As an older bisexual woman (42) married to a man for ten years, what questions should I expect from my family when I come out to them? I have come out to several LGBTQ and straight friends and coworkers, but not to my family.
Thanks,
M
I assume when you say “family,” you don’t mean your husband because you’ve already come out to him. You didn’t mention whether you have children and, if so, what their ages are. Coming out to your kids, especially those who are still young enough to live with you, is very different from coming out to your parents or extended relatives. Luckily, people close to you tend to generally have the same questions. They probably won’t phrase them exactly like this so you’ll have to sleuth out which of these four questions they’re really getting at:
What does “bisexual” mean to you? This is another way of asking, “What exactly are you telling me?” The beauty of a sexuality label is that it sums up a chunk of your identity in a nice, clean package. The irony that you discover once you choose the appropriate label is that you have to explain it anyway.
But it’s a gift when someone gives you a chance to customize your label! The alternative is typically to let them try to understand it through stereotypes and hearsay, which…yikes, that’s never good.
Get clear with yourself what you mean by “bisexual” so you can rattle it off with confidence once you come out. Feel free to steal — and amend to your personal taste — Robyn Ochs’s definition.
What did you know and when did you know it? Let me be blunt: with this inquiry, folks are wondering whether you were lying to them or to yourself at some point. You can stay rather vague on this by gently informing them that coming out to oneself is a process and you’ve told them about this new self-discovery as soon as it was appropriate.
How will your behavior change? Will you be bringing new people to family gatherings? Will you be more political with the LGBT community? Will this be common knowledge around town or will I have to keep this information under my hat in front of certain people? Answering this will manage expectations.
How will this affect me? This is the bottom line question for everyone. Since you already have a primary partner, I suspect that your news won’t have much of a practical effect on your family. However, they’ll probably need a little time to adjust to your new reality and be able to talk about it comfortably. Meanwhile, if someone is mining for answers but your bisexuality doesn’t really affect them at all, I suggest that you cut the conversation short. You are under no obligation to satisfy anyone’s curiosity.
And now that you know more or less what inquiries you can expect when you make this fabulous family announcement, all that’s left to decide is how you’ll tell them. Perhaps this Thursday, you’ll reach past a Pilgrim and over a horn aplenty to grab the nearest good-luck-gourd, leap to your feet, and proclaim that you are ever so thankful to be an out and proud bisexual.
A question for the 42-year-olds out there: what the hell does this song mean? Will the rest of us find out when we turn 42? Or when we consciously uncouple from someone?
If you’re 42, this was probably your Thanksgiving jam at some point.
I am pansexual and possibly polyamorous. My girlfriend of three years, a devout monogamist, wants me to be able to express myself in whatever way I feel necessary.
Despite her total support, I am sexually unhappy in our relationship. She is unable to consider an open relationship and since I haven’t ever really been comfortable with my own sexuality, I haven’t had a chance to let myself experiment with other types of sex. This leads me to a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to provide her with the devotion and monogamy she deserves. I see no solution.
She says that if I truly wish to choose to be intimate with others, she cannot be with me. Throwing away our relationship for sex with strangers feels like the worst betrayal. I have been given an ultimatum to alone decide our future in the next day or two as she can’t wait for me to promise myself to her any longer. We aren’t happy now and aren’t sleeping in the same bed together after living and sleeping together for three years.
It is too painful for me to choose sexual freedom over love and emotional support but my feeling sexually repressed — be it a result of my own insecurities or her unwillingness to let me see other people in a sexual way — has led me to a collapse of libido and emotional stability. How can I choose when I’m so scared and alone?
-Max
The language you’re using to describe this tough situation paints you as the villain when you’re not. In order to get through this dilemma with the least amount of emotional damage to all parties, you need to reframe this story.
Devotion and monogamy are not the same thing. Even after reading your short letter, I have little doubt that you can and do offer devotion to this woman you clearly love. Does she “deserve” monogamy? Well, if so — in that she is a good person and “deserves” to have her desires met — then don’t you deserve polyamory?
When you honestly communicate to your partner a wish to express your sexuality and bravely come to terms with the consequent incompatibility of your relationship, you’re betraying yourself by couching that as “throwing away [your] relationship for sex with strangers.” The reality is that you two are fundamentally unsuited to each other and it’s no one’s fault. Cheating would have been the coward’s way out; you have eschewed that for the high road, so I cannot allow you to self-flagellate. There is nothing bad about wanting to explore your sexuality.
Please put this relationship out of its misery (your misery, her misery) – you both know it’s not working. It’s just not right to use this woman you love as a security blanket while you hold your breath and cross your legs for as long as you can stand it. I am sorry that being without a partner terrifies you but this, too, could use a reframing. You could view singledom as an opportunity to connect with new people and an adventure of self-discovery. Meanwhile, it sounds like you and she have a real mutual affection…is there a chance that you two can go on being friends?
Find a bisexual and/or poly support group in your area so you can feel supported enough to make the leap into being single. Max, don’t let fear and guilt dictate your not-at-all-selfish choices here.
Being poly is tremendous! No shame in being a bird who can’t help but fly. (Check the lyrics for an education…)
And Max, just because you’ll be single doesn’t mean you’ll be all alone.
I am a young woman (24) who just ended a six-year, long-distance, monogamous relationship. I live in a country in Africa and he lives in Europe. My “bi-curiosity” is just one of many important factors which caused me to do it.
Now I am super excited to finally put some of my women fantasies into practice. Before we broke up, I summoned all my courage and went alone one night to a lesbian bar. I chatted to some women, and had a fabulous time dancing. I never planned to cheat on my partner and I didn’t even come close to doing that, but I was so excited and relieved to finally just BE in a space around other bisexual and lesbian women.
However, it also posed a problem: now that I am available to see women, I don’t know how to go about it! I have no bi or lesbian friends, and none of my other close friends (except one, who I hardly ever see) or family even know that I identify as bisexual. I don’t see going alone again as an option; I feel like I need the support of friends around me to help me discover how to hit on a girl I like. But I don’t feel comfortable asking my straight friends to come with me when I myself am so new to and vulnerable in this aspect of myself.
I very recently moved from the liberal and fairly queer-friendly city to the remote countryside where I grew up to start a job here. I want to work and live here, but I am torn about having this newfound freedom to discover my bisexuality and yet having to live with my family around — even sharing a house with a family member — and in a very small and conservative community. I feel like my first forays into practical bisexuality are going to take a lot of courage from me, and attempting it here seems daunting and dangerous. So I’m wondering, should I postpone or reject the job? I haven’t signed anything yet and it is a family business so it should be fairly flexible about possibly taking me on at a later stage instead.
To make things all the more complicated, my ex-partner has suggested that we have an open relationship. He is desperate not to lose me and still loves me dearly. At the first mention of this, I emailed him to share my excitement. I thought it would be a way for us to stay in each other’s lives, keep in contact as the best friends we are, and occasionally visit each other for a lovers holiday. He responded with anger and hurt, saying he couldn’t believe after that after our years together, I would say I was excited to be in an open relationship. He called me selfish and stupid which immediately made me feel depressed and trapped again, and of course not wanting to have any relationship with him. He later emailed back apologising for his outburst, blaming it on his feelings of pain at the situation, which I totally understood, and asking again if we could have an open relationship instead of him losing me. Now I’m not so sure any more.
I am bursting with excitement at getting some “rad advice from an excellent bisexual”!
-Finally Free
To think that an enthusiastic fan across the world is breathlessly awaiting my words of wisdom on how to be a happy bisexual thrills me to my tingling toes! I wish all new bi babes could have your buoyant outlook and a confidence fueled by pure potential energy. Would that I could sail to Libreville tonight and trip the lights fantastic with you in celebrating your exuberance to be yourself!
On the issue of your ex-boyfriend, I think you know what you have to do. He is terribly sad that your relationship has come to an end but the kindest thing to do is not give him hope that you can stay together in any fashion. He has demonstrated that he is not in a proper emotional position for an open relationship. You are “Finally Free” — being available for new love is the core of that. Make a clean break of it with him.
Although it’s great that you have a job and family waiting for you in the country, my first impulse is to tell you to pass it up in favor of queer fun times in the city. It’s easier to find and congregate openly with other bisexual/gay women in an urban area. However, I want to be careful not to denigrate or underestimate the rich and rewarding lives of LGBT people in rural areas. Often, the queer community acts like living in the country is wholly untenable but I think that does a real disservice to our sisters and brothers who have crafted fulfilling communities in somewhat unlikely places. Look at this oral history project, Country Queers, to see just a handful of beautiful, refreshing, true stories of rural-living LGBT folks.
In a 2010 interview, Mary L. Gray, author of Out in the Country: Youth, Media, and Queer Visibility in Rural America, cuts to the difference as follows: “When rural young people identify themselves as queer, they…upend and potentially undo the most important identity they have in their communities: a familiar son or daughter, a local from that town. When Rural America seems to reject queer folks, whether with its voting record or in sound bites from its townspeople, we are witnessing a much deeper tussle over who rural community members feel they can trust and who they feel they can turn to in times of trouble…” Perhaps rural Africans put a high value on familiarity as well but since you grew up there, you certainly have a leg up in that regard.
All that said, I still think you should take this time in your young life to experience being bi in the city. I predict you’ll deeply enjoy the liberty of exploring your identity and meeting many likeminded souls out from under the watchful eye of lifelong elders. You can always return to the country later when you’re beyond the wild oat-sowing that urban life tends to facilitate. By then, you’ll likely have more confidence in your sexual identity as well as the manner in which you want to be out around your family.
Most of my readership is not from Africa so allow me a moment to enlighten them: the continent of Africa is made up of 54 countries and it’s way bigger than you think. I point this out, Finally Free, because it’s hard for me to advise you when I don’t know which specific area you’re from. Americans, it would be like someone wanting to know how to bisexual,* if you will, without revealing whether they are from Massachusetts or Kentucky…only more so. The laws, culture, and resources vary signNIFicantly.
So for a more informed view on African life, let’s turn to award-winning Nigerian writer and afrofeminist social commentator Spectra Speaks. Her eponymous blog, www.spectraspeaks.com, is a digital media platform shifting conversations from the political to the personal through the lens of love, empathy, and media. She is the founder and executive editor of Queer Women of Color Media Wire (QWOC), a media advocacy organization that amplifies the voices of queer-identified diaspora around the world. Before we get into what her specific advice is for you, I want to mention a few things about Spectra: 1.) the Bisexual Resource Center gave QWOC a “Bi Ally Award”; 2.) Spectra’s mantra is “Love is my revolution”; and 3.) she wrote this two weeks ago, which tells you why #1 happened, shows how she lives #2, and will restore your faith in the world as a bisexual. Please read it, it’s a revelation of unadulterated compassion.
(Did you read it? Wasn’t it even better than I said?) Here’s what she says about you, Finally Free:
“First, ask for the African country she’s in so you can connect her to resources. It may seem intimidating at first, but it’s one way of meeting friends.
“Second, she should think through the following questions carefully: does she have any friends that she’s really close to who she may consider sharing about her new interest in women? Are these friends that can keep a secret? I’d encourage her to share that she’s interested and perhaps liken it to puberty happening all over again except without any examples of how to ask a girl out! Even if the friend doesn’t come along to the club they can at least be her research partner and someone to talk to as she develops more queer/bi community.
“She should also start following LGBT African bloggers** (ahem!) as meeting others online can be such a relief, affirming, and again a kind of support until she meets others. I’d finally encourage her to focus first on developing friendships. [Regardless of your sexuality, dating] is awkward, challenging, fun, and confusing all at once. It’s so much better with friends.”
I can’t put it any better than that. When Spectra refers to resources, she means queer social groups, support groups, and volunteer opportunities. They’re perfect places to get to know fellow LBT women and say, “Hey, I want to go to a club tonight. Will you be my wing chick?”
I could go on (and on…and on…) but let’s punctuate this column on “wing (chick).” It’s an apt segue to your starting this next chapter of life where you stretch yours and soar.
*Yeah, sure, it’s a verb.
**To start, go to Spectraspeaks.com, scroll down, and look at the column on the right under “Queer Africa.”
Having come out to myself, my wife of 31 years, and the world in the past year, I’m having the hardest time meeting older, bisexual men who understand my efforts to create a new phase of our marriage rather than divorce and pretend to be gay.
Where/how can I meet older, bisexual men? I live in a gay-friendly East Coast city. I joined local GAMMA support groups, MeetUps, and volunteer at a LGBTQ community center. These efforts create no friendships. I find hookups online, but they don’t lead to friends or relationships.
-Peter
Peter, I am not a man nor am I in my 50s, as you presumably are. As such, I didn’t want to address your dilemma without consulting a few bi friends with experience in these demographics. Here’s what my friend, Slick Boot, had to say:
“It does suck that that’s the reality for older single or unpartnered bi guys. But that reality has probably more to do with being male than being bi. And being male, unfortunately, more often than not, means that what is sought is primarily physical attraction, which mostly means youth, good looks and sexual stamina. You see, the main reason bi guys over 35 don’t band together is that they’re still looking to hook up with those bi guys in their 20s. Believe me, I’m not judging them as a group, mainly because I’m as guilty as any other older bi guy. We really have no one but ourselves to blame for our predicament.”
Ugh, self-defeating behavior is so frustrating. I spent a fair amount of time in a city where all of the queer women complained that only butches date femmes and vice versa…and then proceed to play into that exact system. Similarly, while I believe there is a critical mass of queer men looking for an emotional connection, they lament that other queer men aren’t…and then proceed to only seek out and respond to sex. And let’s not even get started about how we’ve all been utterly brainwashed by the ever-pounding surf of media that young = attractive and old (35+) = revolting.
This news seems like a total buzzkill but I value Slick Boot’s honest appraisal of the problems and I hope you at least find it validating. When I dug a little further with him on how he connected to guys like himself, he revealed that he did so through the fetish community. A-ha — so you can meet bi guys through other alternative sexuality fellowships! One such fellowship that I’d recommend to you, Peter, is the poly(amorous) community. They tend to be accepting of bisexuals and they won’t bat an eye at your having a primary partner. Take a look at LoveMore.com, Polyamory.org, and FetLife.com. (OK, that last one’s primarily a fetish site, but it actually has poly connections even for people who aren’t kinky.)
Another friend, Wayne Bryant, author of the excellent book Bisexual Characters in Film, says this: “Peter, the best way to meet bisexual men is through bisexual-specific events. Since you didn’t mention any in your note, there probably aren’t any in your city or you would be attending. Therefore: start one. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. Start with something simple and non-intimidating, like a brunch or dinner for bisexual men. You can post it at the LGBTQ center where you volunteer, on MeetUp.com, and on Craigslist. Nearly all of my bi male friends have come as the result of organizing community events like these. If you get something going on a monthly basis, get in touch with groups in other cities and have them link to your events, so that people looking around the web will be able to connect and participate.”
Now that’s some serious wisdom, not unlike what my pal, Dr. X, said about creating a sex club. Maybe you don’t feel that you’re the organizer type, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. I’d add these tips to what Wayne said:
If hosting a brunch at restaurant or a potluck meal at your house is not your jam, how about having a card game? It provides an activity that busies your hands but still leaves room to talk when you want. Bonus: if you have it at your home, it provides an easy way to come out as married.
You might advertise on bulletin boards in your city’s queer male neighborhood (assuming it has one) and the local LGBTQ newspaper (again, if there is one). I find that vintage queer dudes often prefer to kick it Luddite-style with paper announcements.
In your flyers/online announcement, I’d specify that you’re inviting gay and bi men in their 40s and up. Target the people you want to create the community you envision.
One more thing: in years long past, I tried many of the same stuff you have to meet more people but, like you, had trouble making lasting connections. My mistake was doing different activities in different places with different people every time I ventured out. I learned that in order to make friends, you have to become a regular. Folks need to become accustomed to your face. If you see the same people at least every week or two, whether it’s at a GAMMA meeting or the local hardware shop, you’ll start to bond. And don’t be afraid to say, “I’m going for a beer/coffee at Schmoe’s. Anyone want to come with?” as a group of you gets off a volunteer shift. These little tweaks to your social repertoire should yield better results.
Another perk of having card games is impressing everyone with your cardistry skillz.
I am pretty sure that I am bisexual, and I have had crushes on both men and women since I was twelve. I am nineteen now and I have never felt safe or comfortable telling anybody about my sexual orientation.
My older sister has a severe personality disorder, and will likely never marry or have kids, which makes me feel a lot of pressure to be the daughter that my parents didn’t get the first time around. If I told them what I was, I know they would be supportive but they would also be upset and I can’t bring any more grief into their lives.
Also, I highly value my friendships with heterosexual girls, and even though I have never been attracted to a straight girl, I am worried that they would feel uncomfortable with me if I came out to them.
My question for you is, do some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives and does this have a negative effect on them? All I want is to be happy.
-Eliza
Nah, you couldn’t care less about making yourself happy. You want to make sure everyone around you is happy, even if it kills you. Maybe especially if it kills you. You, my lovely lady, have a martyr complex.
Here are some things that are not your job:
To be the daughter your parents want /“deserve”
To produce a son-in-law and grandkids for your parents
To eliminate all grief in your parents’ lives
To assure your straight friends that you are not sexually or romantically interested in them
To ensure that those who interact with you are comfortable with your identity and your personal behavior, even at the expense of your own comfort
To be perfect for everyone else
Yes, some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives. And yes, living a life that does not feel authentic has terrible effects on virtually all who attempt it, including feeling isolated, unfulfilled, and phony.
Here’s a better choice: find other ways to feel in control of your environment without resorting to self-sacrifice. Develop a practice of self-care. Make choices about yourself that benefit you, and let friends and loved ones manage their own disappointment.
A martyr complex is probably the nicest of all of the complexes, but it isn’t nice to you. And your happiness matters.
Dear Tiggy,
My boyfriend of four months is bisexual and I am gay. I know this because he was open about it from the start. What he was not open about, however, was the fact that for the first two months we dated, he was also sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. She found out about me and told me about their relationship, and about the fact that he had already cheated on her several times with men while they were dating.
The girlfriend has now gone off to college (he’s 19, she’s 18, I’m 25), and the two of us are happy and reported to be monogamous. Problem is, she’s coming back for a fall break in October, and I’m confident they will have sex again every time she’s back in town.
I have no problem with him sleeping with women (trying to be GGG and a supportive boyfriend, giving him the freedom to have fun with parts I do not have) but I don’t want him sleeping with women he was at one point in love with!
Ugh. Am I crazy to be with him? Crazy to deny him sex with the ex? Crazy for dating a 19 year old, when clearly we’re in very different maturity stages in our lives? Part of me wants to leave him because I know this will only lead to future cheating and dishonesty, but I think I love him.
-Luke
I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, you’ve assessed the situation quite realistically. Most un-crazy monogamish folks have some kind of lines to draw in their relationships, and the boundary that you’re trying to set (i.e. no ex sex) is not unreasonable. You recognize and even articulate that your and his life stages are not aligned and that expecting him to adhere to this (albeit fair) rule is impractical.
No, not crazy at all — or, any more than the lot of us who have been in a similar situation. You’re just human, and hope burns eternal in the human heart. You’re clear-eyed enough to be 99% sure that this is going to end badly but there’s that 1% of you that secretly believes this might work out beautifully unless proven otherwise. It’s unfortunate but it appears that your heart has donned its powdered wig, taken its gavel, and proclaimed that Boyfriend Defendant cannot be convicted without evidence.
Looks like you’re going to have to ride this one out to its probably painful conclusion.
Go easy on yourself. It takes herculean strength — and then some — to say no to love, even stupid love. I predict that when you come out the other end of this, the next time someone dwarfed by your maturity entices you to board this particular merry-go-round, you’ll have the experience to say, “Nope, not again.”
Time to get selfish, Eliza. Or, as the French say, egoiste.
And speaking of French, Amelie adorably shows you how a martyr complex loses its flavor.
I’m a high school student who came out as bisexual last year to my friends and the news has fairly progressed throughout the school since then. After I came out I had my first girlfriend a year after having my first boyfriend.
People assume I’m just lesbian and that I despise guys but that’s not true. So many people refer to me as gay that I’m starting to tell some people I’m lesbian and some I’m bi. I’ve noticed that I choose depending on how I feel about that person. I don’t know why I’m doing this but it is very conflicting to me.
I have a crush on a guy but I feel like I’m holding myself back from telling him because if something were to happen between us, there would be too many questions about my sexuality and too much drama. What doesn’t help is that everyone tells my ex-boyfriend that he “turned me gay,” not to mention the fact that we are all in one sports team. Help?
-Steph
Being on a team is drama. Basic sociology dictates that humans in a group are going to date each other and break up, and observing teammates have to more or less roll with it. And sports are nothing — you should see what it’s like being in a theatre production. It’s called Drama Club for a reason. Anyway, the truth is that if folks are talking about you, that means they find you intriguing. There are worse things than being popular, sweet Steph. It does stink to get bad PR, though.
Since you’re the one who has the interesting business that everyone else wants to be all up in, you ought to revel in said business. Specifically, focus on this guy you’re after and let the Greek chorus that’s following you fade to background noise. Every time you find yourself getting caught up in the peer analysis of your romantic life: stop, recognize it, and redirect that energy toward the dude. You only have so many hours in the day to care about stuff. Prioritizing your energy is vital.
Let me get a little Wizard of Oz on you for a sec: I believe that you’ve always had the brain, heart, and nerve to address those who are curious about your love life. However, instead of giving you a diploma, a medal, or a watch (which was sort of random…?), I want to give you a phrase: “I’m 100% bisexual.”
The word “hapa” was at one time a slur against people who are part Asian/Pacific Islander and part (an)other race(s), as it comes from the Hawaiian word for “half.” But then a beautiful thing happened: mixed race Asians reclaimed the word and connoted it for the positive. I smile when I see “100% Hapa” bumper stickers, knowing it’s a point of pride. (Can you imagine how rad it is to be a hapa bisexual? That’s 200% hapa in a single person!)
So we’re taking a page out of the hapa book for you today. When someone asks you about your sexuality, just say, “I’m 100% bisexual.” It’s pithy, it’s ironic, it’s self-confident, it says all you need to say. Don Draper would love it. If your curious friend mentions that they heard you identify as a lesbian some days ago, you don’t need to get into your experimentation in advertising yourself to different markets; just say, “I figured it out.” You weren’t lying before (or now) and your sexuality didn’t change, you figured it out. Any further questions can be answered with, “Now, now. A girl has to have some secrets,” and a change of subject to your inquisitor’s love life.
Oh, and the next comment about your ex turning you gay should be met with an eye roll and a muttered, “That joke is so old.” If the person saying it is trying to humiliate your ex in front of the rest of the team, go full throttle and state firmly, “Stop saying that. It’s not true and it’s not funny.” If you can, you should privately say to your ex at some point that no matter what has or will happen since you two were together, nothing is going to change the fact that you liked him. Anyone can say whatever they want because what matters is that you and he know it was real.
But enough about him…go get that new guy.
This movie was about 100% better than the trailer made it look.
P.S. Check the poster’s handle. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
Three letters are the charm — and the norm — today in “Ask Tiggy.”
Dear Tiggy,
As a bisexual, is it normal to be attracted to one gender more than another?
-Kaitlyn
Yes, this is normal. Also, being equally attracted to two or more genders is normal. For both of these things, there’s nothing weird about it, there’s nothing wrong with it, you are one of manymanymany humans who feel this way, and neither makes you less bisexual.
Dear Tiggy,
I see myself as a bisexual or pansexual girl. My friend and I were discussing what type of guy looks hottest shirtless. She said she liked the lean type with not too much muscle. Meanwhile, I just couldn’t think of any type I liked most. They all are just shirtless to me; I can’t see anything else and I don’t have a preference.
When it comes to girls, I feel I can be more specific with what I like. Why am I so indifferent to shirtless guys? Is this normal?
-Aleksandra
Yes, this is normal. Your personal trigger-point toward men might be their other parts, physical and otherwise. But your friend is normal, too. Whether or not you are turned on by shirtless men in general is not a litmus test for bisexuality or female heterosexuality.
Attraction is complex: it involves physical, emotional, and behavioral catalysts, and it might change according to your experiences and/or your biology. It all fits under the “normal” tarp. Analyzing it to the hilt will drive you mad, though.
Dear Tiggy,
Is it normal to have attraction to both genders? If I do have attraction to both genders, does that make God angry? Is there any religion that allows such a thing? Are there other people like this, or is it something abnormal that only a few people experience?
I am totally lost. Our society thinks that those who are attracted to their own gender are sick people who should die.
-Bees
Yes, it is normal.
I solemnly, absolutely, positively, 100% guarantee you that it does NOT make God angry.
Yes, there are religions that accept people like us: Metropolitan Community Church, Unitarian Universalists, Quakers, Wiccans, Reform Jews, United Church of Christ, New Age, Reconstructionist Jews, Episcopalians (American Anglicans), Old Catholic Church, Community of Christ (USA, Canada, and Australia), Lutherans, Moravians’ Presbytarians, United Church of Canada, Uniting Church of Australia, United Reform Church of Great Britain, Unity School of Christianity, and Swedenborgian. Buddhists and Hindus vary.
There are many other people all over the world who experience attraction to more than one gender. The bisexual community exists everywhere and we interact with each other regularly in friendship and love.
Bees, please read all of my previous columns. I mean it, read them all. If there are weblinks, click on them. Where they refer you to the Bisexual Resource Center (BRC) website, go there. These are the first, safest steps you can take to grasp a lifeline from the bisexual community. We’re here for you and we know that you are not a sick person. What you’re feeling is not bad, you should not die for it, and God still loves you. I hope as you read my columns you can move toward connecting with the bisexual community in person.
Now, you too can embrace that coveted status, NORMAL, through the most middle-of-the-road trend to hit the middle of the fashion runway: normcore! Let’s all look the part!
I’m 12 and I know for sure that I’m bi, although I like females a little more than I like males. I feel really scared to tell my parents. My family despises the LGBT community and I’m afraid that if I tell them, they’ll never accept me. I am planning on having my principal help me come out to my parents. I go to a Catholic school, so I feel like an outsider. How do I come out to my parents without them treating me differently and how can I be more proud of who I am?
-Kayla
July 8, 2014 Dear Tiggy,
I am planning on coming out to my parents with the help of my principal on October 11 (Coming Out Day) which is a week after my birthday. How do I cope with the negative reaction my parents will have finding out that their 12-year-old daughter is bi? How do I feel proud about being bi in a Catholic school?
-Kayla
July 30, 2014 Dear Tiggy,
I’m 12 years old and I’ll be turning 13 years old in October but I am 110% positive that I’m bi. I go to a Catholic school and I’m really worried about me coming out in that type of environment. I told a couple of my closest friends at school about it and they have become my biggest supporters. My friend helped me talk to my principal about it and she told me to wait until I turn 13 to confirm it.
I still strongly believe that I’m bi but I’m too afraid to tell my parents. My parents aren’t okay with the LGBT community at all so it’s hard for me to deal with the fact that eventually I have to tell them that I’m a part of it. How do I come out in a way for them to accept me and how should I react if they don’t? Also, what are the some pros and cons about coming out?
-Kayla
Kayla, you’ve found my weakness: being relentlessly pursued! I do love a good chase. Well, you finally caught me, you ol’ saucebox, so I think that means I have to grant you three wishes. I hope advice on your three questions will suffice. Fortunately for me, they’re all the same question.
I think the query I get more than any other is “How do I come out?” but it comes in different packages. Most Wild Deuces write to me with just that line and little to no other information. I can’t help those people; coming out is such a personal act and any tips I might have to ensure safety and increase the chances of a positive response would be extremely specific to each situation.
Often when I get that plea, I’m unsure of what the letter writer is really asking. Coming out is not really about the “how.” There are many ways you could come out, whether armed with further educational material or empty-handed, canned or improv, with a bang or a whimper. It’s more about the “why” and the “should I?” — do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Again, it’s crucial that the answers are specialized to the coming-outer.
I see that you’ve already answered both “should I?” and “how.” Asking your Catholic school principal for help is a bold move, and rather brilliant. It will be good to have an adult with you to mediate the interaction, and from your description she sounds like a level-headed lady. You’ve also developed a cadre of supporters among your friends, for which you’ll be especially thankful as you work this out with your family.
I understand that you want your parents to accept you and not treat you differently but this is the part where your only option is to adjust your expectations. The fact is, your family is Catholic (I assume) and you know they don’t like LGBT people. There is a small chance that they’ll have an immediate change of heart about queer people once they realize that their beloved child is one. You need to prepare, though, for the more likely possibility that this is going to take a lot of getting used to for them. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have recommended that you come out right now considering how long six more years under their roof and in a Catholic school will feel if they take this badly. But it sounds like you’re determined and you’ve laid some excellent groundwork for your big post-birthday surprise.
Here are a few tips that might be useful:
Read the BRC’s “Coming Out As Bi” webpage in the “Youth” section and watch the videos.
Get in touch with a queer youth organization in your area to bolster your support network.
Read this letter to parents of bi kids. If you think it would be helpful to your parents, print it out and give it to them when you come out.
If your parents are struggling with reconciling your bisexuality with their faith, point them toward the Dignity website.
Like I told this other Deuce, don’t tell them you think that “everyone is bisexual.” Speak to your own feelings.
They will almost definitely claim that you’re too young to know what your sexuality is and that this is a phase. Probably what would work best is not to engage in the argument at all, simply replying, “I want you to be prepared if it isn’t.”
I think your real question, the real question behind every coming out letter I get, is, “How can I come out so that nothing will change?” You can’t. You can’t make them have the perfect reaction. Life is messy. But you’re opening the door to something more authentic, more magical, more you than you can imagine.
Here’s 13-year-old Jojo encouraging you to Get Out (of the closet). That’s peer support right there.
My boyfriend of two years just came out to me as bisexual. I’m really confused because we’ve had an excellent sex life for a year and a half. We’ve also had an excellent relationship. It’s the strongest either of us have ever been in.
When he told me of his bisexuality, I told him that I would give him a free pass to try being with a guy. I gave him a few stipulations, like that he can’t have full out sex with him and he has to tell me immediately afterwards what he was thinking and feeling — every possible thing he can think of. I also said I didn’t really want them to be friends because it would make me feel really hurt. He vehemently refused this free pass although I’ve offered it to him three times now.
He wants to marry me and isn’t interested in expressing the attraction he has to men. I don’t know what to think or do! I love him, he loves me, and we are both 100% devoted to each other, but I don’t think I’ll be completely comfortable again in our relationship until I know what he wants. He says he only wants me and no one else.
Please help. I’m falling apart over here. I’m terrified he’ll get bored and leave me because he’ll decide he likes men more. He is my first everything so I feel this incredibly deep emotional attachment to him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.
-Megan
This relaxation exercise should help: become aware of the muscles in your right pinky finger. Relax them until your pinky goes limp. Do the same with your left pinky; both are now loose and free. Repeat with your ring fingers, middle fingers, and index fingers. As you complete the exercise by slackening your thumbs and palms…
…you should be able to unclasp your hands from around your boyfriend’s throat.
Your “free pass” is not free. The price he pays is your getting to set the precise parameters for the sexual activity he is allowed to engage in and the relationship he is allowed to have with his sexual partner after their encounter (i.e. none). And, of course, he must do an exhaustive brain dump for you so that you can Thought Police him.
Your “free pass” is not a pass. It’s an order. It’s not for your boyfriend; he doesn’t want it. It’s for you, so you can convince yourself that he’s gotten it out of his system. You want him to exorcise this demon under tightly controlled conditions so that you can go forward in life without the slightest worry that he’ll ever leave you. You’re projecting your insecurities onto him and then trying to fix them by fixing him. Not only does it not work but it’s also no way to treat a fellow sentient being, much less someone you purport to love.
The bisexuality element of the situation is easy. He doesn’t feel the need to be with other men in the same way that you don’t feel the need to be with other men. Bisexuals are as capable of monogamy as anyone else. He has told you that he does not want to explore that part of his sexuality with someone else; it’s on you that you don’t believe him.
The part you’re playing here is a much larger cause for concern than bisexuality. You’re acting out of fear and ignorance*, and your controlling behavior could be a precursor for abuse. Healthy partners come to terms with the fact that life offers no guarantees and control is almost always an illusion. He may think he wants to marry you but the harsh reality is that you’re not nearly emotionally ready.
The best thing you can do right now is get to a place where you know that if you split up for any reason, you’d be OK. Really, I promise you: you would be OK. He’ll still be your first everything, you will keep a special place for him in your heart forever, but you would eventually move on with your life. I’m not saying this because I think you’re going to break up. I’m saying this because your refusal to believe that you’d survive it is starting to turn you into a monster.
*To address this: scroll up, click on “Back to the BRC website” and read.
Just have sex with a guy, then put on this Christopher Walken headset so I can experience your every thought and feeling about it, and we’ll never have another problem. Easy peasy.
On this fine two-fer Tuesday, Tiggy tips her fascinator to the wonderful gay men in our bi lives.
Dear Tiggy,
My queer friend keeps serving me up the “everyone’s a little bisexual” line. As a bisexual, this phrase annoys me both as a form of bi erasure (because if everyone’s bisexual, no one is) and also because I think it’s simply not true (i.e. I have met people who were Kinsey 0s or 6s).
But I have trouble just telling him to cut it out because I think he uses this as a discreet way to identify himself. Although he tells people he’s gay, he’s not a solid “Kinsey 6” and still has some attraction to women. This is his way of showing that part of himself, although he’s so predominantly attracted to men that the bisexual label doesn’t fit for him.
My question is, how can I tell my friend that I find this line problematic while giving him space to express his identity?
There’s a maxim that was reputedly first made popular by legal philosopher Zechariah Chafee, Jr. in the late nineteenth century: “Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man’s nose begins.” In your friend’s case, he’s welcome to identify himself however he likes but he doesn’t have the right to speak for anyone else.
After all, how could he possibly know whether everyone is a little bisexual? And doesn’t each individual have as much right to identify zirself as he does, even if that identity is “not bisexual in the least”?
The next time it comes up, you might say to him privately, “Hey, just so you know, the bisexual community frowns on the whole ‘Everyone is bisexual’ theory because it actually erases bisexuality as a valid identity. I just wanted to give you a heads-up so you don’t say it in front of the wrong person.” The mention of the bisexual community is critical, as it might get him thinking about bis as a discrete cultural group unto ourselves.
You’re kind to let him flail about as he settles on his sexuality but you’ll be doing both him and yourself a favor in letting him know when he inadvertently whacks you in the schnoz.
Dear Tiggy,
My best friend is a gay guy. I’m a bi girl. When we’re together we talk about cute boys nonstop and queer things in general, but I get this weird complex: I don’t talk about my girl crushes very often because he’s not interested, or at least he can’t relate. I feel like he thinks of me as some kind of “fag hag” — the straight girl along for the queer fun ride.
How do I get my friend to recognize me as equally queer as him?
-Kara
Let’s start by giving him the benefit of the doubt. Did he indicate that he isn’t interested in hearing about your girl crushes or did you assume that’s the case? Sure, he can’t relate to liking girls romantically, but he can relate to love — and to you, his friend. Truly, most of us enjoy dating gossip from friends no matter what gender the crush in question is. We just want dirt.
It also might be that he senses a hesitation from you and doesn’t want to push you to talk about girls if that makes you uncomfortable. Sort of a self-perpetuating cycle, isn’t it? Welp, there’s only one Wild Deuce who can break it, and that’s you, Miss Kara. Make an effort to insert some girl-talk into your conversations with him and give him a chance to be receptive.
If you’re both relatively young, it might be hard for you to carve out a queer identity without constantly crashing into each other. He might think he has to fit a certain stereotype in which he plays mascot to a feminine hag; you could be stuck thinking that because you’re bi, you have to prove to everyone else that you’re worthy of the “queer” label. I think it would help both of you to find additional queer friends, even if they’re just online. Once you start to see all the different kinds of queer people who don’t necessarily fit a mold, and you realize that you don’t need each other to fulfill your every single queer need, you can relax a bit.
What is love? Between a gay guy and a bi gal, it’s THIS.
