May 14, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve only come out as bisexual to a friend who I live near and see every day, and to some friends I made on a trip, so I’m still not really out. Recently, I had a huge ordeal: I asked a girl I really like to a school dance but I’ve found that I have a crush on another guy. How do I juggle the emotions I feel for my crushes of different genders?

Furthermore, I’m worried for my future. Can someone have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time? How do I choose which gender I want to be with in a serious relationship?

-Frank

Dealing with crushing on different genders is essentially the same as doing so when all of your crushes are the same gender. For now, just enjoy it. Go to the dance with the girl and decide afterward whether you want to pursue something with her, the guy, a new crush, or none of the above. Feelings around love and sex might be a bit overwhelming but it’s really nothing to panic about.

Yes, a person can have more than one boy/girlfriend at the same time, regardless of gender; it’s called “polyamory.” To be perfectly polyamorous instead of a chump-style cheater (or something similarly unhealthy), be sure to follow the four tenets that Loving More proscribes: honesty and clear agreements among partners, mutual goodwill and respect among all involved, intense interpersonal communication, and high ethical standards. That said, it’s often difficult for high schoolers to find others interested in dating non-monogamously. You may have to bide your time until after graduation to find poly-dating peers.

(Hey, as long as we’re on the subject, this would be a good time to make sure you understand the difference between polyamory and bisexuality. Take a minute to check out the second paragraph of my answer here.)

As for your last question, don’t choose a gender to be with; choose a person. The cool thing about bisexuality is that you don’t have to limit your love by gender! Follow your crushes and see where they take you.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 30, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Today, Tiggy brings sage advice to three Wild Deuces with three little words…

Dear Tiggy,

My girlfriend and I are bi. We’re in college and are partners in thesis. Recently, we talk less and it seems like she is avoiding me. When I ask her if she’s okay, if there is a problem, or if her mother already knows about us, she gets irritated and doesn’t answer the question.

Two days ago, she deleted her relationship status with me in Facebook. I did forget our two-month anniversary but I don’t think that’s why. I have a feeling she still loves me since she hasn’t returned the drawing tablet I gave her as a gift. I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss her.

-Pear Tree

Three words: Talk to her! You’re in a relationship and you deserve the respect of an honest conversation. If she confirms that she wants to break up, it will sting but I suspect you’ll be relieved to at least know where you stand.

 

Dear Tiggy,

I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a while and I’ve decided that I’m bi. I don’t want to come out to my friends and classmates yet because some of my best friends are not fond of the idea, and I don’t want them to treat me differently.

The problem is, I absolutely NEED to tell someone. (I want to tell my aunt because I love her more than anyone.) I don’t know how to do it or what I should even say.

-Abbey

Three words: Tell your aunt. (I can almost feel the weight being lifted off of your shoulders already!) The BRC’s webpage on “Coming Out as Bisexual” in its Youth section gives great information and the video shows some examples of how other kids have done it. There are some excellent accounts in the book Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well, particularly in the second chapter. I think you’ll find that most people either write a letter or blurt it out; in your case, I recommend the latter, but you can practice what you’ll say beforehand. Find a time when you and your aunt are hanging out alone and go for it.

Three tips: 1.) Do tell you aunt what being bisexual means to you. 2.) Don’t tell your aunt that you think “everyone is bisexual.” Speak on behalf of your own feelings. 3.) Your aunt may be wary of keeping this secret from your parents. You can assure her that you’re not in any danger and that you appreciate knowing that you can confide in a trusted adult.


Good luck, Abbey!


 

Dear Tiggy,

I am 23 and realized that I was bisexual/pansexual/queer a couple of years ago, based solely upon analysis of my inner feelings of attraction and interest. While I understand that this is enough to allow me to label myself as I wish, I feel a deep insecurity about this identity. As I have only kissed a few girls but have been in long-term relationships with several guys, the questions of other people make me feel that I need to act upon my feelings in order to validate them.

However, there are a few extra complications getting in the way of my exploration. I am in a long-distance relationship with a guy. Despite our choice of monogamy, he has specifically permitted me to explore my sexuality – not because he considers female-female relationships as less valid, or receives a voyeuristic pleasure from them, but because he wants me to be happy.

I am rather asocial, so the only way that I would meet someone would probably be by going to a gay bar, in which intentions and orientations are clearer than elsewhere. Alas, in such a place, it would be difficult to explain my situation properly, and I think that most potential partners would be turned off by a) my relationship status and b) my lady-sex virginity.

 Also, I am sex positive in theory, but have a lot of insecurities in practice; hence, getting together with a stranger when I have no idea what I’m doing is extremely intimidating.

 Finally, I am extremely nervous about perpetuating stereotypes about bisexuality in the lesbian community by being a woman in a relationship with a man, interested solely in a physical encounter with a woman.

How do I approach this situation? Do I lie/avoid talking about my situation (difficult, because I am honest to a fault and it seems unfair to the other person)? Do I hope that I can stumble upon the rare woman who would be willing to be my guinea pig, so to speak?

-M.

Three words: Find partners online. On OKCupid, for example, you can explain your situation in your profile so people who are not interested in participating can just keep moving. And trust me, you are not nearly the first person on OKCupid in these circumstances.

As for getting together with someone to have sex, no one knows what they’re doing and everyone’s nervous. You know that. If you’re so freaked out that you can’t do it, then you need to come to terms with your insecurity about being bisexual on your own. Regarding the last part, common stereotypes aren’t your problem. You’re not saying every bisexual wants or does this, and you’re allowed to make your own choices. Feminists can be stay-at-home mothers, right? Same thing.

What I think will help you is getting out of your own head and trying to see this experience from your potential sex partner’s point of view. Essentially, it’s the opposite of framing them as a “guinea pig” (and, God, please don’t ever say that again). If you find someone in your exact position, focus on the even exchange – and fun! – of being each other’s “first.” For a lady looking for a quick fling, communicate with her at length about what she likes in bed, dim the lights, and give it the ol’ college try. Taking the spotlight off yourself and getting into the giving spirit should shake off those nerves a bit and provide you with a little direction.

You got this, M. Log in and git down.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 16, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have almost always liked boys up until this point. I felt some interest in girls before, but I thought it was just curiosity, or just normal for any straight girl. But recently I have fallen — hard — for a girl I know.

 The hardest part about this is the fact that I and my family are (non-denominational) Christian. I still believe in God, but I don’t know how to reconcile my possible bisexuality and my faith.

-First Timer in NC

First Timer, I could tell you that the Bible is up to interpretation, and that the church leaders who interpret it are simple humans with their own agendas. I could argue that only Biblical scholars who read the book in its original language can even come close to understanding it. I could explain, as this book does, that queerness as we know it is a modern concept, which is why there is literally no mention of it in the Bible.

But I suspect that you’re not really afraid of going to hell. I think you’re afraid of your Christian family rejecting you.

If you want to prepare to dismantle your family’s arguments against bisexuality, you can read Hate Thy Neighbor by Linda J. Patterson. But be forewarned: perspectives not based in logic are typically not swayed by logic. The good news (well, besides the Good News — heh) is that beliefs borne of emotion are most vulnerable to change from emotion, including your family’s love for you. Only a month ago, Ohio Senator Rob Portman announced that he now supports equal marriage because he discovered that his son is gay. Perhaps your family will decide as he did: “Ultimately, it came down to the Bible’s overarching themes of love and compassion and my belief that we are all children of God.”

The president of Dignity, a Boston-based support group for LGBT Catholics, recommends The Good Book by Peter J. Gomes for reconciling Christian faith and being queer. He also suggests building a support network for yourself as you come to terms with your sexuality; Metropolitan Community Churches are a good place to start.

I sense that you’re young, perhaps beginning to learn that adults are just people, complete with flaws and irrationality. This realization can be disappointing but I hope it also motivates you to reach a greater level of self-conduct. It’s not as easy as growing up and not hating queer people (although that’s nice). A true departure from a fearful and ignorant mindset is becoming an intellectually curious adult, one who is not afraid to admit that she doesn’t know something, like what God feels about certain issues or what happens after we die. I hope you aspire to be someone who isn’t threatened by the idea that she might be wrong, and won’t feel like the bottom dropped out of her world if it turns out she is. It is, of course, entirely possible to achieve this while following Christianity, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 2, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My local bi support groups are divided by gender. I’m bi and trans, and a bit uncomfortable with picking which one to attend. De-legitimize my gender and hang out with my ladies? Feel uncomfortable as always in a room full of other men? Should I start my own all-inclusive support group? Ask the bisexual center for help? I’m in a quandary. What would you do, Tiggy?

-Mack

As stoked as I am to hear that you have even one local bi support group, never mind more than one, I agree that it can be disheartening when queer groups break up by gender. I find that LGBT entities tend to divide this way because their social opportunities (e.g. bars, clubs) are attractive to either gays or lesbians, not both. But dang, you’d think bisexuals would see the beauty in making sure folks of all genders share their feelings — and their lives! — with each other.

It’s even more problematic for transgender people for the reasons that you imply. True, people of different genders experience bisexuality in their own unique way and may want to connect with those who have a first-hand understanding of that. But dividing into groups based on one piece of our demographic profile denies so many of us the intersectionality of our identities, and the feeling that we’ve found a space where we can be our whole selves.

If I were you, I’d attend the next male and female bi meetings and bring up my concerns. I’d ask if others felt the same way and whether they would be open to reconfiguring the groups based on something other than gender. If a majority of people feel the need for a change, you can go to the bisexual center and ask if you might re-divide the groups based only on time and place of meetings. If fewer than a majority are into switching things up with the current crews, then lead the way to greatness by starting your own all-inclusive assembly. I’ll bet the bisexual center, along with any local trans and genderqueer groups, will be happy to help you realize your gender-holistic vision.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 19, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a bi woman currently dating a man who I love. We’ve been together for two years and we’re talking about getting married. I don’t feel ready yet though because I never thought I’d marry a man. I always pictured myself marrying a woman. (I live in Canada where that’s possible.) Now that I’m dating a man so seriously, I’m having a couple of problems…

A) I find it harder to come out because there are even more assumptions that I’m straight.



B) People in the queer community think I’m straight until I bluntly tell them I’m bisexual. It’s annoying to have to educate even my own community.



C). I am having a really hard time meeting other bi or lesbian women. It seems most women my age are getting married and having children and don’t have time to join LGBTQ social groups. I deeply miss the company of other gay women.



D) The thought of “passing” as heterosexual for the rest of my life bugs the crap out of me, but how loudly must I declare my sexuality, and how often? I’m also afraid this problem will worsen if I marry my boyfriend.



E) I haven’t had many opportunities to date women. I feel isolated and like I’ve “failed” in my life’s mission because of this. At least if I’d done a bit of serious dating of other women (and this was NOT for lack of trying), I’d be able to say, “Well, I’ve done this and now I can decide if it’s okay for me to marry a man because I’ve had the opportunity to have good relationships with women, too.”



F) The support of my heteronormative relationship with my boyfriend is more comfortable than the difficulty of trying to play a male role and then forgetting that I need support too (which happens to me with women). But still I know I’m missing out on that side of myself, which I feel needs development

G) I feel like I need to “make up my mind” about whether or not I’m going to marry my boyfriend. I’m worried that doing nothing (my current strategy) will inevitably result in us getting closer and closer until I decide I love him so much I’m going to marry him. But then I will never have the opportunity to marry a woman, it will be done. But I don’t want to leave him either. But not leaving him leads to the path of marrying him if I take that forward to its logical conclusion. I’m sure you see the debate.



H) My boyfriend thinks being poly will solve all of this. He is A-OK with me dating women with or without his involvement. But I have had trouble finding poly women to date. I’m afraid I won’t find someone and then I’ll be in a relationship which is monogamous and heterosexual, which I won’t like.



I) Even if I find a woman to date while being married to my boyfriend, I’ll still be missing out on having a primary relationship with a woman and marrying a woman.



J) I would only tell close friends about my girlfriend, which would still leave me feeling the total lack of social recognition for my love of women, and for my relationship with any future girlfriend.







Why is our society so against polyamory? Because if it weren’t and everyone was accepting and awesome, I might not have this debate. Oh, and you’re awesome.

-Mary

I appreciate that you think I’m awesome and hope that you would continue to think so even if, say, hypothetically, I have to be harsh on you for your own good. (Wow, foreboding sucks. That opening sentence was like starting off with, “No offense but…” Probably I should have just said, “Brace yourself, Mary.”) Being awesome appears to come easily to some but, not unlike Bleeker in Juno, I try really hard, actually.

OK, brace yourself, Mary (yeah, now, see? That was better):

A.) & D.) Read this. BONUS: you are not alone! Not even a little!

B.) Yes, even queers can be heterosexist. It is annoying to have to school people. We all have a cross to bear.


C.) The Boston bi women’s community has found a lot of success in holding monthly potluck brunches. Folks come for various reasons but there are a fair amount of bi women in monogamous relationships with men who use the brunches as their queer female oasis. Contact the Boston Bisexual Women’s Network (BBWN) for tips on how you can replicate the model in your area.

E.) So as you’re figuring out how to fulfill your desires in an optimal manner, keep in mind that breaking it off with your boyfriend solely to pursue a relationship with a woman may result in no relationship at all, despite your best efforts.

F.) Please read what you wrote for “F” over and over until you realize that this is not a problem.

G.) “I’m worried [that we will get] closer and closer until I decide I love him so much I’m going to marry him.” I can’t imagine how you go on with this terrifying reality on the horizon. See above.

H.) Start a gratitude journal. This will develop your skills in identifying things that are not problems but, in contrast, super-fantastic, like landing a partner who is supportive of a poly lifestyle that will likely facilitate fulfilling certain desires.

I.) Perfect segue to introduce my favorite life lesson: Being an adult is about Shitty Choice A versus Shitty Choice B. Or, the Mary version: Pretty Excellent Choice A versus Still Really Good Choice B.

J.) This might be a real problem but if it is, it’s of your own making (because in this scenario, you’re choosing not to be out to all of “society”). Which means you can solve it whenever you want. Good attempt at having a problem, though.

Mary, you’re asking how you can have the whole smorgasbord of relationship experiences, even the ones that are mutually exclusive. You can’t. Life doesn’t often allow you the option of “all of the above.” And every choice you make will have cons to go with its pros.

My practical advice is to stick with what sounds like a terrific boyfriend. You love each other, he’s open to polyamory, and leaving him does not guarantee that you’ll find a fitting female partner. More to the point: does breaking up with a loving partner just to fulfill some personal gender scorecard sound stupid? Maybe because…it is?

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 5, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My wife knows that I have bisexual interests and I have told her about bisexual experiences that I have had in the past. We used to enjoy having threesomes with a very good mutual friend, but now she prefers to be friends with him as he has difficulties maintaining an erection and she isn’t excited by his technique anymore.

I miss that kind of sex in our relationship, but she says she isn’t interested in seeking it out now. I am about ready to ask her if she would let me pursue a relationship with a man where guy-guy sex could occasionally happen. The problem is that I am most excited by bi men who, like me, have large cocks and enjoy being sexual most when members of both genders are involved. I feel that men with this particular set of attributes/preferences are hard to find and don’t really know how to proceed, but my desire for having this kind of sexual relationship just won’t go away. What can you tell me?

-David

Definitely broach the topic of this form of polyamory with your wife. There appears to be very little risk in doing so: she knows that you’re bisexual and she’s participated in threesomes with you, so she won’t be surprised by your suggestion of taking a male lover. If you go that route, ManHunt.net should be helpful in locating a proper dude.

But your letter is a bit unclear – is she tired of threesomes or just tired of threesomes that include that particular guy? Why not talk to her about that and see if you can find men you’re both interested in? You seem convinced that there are only two large-membered men interested in Devil’s Threesomes*: you and your buddy with erectile dysfunction. I’m happy to tell you that you are incorrect — so don’t give up so easily! — but you need to know where to look.

For this, I consulted my good friend, Dr. X, who has not only sampled several sex communities but also founded his own thriving sex club. He first recommends searching for local swingers clubs online, and exploring Craigslist.com and FetLife.com. Although “Fet” does refer to “fetish,” he assures me that it’s a good space even if you’re not kinky: “You can be vanilla and still talk with like-minded people and join groups of kindred spirits in almost any locale on any topic.” 

In joining a sex club, X says, “The ideal method is to connect through someone in-the-know: a confirmed non-sketchy pal who understands boundaries and consent and is a stand-up person. A safe space for bisexual people specifically is relevant especially as a bi male, I’ve found.”

David, let me now be the first to encourage you to take the fulfillment of your sexual desires to their most climactic end. Mahatma Gandhi famously counseled us all to “be the change you wish to see in the world.” He was, of course, referring to creating your own sex club.

Take it away, Dr. X. “Before one even thinks about trodding down that path, there are certain prerequisites that need to be in place for safety and to insure that you’re going to experience the super-sexy time you’ve been picturing in your fantasies. It is possible, but this is real life and you gotta do your prep work.

“The big thing is making damn sure your interpersonal communication skills/negotiation skills/ability to recognize and diagnose sketchy people EARLY ON are honed. If you’ve had a history of being used or not recognizing signs ahead of the 20/20 of hindsight on several occasions, you might want to hold back and take stock. Make sure you’re comfortable with the phrases ‘No,’ ‘No, thanks,’ and ‘No, fuck off.’ Once such personal groundwork is established, you can start a club with select people you know and trust. Put in some structure for safety and filter members to uphold quality and agreed-upon values.” Dr. X recommends using a private Facebook page for group communication.

No matter how you proceed, please know that you have options, lots of people like what you have to offer, and you’re probably attracted to more types than you think. Access the possibilities by having more than one friend in the world.

*a threesome with two men and one woman

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 19, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have been married to the love of my life for a little over three years and we have a two-year-old son whom I love more than life itself. I have always been interested in guys, although I don’t so much find them attractive or check them out. I have had encounters with men before and enjoyed it.

I recently confessed to my wife this deep secret and she was happy that I told her but at the same time was very overwhelmed. I want to do it again but my wife doesn’t believe in any kind of sex outside of marriage. I respect her feelings but I keep wondering about it.

I can’t help how I feel and I don’t think I can go through my entire life suppressing these feelings. I asked if we could have a threesome but she never wants to touch or be with another guy besides me. She offered to try new things but I don’t think this would suffice. Any suggestions? I have no idea what to do.

-Confused

Fine readers: this is why you communicate your sexual desires and preferences to your partner before — or instead of — pledging lifelong monogamy.

Confused, that ship has sailed for you, so let us forge ahead. Since this confession was so recent, your wife is still processing the information and trying, as you are, to mentally fit it into the parameters of your marriage. The information, the parameters, or both will have to be compromised and you’re both still coming to terms with that fact.

You offered some good possibilities (e.g. a threesome, a rendezvous for you outside of your marriage) and her reply was negative. But that was just her initial reaction, and surely you can understand such a response when you answered her proposal for “trying new things” likewise. If you approach this as a series of conversations instead of a single question with a yes/no answer, the process will open communications and grease the wheels of compromise.

Please find a therapist to guide you two in discussing how a mutually beneficial sex life might look. This list of bi-friendly therapists is an excellent place to start searching. For this to work, both of you need to be open-minded about the possibilities. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for her to eventually decide that she’s OK with you having sex with men as long as she can be there (or as long as she doesn’t have to be there). And perhaps once you experience the new things she wants to try, you’ll find them satisfying after all.

Note, too, that being a closeted bi — i.e. one who suppresses certain feelings — can be agony but that’s very different from being a monogamous bi. After all, when you married, didn’t you willingly agree to stop acting on your sexual feelings for other women? What I mean is, it’s possible that just being able to talk openly about your feelings for men to your wife and/or a community of bisexuals will be enough for you.

She’s the love of your life, Confused. I have total faith that with a trained therapist mediating your talks, you two can devise a sex life that satisfies you both.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 5, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, you won’t believe it: someone did my job for me this bi-week! Read on while I fix myself a shot of elixir and kick my Irregular Choices up onto the ottoman.

Dear Tiggy,

How can you really know that you’re bisexual? I’m 16 and female and, at the moment, I’m honestly confused as hell.

This happened really suddenly. In fact, last week I wasn’t even questioning my sexuality. I thought I was more or less straight. I had my doubts here and there but then, BAM, I suddenly felt sexually attracted to girls. It wasn’t a gradual attraction, it was as abrupt as they come. And when I say attraction, I mean already thinking about sex, dating, marriage, adoption, the whole shebang.

I’m not at all upset with what I’m feeling. I had an uncle who was gay and I’m extremely close to my godfather and his husband. It’s safe to say that I live in an incredibly supportive environment and acceptance on my mother’s part isn’t anything I’m worried about. I’m just incredibly confused as to what my feelings are telling me.

Am I straight and is my brain somehow “experimenting” with my sexuality or could I be, in fact, bisexual? At some point this week, I’d already suspected that I am bi but there’s always a nagging doubt in the back of my head.

-Cadmium

I set about with an answer, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but Cadmium’s answer from between her own ears…

Dear Tiggy,

Hi. Uh, this is awkward. I actually just wanted to tell you that I did realize that I am bisexual.

I was reading your previous replies to people’s questions, and one of your previous answers was right: no one else can tell me what orientation I am. I actually came out to my mother a couple of weeks ago, and what was surprising was that she already knew. Apparently trying to find the R-rated French films she hid last year had given it away. She was happy – actually, really happy – that I had summoned up the nerve to tell her.

I just wanted to say that you don’t need to answer the question I submitted a few weeks back. I’m recommending your column to a friend that needs it at the moment. Thanks, Tiggy!

-Cadmium

Splendid. What have we learned here?

1.) If I wait long enough, you’ll answer your own questions. Not only will this free up my schedule, but incidentally, I think I’ve stumbled upon the philosophy behind Comcast’s customer service.

This is a thrill. I feel like I’ve potty-trained you, Deuces.

2.) Peruse the old columns or do a search (in the search bar on the right. No, not there, under my face. Yes, that’s it) on your queer query to see if I’ve already answered it. Don’t make me repeat myself and more importantly, I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.

3.) Tell your friends to read up on Tiggy and the rest of the BRC site. How will they ever realize what infectious, good-sex-us, silver Lexus, git-outta-Texas bisexuals they are if you don’t point them in the right direction?

4.) If you want to stay in the closet, that’s fine, but then don’t run around asking where your pile of R-rated French flicks went. You might as well drape yourself in a pink, blue, and purple flag with a headshot of Robyn Ochs taped to your face.

“People? People, I have an announcement! I cannot seem to find my well-worn Amelie DVD. Does anyone know where it is?”

“Oh, real subtle, Howard. We get it, you’re bisexual, Jesus.”

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 4, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a guy in my mid-20s and I am confused about my bisexuality because I have only been with women. I actually wish I was not bisexual and when I feel attracted to men it is a feeling I do not like.

My problem is that I have several times (but not always) felt that I am more attracted to men than women. Sometimes the urge to kiss a guy is stronger than the urge I have ever felt with a woman. And when I think about doing something with a guy I can get more turned on than when I think about doing things with a girl. Even when I masturbate the feeling is different, i.e. sometimes more tingling when I think of a guy.

That is not to say I don’t feel strong urges with women. When I see hot girls and I think about their bodies, I just want to go over and grab them. There are also things I prefer with the female body, such as the soft skin and breasts. But as I mentioned before, I have never been with a guy – and I don’t really want to – so I don’t know if these feelings are true or if my mind is just playing tricks on me.

Why I find this disconcerting is because I am not happy with being bisexual. I want to have a wife and kids some day. I want to have a woman I can hold and share my life with. I can’t really picture myself lying in bed cuddling with a man. What makes things even more confusing is that I have never been in love before. If I had been in love with a woman, I might have not been that afraid of feeling a strong lust for men because I would know I was capable of loving women. So whenever I feel attracted to men, I am afraid that I am more attracted to them than women.

In my head, there is an eternal battle. Can I really be more attracted to men when I have never been with one (and don’t particularly want to be)? Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal? Is my body telling me I want to be with a man, while my mind says I don’t?

Apologies for the excruciating detail and the explicit content, it’s just that I am really confused and depressed a lot of the time.

-Chris

Your letter makes me so sad for you. Lying in bed at night thinking, “I don’t want this…I don’t want to be this,” is incredibly painful. I hope my thoughts offer you solace, if not immediately, then in the long term.

The good news for you is that plenty of male bisexuals fall in love and settle down with a female partner. Furthermore, the vast majority of bisexuals don’t like all sexes equally. I’ve come to believe that nature abhors perfect balance just as much as it hates vacuuming. How would a person even measure whether zir* affection and attraction to one gender is precisely equal to zir feelings for another? And even if you did, for example, have a stronger pull toward men than women, you could still fall in love with and have a long term relationship with a woman.

But honestly, I think your wish not to be bisexual comes from internalized biphobia. Your revulsion in imagining cuddling and having sex with a man is likely from the same source. You ask, “Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal?” and I believe that’s probably correct.

There is such a thing as being a heteroromantic bisexual – that is, a person who is romantically attracted only to a different gender but is sexually attracted to more than one gender. I don’t think that’s what we’re dealing with here, though.

As I see it, your actual problem has little to do with sexuality and everything to do with your need to control your own life story. Chris, the truth is that control is an illusion. None of us is completely in charge of how we turn out. You don’t need to try to force your life to perform the hetero script you wrote for it…in fact, you couldn’t even if you wanted to, no matter how much you ruminate on this issue. So stop trying to mentally measure every urge and feeling because you’re going to make yourself nuts.

Focus your energy on letting go of the need to control your life’s narrative. You can look into Buddhism and start meditating, or read a self-help book like this one or this. Train yourself to welcome whatever may come into your life and you’ll be much more content regardless of what happens.

*gender-neutral pronoun

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 22, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My son-in-law has just disclosed he is a crossdresser and may be bisexual. My daughter would like to have resources to a cope with this as a spouse and support him as he sorts this out for himself. They are in the military in Hawaii.

-Douglass

What great timing, Douglass — the latest Boston Bisexual Women’s Network newsletter addresses this exact issue. The theme of BBWN’s Winter 2013 newsletter is “Mixed Marriages,” which includes mixed orientation marriages, such as one between a bisexual person and a heterosexual person. Turn to page seven and you’ll find terrific resources provided by therapist Betty Schleyer, Ph.D. These include the groups Alternate Path, Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (MMOMW), HUGS Couples, and Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriages (MMOM), as well as research showing that “stable, satisfactory mixed orientation marriages are possible.”

One caveat: having a spouse who comes out as gay or lesbian is a markedly different experience than one who comes out as bisexual. As your daughter and her husband search for compassionate support, I hope they know that if they receive feedback that makes them feel uncomfortable or judged, or simply doesn’t fit their reality, they should trust themselves and look elsewhere.

Meanwhile, I’m having a devil of a time finding resources for bisexuals and allies specifically in Hawaii. Your daughter and son-in-law might want to see what support is provided by OutServe, the military’s new association of active LGBT personnel. (Never thought we’d see the day, eh?) Furthermore, if they’re open to visiting a Unitarian Universalist church — which would not require them to give up any theism that they currently have — there’s one in Honolulu. UU churches have long been a safe space for LGBT people and this one in particular has a couple of conversation groups that may interest them.

And remember, a lack of local assistance is no obstacle in the Internet Age. The BRC has terrific brochures on our website, including one with a list of books on bisexuality and another on how to support the bisexuals in your life. As for crossdressing, please give your daughter this list of the Top 11 Misconceptions About Crossdressers to ease her mind. She’ll find support and information specifically geared toward wives and girlfriends of crossdressers – also known as transvestites – at A Crossdresser’s Secret Garden and Tri-Ess (Support, Serenity, Service).

Good luck to your family, Douglass, and I’ll put a call out to the bi community to send reinforcements to our beloved 50th state.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.