Settle in, Wild Deuces, for another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!
Dear Tiggy,
Today I was called a “miserable dyke” by someone who doesn’t even know I’m bi. No one but strangers on the Internet do.
Do you have any suggestions on how to cope with such negative energy and finding the courage to come out even if people won’t accept me?
-Bi Girl
To be honest, one thing I’ve learned from being bisexual is that feeling hated is actually rather freeing. When it seems that you can’t please anyone, there’s not a thing stopping you from doing what you know to be right for yourself. Evidently, people are going to call you a dyke whether they know you’re queer or not. Under circumstances like that, you might as well come out on your own terms.
It’s understandable to want to wait until you think the world is ready to accept you before you come out. Unfortunately, depending on your immediate environment and where you set the bar for acceptance, your current wait time is somewhere between exceedingly long and forever. Better, I think, to come out when it’s more comfortable to be out than not.
When you make friends who are queer, socializing with and supporting each other, it starts to feel like more of a hassle to be closeted. When you date someone special and want the world to know — as does ze* — coming out begins to look attractive. As these people become a part of your life, you begin to internalize the good things about being LGBT, and you’re suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of hiding an authentic facet of yourself that isn’t bad at all.
If you feel the comfort scale tip to the other side of the closet door, that’s when it’s time. You have a lot of agency in making that happen. Reach out to the bi community and give us a chance to reach back.
Dear Tiggy,
I have been in a same-sex relationship for three years; my mother does not approve. However, I have been able to keep my love life and my family life separate.
Now that I am 31 years old (i.e. not getting any younger!), it is getting to me that these two parts of my life have almost no interaction. It feels like a juggling act that has been going on for way too long.
My dilemma is, I love my girlfriend but I also love my mother. I have trouble swallowing the usual advice that I get – “It’s your life and you should do what you want” – because I want my mother in my life just as much as my girlfriend.
Should I sacrifice my relationship with my girlfriend? I am attracted to guys as well, and figure I would be able to eventually find someone. But I don’t want to regret my decision later. I know there isn’t a clear cut answer on this one but…HELP!
-KT
Quite a different situation from our friend above, and yet the advice holds. You’ve kept your worlds discrete so far because it’s the least unpleasant choice among your admittedly less-than-ideal options. Or it was. It sounds like your life isn’t very pleasant anymore.
In your position, the partner is typically a main driver in bringing the situation to a head because ze refuses to be treated like a dirty little secret. Many times, the onus is on them to make the closeted one uncomfortable because otherwise nothing will change. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend has pressured you in that way, though. It makes me sad to see you describing your relationship with her as if it were disposable. I wonder if she senses that you feel that way and that’s why she hasn’t pushed you to intermingle your worlds.
If you do break up with her, I think you might be surprised at how little control you have over falling in love again. You may well fall for another woman; then what will you do? And even if you connect with a man or stay single, that pain of not being able to be your whole self with your mother may always be there.
In the same way that your girlfriend might not have enough faith in your relationship to push you to come out to your family, I think you might not be confident that your mother loves you enough to remain in your life if you’re out. That, too, makes me sad.
I think you need to reframe this in your mind: it isn’t a choice between your girlfriend and your mother. This is much bigger than that. It’s between living your life with integrity vs. having to contort yourself to keep someone’s love. It’s about giving your mother an opportunity to love the real you. I think you need a therapist to help you through these feelings, preferably one who specializes in bi clients and/or family dynamics. They can help you decide how uncomfortable is enough.
*gender-neutral pronoun
It’s OK to say “when”.
Let the Four Tops give it to you like this, Bi Girl.
I recently discovered that I’m bisexual. However, I live in Pakistan. Here, sexuality is hardly discussed and, in many cases, considered taboo. I want to know more about myself and my sexuality. Can you please advise me on how to do that in a safe, open way?
-Nora
Yes: read! This column from a couple years ago suggests bi magazines (print and online) and Facebook pages. Allow me to add to the list Bisexual Bloggers’ Facebook page which connects you to some excellent electronic reading material. And if you like Tumblr, you’re in luck: bisexual scholar and author of Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution Shiri Eisner created quite a rundown of bi Tumblr blogs to follow. Note that one of them is Bisexual Books, which will give you even more to read. (Although Shiri somehow left off the best Tumblr blog of all — You Might Be A Bisexual — I am willing to convict her of mere temporary insanity when she finally throws herself on the mercy of the Upland court.)
But the thing I’d most like you to read, the tome that’ll knock your bisexual socks off, is an anthology called Getting Bi edited by Robyn Ochs and Sarah Rowley. The book consists of over 200 personal essays from bisexuals on what it feels like to be one of us. The authors come from 42 different countries (!) and offer a wide range of experiences and feelings, so I have no doubt that you’ll find multiple stories that resonate with you. It is incredibly validating to read this book and feel that connection to fellow bisexuals around the world.
At some point, you’ll want to get out of the library and meet other bisexuals in person. These readings will give you tips on how others have done that, even in places like Pakistan. Until then, get to surfing and hitting the stacks!
Dear Tiggy,
I identify as a bisexual but I am not completely sure whether I am, seeing as I have only had sex with men. I messed around with women when I was younger and enjoyed it but still have yet to have sex.
I guess my question is: will I know whether I’m bi after I have sex with a woman? Or am I already?
-Bryan
P.S. I’m from Texas and, yeah, homophobia ERRVERYWHERE.
I really don’t think having sex with a woman will help you know any more than you know now. It might give you a bit more confidence, but in a “Dumbo’s feather” kind of way. And even that’s not guaranteed.
Generally speaking, having sex to prove something is a bad reason to do it. Consider the feelings of your would-be lady lover: do you think she’ll enjoy knowing that you shared a sexual experience with her solely to “qualify” as a bisexual? Probably not, eh?
Also: would that prove it? If you read the post from last bi-week, you’ll see that I disagreed with the letter writer’s predatory friend on this very idea. Wouldn’t it just make you the guy who only had sex with a woman to prove he wasn’t totally gay? And wouldn’t that fact make you seem…more gay? Additionally, I imagine you’d soon decide that this event wasn’t enough “proof” because now you’re the guy who only had sex with a woman once. Where does that slippery slope end?
Plenty of people don’t have sex with partners who are complementary to their sexuality — or do have sex with partners who aren’t — but it doesn’t change who they are. One’s sexual identity is complex and nuanced, far moreso than anything that can be determined with a simple litmus test; that’s why you’re the only one who can identify yourself.
If you want to feel like a real bisexual, I have a much better idea than a fleeting romp: read Robyn Ochs’s other anthology, Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men. You’ll find bunches of men who are just like you, as well as others who have had different experiences but consider themselves no less bi than the next bi guy. Join the rest of us on pins and needles until the book is published this September. I promise it’ll be worth it.
I am a 27-year-old male and never thought about being gay or bisexual. I always said I have no problem if someone else is as long as they are happy.
About three months ago, I met a psychic who insists that I am bisexual. (She herself is bi.) I tend to overthink so, for a month, I ruminated on this and was in a serious depression. I tried my best to remember my thoughts and feelings on sexuality throughout the years and nothing made sense.
I spoke to a friend who is married with a child and says he is bi. This guy admits to having a crush on me for years. I’ve tried to be a good friend to him because he’s had a hard life. His solution and only solution to my sexuality dilemma is that I have to try sex with another man.
As far as I know, I’ve never been attracted to a guy in that way — i.e. never said that a guy is hot, never wanted to kiss a man, etc. My friend said he went through the same thing and I must try it because rationalizing it doesn’t work. I was very close to trying it because I kept thinking about it…it was basically stuck in my brain. I would look at guys trying to see if I’m attracted to them, I looked at gay porn, I did almost everything to determine whether I like sex with men, except trying it. I was on the verge of suicide because it bothered me so much and I’ve been a bit depressed lately.
I am going to a therapist now and I’m doing much better. I do believe I’m straight. I have a girlfriend who is trying to help me through this. We were talking about getting married and having children before all this but I held up that process because this needed to be dealt with. I love her, and I’ve had prior relationships and sex with women which I enjoyed.
I’m seeking an unbiased opinion. I’ve thought about being with a man so much that I almost thought I am bi but I have no attraction to men. When I talk to my friend, he seems to mean well but I get really depressed so I blocked all contact with him.
His reasons for knowing I am bisexual are as follows:
I used to flirt with him (I cannot remember this)
I help my mother
I do not sleep around with women even though I have the opportunity
I do not wear my pants down by my butt
I have gay coworkers that I get along with
I looked at gay porn to see if I had a response
What is your opinion? Thank you so much.
-Mason
There is nothing in this list or your letter that even remotely indicates that you are bisexual. In fact, to say that any of these bulleted items have to do with sexual orientation is absurd.
Keeping in mind that depression and anxiety are different sides of the same coin, it’s possible that your depression triggered obsessive behaviors surrounding your anxiety toward bisexuality. A column I wrote this past spring may shed more light on that for you. It might also be that the thing you’re really anxious about is that your relationship is on its way to marriage and kids. Perhaps you subconsciously transferred the object of your worries to your sexuality in order to have an excuse to put the wedding on hold. In any case, I have to tell you, Mason: I’m a little bit worried about you, buddy. Not for anything having to do with sexuality, but because you seem to be highly suggestible and it’s left you vulnerable to nefarious characters.
Take, for example, this psychic you visited. I don’t believe in psychics but I’m hoping that in time, you will agree with me that at least this particular one is a charlatan. I’m not sure what she even gets out of convincing you that you’re bisexual — maybe camaraderie, if she has no fellow bisexual friends? Or a guaranteed repeat-customer, because she thinks you’ll keep coming back to see what other unlikely things she’ll divine for you? Regardless, you have logic on your side (e.g. you’ve never been attracted to men) while all she has is a “vision,” which anyone can make up. And yet, you doubted yourself.
Worse still is this so-called friend who is preying on you with the obvious motive of having sex with you. He says he’s into you, he gives the most cockamamie reasons I’ve ever heard to “prove” your bisexuality, and insists that the only way you’ll know your sexuality for sure is — surprise! (not!) — to have sex with him. This selfish schemer is more transparent than the damned Windex factory…and yet, once again, you doubted yourself.
I certainly don’t wish for you to transform into a crusty old cynic but people who haven’t honed their critical thinking skills are often chosen as marks by domineering individuals bent on exploitation. A post on the blog Band Back Together discusses what psychological manipulation looks like and the characteristics of people typically targeted. Take a look…would you say any of these apply to you?
A desire to please and earn the approval and acceptance of others
Naivete (the victim doesn’t want to believe that anyone is cunning or ruthless and may be in denial of own victimhood)
A fear of negative emotions
Over-internationalization (believing what the manipulator says to be true, which can result in self-doubt or shame)
Excessive empathy (the victim tries really hard to understand the point of view of the manipulator and believes the manipulator has a justifiable reason to be hurtful)
Over-conscientiousness (victim is too willing to give the manipulator the benefit of the doubt)
Low self-confidence (victim lacks the ability to say no, doubts themselves, lacks confidence)
Emotional dependency (the victim has a dependent or submissive personality)
Low emotional skills (when the victim does not understand his or her emotional self well, they misinterpret feelings)
It might be helpful if you and your therapist concentrated on this rather than on your sexuality. If you’re so inclined, pick up a copy of what Skeptic magazine called a critical thinking classic: Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Thomas E. Kida. It will help you avoid people like your “friend” who is playing mind games with you to get you into bed.
If I haven’t been clear enough yet: that guy is not your friend. He’s a jerk and you should stay far, far away from him, I don’t care how hard his life has been. I’m sad that two of the bisexuals you’ve met so far have been rather sinister, but I swear on a stack of elegant coffeetable books that most of us are kind and delightful.
Trust yourself, Mason. You have more of the answers than you think.
Puppeteers, be gone with your strings! Tiggy banishes you with three magic words.
Oh, Wild Deuces, do I have some fun for you this bi-week. Instead of answering the latest question all by my lonesome, I’ve teamed up with Lorelei Erisis, a bisexual trans woman who is the brains and beauty behind the Ask A Trans Woman column in the Rainbow Times! Dust off your ear trumpet and listen in on our conversation about this bi cis woman and her trans girlfriend…
Dear Tiggy,
I hate to ask the age old “Am I bisexual if…” question, because I know I’m the only person who can answer that for myself, but here goes.
When I was younger, I was emotionally/romantically attracted to boys, but rarely felt sexually attracted to them. My friends would talk about how “hot” certain guys were and I just never got it. However, I’ve always felt emotionally/romantically and somewhat sexually attracted to girls, though in the past I didn’t understand these feelings and didn’t talk about them.
In high school, I started dating. I ended up dating this one guy for two years, and I really loved him, but I never felt a sexual attraction toward him. I just wanted to snuggle and maybe kiss. I felt guilty for not wanting to take things further because I know it hurt him. I guess now I realize I couldn’t control that.
A while after we broke up, I started dating someone else. After a few months of dating, my new “boyfriend” came out to me as a trans girl (who isn’t out to everyone/hasn’t started transitioning yet). I actually asked her and knew for a while before that, but when I knew for sure, I felt so happy!
We’re still together, and I’m very much in love with this girl. This is the first time a relationship has felt right for me, and I can’t help but wonder if part of that is because she’s a girl, or if it’s just because we’re good for each other in general. I have a hard time imagining myself with a guy now or in the future, not because I don’t think I have the capacity to love them romantically, but because that guy would have to be willing to keep sex to a minimum.
Is it still worth identifying as bisexual if I lean so much toward one side of the spectrum? Would it hurt my girlfriend’s feelings, who still hasn’t started transitioning yet, if I told her I was lesbian? I am very attracted to her and I think she’s beautiful, even if just by her mere spirit and femininity alone. And is it possible for sexuality to change over time, or does sexuality stay the same throughout life? Is it wrong for me to say that experience has shaped my sexuality?
~J
TU: Hi, Lorelei! Are you ready?
LE: Yeah, fo’ shizz. Let’s lesbian! (That’s a verb meaning “discuss.”)
TU: Hee! OK, so since I, Tiggy Upland, am cis, I wonder if you’ll indulge me as I posit how her girlfriend might respond to her identifying as a lesbian. Then you can tell me, O Wise Trans Woman, whether I’ve totally missed the mark. Up for it?
LE: The Wise and Powerful Trans Woman will answer your query!
TU: MOST EXCELLENT. So, I feel like everyone in this world just wants to be seen. We want to be acknowledged and, ideally, appreciated for how we really are. It hurts when we’re seen incorrectly or not at all. So for the letter-writer (LW) to say, “I’m a person who loves and is attracted to only women, and I love and am attracted to you” to her girlfriend who is just on the cusp of transitioning…I mean, I have to think that the girlfriend would feel really loved for who she is. Is that on point or maybe not?
LE: Yeah, I think that’s very on the mark. For a transwoman to have her cis lover identify as a lesbian can be very affirming. Personally, I don’t think the LWs girlfriend would very much object to the LW identifying as a lesbian because, well, they both identify as women. So, “lesbians” is fine.
TU: Generally speaking, lesbians is always fine. Particularly, fine lesbians.
LE: When I came out and began my transition, I was in a long-term relationship with a cis woman and I sort of kept finding myself being identified as a lesbian by default.
TU: Oh, interesting. Were you OK with that or not really?
LE: Well, I never really considered myself a lesbian. But it didn’t bother me either.
TU: You’re so easy-going. It’s hard to use you as a litmus test for whether behavior is offensive because The Erisis Way is just water off a duck’s back, baby.
LE: What was fun was to watch people’s reactions go from, “OMG, a giant trans woman!” to “Sweet Jaysus, she’s a lesbian, too!”
TU: People’s reactions are often the funniest part about life.
LE: Definitely. It’s one of the things I enjoy most. Now, of course, there is the issue of bisexual erasure. People identified me as a lesbian, but I identified as pansexual/bisexual and very, very queer.
TU: Well, here’s the tricky part of this letter: I wonder whether the LW is bi, only because she is wondering whether she’s bi. So is this really a case of bi erasure?
LE: Oh, possibly not. I think she’s actually acknowledging her journey more than anything else.
TU: I agree. You’ll notice that she didn’t want to give me the ol’ “Tiggy, tell me whether I’m bi” gambit because she knows that I’m going to say, “Only you know that.”
LE: Preach! I know my own sexuality has changed radically over the years.
TU: Oh, let’s dig into that part of the letter: whether your sexuality can change, and whether it’s OK to publicly acknowledge that if that’s your experience. I think this philosophy is often seen as a ticking time bomb because it’s a slippery slope from “My sexuality changed” to “I can change my sexuality” to “I can change from queer to straight.”
LE: Politically, it’s a very slippery slope. Personally, I think that attraction and sexual preferences are incredibly complex and subject to a whole host of influences.
TU: I feel about it the same way I feel about God, the universe, etc. (I’m UU/agnostic): I don’t know how it all works and neither does anyone else.
LE: For me, I have found that the best way to assure I will find myself attracted to a type of person is to swear I would never be into that type of person!
TU: Ha, oh that’s so true.
LE: I was raised UU and I’m a practicing Discordian. My goddess, Eris, likes little more than to mess with what I think I know for absolute sure.
TU: She must be my goddess, too, then. Well, so, what’s the truth? Is it some people’s truth that their actual sexuality changes? And if so, can we control that? Is it “wrong” to admit that?
LE: I have personally found very little success in intentionally trying to change who I am attracted to. I think it is some people’s truth that their sexuality changes and I don’t think it’s wrong to admit that.
TU: It can be a very threatening concept to monosexuals.
LE: Yes. People like to think everything is all laid out and neat. Done. Determined. Figured out. Not subject to change. Because change is scary.
TU: Perhaps a dynamic sexuality is a fact of life for some people, but not something that we can harness. [pause] I sure do hate a difficult harness.
LE: Yessssssss. I hate a difficult harness, too!
TU: [snicker] We’re terrible.
LE: Mwuahahahahhahahahahaaaa! But really, I think if you can be open to a dynamic sexuality, it can really be a wonderful thing.
TU: As much as I say that only you can determine your sexuality….well, she did ask, so I’m going to take the liberty of saying that maybe her sexuality hasn’t changed. In carefully reading the letter, one could make a case that she’s been homosexual but biromantic her whole life.
LE: Good call, Tiggy! So the only thing that has changed is who her partner is. And her partner is a woman; she just happens to be a trans one.
TU: I had a good friend who seemed to have a major personality change around the time when we were 18. I came to the conclusion that she actually hadn’t “changed,” she just expanded a part of her personality that I hadn’t noticed as much — or had ignored — before. Maybe that’s what’s happening with the LW: a part of her just became more prominent or developed.
LE: We show different faces to the world as we move through life. I was always Lorelei Erisis but I’ve worn different faces.
TU: I’m not necessarily saying that one’s sexuality can’t change. I’m just offering a theory that maybe hers didn’t become something different so much as her relationship brought out pieces that were always there.
LE: Indeed. Her relationship has allowed her to make new discoveries about what was already inside of her. I’m also guessing from the chronology that the LW is fairly young. At around that age, I had a lot of discoveries about my own self still many years down the line. I’m not saying she will change, but that she might. There is still a lot of life ahead for her.
TU: Of course, the feelings of so many young bisexuals are often dismissed because of their age/sexuality. But I think we’re just saying that there’s more to uncover. So, would you tell this LW how to identify? I still think I can’t but if you want to, give it a shot.
LE: Heh. Surrrrrrrrre! I would tell her that if “lesbian” resonates with her, to go with that. Labels, at least for me, aren’t all that bad. They are just a filter for understanding ourselves as we are in this moment. If she feels different down the line, she can change her identity as often as her clothes, if that’s what works for her.
TU: I had a column a while back that said your sexual identity is like a favorite shirt. If it doesn’t fit after a while, just get a new shirt!
LE: Oooooohhh, I love getting new clothes!
TU: Of course, some prefer to go topless and that’s valid, too. Rest assured, I will always validate toplessness.
LE: Some things find solidity in our lives. Who I’m attracted to has changed; that I value kindness has not.
TU: Some things are not at all dynamic, like my love of topless friends. Actually, this might be a good point to make a public service announcement: some folks fear that since they’re attracted to unhealthy people now, they always will be. And I’m here to say that is definitely something that changes as you grow as a person.
LE: Definitely.
TU: And thank goodness. And thank Eris.
LE: Hail Eris indeed!
TU: Yeah! Have we left anything out of the letter that we should address? Perhaps you have some final strokes of brilliance?
LE: I would tell the LW to enjoy the moment of being in love with her trans girlfriend. Try on the identity of “lesbian” if that is what resonates with you. Be in the moment. And if it all changes later on, then that’s okay, too.
TU: That’s so great. Yes, be in love! Get lost in the swirling vertigo of connecting with a fellow human. So rare, so ubiquitous, so unique, so yours. Hug her in the summer sun.
LE: Isn’t that what all this is all about anyway? Being alive and loving and experiencing and tasting the whole thing that life has to offer!
TU: You know, you shouldn’t have made this chat so fun because I’m going to insist that we do this again at some point. Until then, I’m going to be jealous of your long, luxurious hair from afar.
LE: I think that’s a glorious idea! My hair appreciates your jealousy. Slainte!
My ultimate vision for a collaboration with Lorelei is a queer version of “Girlfriends” talk show in which I’m the Morgan and she’s the Kyra, naturally.
I am 19 years old. A couple months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was her first homosexual relationship and she has never had a boyfriend. It’s funny because she always said she was bisexual without having had a relationship with a guy.
How can I know if I was just an experience for her? Does she prefer men or women? How can I get back with her? She herself sometimes rejects things about her sexuality.
-Melisa
Well, now you’ve done it. You’ve infuriated Tiggy.
First, I offer you a lesson on what is and is not “funny.” Funny is Maria Bamford’s Sophisticated Lady voice. Funny is Brian Regan’s emergency room bit. Funny is Dave Atell, in a Not At All Safe For Work, Oh-Ho, Not Nearly way. These things are very amusing. There is nothing at all amusing about someone telling you that they identify as bisexual but have never had a relationship with a person of a particular gender. This information is not a knee-slapper.
Perhaps you meant not “funny-ha-ha” but “funny-weird.” In this case, too, you have misjudged. This kind of “funny” best describes when you’re at work and you go to the bathroom, mostly because you’re bored but also because it’s 10:00 a.m. and that’s when you usually take your morning constitutional anyway, and you sit down and wait for the person in the other stall to finish up and leave before you “meditate on your high-fiber diet,” as it were, because she was there first and that’s the rule, and of course she takes four hours at the sink, just GO, and after you do your thing while thinking, “Do I surf the internet too much at work? I’m an awful person,” you turn around to flush with your foot, but you see your poop is a bit…green. Why is it greenish?
Well, that’s funny.
Then you remember that you had blue chip nachos the night before. Crisis averted. [flush]
But being bisexual and never having had a relationship with someone of a certain gender is not odd, or even interesting. Many people of all sexualities know what sorts of people attract them before they have relationships. If you are under the impression that she needs to have a relationship with people of at least two different genders to prove to herself, the world, and you that she is bisexual, alas, you are wrong again. Bisexuality needs no validation.
Moving on: you ask whether she prefers men or women. Your ex-girlfriend prefers men, women, and probably other genders as well. That’s what it is to be bisexual. To be honest, there are many things in this world that I do not understand without a thorough discussion during which I might ask several clarifying questions. Friends the world over are experts in subjects with which I have, at best, a passing acquaintance. I remind myself of this when I am asked to explain something to another who is just being introduced to a concept that I have known for many years. But for the life of me, I cannot fathom what is so hard for some people to understand about the basic idea of bisexuality. It’s when a person has romantic and/or sexual feelings for people who are the same gender and different genders from him/herself. You know what it isn’t? Rocket science.
As for just being an experience for her, you might know if she gave you any indication that you were just an experience for her. Her bisexuality is no such indicator. And I’m sure she does reject things about her sexuality. When she is bombarded day in and day out with bitter messages against her identity that range from disheartening to disgusting, even from the people in life who she most hoped would support her — like her girlfriend — then it’s nigh on impossible to prevent the infection of internalized biphobia. Being treated according to stereotypes instead of as a human being can wear on a gal.
In a conversation with an artist friend a few months back, I said that I loved public art but had such trouble interpreting it because there were no curators to help me. She explained that I needed to participate more, to actively bring to the table my thoughts and feelings on the piece. It was an A-ha Moment for me, and it made me aware of other instances in which people wanted answers to the mysteries of life without having to lift a finger. In your case, you took the initiative to write to me but did you read any other Ask Tiggy letters to get some sense of bisexuality? Did you read anything on the Bisexual Resource Center website? These questions are rhetorical, as you would never have written the letter above if you made even a small effort to understand.
I don’t know if you can get your girlfriend back because you’ve told me exactly nothing about your relationship, save for your belief that its negatives all hinge on her bisexuality. Armed with no other knowledge, I can only wager a guess that your girlfriend left to find a partner who isn’t prejudiced against her. If you care about her, you won’t try to get her back; I suspect she deserves better than what you’ve shown her so far. If you care about your future girlfriends, some of whom might be bisexual, you’ll click above where it says “Back to the BRC Website” and read up.
I’m about to face an issue that lots of LGBT people have to deal with: college and, more specifically, dorm rooms.
I’m going to the University of Miami in the fall and I already know who my roommate will be. She is so awesome and we really hit it off. My worry is coming out to her. I would really like to have a girlfriend and that’s not something I want to have to hide from her.
I’m not out to anyone else at all. Also, my roommate lives in Shanghai which supposedly is not an LGBT-friendly place. (I don’t know if that’s true or if it matters.) My question is: how do I come out to her? Do I do it now or do I wait until she knows me better? Do I do it by having a long serious conversation or do I just say, “Hey, by the way, I’m bi?”
-Jessica
Congratulations on getting into U. Miami and soon embarking on the exciting adventure that is higher education! It bodes well for the upcoming year that you and your roommate are already getting along.
Let’s get the Shanghai thing out of the way first: it’s too hard to tell what she might think about having a female bisexual roommate based just on that. In general, the signs are good: Shanghai is a gigantic, multicultural city — I’m talking almost three times as big as NYC with more than twice the number of ethnicities — so residents are used to mixing it up with a pile of different people. There are lots of variables here, though: Is she from Shanghai proper or the suburbs? Does how she feel about queer men differ from how she feels about queer women? What are her thoughts on bisexuals specifically, as opposed to gays? This sociopsychological experiment is getting too complicated for the Upland Research Lab, so we’ll just figure that she’s a bit more cosmopolitan than the average bear and that’s probably a good thing.
I’m sorry to report that there’s no one “correct” way to come out to ensure a good response. But if you’re asking what I would do in your shoes…
Wait until she knows you, but don’t wait too long. If she already knows and likes you as a person, I believe she’ll be more likely to accept any traits attached to you. I think telling her a week after you’ve moved in together would give you both time to enjoy the rush of new experiences and bond with each other while demonstrating that you addressed this in a timely manner.
Throw out some flags that could prompt an organic conversation. Ask her if she’s OK with you putting a “Safe Space” pink triangle sticker near your door, put some bisexual buttons on your bulletin board or your bag, write “Going to the LGBT Center, BRB” on your dry erase board, etc. These actions will also make it easier to generally be “out” right when you start college.
If you bring it up, don’t act like you’re telling her you have cancer. If none of the above signs result in her approaching the topic, you should do so yourself about a week in. Pick a time when you’re alone and not rushing around; studying together in your room one afternoon should provide a good opportunity.
Accept that you’re going to be nervous and you’ll execute the whole thing in a rather ham-fisted manner — that’s OK. It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be done. Start with something like, “Hey, so, there’s something interesting about me that I wanted to share with you.” Try to sound upbeat.
Tell her what “bisexual” means to you. You can say, “I identify as bisexual,” and then, “That means…” and tell her what that means to you. Perhaps: “I’m open to dating people of any gender, not just guys.” You might want to use Robyn Ochs’s definition or, if that’s too complicated to memorize and deliver, just post it in your room somewhere for reference.
Tell her what this means for her. You can say, “I wanted you to know so you aren’t taken by surprise if I go on a date with a woman, for example.” You could also head off her fears at the pass and provide a little comic relief by saying, “By the way, although you are obviously the most intriguing and beautiful woman in the world, I understand that you are not interested in women in a romantic way, so I’ve decided not to attempt to mate with you. You’re welcome.”
Let her know where you’re coming from. You can tell her that she’s the first person you’ve come out to. That will alert her that you’re a bit vulnerable while also conveying that you trust and respect her.
Find community support. You might want to check out SpectrUM meetings right away. It will feel much better to say, “Alright, you guys, I’m planning on coming out to my roommate tomorrow, wish me luck!” to a group that can respond, “Here’s how I did it. We’re here for you no matter how she reacts. You got this!” If you feel that you can trust your R.A., you could also tell her in advance.
Nothing left to do but jump in with both feet, Jessica. You can do this! Good luck and please let us know how it goes.
It’s been over seven years since I came out to my mom the first time but I feel like I went through the stress of coming out for nothing.
Noticed I said that I came out “the first time”? We talked about it that day and briefly afterwards, but it’s now as though that conversation never happened. I feel as though I’m constantly coming out to her, or even that I’m still closeted. I understand that it can be hard to adjust to a child coming out, and it’s been easy to ignore because I’ve only had relationships with men since, but she rarely acknowledges that I ever said anything about liking women.
About two years after coming out, when I mentioned some sort of support meeting (it might have been PFLAG) her response was, “I thought we were done with this.” When finding my book of pin-up models, she asked why I had it. Seven years is a long time to keep fighting for recognition, never mind the times I don’t make a comment because I don’t feel like I’m “out enough” to say it.
Is there anything I can do so that I don’t have to keep coming out over and over again? I don’t want to have gone through all of that only to still feel closeted.
-Luna
You want your mom to accept you for what you are and not expect you to change at some point. In order to keep your sanity, you have to do that for her.
Accept that she can’t handle your bisexuality, doesn’t want to talk about it, and will go so far as to push you into engaging in her preferred reality for you. This is who she is now, maybe forever. I don’t know whether you ever had a relationship with her in which you could openly talk about who you’re dating, but you need to come to grips with the fact that you don’t now. In this way, you can protect yourself from the utter exhaustion of constant contention. (Meanwhile, be sure to join/build a community with bisexuals and allies with whom you can share your entire self.)
At the same time, answer her directly when she prods you. “Where are you volunteering on Sunday?” gets “A PFLAG meeting.” “Why is this pin-up book here?” gets “Why wouldn’t it be?” “I thought we were done with this” gets “I will never be ‘done’ with being bisexual.” You’ll feel better about yourself if you don’t actively enable her to “forget” that you’re bisexual. She’ll learn pretty quickly that if she goes digging for it, she’ll strike gold every time.
Likewise, if she notices that there’s some distance between you two and asks about it, tell her directly that she seems uncomfortable talking about your activities having to do with bisexuality (or sexual identity, or dating in general, etc. – wherever you choose to draw the line), so you don’t talk about them anymore. It should become clear to her that her attempts to police your sexuality only serve to limit your shared relationship.
It’s critical, though, that you don’t do any of this in the hopes of forcing her hand. Do not anticipate your mom giving you the relationship you want with her. If you don’t want her to prompt you to change, you owe her the same respect. The goal of setting these boundaries should be to keep your self-esteem intact as a bisexual person. I applaud your patience, Luna, and hope you know that the worldwide family of Wild Deuces will always recognize you as one of our pack.
In honor of the above-described Bisexual Groundhog Day Effect, I present to you “Round and Round.” (Yes, of course a bisexual advice column is featuring the video of the greatest hit from ’80s hair band, Ratt.) Please enjoy a cameo appearance by heterosexual drag queen, Milton Berle.
OK look, I know it was SO cool when Betsy Ross sewed the first one back in 1998 B.C. or whenever, and they’re flown proudly at, well, mostly just at Pride. And on some cool bi resource websites and all. And I totally have a key chain with the bi flag and everything!
But seriously, if the point of these colors is to raise awareness and be visible and create unity and yada-yada-yada, I wonder if it isn’t time to at least face the questions: Has the bi flag flopped? And if so, what else, if anything, should we do? I think the fact that they totally haven’t caught on outside of a small faction within a small segment within a little slice of those who identify as any kind of non-binary indicates that, well, they might actually be contributing to our continued invisibility within the LGBT community, and confusion within our mainstream culture.
I feel like either the marketing game needs to be amped up on “Old Bi Glory,” or something new needs to be created. Personally? I’m in favor of creating unity by using the rainbow flag, but making that important differentiation by having a niftily font-ized “B” inside it. Heck, maybe the B inside the rainbow could be the old bi colors just for whimsy. Or something like that. Something that creates unity and uniqueness simultaneously.
I’m certainly not trying to undo great work, or re-invent the wheel, but I think it might be worth at least talking about, because it’s getting annoying explaining it to other bisexuals who — and I’m honestly really good at selling things and getting people excited about stuff — are not all that enthused about it at all (or they nose huff a little and say, “Oh. Interesting. Never knew that,” like it was some kind of ancient trivia in no way connected to their life).
What do you think about the flag and its continued viability, Tiggy?
-365
“Vexillology.” Isn’t that a fantastic word? Let’s engage in a little, yes? Safely, of course. [Dons full-body condom/Soundsuit] These Soundsuits by artist Nick Cave may not be 100% effective as prophylactics but they are top of the line in the fight against unfabulousness.
Flags come from heraldry, when families bore a coat of arms for self-protection, and were first used for military coordination on battlefields. They allow a clan of any sort a representation of their history and future. Sports flags indicate rule-breaking, cautions/alerts, or ball possession. Buddhists string prayer flags in the Himalayas to bless the countryside. You may think that flags that simply represent a population really aren’t meaningful anymore but let me ask you: do you feel something when you see someone burn your nation’s flag? How about when you see it flown at half mast? Upside down? A flag’s symbolism still crackles and smolders even among the ostensibly apathetic.
A cohesive group keeps a flag to demonstrate allegiance, show ownership of whatever the flag is planted into, allow others to easily identify them, and to communicate. And I don’t just mean through semaphore. In the 1970s, “flagging” was actively practiced by queer men across the U.S., Canada, and Europe. Our minority has had a history of living in the shadows, knowing we would be punished for expressing our sexuality; flagging, or “the hanky code,” was our way of signaling to each other our presence and preferences via colored handkerchiefs. Such back pocket flags have long gone out of vogue for queer men, save for the leather community, but they remain historical artifacts that were highly functional in their heyday.
I believe that the bi flag is all of these things. A sign. A shield. A rule marker. A uniform. A story. A prayer. Pretty tall order for a simple piece of fabric. But maybe you want the flag to do the work of organizing, too. Nah, son, it’s not gonna do that for you. As a salesperson and a bi activist, you know that pitching isn’t just explaining what a product does or the thought behind its engineering. It’s convincing people why they should care. We’re talking about the difference between: a.) “Straight-blue plus gay-pink equals bi-purple! It’s a Ziplock bag of sexuality!” and b.) “Put this in your back pocket and potential sex partners will flock to you.” The former elicits a snore, the latter secures undivided attention.
Thus, as you pointed out, a closer look at the marketing plan is in order. Forget the ‘70s – let’s talk about how we can most effectively use the bi flag in the 21st century. I’ve noticed in Tumblr and Twitter, lots of bloggers use the bi flag as their avatar. And where better to express a key facet of your identity than in your blog profile? Come to think of it, I wonder if you feel our flag has flopped because it hasn’t behaved as a meme would. Hey, listen, memes aren’t so great. They catch on like wildfire but they’re ephemeral and, at the core, are just templates for rotating witticisms. Flags are a slow-and-steady operation, and should be. We’ve got time. Unlike Bad Luck Brian, bisexuals expect to be around for a while, you know?
Before we move on, I have to share this one weirditude: I discovered that the hanky code does not operate on a universal color key. I guess just the fact that you had a hanky effectively signified your queerness, much like just the fact that you’re flying a colorful striped flag says you’re some kind of LGBT. This manifestation of unity is not very clear-cut or structured but being queer is about intersectional identities and a narrative journey, not a puzzle in which each piece has exactly one correct position within the whole. If fluidity is what we espouse, it’s fitting for the flag to embody that value.
Bisexual activist Shiri Eisner, author of Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution, discusses embracing traits associated with bisexuals – even the alleged “negative” ones – and incorporating them into our justice work. For instance, she encourages us to use our invisibility as a tool for radical change. Let me (well, Eisner) blow your mind right here:
“We might be able to say that to be bisexual is not only to pass [i.e. to be perceived, intentionally or not, as something other than what one is], but also to be inauthentic. It is to be partial, to be hybrid, to be the metaphorical axis of deceptiveness, treason, and danger. …But why is this a good thing? Because all of these qualities are signs of subversive power.” (Eisner 128)
Furthermore… “Using these [qualities] as methods of disruption and social order might enable bisexual politics to step outside of the system and work toward radical social change, and subversion of binaries and hierarchies, building and destroying new categories and creating a complex, multiple, radical world.” (Eisner 135)
So much of what bisexuals experience is about society’s inability or desperate refusal to see us for what we are. And here we have a flag nobody seems to be able to pick out of a line-up. Well, hell, I’d say that is one representative flag.
You know what I think? More than all of those duties I listed above that the bi flag fulfills, it’s a lesson. It teaches all of us to stop trying to make it into something more popular or more palatable or whatever makes you more comfortable. It isn’t what you thought it was, or think it should be. It doesn’t fit into a nice little box. If offers no reassuring boundaries for comparison. It’s not really clear what its message is for you. Sometimes it’s its own worst enemy.
Good. That space in the middle is where bisexuals live.
You don’t recognize the bi flag?
Not feeling the bi flag?
The Dude’s a bi. (Wait, that is what he’s always saying, right?)
I am a 17-year-old boy from India and I believe I’m suffering from HOCD: homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder. It started when I began obsessing on a mildly sexual scene in a movie and it developed into a fear of being gay. During this phase, I lost my attraction to girls even though I was seriously into them until then. I constantly checked myself for signs of arousal while thinking about boys (which did not occur).
After a few months of this, I consulted a therapist via computer and began treating myself with cognitive behavioral therapy. Now I feel better but I do still get these thoughts sometimes. The therapist told me that I had to coexist with such thoughts and let them flow. At this point, my obsession has changed from being gay to being bisexual since my attraction to girls is back.
So, have I been bisexual this whole time and didn’t know it?
-King123
For a therapist that you randomly found online, you sure got a good one. They’re absolutely right: just let the thoughts happen. Trying to control them is what’s heightening your anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is exactly what you need to practice. As I suggested in a recent column, I hope you’ve picked up a copy of the essential CBT book, Feeling Good by David Burns. You might also try the easier-to-digest and equally helpful Self Coaching by Joseph J. Luciani.
It will be nearly impossible to sort out your sexuality without first addressing your anxiety issues. In addition to the CBT, please seriously consider talking to your doctor about medication that could effectively address what may be a biochemical cause of your OCD. Few clinical anxieties can withstand the one-two punch of CBT plus proper medication.
Dealing with these obsessions through compulsions — including and especially constant self-testing for arousal — might make you feel better for a second but no more. Some psychiatric professionals encourage people with OCD to undergo exposure therapy. When you consistently face what you fear and no harm results, your anxiety should be quelled. To employ this method, start viewing gay movies, literature, and so forth in increasing amounts. As your therapist counseled, don’t monitor yourself to see if you’re aroused, just accept any reactions you have. Your goal is not to eliminate obsessive thoughts but to tolerate them without discomfort.
“Bisexuality” is just a label, and many people feel that all sexuality is a dynamic entity with a lifelong arc. You may never be able to pinpoint your sexuality label; your best shot at sanity is just to accept that. Additionally, please recognize that while you can’t control your thoughts or feelings, you always have agency in how you react to them. Even if you have sexual thoughts about men every day for the rest of your life, nothing will force you to act upon them, tell anyone, or label yourself as bisexual if you don’t want to.
King123, the only person who can tell you how you identify sexually is yourself. However, I want you to know that if you are, it’s OK. It’s shameful that the Indian government reinstated the ban on gay sex last December but there’s still a thriving, happy bisexual community in your country and far beyond. Obsessions typically alight on a trait that you think would make you a bad or sad person. Therefore, if you don’t think bisexuality is a negative attribute, you’ll likely stop obsessing on it. And lucky for you — lucky for all of us — it isn’t!
I’ve saved the best for last: Jezebel.com posted this great article on HOCD in 2010 and, for the first time in internet history, the comments are the most supportive part. Uniformly insightful and perceptive, they come from people who have been affected by HOCD in some manner. I hope that reading about their experiences feels to you like a thousand dollars’ worth of therapy! Here are some highlights that speak astutely on this condition — and in many ways, on bisexuality as a larger concept.
“I think OCD really seeks out the very things that are impossible to prove absolutely, as well as the things that have the potential to change your entire view of yourself.”
“Almost all of my obsessions boil down to the one concern that I may not really know who I am or I may be living a lie.”
“The anxiety came mostly from just not knowing, being constantly uncertain, and spending hours trying to figure out something that, I now know, doesn’t have a black-or-white answer anyway.”
Here’s a comment from a bisexual who obsesses over thoughts that they’re not bisexual: “I know instinctively that I am bisexual but anytime my brain perceives a challenge to that understanding, it kicks into overdrive and wants to prove it FOR SURE. Being bisexual, my brain is constantly being ‘challenged’ because any attraction to anyone, boy or girl, could mean that I might really be gay or really be straight. It can be never-ending and quite incapacitating mentally.”
“I think that no matter whom I’m in a relationship with, man or woman, my OCD brain would always question if I should be with the other… Would I be happier? Would it feel more ‘right’?”
“It is so incredibly hard to accept that it’s ok to not know because, oh my God, everyone else on the planet already knows, why don’t I?!” This commenter answers: “Actually, most people don’t really ‘know’ anything for certain. They just don’t spend endless hours trying to figure things out to scientific precision.”
This one is my favorite. “My partner, who has severe OCD, struggled for most of his adolescence with the fear/obsession that he was transgender. I suspect it was the same idea. He got past it by reaching out to transgender persons and making friends, and learning that he would have support and friends even if he was transgender (even though he would likely lose others) and eventually realized he is not transgender. As a result, he has many wonderful friends he might not otherwise have met, and one of my bridesmaids will be a pre-operative MTF transsexual.”
Flashback to Fashion Television on VH1
You gotta roll with what life gives you, whatever it may be. Bisexual, not bisexual — it just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.
I am a bisexual woman happily married to a man for 24 years. I recently came out to one of my co-workers. We are friendly and have lunch together sometimes and enjoy a lot of banter and mild flirting. Discussing the recent legalization of same-sex marriage in Utah, where we live, a door opened wide and I walked through it telling her that I am bisexual.
She is one of two managers in our 30-person department, but not my manager. Owing to office dynamics I feel like I should tell my manager and our director as well. But I am just not sure how. I have worked in this department for two years now and because I am married to a man, people assume I am straight. Directly telling them I am not is my only option aside from waiting for another door to open so I can casually mention it, which seems unlikely to ever happen.
I am not sure how best to come out to them, I respect them and they are very open-minded and would in no way hold it against me. I did take the step of joining the LGBT associate group but I need advice on how to handle a direct conversation like this that will likely blow their minds.
-Annie
It sounds like you’re ready and eager to give your workplace pals a look into your rainbow-filled closet! But let’s get this out of the way first: you feel like you “should” tell your manager and director but the reality is that you don’t owe them that. In this situation, you owe it to yourself to live authentically and to protect yourself from being fired — more on that in a minute — as far as circumstances allow for each. You owe your partner respect and communication on the subject. So what does that leave you owing people at work? Right, not a blessed thing. I just want to make sure you know that the choice is yours and it would not breach workplace ethics to not tell. But hey, if you’re rarin’ to go, let’s pack up the “why” get on with the “how” already!
…right after I give you this caveat. See, this isn’t just your personal journey in sharing your multi-faceted selfdom with acquaintances. There are some real world implications here and unless you’re one of those one-percenters for whom employment is just a lark, I’d be remiss not to point them out.
Although folks across America have been working for two score to pass an Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) that protects LGBT people, there is no federal ENDA and none in Utah. Fortunately, the University of Utah and Salt Lake City have both passed protections for their queer employees. But if you don’t work in either UofU or SLC, you would have little legal recourse if your company fired you for reasons related to being bi. In short, queer people are vulnerable in the workplace.
The worry here isn’t that your current superiors don’t like LGBT people. It’s that somewhere down the line, you could end up with a conniving coworker or new manager/director who wants to stab you in the back for whatever reason. An easy way to do so would be to show Human Resources evidence that you’re exploring “sexual” stuff at work. Understand that that’s how bisexuals are seen — as sexual — whereas gays and lesbians now mostly bring up connotations of family and committed couples. (Wow, bisexuals really need their own “Modern Family”-style sitcom. Cam and Mitchell are public relations GOLD.)
Since it’s up to you to protect yourself in the odd circumstance that someone has it in for you, I suggest you simply don’t leave an online trail at work. Don’t write anything about your personal life from your work email account, ever. And if you surf this column or any other bi-related sites during the daily grind, even if they’re totally clean, erase your history whenever you leave your desk. As an out bisexual worker bee, it will behoove you to keep a spotless electronic history on the job lest you give this hypothetical person ammo on a silver platter.
I know I sound paranoid. Humor me. If you were to write back to me having lost your job because I wasn’t clear about the lack of safety net for bisexuals, well…Tiggy would have trouble sleeping at night.
Now that I’ve laid out my conspiracy theories, I’ll hand off the fun stuff to Heidi Bruins Green, longtime chair of the Bisexual Advisory Committee for Out & Equal, the world’s largest nonprofit specifically dedicated to creating safe and equitable workplaces for LGBT people. Hey, Heidi, how do you suggest Annie come out?
“One of my [favorite ways] is to look for an opportunity where I am having a personal conversation in which I can bring up something about a same-sex former partner,” says Heidi. “I then watch for how the other person reacts, and expand in one of multiple directions. This can include saying something like, ‘I don’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned that I’m bisexual, did I?’ If I’m not direct with the word ‘bisexual,’ I might try to casually show a pattern of going back and forth between male and female partners…though that route gets tricky in a conservative environment, as you want to avoid seeming like a slut.”
Heidi also encourages you to talk about this with friends from your workplace LGBT group. I’m pleased to hear that you have one, and it was a terrific idea to join it. Many people who don’t work for large companies aren’t aware that these affinity groups exist to celebrate diversity. In fact, the word on you might be out just from your joining that group. (It’s kind of nice for bisexuals when the gossip spreads because then we don’t have to come out to every person on Earth one by one. Far less time-consuming to farm it out to the rumor mill, really.)
Thumbs up on soon being an up-and-coming out-and-proud bi, Annie, and here’s to job security for LGBT people the world over.
Annie, be sure to put a cover sheet on your Bisexuality Report to the office. You got the memo on that, right?
