January 8, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Before we begin, I have a suggestion for Angel in the last column: try having your girlfriend wear a strap-on when you have sex. Give it a whirl –- it could be a lot of fun! (Why didn’t I think of this two weeks ago when you wrote in? I swear, Tiggy would lose her head if it wasn’t strapped on.)

Dear Tiggy,

I am an 18 year old female and am bisexual. About six months ago, I started dating my amazing girlfriend. She is perfect. She is so nice to me – we write each other poems all the time and we love each other for who we are. If I’m ever upset or sad, she just cuddles with me and I am there for her as well. We have just as much fun sitting and talking or watching TV as when we are making out or having sex. She says I understand her more than anybody. We decided to stay together when I went to college and are still going strong. We are so comfortable around each other and we trust each other with our lives; it really is a fairytale relationship.

Except the part that isn’t a fairytale relationship. First of all, I am not out to anyone and neither is she. We are both bi and like men as well, but we both have never told anyone about our interest in females. Second, she is 12 years my senior, meaning she is 30 while I am 18. Third, she used to be my vocal coach. She was not a teacher at school but an instructor who I took private lessons with.

While we don’t care about these things when it comes to just us, we both want to reach the point where we can come out, proudly hold hands in public, and tell people that we are dating. Right now, we keep it a secret and since she is my best friend, nobody ever questions us hanging out alone together. I’m very worried mostly because I really, really love her…but I am also close with my family. While they might someday accept that I am bi, I don’t know if they could ever accept her as my partner specifically, especially when they were the ones paying for my voice lessons.

We never did anything other than sing during my lessons but it looks like she took advantage of me. That couldn’t be further from the truth: I made most of the first advances and neither of us took advantage of the situation. We just really love each other. My problem is that I have no idea how to make other people understand that.

-Scared and in Love

It’s good that you recognize that it looks like she might be taking advantage of you. Unfortunately, between your “perfect” this and “fairytale” that and poems and cuddles and unicorns crapping sparkly rainbows, you’re otherwise showing very little perspective because you’re butt-crazy in love.

The distance between 18 and 30 in terms of life experience, shared interests, and maturity is huge. Huge. Not all love affairs with a power differential are borne of manipulation or suffer from internal exploitation but some are and do. This is what your family and friends will be worried about when you tell them, and while you might think they don’t get it because they’re not in your relationship, you also have to accept that they could be more objective for the same reason.

Please recognize the potential for a person in her position to control your relationship, and even the likelihood that that’s her aim (conscious or not) given that she chose to be in that position.

Here are the biggest concerns:

  • This sounds like it started when you were a minor.
  • She crossed a professional line.
  • You’re in the closet, which makes you more vulnerable.

Here are some questions for you to ponder:

  • Why isn’t she dating women closer to her own age? (Don’t automatically reach for, “We didn’t mean to fall in love. We like each other as people regardless of age.” It’s seldom that random. Look harder.)
  • Why did she choose to date her student?
  • Has she ever dated someone over whom she had “power” (e.g. age, status) before? Is this a pattern for her?

Honestly, I don’t mean to make your girlfriend out to be some kind of villain. I feel bad about raining on your love parade and I’m not dogging May-December romances in general. But it’s prudent for you to consider the tough possibilities with clear eyes in order to truly know whether yours is a healthy relationship. You say you want to “make people understand” that this is love; to do that, you first need to take their perspective on why it might be something a bit different.

Since the most worrisome element here is the secrecy, the best thing you and your girlfriend can do is tell your friends and family about your relationship. Show everyone your love, let the world in on it. Live openly and start hanging out together with other people – go to the mall together with your friends, have dinner together with your family. If you and she operate entirely above board, it will be difficult for anyone to make the case that there’s something shady about it.

I hope your girl wants to proudly hold hands in public as much as you do, Scared & In Love. Your family will probably have a hard time with this information at first, but there’s only one way to be out, and that’s just to go for it.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 25, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

In honor of the holiday, wise woman Tiggy brings you these three gifts. Enjoy spending time with loved ones, Wild Deuces.


Dear Tiggy,

I’ve considered myself bi for a while but almost all of my partners have been guys. I am now dating a girl and am positive that I’m bi since I’m really attracted to her and I love her. But is it ok to miss having a relationship with a guy since girls can’t really have sex the same way a man and a woman can? I’m a little worried and confused.

-Angel

It’s OK to feel that way. This is just part of realizing that your partner cannot fulfill every desire you’ve ever had.

So maybe you miss your ex’s…uh, delicious cooking, but you wouldn’t give up your life with your current partner for all the kielbasa in Poland. There’s nothing to be done but feel your feelings, as the emotional gurus say, and let them pass. As long you don’t use this as an excuse to hurt your partner –- for example, by cheating on her or implying that she’s not enough for you –- then you’re golden.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 19 and just recently came out of the closet as bisexual. When I explained to some people that I’ve known I am bi since I was young, they didn’t believe me. I was crushing on both girls and guys on sixth grade but never said anything about it to anyone. Is it possible to know from as young an age as I did?

-Frankin-nonsense

Let me hand you a virtual mirror: you’re asking me if something you actually experienced is possible.

I’m sure your friends who disbelieve you don’t mean any harm, but they’ve actually got you thinking that they know more about your own experiences than you do. Trust yourself. Don’t let people mess with your head.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m not bisexual yet but I have been curious about gayness for a long time. At the moment, I don’t have a girlfriend and I have been dating this feminine-looking gay guy, or “ladyboy,” for a few weeks. We have not yet been intimate but I date him discreetly, as it’s not easy to hang out publicly.

I am attracted to feminine-looking gay guys but not as much to male figures. I’m always getting excited when I talk to my friends about gay issues or what I would do if I became gay. Yet, I also have feelings for women.

I don’t know how to continue being. Am I bisexual or is this is just curiosity?

-Myrrh?

You’ve done excellent work in identifying who you’re attracted to sexually and romantically. I wouldn’t belittle it by calling it curiosity because I don’t believe a flight of fancy accurately describes what you’re feeling.

Your question boils down to how you choose to identify your orientation. Please type the word “label” in the search bar on the right and sift through what we’ve already said on this topic. If the word “queer” is not offensive to you, you might want to use it as your own label. It’s a broad description of anyone whose romantic or sexual attractions differ from the norm.

And by the way, there is a major community of men who love men who look like women. Many of them find their lovers in Thailand because being a ladyboy is a culturally accepted concept there. Here in America, these people might identify as trans women; you’ll also find a rich history of drag queens (bi or gay men who dress in costume as women) across the globe.

Men who love ladyboys identify their sexual orientation in many different ways. Take a look at this three-part documentary on ladyboys to see one person’s experience.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 11, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

When I was first starting to come out (which took an alarmingly long time, thanks to that weird myth that teenaged girls having feelings for other girls is “just a phase,” and the lack of information on bisexuality in my very liberal universe), my school had just started its GSA.

The teacher who ran it was an outspoken proponent of gay rights and we all looked up to her a great deal. However, when I asked her if there were resources or group meetings for bisexuals, I was told dismissively that if the person was mostly gay they could go to gay support groups, while if they were mostly straight they didn’t need them.

Although I was too shy and uneducated about the topic to say anything then, I felt angry and hurt. I knew enough to know that what I was feeling was not the same as being gay and that my concerns and questions were worth addressing. It was the first time I was written off for being bisexual, and although it wasn’t the last, it was the most hurtful.

I’m happily out to pretty much everyone now, including the man I’m going to marry. I’ve considered for a while now sending her a message telling her that she hurt me. She is no longer leading the GSA but I feel somewhat compelled to educate her about the issue. Then again, it’s been almost four years since this happened and we don’t really talk ever. Is it worth bringing it to her attention, or will it just make me look petty or insecure? How far should we as bisexuals go to educate those around us?

-Katie

How far each of us goes to educate others about bisexuality is a very personal choice, and one that is sensitive to circumstances. In your case, it sounds like you need to get this off your chest. I say: do it. But how you say it takes some consideration.

If your goal is to let her know that what she said was especially hurtful to a vulnerable, just-coming-out bisexual teen, then you’ll easily accomplish that. If your goal is to educate her on bisexuality, I’m afraid that has a high failure-rate. Approaching someone you don’t really even know anymore with an attitude that you’re curing their ignorance is never taken well.

Keep in mind that when you challenge or debate someone, you’re not just doing it to change your opponent’s mind, but you’re also trying to persuade all of the people witnessing the exchange. The latter is more likely to work and helps a lot more people.

I suggest that you write an essay for Bi Women, the Boston Bisexual Women’s Network newsletter, about the incident with this teacher and how you processed it. (Submit by February 1st so it gets into the spring issue.) Then, send a paper copy and/or the weblink of the issue to your alma mater’s GSA. Encourage them to have a discussion on your article and on how bisexuals feel in the queer community today. It would be even better for all of the queer kids at your old school if you went the extra mile and donated a copy of Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well.

If you think that your former teacher has any chance of seeing the article or hearing about the GSA conversation, you owe her the courtesy and respect of being direct about it. At the same time that you mail the article to your GSA, mail another copy to the teacher with a short, handwritten note. Tell her you wrote an essay that includes an uncomfortable exchange you two had and you hope that relating this experience opens an important dialogue among the queer students currently at your school. Be gracious: tell her that it’s not your intention to make her feel bad about what transpired between you many years ago. Instead, you feel this is an excellent opportunity for discussion.

And that’s how you get closure while turning a bad experience into a positive one for young bisexuals. Nothing petty or insecure about acting classy, girl.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 27, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a man in my 20s who is very likely bisexual with a slight leaning towards women. From all outward perspectives, I’m a traditionally masculine man and have no issues with dating women.

The thing is, I am going to attend cosmetology school and we all know there is a stereotype about men who are hairdressers. As stupid as it is, I’m really worried that if I am bisexual, women will just assume that I’m a closeted gay guy because of the double whammy of saying I’m bisexual and being a hairdresser.

I shouldn’t care what people think, but I still want to have a fairly wide dating pool of women. Of course, I’m probably the one who sounds bigoted by asking for advice about this.

-Ryan

Is “sincere, thoughtful dude asking a question to which thousands of people want an answer” the new definition of “bigot”? Ah, semantics, you shape-shifting chameleon in army fatigues.

I recently made a new friend on OKCupid who identifies as a lesbian. She said something typically fabulous, to which I responded that she is a truly righteous bi ally. She explained that she’s more than a bi ally – that, in fact, the only reason she doesn’t date men is because her “milkshake does not bring any of the boys to the yard.” For some reason, her milkshake appears to be only of interest to girls.

We all do this to some degree; we “market” ourselves according to our strengths. I’ve said before that how you identify sexually is typically based on your crushes, fantasies, romantic history, sexual activity, politics, culture, and your view of yourself. These many ingredients make up a fairly complex and subjective reality. At the end of the day, how you choose to identify comes down to how it makes you feel about yourself.

In the simplest terms, it seems that you’re grappling with feeling like you’re lying if you identify as straight vs. missing out on the lady hook-ups if you identify as bi. (And for any Pollyannas out there saying, “You wouldn’t want to have sex with a biphobe anyway,” well, that’s easy to say when you’re not jonesin’ for it. As the Bible tells us, let he who is holding an unwanted milkshake in an empty yard cast the first stone.) But you have a lot more options than that.

Read up on how other bi guys handle this issue in Getting Bi and start following the Facebook pages for the Bisexual Resource Center and Bisexual Men. You’ll quickly see that there are an array of labels that might work for you (including “no label”) and tons of choices for who, when, and how to disclose your sexual identity. I bid you go forth and identify yourself in the most personally authentic manner that scares away the least booty.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 26, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter, who is a 17-year-old high school senior, recently told me she is bisexual. I feel like she has been lying to me for years and this has taken a huge bite out of my total trust in her.

Now she wants to not tell her dad or stepmom and I am upset that I will be forced to lie about her to others. She is very involved in her schools GSA – in fact, she’s the president – and I have been asked by several people if she is gay. In the past, I always said “no,” but now I feel like that would be a mis-truth.

Should I encourage her to tell her dad and stepmom or leave it up to her? She is afraid of their reaction, fearing it won’t be good. Also, how should I answer curious gossipers when they get nosy? I want to be supportive and not destroy our fragile friendship but I also need to be the parent and guide her.

-Want To Be Supportive

Imagine you are your daughter. You’re 17 so you’re just starting to figure out who you are, which can be confusing and scary. As a teenager, you’re still pretty dependent on your parents’ approval. Some feelings are coming up, feelings that you can’t control. Sorting them out to any degree takes time. Eventually you realize that if you share them, your friends and family might not like you anymore; if you don’t, you might explode.

Can you see how terrified she must be? It speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship that she trusted you with this information. She needs you now. Framing this as a betrayal misses the point. She was likely questioning her sexuality for a while before knowing enough to come out to herself, never mind anyone else. And once she reached that point, she had to risk disappointing you – her mother, her world. None of this has anything to do with breaking your trust.

Can you also see how all of her options for handling this are pretty lousy? Being burdened with someone else’s secret is uncomfortable…but not as “uncomfortable” as your daughter losing her father and stepmother’s acceptance, right? Tell her privately that you don’t like the secrets and lies so if they ask you about her sexuality, you’ll tell her father and stepmother to direct any personal questions about your daughter to her. If she then chooses to lie to them, please stay out of it. Your daughter needs to feel that she has her own agency in disclosing this personal information.

Nosy gossips are much easier to deal with, as they should be ashamed of asking about the sexual proclivity of a minor. Master a polite-but-confused smile and flash it as you say, “I don’t discuss my teenage daughter’s sexuality in public” (the unspoken coda being, “…obviously, you boob”).

By understanding what your daughter is going through, you can let this new reality bring you closer. Read this, consider visiting a local PFLAG chapter, stand by your girl, you’re going to be fine.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 13, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 15 and have known since I was 12 that I’m attracted to guys and girls. Only two people know this about me and both are bi: one is my best friend in the world and the other is a girl in my Girl Scouts troop.

I had my first kiss with the friend in Girl Scouts. I felt horrible, like I wanted to throw up afterwards. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t really know her at the time, because it happened in a freakin’ church at a slumber party, or because I’m not meant to be bisexual.

I do like girls but I don’t really like the whole kissing thing. It makes me freak out, and I haven’t kissed a boy so I don’t know if it’s just because I’m a nervous wreck or not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

-Emily

It’s because you were nervous. I have a whole boatload of stories from friends who were about your age when they had their first kiss and were completely grossed out. A lot of them leaped to the possibility that the whole gender was a wash, but virtually all of them were off-base.

There’s just so much on your emotional plate at 15, with new dating experiences and societal pressure and hormones and I don’t know what all. Sometimes it’s like every first step sets off a landmine of feelings you can’t possibly untangle.

Try to get in the mindset of framing your lovelife as a fact-finding mission –- that is, a mission to find facts about yourself. But stay in fact-finding mode; no need to shift to analysis just yet. I completely understand the drive to draw conclusions but you’re a bit too quick to extrapolate the data. Just observe for now.

You will need to collect more data to identify trends but be sure to pace yourself. If it was nervousness that made you feel blech about that one kiss, you don’t want to plow ahead and have a bunch more jittery, yuckers, tongue-dominant events, that’s for sure.

Here’s another tip: resist the urge to rank your experiences. Maybe you’re ready for hand-holding or slow dancing. With the right person, those things are no less intimate than full-on hook-up, honestly.

I’m glad you have a bi best friend to talk this out with. Run this by her and I bet you’ll start to feel better about the whole thing.</span

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 30, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Is there a bisexual magazine available for home delivery? I have been searching but cannot find anything.

-Kelli

The first one that comes to mind is the one I subscribe to: the Boston Bisexual Women Network (BBWN) newsletter, Bi Women. It’s produced in Boston but the content is from bisexuals all over the world. Expert bisexual Robyn Ochs is the current editor and she welcomes submissions of personal essays, fiction, poetry, interviews, research, and more for each themed issue. Most importantly, it’s the only other place you can read the “Ask Tiggy” column besides right here!

Beyond Bi Women, definitely check out the latest bisexual magazine to hit the stands: Bi Social, edited by Adrienne Williams, founder of Bi Social Network (more on that in a minute). In the U.K., Bi Community News publishes its super-informative magazine and later posts the content online. The Fence was a great bi magazine out of Canada that’s no longer in print, but you can order back issues on the website. Surprisingly, that’s more than I can say for defunct legendary bi rag Anything That Moves. (Not even on eBay, wow.)

While you can get Bi Women and Bi Community News delivered to your house in a plain white envelope, you can also peruse them via computer. In fact, online magazines are really how it’s done today, allowing for more privacy, convenience, and environmentalism. So unless you enjoy being an exhibitionist, cumbersome, tree-killing bi, here are some online magazines that you might give a shot…

  • BiMagazine.org: the American Institute of Bisexuality’s blog on bi news and art
  • BiMedia.org: a news outlet for bi commentary and a publicity resource for British bi projects
  • BiNet USA’s Blog: all the American bi news that’s fit to post
  • Bi Community News: catch up with bis across the pond with this UK online magazine
  • Bi Social Network: entertainment, news, social issues, and geekery, all with bi flavor
  • Bialogue: bisexual/pansexual dialogue where folks take action, not just offense

As you surf, don’t forget about the personal bi blogs. Shiri Eisner’s blog, Radical Bi, is an inspired burst of opinions and observations from a genderqueer, disabled bisexual in Tel Aviv. And Eponymous Fliponymous is a relatively new site by a bi guy who’s taking the blogosphere by storm. Additionally, if you’re on Facebook, pages like the following are quite active with daily bi news…

…and various other bi Facebook pages exist that are specific to geography or community.

So, my dear, there’s all you need to bone up on bi happenings. If you require more bi news than all these provide, you’ll have to go out into the world and make it yourself. We’re waiting…

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 16, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, this recent post on Gawker about a guy whose dad found out he’s gay via his blog is making me think twice about my answer to this questioner. Is it OK not to come out to a parent when you’ve come out to the rest of your family, or is it ultimately hurtful? Join the BRC’s Facebook page and tell me what you think.

And oh my gosh, was Bilicious fun. Loved seeing you, Lovelies.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 years old, so really my whole sexuality is up in the air. People say I shouldn’t even know who I’m attracted to yet but I know. I’ve liked boys and I’ve liked girls, and I am proud to say that I am probably bisexual. However, I feel like I am way too young to come out, or even tell more than one or two people.

That’s why it’s hard for me to stand up for LGBT rights, defend LGBT people, and stop others from using the word “gay” as an insult. My peers label anyone who stands up for that as gay. I don’t want everybody to know about me, not now anyway. Any advice?

-Amanda

Isn’t it strange how we have an easier time standing up for others than for ourselves? I think it’s more than just not wanting to come out prematurely. When we stand up for our own community, it seems like we’re only doing it out of self-interest but when an ally takes a stand, the objectivity somehow legitimizes her plea for respecting a class of people as human beings. (As if a request for basic human respect is “legitimate” based on who does the asking. Dang, people are weird.)

In any case, you should not feel pressured to come out until you’re good and ready. In dealing with knuckleheads accusing you of queeritude solely to undermine your fight against homo/biphobia, you have a few options.

1.) Tell them your cousin is bi, your mom’s best friend is a lesbian, etc. Then you’ll be in the “ally” role, which feels safer. Please note that this only works if it’s true. If people find out that you’ve concocted a gay uncle from thin air, you’re really going to look suspicious.

2.) Emphatically agree with your accusers. “Yes, I am a lesbian! I do it with every girl I know!” It’ll take the wind out of their sails like nothing else. There’s no sting to evilly-intended words that you welcome with open arms, even if everyone around you knows you’re not sincere about it. This method is a junior version of “reclaiming a word,” which is something that activists do on the regular.

3.) Address it with your closest friends individually, and work your way up to dealing with it as a united front. If someone in your group starts trashing LGBTs, wait until you’re alone with a compassionate friend and say, “I wish she wouldn’t say that, don’t you? There’s nothing wrong with gay people.” Over time, bring it up in a similar way with one or two other friends who might agree. The next time the bashing happens in a group, you can silently give these friends a look like, “Oh no, not this again.” Eventually, I believe one of you will say something and the others can back her up.

Give yourself a break, though, Amanda. Group dynamics are really, really hard in middle school. If you do have the guts to stand up against homo/biphobia, please believe that there is at least one secretly queer person in the crowd who will be forever grateful, and many more who are quietly impressed with your character.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 2, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

This may seem like an obvious question, but I’m wondering how to come out as bisexual. There’s a lot of info about coming out as gay, which is great, but nothing seems to be aimed specifically at bisexuals.

-Lisa

Not obvious in the least, my Deuce! You’ve hit upon a real need in our community: a guide to coming out geared toward the unique obstacles that bisexuals face in the process. How could our fabulous fellow non-monos* have failed to create such a guide by now? I think you may have just sparked the brilliant idea that gets this bi ball rolling…

For now, there are a few resources that, while perhaps not perfect for this task, should be edifying, on-point reads. Start with a recent article in the Huffington Post from BiNet USA’s President, Faith Cheltenham. She shines an entertaining light on the stages many of us experience while coming to terms with our bisexuality in a world that’s not quite ready to embrace us. Next, jump on over to the BRC’s “Coming Out as Bi” webpage. It addresses what it means for a bisexual person to come out and the variety of options one has in doing so. You might also want to look at Chapter Two of Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World to see personal essays on how other bis have dealt with this. Finally, as Faith recommends in her article, pick up a copy of The Bisexual’s Guide to the Universe by Nicole Krystal and Mike Szymanski. Aside from offering more information than Bill Nye doing the backstroke in a pool of Trivial Pursuit cards, it’s fun. It reminds you that there are millions of us bisexuals, and we’re all connected.

Much luck on your journey, Lisa. When the BRC creates the definitive how-to on coming out as bi, you’ll be the first to know!

*Non-monos: Non-monosexuals, otherwise known as bisexuals. Monosexuals are those who are only attracted to one sex or gender.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 18, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 35-year-old single mother and I am bisexual. I do not shout it from the rooftops, nor do I hide my identity from anyone. I have dated both women and men in the past; my longest relationship with a woman was four years, and I have been married to a man. My children accept me for who I am, as do the other members of my family.

My issue involves people I’m dating, whether lesbians or straight men. I continue to get the same tired and overused remarks — from men and women — of how I just can’t make up my mind or how I am selfish. I have attempted to explain that when I am in a relationship, I am faithful and that, yes, I am attracted equally to both sexes. I am feeling so frustrated right now because it doesn’t matter who I talk to I seem to get the same rude response. I accept people for whom they are, and I do not believe that it is my responsibility to tell someone else who they can love or be attracted to.

Should I just give up on dating, period? I am so tired of people thinking that because I am bi, I am going to jump into bed with the next person that walks into my life.

-Star Bear

Girl, sometimes in dating, you can’t even count all of the things that make you want to just give the hell up. A quick break from dating to recharge might be just what the doctor ordered. But there’s no need to completely throw in the towel.

I find that most daters have a particular way of finding a partner that tends to work best for them. It’s possible that your newer ways of reaching out to potential love interests (At parties? Blind dates through friends? Online?) aren’t your jam, and it’s attracting the wrong kind of people for you. Evidently, you’ve enjoyed previous success in finding someone special, so whatever method you used to locate those past partners, keep using it.

Also, in my experience, the would-be lovers who I anticipate being biphobic typically aren’t, and those I think are going to be cool with it leave me saying, “Et tu, Brute?” Are all of the haters that you’ve run into somehow cut from the same cloth? Did their boorish retorts come as a surprise to you? It may be time to drop the kind of person you thought would be welcoming, and give a whole new breed of daters a fresh look.

At the end of the day, I can’t tell you to change your own behavior to elicit a better reaction because this isn’t about you; it’s about certain people’s ignorance, fear, and stereotyping. That said, the best thing you can have going for you when you come out is friendly confidence. It will convey that it isn’t a big deal. And if they still give you a bad reaction, that friendly confidence will allow you to cut them dead immediately, and tell them exactly why.

Of course, if all you’re looking for is a snappy comeback, there’s always this.

Here’s the most important thing: there’s a whole bisexual community just waiting to trade dating horror stories with you. Find us and let us support you! And do I even need to say that you’re likely to find some non-biphobic dates among us, too?

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.