Dear Tiggy,
I am a woman dating a guy who I think is bisexual. I would ask if he is but I know he would deny it. I am sure he has had sex with a man but considers himself straight. Is there a way to tell whether he is bi?
I have thought about it and doesn’t bother me if he is. I am willing to continue my relationship with him even if he is bisexual. I have had sex with another woman, so I am an open person.
He and I have been together for three years and although he has given me a ring, we don’t say we love each other very often and we hardly ever kiss with tongue. Moreover, we don’t have intercourse much; when we do, it’s doggie style. He is usually hard but not enough for intercourse, so we often have oral sex and he orgasms easily that way.
Is there some way to sexually explore whether he is bisexual without saying anything and alienating him? Are there sexual acts I can try to see how he reacts?
-Theresa
There’s no way to tell if someone is bisexual other than asking them. The sexual activity you describe doesn’t mean anything about his sexuality, and there are no sexual acts that one likes (or doesn’t), performs (or doesn’t), or receives (or doesn’t) that indicate bisexuality. For better or worse, there is no bisexual birthmark.
I wonder: why are you so eager to know? You already know how he identifies and the genders of some of the people he’s slept with, so you practically have your answer already. It sounds like you think bisexuals have to divide their sexual attraction among the genders, thereby diluting it. That’s not how it works, though; even if he is bisexual, that doesn’t have anything to do with how active your sex life is.
If you’re not satisfied with the way you share physical affection, you need to talk to him about it. I know, it’s hard. You’re afraid of scaring him off and making him feel embarrassed. You’re not sure what to say. Theresa, most of us — bisexual or otherwise — have been faced with the task of communicating about sex and have felt the same way you do. But a long term relationship is worth the effort and you might be amazed at the things you find out. What if he’s been thinking this whole time that you don’t want to kiss with tongue? What if he’s on medication that affects his erections? What if he’s been wanting to try new positions but wasn’t sure if you were up for it?
The next time you finish having sex, dive in. Ask him open-ended questions (i.e. questions that don’t have a simple yes/no answer), then tell him some of the things you think you’d like. If you frame it as a fun, physical adventure, he’s sure to want to be the Lewis to your Clark.
If you can’t talk to your boyfriend, at least talk to Rick Stratton. He’s begging you.
© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.