September 4, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am engaged to the man of my dreams and I’m really happy with my relationship as a whole. However, I have a problem: my best girl friend is always trying to get me to make a move on her. She is straight and in a relationship with my best guy friend. I really like her and have been attracted to her for a while, but I feel used. You see, I feel like she’s playing my affections against her boyfriend so that he gets jealous.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose friends but I also don’t want to feel manipulated. Help!

-Korinne

Bad news: your friend is acting like a selfish asshat.
Good news: she might not actually be a selfish asshat, just clueless, and that’s curable.

You didn’t say whether the two relationships in question are monogamous, polyamorous, or one of each, but I figure that if everyone involved is poly, you’d have gone for the hook-up by now. Therefore, I’m going to answer this assuming that both relationships are monogamous, but please write back to me if they’re not.

Your best friend is so desperate for her boyfriend’s attention that she’s willing to hurt your feelings, put you in a position that might blow up your impending marriage, and make her boyfriend anxious. You might wonder how someone could be so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t recognize their own uber-obnoxious behavior, but it happens, and not infrequently. If you give her the benefit of the doubt, I think you’ll likely snap her out of this just by bringing it to her attention.

The next time she flirts with you, respond flatly with: “What are you doing?” and perhaps follow up with, “It seems like you’re flirting with me, and I don’t know why you’d do that since neither of us is single.” Don’t soften it by laughing it off. I hear that you don’t want to cause drama but she’s been pretty up front with the fact that she’s perfectly fine with causing drama. The weight of your group dynamics should not and does not rest entirely on your shoulders. Calling out her behavior is the only way to stop it.

And don’t fall for the ol’ “I was just kidding” gambit, either. If that comes into play, immediately respond, “No, you weren’t. You’re messing with my head, and your boyfriend’s, and you’re disrespecting our relationships. Knock it off.”

You know, though…I’m not fully confident that you’re going to confront her. I know that you don’t want to lose friends, but maybe you also don’t want her to stop flirting with you? In fact, maybe if she was going to actually hook up with you instead of tease you, you wouldn’t mind so much? These are just vibes I’m getting from your letter, and I’ll admit that sometimes vibes get damaged in the mail. But if that is how you feel, just know that there’s no shame in putting off the wedding date until you’re sure that you’re ready for a lifetime commitment to a monogamous partner.

Plenty of shame in cheating, though. In case you were wondering.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 21, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a lesbian who is dating a bi woman ten years my senior. We’re trying to figure out how to consolidate housing. The thing is, she had a rough divorce when her son was two and survived being a single parent by keeping all of her relationships at arm’s length.

Now that things have heated up between us, she has gone ice cold. Her house is more than an hour commute from mine, and I already spend three hours every week day commuting to and from work. From my house, which she helped me pick out two years ago, her commute to work is only half an hour, and a bus stop that we could both use is a couple of miles away.

Her son is a sophomore in college and on break right now, so she wants to be with him and put our relationship on hold. Since my house is a cottage, we would need to build an addition for her son to have his own room. She thinks instead of selling, she should just close up her house while her son is in school. I don’t like that because I want us to all live together, which means she has to sell or rent out her house.

I am only the second woman she has dated, and the first was long distance. She has started coming out but it’s sporadic so, for example, I don’t get invited to some family functions. We really love each other, but I think her experience with men in particular made her feel like she has to be totally independent from any partner, both financially and emotionally. She doesn’t seem to understand that I cannot go back in a closet –- I’ve been out for 20 years!

We really need help turning this corner, possibly through a couples’ counselor. She feels like she could use someone to talk to who understands her coming out process, since she has lived in a straight world for umpteen years. What do you recommend?

-Let Bi-Gones…

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: this isn’t so much about housing logistics as it is her comfort in being totally out. Good for you for showing such compassion, from suggesting a couples’ counselor (instead of just a therapist for her) to preferring a professional who specifically deals with issues of bisexuality. I’m sure you’re frustrated with this, having been out for a score and in this relationship for at least two years, so your balance between patience and looking out for your own needs is commendable.

Please call or write to the BRC (617-424-9595, brc [at] biresource [dot] net) and tell us where you live so we can find you a bi-friendly therapist in your area. We can also suggest some local resources for your girlfriend that will give her the proper support as she begins to fully accept herself. There’s a whole bisexual community waiting to welcome her!

I’m optimistic that you two are on your way to getting closer, geographically and emotionally. The BRC is looking forward to hearing from you.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 7, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy…

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a woman who has been married almost 20 years to a wonderful man with whom I have four daughters. I recently told my husband that I am interested in women and would like to bring someone into our “forever relationship.” He is open to the idea, and we did have a weekend with someone special.

I’m afraid of telling my children, three of whom are adults now. I’m even more afraid of them finding out by someone else even though we haven’t told anyone. How do I tell my children that I am interested in women but I still love their father? Do I tell them separately or all at once? Or should I keep it a secret from them like I have for so many years?

-Lost & Confused

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bi married lady and my husband and I have been swingers for over the last six years. We decided a long time ago that we wanted another woman to join our relationship. I’m happy to say that we have found her and both love her, and we’ve decided to move her into our home. The truth is, I don’t want to introduce her as a roommate but as a second mom to my two teenagers. Would this be a mistake? My kids don’t know that i’m bi, let alone that my husband and I have a girlfriend.

-MTT

Wild Deuces, I always say that there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Of course, there’s no need to go all-out Jonah Lehrer either, but if someone else has a good answer to your problem, Tiggy will happily pass it on to you.

And here, someone does: Loving More, the preeminent polyamory website. Allow me to remind you folks at home that bisexuality describes being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with people of all genders, while polyamory refers to being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one person, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties. They are not the same thing; poly people can be of any sexuality, and bisexuals can be polyamorous or monogamous.

Here’s what Loving More says about letting your kids know about your poly lovestyle:

“Every parent knows their kid best and needs to decide what’s best. As a general rule, however, Loving More always recommends that parents be honest with their kids, in an age-appropriate way.

“Children are perceptive and will pick up emotional nuances between you and others that even you are barely aware of. We find that when parents finally decide to tell their kids after delaying, the kids usually figured it out long ago. Not telling kids can bring them great insecurity if they think one or both parents are having an affair that means the parents are separating. If we want honesty from our kids, we need to model honesty to our kids.

“This does not mean detailing your sex life. What goes on in the adults’ bedroom is not the kids’ business in any household, poly or mono.”

The Tiggster couldn’t have said it better herself. But MTT, let me add something for you: to show up out of nowhere with someone your kids have never laid eyes on and say, “She’s living with us now. Oh, and she’s your new mom,” would be unquestionably detrimental to their emotional health. It’s a bad idea, whether you’re introducing a third in a poly partnership or the new partner of a single parent. Please put yourself in your children’s shoes: they don’t even know that there’s a potential for a new adult in their lives in this capacity. Come out to them as outlined above but don’t move her in yet — can you wait just a few years until they’re out of the house? No matter what, don’t drop this woman in their laps as their “second mom.” I suggest you take this whole thing much more slowly.

For specific tips on revealing your poly proclivities to your progeny, check out Chapter 17 in Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, and Chapter 12 in The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 24, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve known I’m bi for pretty much forever, but did not come out until I was 18. I’m now 21 and looking for a life — or at least long-term, committed — partner. My parents are very accepting, with one catch…

My mom thinks that in being bi, you can choose whether to pursue your life with a man or woman –- not fall in love but choose, among those you love, which one to marry and spend your life with. And she thinks, given all the discrimination same-sex couples face, that I should choose a man. This, she says, is for my own sake as well as my future children’s.

Obviously, I disagree with her but I can’t articulate it well despite my repeated efforts. When she says this, I feel such a pressure to only pursue men but I have a definite preference for women. My resistance to pursuing men now has me questioning my orientation I’ve already switched my label to “queer” instead of “bi.” Advice?

-Inarticulate

Your mom reminds me a bit of this mom, in that they both just want their daughters to have the easiest lives possible. Good parents typically –- and irrationally –- want to eliminate every potential obstacle from their kids’ lives. Moms: they worry.

She might also be putting some of her own stuff on you. (I think sometimes we don’t realize that our parents are humans and have their own thoughts and feelings that they occasionally project onto others.) Maybe she married your dad because it was a rational choice but then ended up loving the hell out of him, and wants you to have that experience, too.

Maybe it’s the opposite and, in pure “Mom” form, she doesn’t want you to make the mistake she did. Maybe she was so smokin’ hot that she got to pick any spouse she wanted from a veritable smorgasbord of suitors, and assumes you will as well.

But you’re not her. You’re not even an extension of her. You’re you, and if you’re old enough to look for a committed partner, you’re old enough to do it without having your mommy tell you how.

The next time it comes up, recite this from memory: “Mom, I’m going to date whoever I’m interested in, regardless of gender. Let’s talk about something else.” Explaining it to her isn’t working and it’s making you insecure. Stay away from queer theory convos with her for now.

And, hey, consider slowing your roll. If you’ve announced to her your intention to find a life mate at the tender age of 21, you might have thrown her into a panic of thinking this is her only chance help you make the right choice. I’d suggest approaching dating a bit more casually, at least when you’re talking to your mom.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 23, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 31-year-old male married to a woman. I’ve always been pretty out with my bisexuality and found the gay community astonishingly closed-minded. This is about my parents, specifically my dad.

When I lived at home, I truly believe that had I tried to explain that I was bisexual and heteroromantic, I would have been kicked out. Now I’m more financially stable than my parents and several states away. I’ve been wanting recently, especially now that I’m married, to officially state to them what my orientation is. I’m sure my mom already knows and couldn’t possibly care less. She’s cool like that.

However, my dad is very religious and I think it would simply hurt him. I’m not sure if he could even understand it if I explained it to him. Lately, it’s been gnawing away at me as we’ve gotten a bit closer in recent months. I don’t know if I should just suppress it and spare him, or let it out and feel better. I’m not sure how much it would hurt him or how much it would help me. What do you think?

-Anthony

Coming out in the societally proscribed manner of sitting people down, pausing dramatically, and trumpeting, “I AM A BISEXUAL” isn’t for everyone. There are so many ways to let friends and family know that side of you. I think that in coming out to your father, you should think outside of the box.

It sounds like you’re ready to come out to your mom, so go for it. And here’s a thought: if you think it will empower her (as opposed to burdening her), tell her that you don’t have any plans as of yet to come out to your father, but you don’t mind if she tells him. Not only are you saving her from the uncomfortable position of keeping a secret from him, but you’re also allowing the person who knows him best to present the information in the most palatable way (if at all).

My take on your situation is that while you and your dad love each other, you don’t really “get” each other. There’s a pretty high probability that he won’t be able to accept your news in the way that you’ll convey it. Your mother, however, loves and gets both of you; who better to act as an emotional translator?

Once you tell your mother this, consider it done. Go forward assuming he knows on some level. I don’t foresee any talks about the men you dated prior to marrying your wife, but I doubt that would have happened in any circumstance. I think the tangible difference will be your not having to hide evidence of your sexuality anymore. That may be the closest you can get to him on this aspect of your life.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 10, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am 20 years old and semi-closeted. I say “semi” because while there are a handful of people who know I am bi, there are also a handful of people who seem to suspect that I am a lesbian, and a few large handfuls of people who assume that I am straight and “just quirky about Charlize Theron, among other things.” I mean if they ever bothered to ask, I’d tell them, but these things don’t just come up in conversation on an everyday basis, ya know?

O.K., O.K., a lot of this is on me. I’m awkward about the labels. I wish this could be done telepathically. Anyway, I am not in school, have limited transportation options, and live in a smallish town although I am sort of close to DC –- just not close enough. There is no LGBT group in my area and I’m beginning to feel like I’m the only queer girl in my entire town. Any advice for getting out and socializing? I feel like I need a bisexual bat signal.

-Mary

Before we begin, I’d like to announce that I am forming a garage punk band called Bisexual Bat Signal. I will be the drummer. Obviously.

All right, back to you. I hate to agree, but a decent chunk of this is on you. Ask yourself: Why don’t I want people to know that I’m bi? Giving that a good think will open your eyes to why you might be sabotaging yourself.

Then, ask yourself: Why do I want people to know that I’m bi? Let your answers motivate you. Once you commit to wanting folks to know, you need to get a few of those bi buttons that only queer people understand. These include, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I took both,” “It’s the chemistry, not the plumbing,” and, of course, “It’s not a phase, it’s my life.” There’s your bat signal. Please be prepared, though, for straight friends to ask about them, too.

You say there are no LGBT groups anywhere near you…yeah, I’m not convinced. A quick Google search turns up many queer community groups in Virginia and Maryland. (As always, check BiNet’s map first for bi groups across the country.) Beyond that, you can find local LGBT groups in Unitarian Universalist churches, on MeetUp.com, through volunteer opportunities –- the list goes on. Look harder.

As for dating, the absolute best thing you can do is optimize your transportation situation. When you don’t live in a city but you want to socialize with other queers, you need a car. If you can’t afford one, cut off your cable TV or take an additional part-time job. I’m serious –- this is social life or death. Remember that most of the people you’ll meet through online dating will live in DC and just about all of them will expect you to meet them in the city.

The bottom line is that you’re going to have to put the effort into finding queer community. It’s out there but it’s not going to fall into your lap. In the immortal words of the great RuPaul, you betta WORK.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 26, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, Tiggy is answering three letters this bi-week because she’s feeling quick and dirty. She’s ruthlessly doling out the tough love, so brace yourselves. This ain’t gonna be pretty.

Hey Tiggy,

I’ve been with a particular man for several years now. Deeply in love, we seem to have faded off into a relationship that used to be VERY unhealthy, but has been gradually getting better, though it’s taken almost two years.

The problem now is that I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m strongly attracted to women. I’m bisexual but I find women more attractive physically. I’ve wanted to have a physical relationship with a woman for a while now, but my other half isn’t open to the idea of bringing another female into the bedroom for a night. I’m hoping these feelings don’t disrupt our relationship, but it’s hard to confine them, and mentioning this would be a death warrant. What to do?

Crossing my fingers with all the luck and hope in the world…

-Crossroads

This previously VERY unhealthy (emphasis yours) relationship has been only gradually improving over two years, you don’t want your feelings to disrupt your relationship (read that over a few times to see what’s wrong there), you’re under the impression that expressing your desires to your boyfriend would be –- your words –- “a death warrant,” and you’re putting all your chips on luck and hope.

Doesn’t it seem like you shouldn’t have to work this hard for a partnership to function? Shouldn’t you have more keeping the two of you together than fear and emotional sunk costs? Crossroads, isn’t it over?

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 22-year-old female who has always identified as hetero. Over the past few years, however, I’ve enjoyed masturbating to threesome girl-on-girl porn. I am also interested in sleeping with a woman or having a threesome.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, whom I love and am extremely passionate about for four years. I’m really happy in this relationship and I’ve told him about my female fantasies. We’ve agreed to have a threesome, but haven’t found the right girl yet. Who knew it would be so hard?

A little over a month ago, we started talking about marriage. Since then, I’ve been feeling more anxious about my sexuality and fantasies. Though I’ve never actually met a woman I’d like to be with and I’ve never experienced with a woman the same pang of desire that I get when I meet a man I’m attracted to, I’m worried that someday I’m going to wake up married to my awesome man and realize that I want to be with women. Is this crazy? I realize that I want to do this threesome to experience a fun adventure with my boyfriend, but also to explore my sexuality and figure out if there’s more to my fantasies than just sex.

Is it possible to explore same-sex urges while remaining in a committed heterosexual relationship? Am I just scared to get married or is there more to these fantasies that I need to address?

-Bewildered

You’re not ready to get married. Your brain is manically, desperately spelling this out to you in semaphore. Address that with your partner first, and the threesome quandary will sort itself out.

Dear Tiggy,

I had a dream that I made out with a girl and we had a secret relationship. Then I woke up and realized that I enjoyed the dream. Does that make me a bisexual?

-Kelly

No. I’m sorry. Keep trying.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 12, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 15 years old and just started to fully accept that I’m bi within the past year. All of my friends know and pretty much the whole school knows, too. I have faced some bullying but was always able to brush it off, say something witty, make them look stupid, and leave them babbling as they ran away in defeat.

Right now, I have a girlfriend and even though it’s only been a month, I love her very much. For our one-month anniversary, I thought it would be a nice surprise if I told my mom about is. My mom had asked me once or twice if I was a lesbian but I never wanted to tell her anything for fear that she wouldn’t accept me.

Because I couldn’t talk to her face-to-face, I wrote her a long letter explaining everything. Even though she replied that it is OK if I’m not straight, she basically told me that she does not accept my lifestyle, that I have no clue what I’m even saying, and that I’m just setting myself up for bad things in the future. I told her that I know what I’m getting into but she just tells me over and over that I have no clue.

I feel like she hates me and I keep beating myself up over it because it was stupid of me to tell her anything. But what happened happened, and there is no going back. Now I’m trying to find things to help her understand who I am. Are there any websites or anything that you could please give me to make it easier to explain to her? I could use a lot of help right now.

-Kitty

I’m sorry that your coming out to your mom didn’t go so well. But I’m ordering you to stop beating yourself up and start patting yourself on the back. You totally came out! You’ve successfully deflected bullying! You have a girlfriend who you love! You’re doing great!

And while I don’t know you or your mom, please trust me on this because I’m 100% sure: your mom does not hate you. She’s worried about you and she wants to protect you. You’re smart to want to give her resources because it sounds like she’s not sure how to wrap her head around all this.

Ask her to read this letter. It’s from a father of five specifically to parents whose child has just come out as bi. There’s lots of good info in there. Suggest to her that she surf around the rest of the Bisexual Resource Center’s website, too, for more ideas and thoughts on bisexuality in general.

Then, show her the website for PFLAG –- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Don’t let the name throw you; this preeminent support organization for parents and friends of queer people is bi-friendly. Not only does PFLAG offer excellent information, but it also provides peer-led support groups all over the country. When she’s ready, help your mom find the local PFLAG chapter and encourage her to attend. She’ll meet other parents like her who have gone through a child coming out to them. They can relate to her and guide her through this process.

Keep your head up, Kitty. It was a sweet idea for an anniversary present, and maybe it didn’t go over like a tickertape parade but you’re on the right track. It’s clear that your mother loves you and wants the best for you. Give her some resources and a little time to adjust. I have a good feeling about this.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 29, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I don’t fancy any men, but I admit to, on the odd times, going to gay bars when traveling. I also, once in a while, go to gay/bisexual saunas where I give some men hand jobs. I just like both the look and feel of a man’s private parts. I know I fancy the females…am I bi or what?

-U.K. Stevie

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 33-year-old male and I have been married to my wife for about seven years. Unfortunately, I haven’t been faithful throughout the course of our marriage. Perhaps the lack of fidelity is my only real issue and everything else is just moot.

I am extremely attracted to and aroused by my wife, and yet I still have urges to be with men. My wife knows that I had a short sexual relationship with a man before we got married, but I’ve always told her that I was just lonely and being sexually adventurous at the time.

Although I find myself aroused by the male body and genitals, I’m still not sure that I’m really bisexual. I have issues with kissing men, for instance. I’m just not interested in that kind of intimacy with another guy.

I would never leave my wife, but I don’t think I would ever be interested in or capable of a loving relationship with another male. I don’t want to snuggle with another guy or show any signs of affection. I want to have more sex with my wife, and I usually start having desires for men when I haven’t had sex with her in a long time (i.e. a week or so). Am I bisexual or just overly sexual?

-FunTonight69@…

Dear Tiggy,

At school recently, I’ve had a crush on this girl (I’m a guy). With girls, I think about relationships. There is also this guy at school who I think is hotter than everyone, but with him I just want to get on to the you-know-what part instead of the relationship part. The weird thing is, I think the guy is way hotter and sexier than the girl. Am I gay, straight, bi, or just bi-curious?

-Frustrated

Folks, for once and for all: I cannot tell you what your sexuality label is. I’m sure it would be a lot easier for some of you if Tiggy were some sort of sexuality slot machine but she isn’t. The only person who can identify your sexuality is you.

Your sexuality label is a socially-constructed concept, not unlike race. (Repeat: your sexuality label, not your sexuality.) For a better understanding of the implications of this, please read this terrific article from the Fall 2011 issue of Good Magazine. In it, the author describes what race — or “ethnic background label,” if you will — he would be in different places and times. It’s funny to think that you’d be considered a different race depending on where and when you existed, but it’s true. Sexuality labels work similarly; perhaps you’ve even heard someone say, “If I were younger, I think I would identify as bisexual.” Figuring out which label works for you can be particularly complicated for those of us who are “mixed.”

Check out this advice that I gave to someone trying to find her own label. For you three in particular, you might consider identifying as “heteroromantic bisexuals.” That means that you’re interested in romantic relationships with the opposite sex but are open to sexual relationships with all sexes.

P.S. FunTonight69@…, your third sentence? Probably. And a first step in turning over a new leaf might be to stop using FunTonight69 as your handle.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 15, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I recently found out that my husband of seven years has been viewing bi porn. I had my suspicions that he may have these tendencies but we are in a monogamous, loving, hetero marriage.

We are currently in counseling because I was overwhelmed with having this in front of my face and felt betrayed. I’m angry and afraid that this might destroy our relationship, and because he never really admitted it to me, even though I questioned him over the years.

Now it is out, and our therapist is very optimistic that we can overcome it and stay married and faithful. I’m dealing with my confusion and coming from a place of kindness instead of insecurity and resentment. I am convinced that my husband truly loves and is devoted to me and our wonderful life together.

In your opinion, is this a common bump in the road that we can grow and recover from? Can he fight his urges and remain faithful to me? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I just need to be able to set aside my fears in a positive, understanding way and drop the whole thing. We both want our marriage to last forever and he is willing to not view the things he knows would upset me. He realizes it is deceitful even though there is no physical acting out.

I am hopeful that with continued therapy, we can sort all this out and move beyond it. I respect your honest opinion and need to know that we are on the right path.

—Sea Dubbs

Communicating with honesty and kindness and working with a trained therapist is the right path no matter what, I’d say.

Yes, bisexuals are capable of monogamy. You’re one of my many readers who has confused bisexuality with polyamory. One doesn’t necessarily go with the other. Here, read this.

However, there’s an important unanswered question: can your husband identify his sexuality? The fact that he views bisexual pornography is not a definitive indicator to whether he is –- or isn’t –- bisexual, straight, or gay. Perhaps he knows how he identifies but hasn’t been honest with you because he’s afraid you’ll shame him, think he’s abnormal, be disappointed, or make him stop looking at porn.

Each couple comes up with their own terms for cheating; I think it’s time for you to reevaluate yours. Do you want your husband to eschew all porn, or just anything that indicates he’s other than heterosexual? If it’s the latter, would your opinion change if you accept that his preferred pornography is not the final judgment on his sexuality? Do you understand that even if you banned male porn for him, he can still use his imagination?

Do you fantasize about people, situations, and sexual acts that you would never want to experience in real life? If so, then why can’t your husband do the same?

My point is that mutually defining your terms for cheating is fair game, but you may have crossed a line. You cannot control him and it’s unfair for you to try. In fact, it will likely backfire as he does what he wants anyway and lies to you about it.

I think for him to be honest with you, he needs to know that you won’t try to control him, particularly using faulty information on sexuality. Show him that you’re willing to work toward that; I bet he’ll return the favor by eventually telling you who and what he’s really attracted to. And with the right information, you won’t feel threatened by it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.