March 3, 2015

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, March is Bisexual Health Awareness Month! The BRC is focusing on mental health so I hope this column helps to get bisexual brains churning about bisexual brains.

Please send your mental health questions to Tiggy at tiggyupland (at) gmail (dot) com or via Tiggy’s queer query portal so we can work through it together.

Dear Tiggy,

For the past two years, after 25 years of believing myself straight and having heterosexual relationships, I’ve been struggling with realizing, accepting, and living with my bisexuality. I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me insane. I find that no matter whom I talk to socially, I’m constantly worrying and assessing my feeling and intentions towards that person regardless of gender.

I’m not one to sleep around and I would like pursue a long term relationship with someone but I’m in constant fear that if I have a heterosexual relationship in the end I’ll find out I’m actually gay and in denial, and if I have a homosexual relationship I’ll find out I’m straight just with gay fantasies. I don’t want to break someone’s heart over not understanding my orientation or be constantly questioning if I’m with the right person due to their gender. These days, I don’t know what feelings or thoughts are genuine and I seem to be repeatedly anxious. The appeal of a gay or straight relationship alternates day by day, hour by hour.

Again, I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me mad. Do you have any advice?

-Kris

Kris, the beauty of bisexuality is that it gives you space. It provides all the room you need for your dynamic desires. You can like one gender significantly more than others, you can end up never having sex with people of one/most/any of the gender(s), you can have a bunch of relationships with folks of a certain gender and then change it up and have a bunch with peeps of another — doesn’t matter, the bisexual label still fits. It is the ultimate sexuality for anyone who expects the unexpected and doesn’t rule out change.

Ironically, it sounds like bisexuality is making you feel in limbo, which is generally known as an in-between no-man’s-land that prevents you from acting at all. Instead of giving you the freedom to be whatever you are, limbo is characterized by uncertainty and paralysis. It’s the Middle Ages’ definition of purgatory and often seen as a waiting station between your place of origin and your destination.

But bisexuality is a destination. In fact, it is a location where more people drop their suitcases and yell, “I’m home!” than homosexuality. We have a culture and a community all our own, ready to support you in your relationships and assure you that we feel the same way you do. I can tell you with certainty that the paralysis you feel — i.e. your reluctance to have relationships until your sexual identity is completely sorted out — is entirely of your own making. You have the power to embrace your bisexuality and sally forth with romantic and sexual engagements; often the best way out of indecisiveness is to simply commit to an option and advance.

And yet, it is known in psychology circles that being in long-term limbo often leads to anxiety and depression. In some ways, it’s considered as emotionally dangerous as hitting rock bottom. In addition to potentially resulting in anxiety, I believe your limbo might also be caused by anxiety. As much as I can determine from a letter, I don’t think you have Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder like some of the folks in this column do, but I suspect that you are experiencing anxiety in the form of perfectionism which is related to obsessive compulsive behaviors. (When you click on that link, be sure to read the comment from the bisexual who obsesses that they’re not bisexual. A kindred spirit!)

Your fear of hurting someone you’re dating due to being wrong about your sexuality indicates a high level of empathy and kindness, but it could also point to a desire for perfect conditions before proceeding. Sure, you might break some eggs in your relationship omelets, but we all assume that risk in love. I sense that your sexuality is simply a convenient hook for your anxiety to hang its hat on. After all, you can realize what you have is not what you want in any relationship.

I got that hat metaphor from Joseph J. Luciani’s book, Self Coaching. That and Feeling Good by David Burns are two fantastic reads on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that I highly recommend for you to address your anxiety and possible perfectionism. Even better than books is working with a therapist who practices CBT. The goal is to change your perspective on being in limbo because, really, it can be quite terrific.

In this moving blog post, Dr. Noelle Stern compares the in-between space of writer’s block to scientific chaos, as it appears to be wild disorder but in actuality is part of a grand plan that relies on that disorder to flourish into something incredible. Such phenomena can only happen in an open system which “maintain[s] a state of non-equilibrium, keeping the system off balance so that it can change and grow.” Kris, if you were to be open to the middle sexualities, well…just think of the possibilities!

Before I leave you, did you know that the limbo — meaning the dance under the stick — originated in Trinidad among African slaves? Supposedly, it represents life’s increasing challenges as the bar gets lower, and the human spirit triumphing over death as a dancer pulls his body beneath the stick. As ever, life goes on, even in limbo.

Developing a passion for the in-between…

How low can you go?

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 23, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

How do I block out all of the negativity thrown towards the LGBT community everywhere? Family and friends aren’t supportive — they don’t know that I am bisexual — and everything they say affects me negatively.

I want to know if you have any tips to block it out because it brings me down and breaks my heart.

-Riad

You need expression, connection, and protection. We all do. This is where art comes in.

Two years ago, queer Afro-feminist blogger Spectra Speaks (the one from this column) posted a suggestion on relating to family members over the holidays not with queer theory rhetoric and social justice jargon but with movies. Her point was that storytelling, in all of its forms, breeds empathy better than a high-minded lecture. It’s not only a terrific proposal for dealing with vexing kin but I believe it’s also a great method of self-love.

Read bi and queer blogs regularly. Delve into LGBT novels (don’t miss the “classics” like Ann Herendeen’s Jane Austen-esque series), poetry (June Jordan pretty much invented bi verse), and memoirs (how about Clive Davis’s The Soundtrack of My Life?). This column will get you started on all of the online and paper bi magazines and newsletters out there.

Watch queer movies. I happen to adore Saving Face, But I’m A Cheerleader, and Show Me Love (A.K.A. F***ing Amal) but there are so many more out there to choose from. Listen to bi-positive music. When someone is saying something biphobic, put your headphones on and blast “Born This Way” by our girl, Gaga. You can stick to famous bi artists like Frank Ocean and Azalea Banks or you can look for more obscure stuff by Googling “queer music” and finding endless lists and sites.

Give yourself a broad definition of the word “art” and keep looking. Try documentaries, stand-up comedy, comic books, subversive embroidery – the works. Challenge yourself to find queer form in genres that you wouldn’t expect, like rap or horror movies. If you don’t have internet access (or privacy) at home, you might find this stuff at your public library.

Immersing yourself in pro-queer art is both a short and long term strategy. The best defense against internalizing biphobia is a good offense of LGBT-positive messages tie-dyed in uber-beauty. The world throws a hundred biphobic messages at you every day? Then you dunk into a tub with 101 droplets of bifabulous vibes — and there’s no better way to bathe than art. It will build you up over time, but it’s also good for some on-the-spot self-care right after someone delivers you a biphobic blow. Use it to decorate your Happy Place.

In addition to breathing it all in, you gotta exhale, too. Translate your own feelings into paintings and prose. This is where connection comes into play, since it’s exponentially more fulfilling to actually share your feelings with other real humans. Coming out allows for you to remind someone — and have them remind you — that being bi is the coolest, even when everyone else is telling you otherwise. If that’s not possible for you right now, maybe you can come out to people online. Then when you play Bigot Bingo at your next family gathering, you can log in and laugh with someone about your “win.”

Finally, find a way to block out at least some of the bad noise. You’re often alerted by headlines alone whether news is going to be hateful garbage with no value. In those cases, do not click. Do not open the door of your brain to trolls. Please know that there’s a difference between sticking your head in the sand about the troubles plaguing the world and refusing to be bombarded with mean and unfounded commentary on your community.

Likewise, commit to spending less time with people who always have unkind remarks about queer folks. You deserve to protect yourself from hurtful comments about your sexual identity. Once again, being out makes this easier because more people around you will implicitly be warned that you reject such views.

Expression, connection, and protection are the trinity of self-care, Riad. Infuse these elements into your life and I promise it will develop into a shield against a harsh environment.

Bob Ross and his happy trees will never steer you wrong.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 24, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s a two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I recently discovered that I’m bisexual. However, I live in Pakistan. Here, sexuality is hardly discussed and, in many cases, considered taboo. I want to know more about myself and my sexuality. Can you please advise me on how to do that in a safe, open way?

-Nora

Yes: read! This column from a couple years ago suggests bi magazines (print and online) and Facebook pages. Allow me to add to the list Bisexual Bloggers’ Facebook page which connects you to some excellent electronic reading material. And if you like Tumblr, you’re in luck: bisexual scholar and author of Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution Shiri Eisner created quite a rundown of bi Tumblr blogs to follow. Note that one of them is Bisexual Books, which will give you even more to read. (Although Shiri somehow left off the best Tumblr blog of all — You Might Be A Bisexual — I am willing to convict her of mere temporary insanity when she finally throws herself on the mercy of the Upland court.)

But the thing I’d most like you to read, the tome that’ll knock your bisexual socks off, is an anthology called Getting Bi edited by Robyn Ochs and Sarah Rowley. The book consists of over 200 personal essays from bisexuals on what it feels like to be one of us. The authors come from 42 different countries (!) and offer a wide range of experiences and feelings, so I have no doubt that you’ll find multiple stories that resonate with you. It is incredibly validating to read this book and feel that connection to fellow bisexuals around the world.

At some point, you’ll want to get out of the library and meet other bisexuals in person. These readings will give you tips on how others have done that, even in places like Pakistan. Until then, get to surfing and hitting the stacks!

Dear Tiggy,

I identify as a bisexual but I am not completely sure whether I am, seeing as I have only had sex with men. I messed around with women when I was younger and enjoyed it but still have yet to have sex.

I guess my question is: will I know whether I’m bi after I have sex with a woman? Or am I already?

-Bryan

P.S. I’m from Texas and, yeah, homophobia ERRVERYWHERE.

I really don’t think having sex with a woman will help you know any more than you know now. It might give you a bit more confidence, but in a “Dumbo’s feather” kind of way. And even that’s not guaranteed.

Generally speaking, having sex to prove something is a bad reason to do it. Consider the feelings of your would-be lady lover: do you think she’ll enjoy knowing that you shared a sexual experience with her solely to “qualify” as a bisexual? Probably not, eh?

Also: would that prove it? If you read the post from last bi-week, you’ll see that I disagreed with the letter writer’s predatory friend on this very idea. Wouldn’t it just make you the guy who only had sex with a woman to prove he wasn’t totally gay? And wouldn’t that fact make you seem…more gay? Additionally, I imagine you’d soon decide that this event wasn’t enough “proof” because now you’re the guy who only had sex with a woman once. Where does that slippery slope end?

Plenty of people don’t have sex with partners who are complementary to their sexuality — or do have sex with partners who aren’t — but it doesn’t change who they are. One’s sexual identity is complex and nuanced, far moreso than anything that can be determined with a simple litmus test; that’s why you’re the only one who can identify yourself.

If you want to feel like a real bisexual, I have a much better idea than a fleeting romp: read Robyn Ochs’s other anthology, Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men. You’ll find bunches of men who are just like you, as well as others who have had different experiences but consider themselves no less bi than the next bi guy. Join the rest of us on pins and needles until the book is published this September. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Take a look, it’s in a book, a reading rainbow.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.