-year-old female who has always identified as hetero. Over the past few years, however, I’ve enjoyed masturbating to threesome girl-on-girl porn. I am also interested in sleeping with a woman or having a threesome.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, whom I love and am extremely passionate about for four years. I’m really happy in this relationship and I’ve told him about my female fantasies. We’ve agreed to have a threesome, but haven’t found the right girl yet. Who knew it would be so hard?
A little over a month ago, we started talking about marriage. Since then, I’ve been feeling more anxious about my sexuality and fantasies. Though I’ve never actually met a woman I’d like to be with and I’ve never experienced with a woman the same pang of desire that I get when I meet a man I’m attracted to, I’m worried that someday I’m going to wake up married to my awesome man and realize that I want to be with women. Is this crazy? I realize that I want to do this threesome to experience a fun adventure with my boyfriend, but also to explore my sexuality and figure out if there’s more to my fantasies than just sex.
Is it possible to explore same-sex urges while remaining in a committed heterosexual relationship? Am I just scared to get married or is there more to these fantasies that I need to address?
-Bewildered
You’re not ready to get married. Your brain is manically, desperately spelling this out to you in semaphore. Address that with your partner first, and the threesome quandary will sort itself out.
Dear Tiggy,
I had a dream that I made out with a girl and we had a secret relationship. Then I woke up and realized that I enjoyed the dream. Does that make me a bisexual?
I am a woman and have been attracted to women for as long as I can remember, but have never acted on it. I’ve had a few boyfriends, many crushes, but I never felt like I was being totally true to myself. After I finished college last May, I decided to travel because I needed a radical change. With this fresh start, I felt motivated and in touch with myself, including the fact that I am bisexual – in fact, maybe even on the gay side of the Kinsey scale.
I had a few flings in Cuba, which were exciting but not satisfying. On one of my last nights, I met a guy who seemed really sweet. Late that night, he asked me if I felt anything for him, and I didn’t know…so I kissed him, and it was magical! We spent my last four days together and it was some of the happiest times of my life.
I left to continue my journey but he and I kept in touch almost daily through emails. I hooked up with a few guys along the way, but it was purely sex. I felt like I had met the man of my dreams and I had to take advantage of being somewhat single while I could, as I was a late bloomer sexually. I told him about the infidelity because I wanted to be completely honest with him. He was a bit hurt but understood and said we could leave it in the past.
After five months, I went back to him. We talked about being together in the future and the probability of marriage in order to be together. All was glorious but after a while, I got sick. I started worrying, thinking that my physical unease was from the pressure of this relationship. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I am just learning who I am! It turns out that I had a kidney infection, but all the unease led to renewed doubts about my sexuality. He could tell I was changing; things he would do would bother me unnecessarily. We almost broke it off but I couldn’t, it just didn’t seem right. Never seeing him again seemed unfathomable.
I’ve now been back in South America for the last two months. Within a few weeks, I told him about my attraction to women and how I didn’t know what to do. He said he needed me to know what I want because the distance is hard enough. I felt relief being honest with him as well as sadness. I love him and I want to share my life with him in so many ways…but what to do about the sexual part? The sex with him was good but there’s this nagging feeling that I need to try being with women. How could I let so much curiosity go untested?
The question is where to go from here. I am feeling lost and racked with guilt because my curiosity continues, it affects my sleep and my appetite. In the street, I look at men and women and constantly measure my level of attraction, comparing and contrasting. I have the support of friends and family from afar and am only staying here for now due to a great career opportunity. I want to talk to my boyfriend about how I’m feeling, but not over the phone, and I won’t be going back to Cuba for a few months. My mother told me to hook up with a girl first to see how I feel, but I don’t want to be unfaithful again.
I really don’t want to lose him and couldn’t bear to hurt him. I can imagine a future with him, children even…but for now, all I need is some inner peace. I want to be the best “me” possible, open and loving, because it’s what he deserves and I want to give it to him. Any suggestions?
—Love Embargo
P.S. Reading your advice column makes me feel less alone.
Normally, I edit the letters down to much shorter than this, but I so enjoyed this international soap opera that I had to share it with the Wild Deuces. Love Embargo, you’re a remarkable protagonist: so earnest, so adventurous, so full of feelings, and you sincerely try to treat the one you love with respect.
You know you’ll have to make a choice here and no matter what, you’ll experience pain and a loss in some area of your life. I think you’re asking me which choice is the one that will bring the least pain to your boyfriend, and which choice makes the most sense in terms of your personal growth. Your situation reveals a selflessness toward your man and yet a respect to yourself as a woman striving for self-actualization. Of course, you’ve put Tiggy in the position of bearing the bad tidings…
Ah, Love Embargo. You have to let him go.
You have to let yourself explore. Now is not the time in your life for permanence (i.e. marriage) or promises (i.e. monogamy).You can imagine a future with him but today is not the future; it’s now, you’re 23, you’re seeing the world, and you have yet to “test your sexual curiosity.” Add in the long-distance aspect of the relationship and – as much as you truly do love each other – I don’t see a way to reconcile this romance with reality.
The kindest way to treat him in this case is to cut him loose. I’m glad that your mom so openly supports your sexual exploration but I’m with you: cheating is not the way to do it. Continue the fully honest exchange you’ve carefully established with him. Don’t leave him hanging on to you while you get with other people. It will tear him apart.
I’m sorry for the tears you’ll share as you work this out. I hope you can salvage a deep friendship with each other.
