May 17, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m in a long-term relationship with the sweetest, most caring man in the world for six years. Sounds great, right? We just have one problem: I still occasionally crave a female sex partner. It got so bad at one point that I actually could not engage in sex with him. He allowed me to be with a female one time and we have been perfectly fine in the bedroom since. Now I’ve noticed that he’s become very insecure about my bisexuality and keeps asking if he is going to have to deal with that need every few years. I have no idea how to a) turn off that desire or b) help him to understand that it’s something that I personally can’t control. Please help.

—In Love with Needs

Of course he’s insecure about this. You both agreed to monogamy but now you want to change the rules mid-game. That’ll throw a dude off. From the looks of it, he probably feels like you withheld sex and then used your bisexuality as an excuse to justify your “need.” Please understand that this isn’t a need, it’s just a desire. It’s true that you can’t turn it off but that’s not to say that you’re at its mercy.

Let’s be clear: bisexuality and polyamory are two different things. Bisexuals don’t need a constant stream of both men and women any more than, say, a straight man needs a constant stream of blondes, brunettes, redheads, and raven-haired beauties. (Let us pause a moment to enjoy that yummy mental visual.) That’s a good thing because we’d all be exhausted trying to hook up with short and tall people, loud and quiet people, folks with brown/blue/hazel/green eyes – shoot, you’d have to bed the cast of Glee just to keep up. We do not need to fulfill our every urge, and a knack for enjoying the many genders provides no exception. When you choose to have a monogamous relationship, you choose not to act on your hankering to bone anyone other than your partner, regardless of demographic categories filled.

Do a cost-benefit analysis: would you rather enjoy the benefits of monogamy and forego being with women, or be free to be with women and eschew monogamy? It sounds like being poly is your preference but the catch here is that your beloved does not seem amenable. It’s possible, though, that if you come to an agreement of terms well in advance, that structure and transparency could make him feel secure enough to give it a go. (However, I’d warn against giving him a false sense of controlling your sexuality, i.e. him “allowing” you to be with someone.) Additionally, I’d take pains to make him see that your interest in an open relationship is not based on his supposed shortcomings. Let him know that he’s good enough, and that it’s not about that.

Nonetheless, if your guy is still not interested in an open relationship after you hash it out, you have a choice to make: monogamy with him or polyamory without him. I hate to say this to a fellow bi, but you can’t have it both ways.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 3, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I came out as bisexual last May and I’ve been talking to this girl for about a year. Things were going great until I started dating this guy who ultimately violated me a few weeks later. The girl I was talking to got really jealous and started talking to me about a certain guy that she only likes in order to get back at me. I can understand her jealousy and I can respect her feelings, but I am so hurt, so angry (at myself mostly), and just miserable. I want to make things right with her and for her to stop talking to me about her guy. I want what we had before guys even came into the picture.

Because I am so new at this, I’m wondering if it’s okay to have both a guy and a woman in my life at the same time. Is it normal? Or do I need to stick with one person at a time? I have been crying for over a week because I feel like I hurt my girl’s feelings and never thought she would get this jealous. I thought she would be accepting of it since I am very accepting of her dating her guy. Plus, I asked her to back off and give me some space to think, but it hurts that she’s now non-existent. I want to talk to her, not for her to ignore me.

I don’t know what to do or say. I am just lost. I would appreciate some feedback. Thank you.

—Whirlwind

Reading this letter makes me feel like I was run over by a moped-riding clown. Allow me to help sort this out, but first: you glossed over the fact that someone “violated” you. I’m not sure exactly what you mean but if you need someone to talk to, you can call RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE any time of day or night. Please don’t use your relationship dilemma to distract yourself from such an important personal issue.

Alright, onward: it appears that your major problem is a lack of concrete boundaries in these relationships. You’re “talking” to this woman, she’s “talking” to this guy — what does this mean? This stuff needs to be defined and the only way to do that is through honest communication. Based on what you’ve written, I have to admit that I don’t know if either of you are capable of that right now. Jealousy-induced revenge on someone you like is immature behavior. Moreover, if she knew that this man you were dating violated you and is still trying to make you feel bad, that’s unacceptable treatment. Meanwhile, you ask if you can have relationships with a man and a woman simultaneously but you also say you want what you both had before guys came into the picture. You tell her to back off and then lament her absence.

Enough. Sit down, clear your head, and decide what you really want. Don’t base it on what you think she wants or what you think is “normal”; there is no “normal.” There are plenty of people who have relationships with more than one person, whatever the gender, and they are called “polyamorous.” Since there are lots of ways to be poly, you will need to define exactly what that would mean for both of you, if that’s what you want. Frankly, it looks to me like you need to stick with NO people at this time. Regardless, you should do two really hard things: be honest with yourself and be honest with her. Figure it out, once and for all, and then tell her without all of the childish games.

And you know, as long as you’re being honest with yourself, you might acknowledge that you’ve helped create this dramafest because it gives you a thrill. Or it did…I mean, I’m sure it seemed exciting at first, but a week of wailing and gnashing of teeth isn’t exactly a trip to Six Flags, is it? Being honest about your feelings is scary but I promise you’ll find it more fulfilling in the end, no matter what the outcome.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 2, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m glad you started writing an advice column because I’ve got a question that I think you are uniquely placed to answer. It goes like this: I’m dating pretty much the coolest woman ever. She’s bi, and I’m a garden-variety straight guy. I’m not a super-newbie to the world of LGBT activism and of supporting my friends in the community, but the more time I spend with her, the more I realize that I don’t really have a great idea of what it means to be a bi ally or supporter. So much of the LGBT work I’ve done has focused on the L, G, or T. I kind of don’t know how to do the bi ally thing, at least not in any specificity or detail.

So here’s my question for you: aside from just generally being a decent boyfriend, what specific things can I do to make sure that I’m being a good bi ally both to her, and for her community? What sorts of actions can I take? Are there any resources out there for straight folks who want to be good allies to the bi-community, or a bi romantic partner in particular? Books, blogs, etc? I want to make sure I’m respecting the whole of my girlfriend’s personality and life experiences, and I won’t be able to do that right if I’m not being a good bi ally. Any recommendations?

—Looking to provide support

You know what’s great? That someone would even ask this question.

You know what stinks? That I can’t answer it.

I looked around for a website, book, essay, anything to drop some knowledge on non-bi partners of bi folks. As near as I can tell, it doesn’t exist. I then tried to find some information on how white people can support their non-white romantic partners, thinking that some of those tips might be transferrable. Believe it or not, even that doesn’t seem to be out there. Oy.

So I guess I’ll have to wing it. Here’s the key: since bisexuality means something different to all of us, start by asking her what it means to her. Come from a place of humility. Really listen. Don’t judge. Believe her.

I also think you’d do well to focus on #3 and #8 on the BRC’s “How to be an Ally to a Bisexual Person” brochure: celebrate bi culture with your partner in whatever way she prefers and stick up for bis when an opportunity arises. The bittersweet reality is that since bis so rarely get support, a little goes a long way.

If I may say so, your lady sure is lucky to have a partner who’s so eager to support her.

Readers, let me know how you think non-bi partners can be good allies and I’ll include your suggestions in a future column.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 19, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

How do you come out as bi to friends and family if you’re already in a heterosexual marriage?

I’m a guy who was always primarily interested in girls, but open to possibilities. My relationships from high school on were exclusively with women. I didn’t sleep with a guy until my late 20s, which was fun and gave me a chance to explore something I’d always been curious about.

Shortly after that, I started exclusively dating a woman whom I later married. She’s bisexual, too, though she had only one brief non-hetero relationship. Within our marriage, we’ve found space to explore our same-sex interests through fantasy, porn, and safe play with other bisexual couples. The outside world, though, sees our marriage and thinks of me as “straight.” That bugs me a little, because I feel there’s more to me than that, and I’m proud of it.

Is there a point to coming out? How the hell do you do it when the usual impetus (same-sex dating) isn’t something you’re planning anymore?

—Not Just Straight

Sure, there’s a point – a few of them, actually. In your situation, coming out can give you a feeling of integrity, a sense of oneness and wholeness, like you’re not accidentally lying-by-omission, like there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It can make you, and other people just like you, realize that they’re not alone, that there’s a whole community of married bisexuals out there. It can be personally validating, a way of saying, “I really am bi. This isn’t just something that I’m playing out in my head.” Of course, there are legitimate reasons to not come out as well, but it sounds to me like you’d like to find a way to do it.

Now that we’ve established why you might come out, I think you need to decide exactly who to come out to. The easiest folks to tell are other beguiling, bodacious bisexuals. Check BiNet’s map of bi groups in the U.S. to see if there’s one near you, and all the better if they offer a specific group for bi married people. If you can’t find a group like that, you can start your own on MeetUp.com. Surely if you’re suave enough to seal the deal with other bi couples, you can invite them over for a simple coffee klatsch, eh? For pointers on how to get a bi support group up and running, the BRC has a brand new pamphlet that you can download.

Still having trouble rounding up local bis? Start volunteering with the nearest LGBT organization. They may not have a lot of bisexuals in their ranks but these days, lots of Ls and Gs are eager to welcome Bs and Ts. When you volunteer regularly, eventually someone will ask how you got involved with the organization. You can reply that you’re bisexual and want to connect with the community (or whatever other phrase you rehearse in your head 100 times and wait with bated breath for someone to prompt).

Once you’re out to other queer people, you may want to take the next step and just be generally “out,” as it were. It’s an easy, three-part process…

1. Put the message out there. In college, the trick was to put a bi button on your backpack or bulletin board, or a bumper sticker on your car. It turns out that those methods work at any age and, as always, the BRC’s got you covered…covered in bi swag, that is. You can also start casually mentioning in conversation – meaning, of course, Facebook status updates – your interactions with the local queer group, what with all of the volunteering and socializing you’re doing now.

2. Have a stock phrase ready in case anyone wants to verify. “Oh, Ursula and I are both bisexual. It’s never been a secret or anything, it’s just that most people don’t know because we’re married to each other.”

3. Let it spread virally. It’s a pain to have to come out to everyone on the planet individually so you’ll enjoy having your gossipy friends do it for you. Ironically, it’s necessary to outsource when you Bi American.

I’m sure there are a few people who you’ll feel the need to have a “coming out” talk with, like your best friend or your siblings. I’d say you should tackle that some time after coming out to other queer folks but before you start in with the bi buttons. You’ll be more comfortable with it at that point, and your new LGBT friends can provide excellent support and suggestions to you.

Doesn’t this sound fun? We can’t wait to welcome you into the community! Git outta that closet — how’d you even get in there?! Gas up the ol’ bi-mobile and ride right on over to Out Town. All of the other married bisexuals sure will be happy to see you.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 5, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a bi woman in a relationship with a man whom I love and we have a great sex life. I still masturbate sometimes and when I do, I like to look at pictures and videos of naked women. I’m worried that he’ll find out that I like female porn and feel bad about himself because of it. It kills me to think that I might make him feel like he’s not enough for me or not what I want, or that he doesn’t turn me on. None of that is true at all! I just like mainstream female porn when I masturbate, I don’t know why.

Should I give up the porn entirely? I suppose I could incorporate it into our sex life but I don’t want to. Is it OK for me to like this stuff? If he ever finds out that this is what I like to masturbate to, is there anything I can say so that he doesn’t feel terrible about it?

—Pornland

It’s OK for you to like that stuff, and I think that’s the issue at hand here. I think if you start to see how many people – women, especially – enjoy porn and how varied our interests are, the shame angle of your story will dissipate and you’ll feel a lot less anxious about this. I get that you’re sincerely concerned for your boyfriend’s feelings but I also think that you’re projecting your discomfort onto him.

To get good with your totally normal porn appreciation, make a plan to go to a women-only event or two at the nearest progressive, women-owned sex shop, e.g. Good Vibrations in Boston and San Francisco, Babeland in Seattle and NYC, Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis and Denver, etc. I think it’ll do you good to see so many other women who are cool with whatever might turn them on. After that, summon up the courage to ask a few of your own female friends if they ever look at porn.

Next, pick up Violet Blue’s A Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn. The book is a review of how women can find porn that they like and addresses the obstacles therein, including how formulaic it is, the typical anti-women content, and more. The very first section in the first chapter is entitled, “Women Are Turned on by Explicit Imagery, Period.” A validating read, for sure.

Finally, you can keep your mainstream female porn all to yourself if you like, but I suggest that you try some new things in bed with your boyfriend – toys, other kinds of porn, the sky’s the limit. The sex shops listed above will be helpful in getting your creative (and, uh, other) juices flowing in that regard. I hear that your sex life is “great” but I don’t know if that means there’s a lot of variety there. See, I doubt that mainstream female porn is the only thing that gets you going. Once you find some other sexual funsies that you and your dude can share, the fact that you have this one thing that you want to keep to yourself won’t bother you as much. If your boyfriend ever does stumble upon your masturbatory preferences, both of you will already be confident that your joint sex life is dynamic and multi-faceted, so I doubt it will feel threatening to him.

One last thing: do you think you and he might start an ongoing conversation on what it means to you to be bi? That’s the other thing I’m picking up on: your need to completely compartmentalize your desire for women and your desire for men, at least in front of your boyfriend.

Alright, now go ahead and start the best homework anyone’s ever been given.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 22, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

What is your advice on strangers making assumptions about my orientation?

For example, I was eating dinner with a female friend (not date) one night. The next week I went into a coffee shop and saw two guys I was in a networking group with. One of the guys said, “Who was that cute girl you were with?” and other stuff implying that I was dating her. I was actually in a relationship with a man at the time but this guy didn’t know that. I felt it was really inappropriate for this guy to make an assumption about me, whether or not he was right. Plus, if he had been right, then he had basically outed me to a business colleague.

Secondly, I am friends with a straight couple who have hinted things about women. It kind of pisses me off because I have never mentioned to them any interest or history in dating women. It makes me uncomfortable. They tend to gossip, and if I trusted them I might have told them where I am on the sexual continuum. If I were to date a woman I would tell them, but I don’t like others pushing something I haven’t shared first. This hasn’t happened a lot but when it has, I feel it is intrusive.

Please note: I look very feminine, so it’s not as if I dress butch or have a buzz cut and then wonder why I’m getting comments. I’m not really into labels, I’m on a fluid continuum, but I just want to be the one to be in charge of what I share about myself. Any advice?

—Don’t Make Assumptions

Man, what is that urge to ask questions that are none of your business? I ask because I have it, too. My cousin got engaged to her long-time boyfriend recently and it’s all I can do not to say to her, “So, are you guys gonna have kids soon?” Now, logically, I know that that’s a classic jerkball question. It’s a prime example of everything you should not ask people for reasons too plentiful to list. And yet, I still had the urge. I daresay this is a mystery of human nature that we may never solve.

The bottom line is that just because you want to know personal information about someone else doesn’t mean you have a right to. I think in the age of TMZ, in which celebrities and even private citizens can nary blow their noses without it showing up on the six o’clock news, people have trouble understanding that basic fact. The examples you cite don’t seem to describe intentionally mean behavior; these people are simply not controlling their urges of curiosity. But you’re right: mean-spirited or not, it’s not OK for anyone to make assumptions about your orientation.

I think just a slight perspective change on your part might make you feel better about it. Again, you have every right to keep your private life private. But just for a moment, consider all of the women out there who have been in your position but their colleagues never question it. These women are all wondering, “Why didn’t they think I’m on a date with her? Are they that heterosexist? Maybe they just assume that I’m not queer because I look feminine. Or maybe they don’t think a cute girl like that would ever date me.” In a way, it’s a bit of a compliment that all of these people sense what a love magnet you are.

For people who you don’t know well, reply to their questions as simply as you can, in the same manner that your lawyer would counsel you to answer questions on the stand. “Who was that cute girl you were with?” “A friend from my book club.” Period. Change the subject to networking. If they continue to make comments, pointedly but politely don’t respond. This is best pulled off with a Mona Lisa smile. If that’s not your style, try a wide-eyed blank look and a quirk of the eyebrows. Whatever you do, do not explain yourself. Do not tell them you’re in a relationship with a man, do not tell them that you weren’t on a date, etc. It’s none of their business.

For people you know better, tell them that when you have something to share about your personal life, you’ll let them know in your own time. Also mention that you’re the kind of person who is more likely to open up if she’s not pushed. They’ll get the hint. This is how lots of my married friends are: they want all of the details of the wild, swingin’ single life they think I’m having – and the gorier the details, the better. You should probably throw them a bone at some point, just for charity’s sake.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 8, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy


Dear Tiggy,

I’m engaged to the most incredible woman in the world (sorry, everyone else!). Everything is going fairly smoothly as we plan the wedding and our lives together but there’s been one sticking point: she wants me to take her last name. Kind of insisting on it, actually.

Really, she just wants us to have the same last name. However, we agree that our last names are too clunky to be hyphenated, and we don’t want our future kids to be stuck with that. I don’t want her taking my name because I don’t think we should change our names at all. For me, my name is my identity, so trading it out for my partner’s doesn’t sit well with me.

I hate to admit it, but there’s a tiny part of me that thinks this has something to do with me being bi. (She’s a lesbian.) Like, maybe she thinks that if I had wed a man, I would have changed my name for him. (I wouldn’t have.)

Am I making a big deal out of nothing or should I stick to my guns? Or are we missing the compromise here?

—In Limbo

I’ll bet a nickel it doesn’t have anything to do with your being bi or her assumptions therein. You’ve done a good job of sussing out precisely what she wants – i.e. for you to have the same last name — but you need to get to the bottom of why. The fact that you think it has something to do with your being bi indicates that you haven’t fully communicated on this issue. Have you told her what you told me about your name being your identity? Have you asked her why it’s important to her that you share a last name?

Start there and build a compromise. You haven’t nearly exhausted all of your options on combining names – how about combining your names into a new one, like Melissa Etheridge did with Julie Cypher? How about keeping your names but each of you tattooing the other’s on your back? – so don’t be afraid to think outside the box as you try to satisfy your values.

For the record, whenever I’ve seen this issue before, the person who wants everyone to have to the same last name feels strongly that it makes them and their children an “official” family. If she’s having trouble articulating why this issue is important to her, you might throw that out as a possibility.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 7, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a bisexual woman in college “dating” (read: hooking up with) this guy I’ll call “Dan.” He’s in a fraternity with “Michael” who’s dating (read: going on dates with) my good friend, “Mary.” Mary and I met in our university queer group.

Mary identifies as a lesbian but she genuinely likes Michael as a person and is dating him to see if there’s some chemistry there. Although she’s out, she hasn’t yet mentioned to him that she’s queer and somehow he doesn’t know. She’s going to tell him soon, before they even kiss. So that’s all good.

Dan knows who Mary is because they’re from the same town. He knows that she and I are friends because he’s seen us together. I’m pretty sure he knows I’m bi; like Mary, I’m out but it hasn’t come up.

The problem? Dan keeps asking me: “So, how do you know Mary?” I think he knows that I know her from the queer group and is trying to get me to say it.

Besides the fact her sexuality is none of his business, I don’t want him to tell his frat brother that she’s a lesbian before she does because: DRAMA. On top of that, I don’t even feel like I can out myself to him now because he’ll assume that I know Mary from the queer group and go running to Michael. So what do I say to him when he asks me that?

—Lambda Gamma Beta Tau

The next time he asks, look him in the eye and say, “Why do you keep asking me that?” If he gives a sort of non-committal, “I don’t know” response, don’t let him off the hook right away. Say, “But this is, like, the fourth time you’ve asked me that. Why?” You’re essentially calling his bluff and he’s likely to back down.

On the odd chance that he directly asks if Mary is a lesbian or if you know her from the queer group, ask him, “Why aren’t you asking her this?” If he doesn’t know her well enough to ask, then he doesn’t need to know.

Keep in mind that he might actually be asking this to because he wants to know more about you. For that, go easy on him because he’s not sure how to broach the subject. Let him know that you’re happy to talk about yourself with him but you have a policy of not talking about other people’s personal business.

And for future reference, if you can’t say you know someone from the queer group because you don’t want to out them (or yourself), always use the ol’ “we have mutual friends” gambit. Hard to prove false and just vague enough to sound real.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 6, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and have unfortunately been long-distance for the majority of such time. However, we have planned for me to move in with him this coming January, something I’ve never done in a relationship before, so I’m already a little nervous.

He confided in me that he has been curious about having sex with another male, but more recently described this desire as more of a craving for submissive behavior (on his end). Since we have agreed to an exclusive relationship, I have been very willing and open to sexually experimenting to satisfy him. For example, we bought a strap-on and plan to use it the next time we can be intimate. Up until this point, I have had a slight feeling of insecurity in relation to his attraction, but we have talked it out and everything has been fine.

I am fully aware that he enjoys gay porn and have absolutely no ill feelings regarding it. What I did have a poor reaction to, however, was when he sometimes refuses to masturbate with me via Skype (while we are apart) because he would rather masturbate to porn.

In hearing this, I felt unwanted and very betrayed because most of the time that is as physical as we can possibly get. Though we’ve talked through it and have come to a resolution, I’m having issues in feeling sexually connected to him (on top of the distance). I’ve found myself looking at other men as prospects and occasionally feeling like, sexually, the relationship has been tainted. This is especially alarming and shameful to me because I consider myself to be a very loyal lover, though in that, I expect the same in return. So far, he has agreed to such, but I definitely feel like that was a step in the wrong direction. I want to be sure to explain that I would feel just as betrayed and hurt if he was looking at porn with other women instead of me, but being straight, this does make it a little more confusing for me.

Any input you have in regards to the situation would be greatly appreciated. And yes, I know, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me!

-Red Flag or Minor Mishap?


You’ve been doing everything right so far. For the record, there’s nothing about a man wanting to be pegged (i.e. be penetrated by a female partner wearing a strap-on dildo) or even watching gay male porn that says he’s necessarily queer. And as you’ve outlined, that’s not really the issue anyway.

Having a partner who masturbates, with or without tools (including porn), is not inherently problematic. It’s only a red flag when s/he does it instead of being intimate with a willing partner. But you’ve communicated and resolved this dilemma, and you continue be open to trying new things in the boot-knockin’ department. All excellent stuff.

Did his incidents of “porn-over-partner” occur after you agreed to move in together, or perhaps when the move-in date came close enough to feel real? If so, it might be partly a reaction of nervousness on his part. He could be pushing you away and subconsciously soaking up every last bit of alone-time before you live together. Similarly, your wandering eye is most likely a way to “protect” yourself from him making you feel unwanted and betrayed again, as if to say, “I don’t need him. I could find someone else in a snap.”

It’s completely normal to be freaked out by deciding to live with your partner. In fact, there’s virtually always a bit of mutual resistance just before —and just after— a move-in. You know, a smart lady once told me that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you (or vice versa)…

I will admit, Minor Miss with the Crimson Flag, that I’m just a smidgen worried about you, only because I’m not sure whether you have a support system in your new location. Please put effort into creating one, or making sure the one you’re leaving will still be there to catch you if you fall. That way, if you and your man ultimately decide that you’re not on the same page, sexually or otherwise, you’ll know that you can handle it. But bottom line: no need to worry just yet. Keep communicating and ride out the move-in. Things will be much clearer on the other side.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.