February 18, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Being bisexual feels, for me, like I am constantly trying to hide my sexuality, pretend it doesn’t exist, and avoid getting really close to anyone. Part of this is because I simply don’t want to deal with all the negativity and self-explaining. But there’s another reason, too.

My gender identity and expression being predominantly female, when I’m with cis men, I feel the need to protect myself in the way that prey needs to protect itself from a predator (i.e. the feeling that men want to get in my pants). And when I’m with cis women, I feel the need to make myself appear to them as though I’m safe and non-threatening to be around, i.e. that I’m not going to do something pervy or that would make them uncomfortable. With transgender or genderqueer people, it’s a bit easier because I feel some camaraderie with them. Unfortunately, I don’t meet many such people in my everyday life.

The result is that I have, for years, felt isolated. I think this isolation has contributed greatly to the chronic anxiety and depression I’ve dealt with for most of my life. I can’t seem to shake this discomfort that’s preventing me from truly opening up to people, even to my friends.

This is especially pronounced for me with my female friends, as being close with other women in a sister-like way is, when I get little tastes of it, so healing and nourishing for me. I don’t want to complicate such relationships with sexual involvement because for me there’s something essential about the simplicity and depth of friendship. Yet often times I do find myself feeling sexually and/or romantically attracted to many of my female friends. This is probably because I consciously and subconsciously decide to become friends with women I feel attracted to sexually/emotionally, this being the only way that feels safe for me to get close with such women. But in the end, it leads to a lot of ongoing sexual and emotional frustration for me because it feels like I have to constantly hold back around these friends in order to keep things in the platonic realm. I’ve even tried telling the occasional friend that I’m attracted to her, but the discomfort still hasn’t gone away for me.

This sort of purgatory is so painful. I don’t know how to relieve the anxiety and deepen my bonds with other women. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

-Lila

From the telling of it, you set up your relationships with women to be self-defeating. You seek out women you’re attracted to, form friendships with them, and then disallow yourself to be anything but purely platonic. Sure, you’re in purgatory…you ought to be, since you rented a car, filled the tank, and bought a map to it.

Are you familiar with the term “Nice Guy”? That’s capital “N” and capital “G,” and it’s not a compliment. The dreaded Nice Guy ™ is nice to pretty women ostensibly because he’s a nice guy but really because he expects to be thanked for his kindness with sex. When that doesn’t happen, he laments that women only want assholes. Now I’m not saying you’re a Nice Guy — most of the definition doesn’t apply to you at all — but you have to admit that you kinda share his romantic strategy of subterfuge. You say that you’re trying to be just friends with these women but you know that’s not true — and they can sense your insincerity, I promise you that. And what was the point of telling a few of them that you liked them? If it was to dump your feelings in their lap like a pile of Rubik’s Cubes for them to sort out while you await a catharsis…I mean, that’s not cool.

It seems that your main problem, the one from which all others stem, is that you view sex as a predatory act that one commits upon a woman. Unpacking this mindset with a trained professional will allow you to recognize how your life experiences have led to framing sex this way. After you identify where this perspective is coming from, you can practice cognitive behavioral therapy to adjust your views on sex to something more accurate and healthy. For that, you might try what’s known in the psychology world as the “cognitive behavioral bible,” Feeling Good by David Burns. I predict that Burns’s book will help immensely with your anxiety and depression as well.

Once you work out your ambivalence about sex and emotional intimacy, you can be honest with women you’re interested in and with yourself. The introspection you reveal in your letter tells me that you’ve already begun your journey to authenticity. What sweet relief you’ll feel once you believe that you can approach someone sexually without feeling like a perpetrator! You can do this, Lila. Make an appointment with a therapist today.

I think this song is about getting therapy. Or hardcore gardening. Or…grave robbing? Hmm. I hope this song is about getting therapy.



© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 4, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Two-fer Tuesday, today on “Tiggy”!

Dear Tiggy,

My son is in love with bisexual girl. What are his chances for a relationship/long term happiness?

-Carla

Same as the rest of the human race.

Fry meme, Bummed

 
Dear Tiggy,

What do you advise a bisexual woman (and mom) to do when she is in a committed and happy hetero relationship but is having very overwhelming desires to be with women?

From the beginning, my boyfriend was of the opinion that if you are in love it’s just the two of you. I was always like, “I need to be with women when I want to be.” But when we fell in love it was so different and wonderful that I just thought, “Who knows?”

For three years, I haven’t had any bi longings to speak of. Up until now, when I masturbated I thought about my boyfriend and, in particular, his very impressive endowment. I had never felt so straight in my life. I wanted him and only him all the time.

But the last few days have been like I’m on high bi-alert! Last night, I thought of an old female lover when I made love to my boyfriend and I feel guilty about that. I can’t stop thinking about female/female encounters. Every moment I am alone, I am on fire down there and I feel like I am just going to explode. I don’t know what to do.

-Beth

“The last few days”? You’re considering making a change to your happy relationship of three years over a feeling you’ve had for three days?

In that case, I confidently advise you to do nothing.

Masturbation is always a good idea so keep up the good work there. Fantasizing about someone else when having sex with your boyfriend…meh, it isn’t really a betrayal. No need to feel guilty; this ain’t 1984 so we’re safe from the Thought Police. (I mean, I’m sure the NSA knows the minute details of your lurid lady-dreams but you’re probably safe beyond anyone who can invoke the Patriot Act.)

If this bout of horniness really took you that suddenly and severely, you may want to get checked out by your doctor. You didn’t mention your age but could you be pregnant again? Or in menopause? Have you made any recent adjustments to your oral contraceptives? Physiological changes might not affect the content of your sexual longings but they could explain the abrupt overpowering urges.

Acting on these feelings right now is just a bad idea. You’ve got what sounds like a solid relationship with a guy who is unlikely to entertain any form of non-monogamy. If the bi-alert remains on “high” for weeks on end, then you can begin talking to him about your desires and whether you two might revisit the rules of your relationship. But opening it up in any form would require willing participants to be successful (so does monogamy, come to think of it) and based on your letter, I don’t see him reacting favorably to that suggestion. If your tsunami of lust returns to low tide, you’re going to wish you never brought it up.

Bottom line: do nothing, at least for now. I mean, cheese and crackers, you haven’t even given this thing a full week to sort itself out on its own. Just sit with it for a minute.

Louis C.K. expounds upon the virtues of being content with things as they are and also, just, you know, giving it a minute.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 21, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

First, thanks for what you do. This site has been a very calming place for me as I’m trying to make a safe, comfortable place for my 16-year old son to talk to me.

I learned recently, through social media, that he is searching for a gender identity. From what I gather, he feels like a male most all the time, but really wants to have the freedom to be pretty and/or feminine when he chooses, without creating a scene.

Because he cosplays often, people accept his “dressing up” as character role play and he gets a lot of positive attention from it. But the fallback is that he feels no one takes his feminine side seriously.

Unfortunately, I have been unknowingly insensitive in the past when photos of him in a dress, or with makeup on have popped up on Tumblr accounts. I really thought he was just doing it for laughs so I razzed him a bit. Now, I’m afraid he won’t open up, even though I told him that his mom and I love him unconditionally.

I appreciate your insights on taking a deep breath and waiting on his timeline, not mine. I don’t mind his curiosity, but I’m concerned he’s getting his answers from strangers who have speculative knowledge at best and present themselves as “expert.”

One of your articles expressed the frustration out there when trying to get good information. I feel his personality type (sweet and accommodating) is easy prey for a charismatic, self-described “authority.”

In your opinion, do you think the conflicting (or bad) information he collects is more helpful or harmful when it comes to formulating his self image?

-Jack

Jack, people like you are the reason that the rest of us haven’t yet lost hope for this world. You are the raddest of dads. I’m so pleased to hear that this site is helpful to you; it certainly sounds like you’re doing all of the right things…

…except, OK, you ragged on him about the dressing up but you didn’t do it out of malice. You made a mistake. Forgive yourself — literally, right now. Then find a few minutes alone with him to come clean about it: “Listen, I just want you to know that I feel bad for making jokes about the things you wore on Tumblr. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m sorry.” Done and done. Both of you are going to feel a lot better once you clear the air on that front.

As far as bad facts from sketchy characters go, it sounds like your son might benefit from building his critical thinking skills. (Gender issues aside, it’s best not to send any young adult into the wild blue yonder without ensuring those are at the ready.) At the dinner table, make a point to talk about current events in a way that encourages him to question informational sources. Hopefully, he’ll show you that he’s a bit more savvy than you think.

In Rachel Carson’s seminal book on environmentalism, Silent Spring, she advises that the best way to get rid of crabgrass isn’t to drown it in pesticides, it’s to plant regular grass on top of it. And that’s your best bet here, too: provide your son with good information to overpower the bad. You’re hard at work letting him know that he can trust and talk to you — that’s excellent. When he comes to you, you’ll want to be stocked with leafy green knowledge from…

1.) reading Transgender Explained for Those Who Are Not by Joanne Herman, and

2.) attending a few meetings of your nearest PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Gays and Lesbians) chapter specifically for parents of transgender and/or gender variant children.

You’ll want to also gently steer him toward reputable information sources that are interesting to him. If, like dear old Dad, he’s a fan of advice columns, have him take a look at “Ask a Trans Woman” by the wise and uber-compassionate Lorelei Erisis in The Rainbow Times. The backlog of her columns should keep him busy with answers to most of his questions. Lorelei herself recommends the blogs We Happy Trans for easily accessible perspectives, as well as TransAdvocate as a general news source. She adds that trans activist Kate Bornstein’s book, Gender Outlaw, blew her mind when it came out, so she’s confident that Bornstein’s 2010 publication, Gender Outlaw: The Next Generation, could provide a similar experience to your kid. The book has essays, comics, and interviews from a diverse group of trans people…wouldn’t your son be psyched if you left a copy in his room?

Before I sign off, Jack, a caution: if you take these suggestions, you’ll come dangerously close to being “the cool dad.” The kids around town will start talking: “Did you hear that Dana’s dad gave him a copy of the new Gender Outlaw? My father won’t even let me watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.” “I hear that his dad was the one who turned him onto We Happy Trans. Do you think that could even be true?” Shy, gender variant teens will begin to moon around your house, pretending you’re their dad. They’ll hope for perhaps a brief exchange — “Hi, Mr. Rosenthropple.” “Get off my lawn.” — to replay in their minds and spin into legend. Someone will start a Twitter account posting only overheard snippets of your conversations. It will have 37 followers within the first 24 hours. A lone, bold teen will obtain your personal email address through nefarious means and summon her courage to use it to ask you for trans blog recommendations. Your own teenager will no longer seem as embarrassed by your mere existence.

You’ve been warned.
 
Being “the cool dad” is a damned sight better than what “the cool mom” devolved into.
 


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 7, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a woman dating a guy who I think is bisexual. I would ask if he is but I know he would deny it. I am sure he has had sex with a man but considers himself straight. Is there a way to tell whether he is bi?

I have thought about it and doesn’t bother me if he is. I am willing to continue my relationship with him even if he is bisexual. I have had sex with another woman, so I am an open person.

He and I have been together for three years and although he has given me a ring, we don’t say we love each other very often and we hardly ever kiss with tongue. Moreover, we don’t have intercourse much; when we do, it’s doggie style. He is usually hard but not enough for intercourse, so we often have oral sex and he orgasms easily that way.

Is there some way to sexually explore whether he is bisexual without saying anything and alienating him? Are there sexual acts I can try to see how he reacts?

-Theresa

There’s no way to tell if someone is bisexual other than asking them. The sexual activity you describe doesn’t mean anything about his sexuality, and there are no sexual acts that one likes (or doesn’t), performs (or doesn’t), or receives (or doesn’t) that indicate bisexuality. For better or worse, there is no bisexual birthmark.

I wonder: why are you so eager to know? You already know how he identifies and the genders of some of the people he’s slept with, so you practically have your answer already. It sounds like you think bisexuals have to divide their sexual attraction among the genders, thereby diluting it. That’s not how it works, though; even if he is bisexual, that doesn’t have anything to do with how active your sex life is.

If you’re not satisfied with the way you share physical affection, you need to talk to him about it. I know, it’s hard. You’re afraid of scaring him off and making him feel embarrassed. You’re not sure what to say. Theresa, most of us — bisexual or otherwise — have been faced with the task of communicating about sex and have felt the same way you do. But a long term relationship is worth the effort and you might be amazed at the things you find out. What if he’s been thinking this whole time that you don’t want to kiss with tongue? What if he’s on medication that affects his erections? What if he’s been wanting to try new positions but wasn’t sure if you were up for it?

The next time you finish having sex, dive in. Ask him open-ended questions (i.e. questions that don’t have a simple yes/no answer), then tell him some of the things you think you’d like. If you frame it as a fun, physical adventure, he’s sure to want to be the Lewis to your Clark.
 
If you can’t talk to your boyfriend, at least talk to Rick Stratton. He’s begging you.
 


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 24, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

In the dating scene, I encounter a lot of folks who identify as “genderqueer” and reject the label “bisexual.” But I thought bisexuality and gender identity, though related, are definitely not one and the same. Why do queer folks feel the need to put down bisexuality like it’s The Plague?

-Daniel

You’re correct that they are two very different things. “Genderqueer” is a gender identifier in which a person identifies with neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders. “Bisexual” is a sexuality identifier in which a person is attracted to genders similar and dissimilar to their own. I imagine that the daters you’ve run into are unaware that the jury is not still out on whether the word “bisexual” is binary. It isn’t. I addressed the whole issue over the summer; check it out and definitely click on the links. Not sure how your pals missed it but you might want to also let them know that there’s a new Pope, a British royal baby, a civil war in Syria…lemme know if they’ve been living under that rock since before 2013 and I’ll send more updates.

I’d like to focus on your excellent question but in a broader sense: why are we fighting ourselves? It’s strange to me that queers with any sense of minority politics or self-awareness know that putting others down is an ineffective and childish way to legitimize our own identities, and yet we’re still doing it. We know it’s a tool of the majority to turn us against each other, and yet: stiiiill doin’ it. We know that a more powerful faction within our larger group bullied us in the same manner not ten minutes ago, and it wasn’t fair when we were on the wrong end of it, but…YEP, still gon’ do it.

Lately, I look around and think, Why are we telling our allies to shut the hell up? (Pro tip: if you feel like someone needs to hear this message with this level of vitriol, they are not your ally.) If someone is making an effort to understand us, why aren’t we trying harder to meet them where they’re at? Why do we still find it so hard to accept and provide for our people with an intersection of identities? Why are our leaders falling into the same ego-driven power plays, to the detriment of our movement, as so many before them?

Inclusion: this is what we need to strive for in 2014. Let’s lead by example, challenge ourselves to choose compassion over ranting whenever possible, and widen our circle of inclusion to encompass the greatest swath of people who we consider to be “us.” To go full-on Buddha, let’s accept that we are all one inter-being. If we can move even one step closer to this goal by this time next year, that will be 12 months well spent.

And with that, happy holidays, Wild Deuces! See you on the other side. Until then, read this.



© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 10, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I just transferred to a new college and have experienced a huge amount of discrimination by both the straight and the gay communities. As a musical theatre major, I am used to a lot of tolerance. Here, however, I have been told that I must be overly promiscuous, flaky, illegitimate, and a burden to the gay community. I’ve never felt so hurt and alienated.

I am very comfortable with my sexuality and I just want to be able to focus on my career without worrying about labels. I am proud and I want other bisexuals at my university to feel like it is okay to be who they are. Do you have any suggestions for spreading awareness throughout my campus without offending the gay community and becoming a social pariah to the people I support fully? I thought we were all in this together.

-Nell

Nell, ask yourself: “Why would dispelling hurtful myths about my community offend gays?”

Here’s another thing to ponder: why would you fully support those who you think are offended by your very existence?

I’m making two points here. The first is that we need to be ever-vigilant about battling internalized biphobia. By the way you’ve worded your letter, I sense some of that sour thinking is starting to seep into your brain. Stay aware of it and be sure to raze that mess before it hits your heart. We need your spirit to be strong for the challenges ahead!

My second point is something I learned at a (non-physical) self-defense seminar that I took at the Harvey Milk School in San Francisco many years ago: perpetrators are cowards. They seek out victims who will be easy to overpower. Therefore, since everything about my presentation as I walked down the street said, “I’m just trying to get to my destination. I don’t want any trouble,” I was unwittingly making myself the perfect victim to potential aggressors.

I learned that this lesson holds true for any antagonizer. Sending the message “I don’t mean to provoke your ire with who I am” leaves you quite vulnerable to people who have made it clear that they don’t respect you. In a nutshell, you have to know deep down that being bisexual is super cool and let that radiate from your soul. (You can fake it ‘til you make it, though.) Only then will you feel no need to apologize for it.

With that attitude mastered, I’d say it’s time for you to organize. I see that your school doesn’t have an LGBT activity group as one of its intercultural programs. What a fantastic opportunity for you to start one! It can be a conversation group that sometimes does educational projects, too. You’ll get the support you need, give other bisexuals support, and meet lots of lesbians, gays, and trans* folks who are terrific allies to the bi community. You’re going to feel so much better when you find some LGTs who really get you. Trust me, there’s a whole lot of them out there.

Fighting biphobia is tough work and you don’t want to go it alone. We are all in this together — so get together with the other queer peeps at your school and start building that community you envisioned.

Yeah…yeah, you’re RIGHT, Madonna, I’m NOT sorry. And DON’T hang your shit on me. Thank you.

Now get on out there and find your fellow B(ee)s.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 26, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a fourth-year, female college student who recently had sex with a woman for the first time a few weeks ago (my first time kissing a girl, too). For the past year-ish, I’ve realized that I’m attracted to women and have been interested in exploring what it’s like to be involved sexually with them. I discovered it’s AMAZING (!) and I’m fond of the girl who I had sex with.

Here’s the catch: I’ve been dating a guy on and off for four years and we got back together about a week ago because we can’t stand being apart. It became emotionally draining and I needed time apart, but we’ve decided to forget about the past and move on. It’s good. I am totally in love with him, he’s crazy about me, and I cannot imagine my life without him (cliche, I know).

But I realized that I don’t really have an interest in having sex with him like I used to. I loved how I felt with the girl I was sleeping with… it’s a totally different experience. It’s not that I’m not sexually attracted to my boyfriend or that I don’t like being intimate with him, it’s just…I don’t think I’m a fan of his man-part being inside me. He’s very loving but it’s just rougher, for lack of a better word, than being with a woman.

So, basically, what does a young woman do who recently discovered how incredible having sex with women is but is also completely in love with a guy?

-Ghirlwind

I don’t doubt that you’re in love with this guy but I suspect it’s star-crossed. Is your relationship both exhilarating and exhausting? Got those high highs and low lows? Do you ever think, “Why does this have to be so complicated all the time?”

Yep. Star-crossed.

Sometimes you can have history, affection, and commitment with someone but you two still can’t get it together as a couple. You keep returning to him because you believe that you belong together, but maybe it isn’t fate; it’s just hope. And if the nature of your relationship has been push-pull for this long, it’s not going to change. You’re on-and-off for a reason.

I’m telling you all this because I think you should break it off with this guy. Give yourself permission to explore this incredible, electrifying new world of women that you’ve discovered without thinking that it means you don’t love this guy. You do love him, you just can’t un-complicate things with him. Sometimes love is like that.

Plus, if you did remain with him instead of dating women, it wouldn’t really work well right now. You don’t want to have P-in-the-V sex with him. As a straight guy, he probably counts little else under attraction and intimacy.

Senior year is a scary time that drives us to cling to the few stable forces left in our lives. But cutting loose from this perpetual knot of a relationship so you can jump into a sexual adventure is going to be way more fun, doncha think? You say you can’t stay away from him, but I bet your new female lovers will find a way to distract you.

Breaking it off with the guy won’t be fun…

…but what comes next will.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 12, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Sending all my love to the Wild Deuces who caught Bilicious Boston on one of the TWO nights we had it this past weekend. Never forget that bisexuals are everywhere!

Dear Tiggy,

My best friend recently came out as bisexual to me. His sexuality doesn’t make any difference to me and I was very supportive of him since he hasn’t told anyone else.

I would like to give him some sound advice on how to tell his parents because his mother is very…I don’t think “homophobic” is the right word, but she’s not as tolerant as he would like and he’s afraid to tell her.

I suggested perhaps mentioning that I myself am bisexual and seeing how she reacted to that news in order to gauge how she feels about it in general. But I would love to be able to help him out more. He’s my best friend in the whole world and I’m so glad he felt that he could tell me something so personal.

He’s been feeling depressed lately and I’m afraid that’s why. He can’t be honest with the main people in his life.

Any advice?

-Chloe

I’m sure it kills you to see him so down and you want to do whatever it takes to make him happy again, but I don’t think you appreciate what a lifeline you’re already providing to him. You’re a main person in his life and he can be honest with you. How great is that?!

If you’ve ever been to Bilicious, you know that there’s a question and answer period with the performers at the end. At our last show, an audience member asked about how she might come out to her parents. Michael replied that he came out to his father by slipping it into conversation at a family barbecue. He had mentioned his involvement with the Bisexual Resource Center and his father said, “So, what are you, the token straight guy?” And Michael responded, “No, I’m bisexual, hey, can you pass the ketchup, Mom, is there going to be corn on the cob?” Karin suggested that the audience member put a positive spin on it. She broached the topic with her own mother like so: “I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationships with people lately and I’ve discovered a really cool new thing about myself. I’m excited about it and I want to share it with you.”

As you can see, there are various ways to come out and each one is very specific to the parental relationship at hand. That’s why I think you should back away from telling your friend how (and when — does he even want to come out right now?) to tell his mother. It might not be emotionally safe for him to do this now, or with her, or before he does something else, etc. Let him navigate his own path.

I do see where you were going with the “Tell her I’m bi” plan, and there is a certain logic to it, but I don’t think it’s going to be effective. Some parents are OK with everyone being bi…except their own kid. Other parents thoughtlessly rattle off bigoted statements until their kid is personally involved, at which point they realize that their love for their child trumps all of that stuff they thought they believed.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Try to support his choices as he goes through this process. Listen to him. If you’re not sure what to say, ask questions about how he feels so you can listen some more. Listening feels like it’s passive but it makes a tremendous difference. And like I told the Golden Girls, thank you for being a friend, Chloe. It gets better for people like him because of friends like you.

 
It’s about time I pulled this one out.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 29, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I came out as a lesbian to my family and friends four years ago when I was 19. I’ve been thinking that I might be bi for the past few years. I am considering telling my close family and friends but I don’t know how to bring it up or what to say.

-39 Specks

I wish someone would fund the research necessary to determine how many bisexuals first identified (or are in the closet) as lesbian or gay. The fact that it’s very likely equal to the number of those who are “bi now, gay later” – oh, so clever! – might actually quash the insulting rumor of the latter’s prevalence once and for all.

Well, a Wild Deuce can dream.

The experience of many people who have been through this is that if your family and friends didn’t care the first time you came out, they won’t care this time either. That said, you might want to wait until there’s something tangible to tell. Specifically, you might hold off until you have a date with a man. (Don’t wait until you’re ready to bring said male home to meet your parents, though.) That’s the kind of thing you can drop into conversation, like so:

Mom: “What are you up to this weekend?”
You: “I have a date on Saturday. We’re going to the movies.”
Mom: “Oh, where did you meet her?”
You: “Actually, it’s a ‘him.’ I’m still interested in dating women but now I’m finding that I’m interested in dating men, too.”

That’s it. Don’t over-explain. Answer questions as simply as you can when they come up. Essentially, there needs to be little fanfare this time around coming out.

With queer friends, you might be able to naturally introduce this fun new fact about yourself into the convo without the male-date prerequisite. If the topic of how one “identifies” comes up, you can offer, “I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I might start to identify as bisexual.” But please be warned: most people who go through this say that if someone is going to take this badly, it will be a gay or lesbian friend. That’s why you’ll want to start to develop a support system of fellow bisexuals to assure you that our community is here for you as you discover your sexuality. Now’s a good time to check the BiNet map to see where the nearest bi group is.

And if I might make a final request, please, whatever you do, don’t say you’re confused. In fact, Tiggy is hereby declaring a moratorium on calling your bisexual self or some other bisexual “confused.” It’s in every other letter I receive and I’ve had it up to my pink bangs with that word. Virtually none of you are truly confused, you’ve just been brainwashed by society to make this dig against yourself. This is the very definition of internalized biphobia. The majority is really playing you when they’ve got you slinging mud on yourself.

If you’re engaging in any level of scholarship, processing new information and theories, do you consider yourself “confused”? When you’re traveling and exploring a new country, do you write back home to tell everyone how “confused” you are? As you experiment with personal styles, with hobbies, with recreational drugs, are you “confused”?

OK, then.

Personally, I’m much more inclined to call someone who has never once explored any aspect of their sexuality “complacently ignorant” than to call a questioning or bisexual person “confused.” Please remember: when you classify yourself as confused due to either your sexual fluidity or the act of exploring your sexuality, you’re not just denigrating yourself. You’re smearing an entire, sizable community. So enough with the “confused” already, lovebugs. You’re better than that.

 
In honor of 39 Specks’s second coming out, here’s Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 15, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a closeted, mature, bisexual man (in my 40s) who happened to meet another closeted, mature, bisexual man. We get along well and care for one another. I think I may be falling in love with him, which scares me.

Since we are both new at this, we’re still finding out things about being bisexual. We have been intimate, kissed and held one another passionately, and enjoyed ourselves. We do lots of things together including going out to dinners and movies. When we’re in the car, I will reach out and kiss him sometimes but I’ve noticed that he’s a bit reluctant to kiss back, sometimes even if we’re alone at home. He always kisses me back but he seems a little uncomfortable with it. I asked him and he said “I’m not used to kissing another guy.” I replied, “I’m not either but I enjoy kissing you.”

He says he’s still getting used to this other part of himself. As for his family, he was brought up by a verbally and physically abusive father and barely shakes hands with his brothers when he sees them after a long period. He’s never been married and is in his 40s, and is a conservative religious guy with preconceived ideas about people of different sexual orientations. He says to me, “It feels so right when I’m with you but I’m still uncomfortable about kissing another guy.”

I hate this…why would I fall for an emotionally unavailable guy? Should I just break this up before I get myself in trouble? I think I love him.

-Brook

The poor guy is suffering from a terrible case of internalized biphobia. I believe most queer people have internalized our society’s LGBT antipathy to some degree but this appears to be a tough case with possible aggravating factors including his political, religious, and family influences.

You sound like a caring, sympathetic, all-around sweet person; he’s lucky to have you. I suggest you find either a group for or a therapist who specializes in men addressing sexuality issues. You likely won’t find bi-specific help (which is a bit worrisome because others might try to convince you/him that you’re not really bi but gay) but I actually think it might be more important to find one that suits your ages and perhaps his religion.

I think you should find this therapist or group and go once before bringing it up with him. Explain to him that you’re going because you don’t want to feel conflicted around him anymore and that you just want to be happy. Tell him that you’d feel better if he went with you, but then give him a bit of time to decide whether he will or not. I believe setting it up like this is your best chance of getting him the emotional help he needs.

If he refuses to accompany you at first, go alone. Although this exercise is mostly for him, you could use a little sorting out, too, right? Perhaps you could focus on your reasons for being closeted, or on why you have fallen for someone emotionally unavailable. (The question alone shows your keen introspection. Unfortunately, the answer is so complex that I could never deduce it from just a letter.)

Don’t give up on him yet, Brook. You might love this guy. I think that trying to overcome some of your internalized biphobia together might be a watershed moment for this beautiful relationship.

 
This one goes out to Brook’s guy. Don’t let the haters get into your head.


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.