January 10, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a woman and have been attracted to women for as long as I can remember, but have never acted on it. I’ve had a few boyfriends, many crushes, but I never felt like I was being totally true to myself. After I finished college last May, I decided to travel because I needed a radical change. With this fresh start, I felt motivated and in touch with myself, including the fact that I am bisexual – in fact, maybe even on the gay side of the Kinsey scale.

I had a few flings in Cuba, which were exciting but not satisfying. On one of my last nights, I met a guy who seemed really sweet. Late that night, he asked me if I felt anything for him, and I didn’t know…so I kissed him, and it was magical! We spent my last four days together and it was some of the happiest times of my life.

I left to continue my journey but he and I kept in touch almost daily through emails. I hooked up with a few guys along the way, but it was purely sex. I felt like I had met the man of my dreams and I had to take advantage of being somewhat single while I could, as I was a late bloomer sexually. I told him about the infidelity because I wanted to be completely honest with him. He was a bit hurt but understood and said we could leave it in the past.

After five months, I went back to him. We talked about being together in the future and the probability of marriage in order to be together. All was glorious but after a while, I got sick. I started worrying, thinking that my physical unease was from the pressure of this relationship. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I am just learning who I am! It turns out that I had a kidney infection, but all the unease led to renewed doubts about my sexuality. He could tell I was changing; things he would do would bother me unnecessarily. We almost broke it off but I couldn’t, it just didn’t seem right. Never seeing him again seemed unfathomable.

I’ve now been back in South America for the last two months. Within a few weeks, I told him about my attraction to women and how I didn’t know what to do. He said he needed me to know what I want because the distance is hard enough. I felt relief being honest with him as well as sadness. I love him and I want to share my life with him in so many ways…but what to do about the sexual part? The sex with him was good but there’s this nagging feeling that I need to try being with women. How could I let so much curiosity go untested?

The question is where to go from here. I am feeling lost and racked with guilt because my curiosity continues, it affects my sleep and my appetite. In the street, I look at men and women and constantly measure my level of attraction, comparing and contrasting. I have the support of friends and family from afar and am only staying here for now due to a great career opportunity. I want to talk to my boyfriend about how I’m feeling, but not over the phone, and I won’t be going back to Cuba for a few months. My mother told me to hook up with a girl first to see how I feel, but I don’t want to be unfaithful again.

I really don’t want to lose him and couldn’t bear to hurt him. I can imagine a future with him, children even…but for now, all I need is some inner peace. I want to be the best “me” possible, open and loving, because it’s what he deserves and I want to give it to him. Any suggestions?

—Love Embargo

P.S. Reading your advice column makes me feel less alone.

Normally, I edit the letters down to much shorter than this, but I so enjoyed this international soap opera that I had to share it with the Wild Deuces. Love Embargo, you’re a remarkable protagonist: so earnest, so adventurous, so full of feelings, and you sincerely try to treat the one you love with respect.

You know you’ll have to make a choice here and no matter what, you’ll experience pain and a loss in some area of your life. I think you’re asking me which choice is the one that will bring the least pain to your boyfriend, and which choice makes the most sense in terms of your personal growth. Your situation reveals a selflessness toward your man and yet a respect to yourself as a woman striving for self-actualization. Of course, you’ve put Tiggy in the position of bearing the bad tidings…

Ah, Love Embargo. You have to let him go.

You have to let yourself explore. Now is not the time in your life for permanence (i.e. marriage) or promises (i.e. monogamy).You can imagine a future with him but today is not the future; it’s now, you’re 23, you’re seeing the world, and you have yet to “test your sexual curiosity.” Add in the long-distance aspect of the relationship and – as much as you truly do love each other – I don’t see a way to reconcile this romance with reality.

The kindest way to treat him in this case is to cut him loose. I’m glad that your mom so openly supports your sexual exploration but I’m with you: cheating is not the way to do it. Continue the fully honest exchange you’ve carefully established with him. Don’t leave him hanging on to you while you get with other people. It will tear him apart.

I’m sorry for the tears you’ll share as you work this out. I hope you can salvage a deep friendship with each other.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 1, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

After a ten-year hiatus, I (a woman) have started dating a woman. This is not the problem; in fact, this is wonderful. The issue is that when I was a teenager, I never felt the need to come out to my family, and now that I am older, I think that it’s high time, uncomfortable though it may be. 

Now, this woman is wonderful, but my decision to come out at this time is one that I’m making because it’s time. How do I manage this in such a way that it doesn’t put an undue pressure on this very new relationship? I don’t want her to feel the responsibility for what I’m dealing with family-wise, as it doesn’t really have anything to do with her.

—Late Bloomer

Well…doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a pretty big coincidence that you feel it’s time to come out at the very moment you start dating a most fabulous woman (congrats, by the way!).

She’s dating you, and that means all of you — your whole, wonderfully complicated package. She’s dating a woman who has been comfortably out to herself, and possibly her friends as well, for years and years, but not out to her family. Your new belle is probably having a great time getting to know your interesting self, and this is part of that. Not only can she handle it, I’ll bet she’s enjoying the ride. Creating bonds with someone is as messy as a Gallagher show, but if she couldn’t take getting splashed with watermelon juice, she wouldn’t have bought a ticket.

Aside from the above acceptance and lezzie-faire attitude, you can feel free to put off introducing her to your family for a bit. Your relationship is still in its burgeoning stage and your family probably wants to chew on your news on their own timetable. When she doesn’t have to manage your family’s feelings but also isn’t “shielded” from yours, you’ll know you’ve hit the right balance.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 18, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy


Dear Tiggy,

I just recently came to terms with knowing that I am bisexual. I tend to be more attracted to women but I’m still attracted to men. I just got a divorce from my wife who treated me like I wasn’t a man because I’m bi and made me feel ashamed. I’m HIV positive, almost homeless, about to drop out of school, and a veteran of eight years. I have no friends or family up here in upstate New York and I’m at my wits’ end. I don’t know how much more I can take between my ex-wife making false police reports on me, having no food to eat, and being alone. I just don’t know what to do and when I stumbled on your site, I figured I’d give it one last try. I don’t know how much longer I can last like this; I’m not as strong as I used to be. Thanks for listening.

—John from Poughkeepsie


I’m so glad you reached out to me, John. This is a terrible time for you right now but you’re going to get through this. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will weather this difficult storm and come out stronger on the other side because you’ll know that if you got through that, you can get through anything.

You need support, and badly. You’re vulnerable on just about every possible front. If you can move to where friends or family are, do so, and as soon as possible. Move in with them temporarily so you can have a home, food, and contact with people who love you. I suspect that you don’t want to be a burden on anyone but in dire straits — and, John, they don’t get more dire than you’ve described — you have to swallow your pride and ask for help. It’s a necessary stepping stone to getting back on your feet. Keep in mind that until you have at least a temporary home and you know where your next meal is coming from, you won’t be able to fully help yourself. Because you’re moving, you’ll need to drop out of school for now but credits do transfer. It doesn’t mean you’ll never go back. However, getting hundreds of miles away does mean that your ex-wife will probably stop calling the cops on you.

When you get settled with people who love you, your plan of action should be to get into the social service system. Leave no stone unturned: find the nearest support center for HIV-positive people, for veterans, for the homeless, and for elders if you’re 50 years old or older. Ask each of them to assign you a social worker; they can provide and suggest resources like food, housing opportunities, legal assistance, debt relief, and employment. There IS help out there for you, especially since you fall into certain categories of vulnerable people.

John, summon your energy and call a friend or family member today to see if they’ll put you up for a while. If the first person you call can’t help, keep calling friends until someone can. Then throw whatever you own into your car and go to them. Please let people help you. And check back in with me so I know that you’re doing better. The bi community is pulling for you.

UPDATE for “Looking to Provide Support”: There’s a new Facebook group called “Bi Standers” for mates, partners, husbands, and wives of mixed-orientation marriages, state-recognized or otherwise. It’s a cyberspace for all members of these long-term relationships who want support or to be supportive to others.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 23, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Wild Deuces,

It occurs to Tiggy that there is a lot of bad advice out there, confusing the lot of us and putting a wrench in our interpersonal relations, bisexual or otherwise. From antiquated myths to advisors with the occasional blind spot, there’s no lack of sources for these counterproductive ideas and it’s tough not to adopt those that we’ve heard over and over.

So I thought that instead of answering questions on this Tuesday, I’d instead squash some of the worst offenders in one fell swoop. Won’t that be cathartic? Here goes…

Intimacy cannot be measured in time. Relationships cannot be judged by length.

Perhaps not having had a long-term relationship is an indicator that there’s something holding you back. Perhaps it’s an indicator that you exit unhealthy relationships at the right time. Either is as likely as the other.

There’s a difference between privacy and shame.

If all of your friends have met someone (or many someones) and you haven’t, the most likely reason is that while there’s a lot of what they’re looking for, there’s comparably less of what you’re looking for.

Just because someone doesn’t date or have sex – with a specific kind of person or at all – doesn’t mean they don’t want to.

Problematic dating behavior doesn’t necessarily stem from past trauma.

There are circumstances when it’s OK to break up with someone over the phone.

You can end a relationship for virtually any reason. You do not lose your right to do so because the person in question has not hurt you.

Dating online is not for losers, nor does it indicate a participants’ mindset of ordering off a menu.

You will grow out of dating obnoxious people with whom it will never work. You will be attracted to other kinds of people.

Opposites might attract but they generally don’t get along.

There is no such thing as being “too picky.” If you wanted to be partnered more than you wanted to be happy, you’d settle.

Losing your virginity (which is a worthless construct anyway) beyond the drinking age is not at all uncommon and it’s not a reflection of your value as a lover, partner, or even eye-candy.

One of the best things about same-sex dating and relationships is that you aren’t bound to the bizarre social conventions and gendered behavior guidelines of opposite-sex dating. That said, you still need to treat your romantic counterpart as such, and not as casually as a friend.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 9, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 28-year-old man in a seven-year relationship with my male partner. For the last two years, we have been in an open relationship and have been very successful in our endeavors – so successful that I have come out to my partner about my sexual attraction to women. He has been very supportive and caring about it, and I can’t thank him enough.

I don’t have much experience with women and I’m not sure how to get the ball rolling. I’ve had a lot of female friends that I’ve had feelings for but never took action for obvious reasons. Should I be honest about my sexuality and my relationship? Am I deluding myself for thinking there would be any women interested in me?

—Gay-Now-Bi

Dang it, what’s with all you Wild Deuces lately thinking that no one is going to like you? Gay-Now-Bi, you’ve got a man who loves you enough for a seven-year commitment and accepts you for who you are. You must be the shiznit to attract caliber like that. I bet the whole district digs your chili.

The answers to your questions, in order, are a solid “yes” and a solid “no.” I don’t have quite enough information on your love style or your specific brand of poly relationship to tell you how to proceed but here’s a possible game plan that you might be able to shape to your liking…

Go to mixed-gender parties or bars and get to chatting with a woman you find attractive. Don’t be afraid to flirt – the ladies will love it. If she asks about your relationship status, just say, “I have a boyfriend but we’re open and I’m bi.” If the situation feels right, you two can make out. Then, tell your dude-lovin’ female friends about it. They’ll be psyched for the gossip, and it gives you the perfect “coming out” tool. Better still, it sets the stage for possibly flirting with them in the future; they’ll be more receptive instead of being caught all unawares. Voila, the word will be out that you’re open for business, and customers will not be refused for too much estrogen!

Oh, one more thing: you might want to get hooked up with the bi community and meet the bevy of women who prefer bi guys. Didn’t know that group existed, didja? Check out Ann Herendeen’s books and stand-up comedy…she’ll tell you allll about it.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 26, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m glad I found the site and your advice column. I am pretty surprised to find that I’ve made it to 42 and am still closeted about my bisexuality, especially considering how many awesome queer friends I have now and over the years. I’ve reached a really conflicted point in my life, though, and something has to change.

I believe one of the issues that has held me back from being open or pursuing any relationships with women (other than some wonderful sexual experiences in college) is that a platonic lesbian friend once really shut me down when I expressed interest in women. We had gone out to a lesbian club and I commented to her that there was a wide, empty circle around me on the dance floor. She said, “Yeah, they can smell the straight on you.” I was crushed started to feel hopeless about any same-sex potential. I am femme, completely, but that would undoubtedly be pleasing to many. I put my head down and only dated men since then, but lately her comment has haunted me. She and others have also said things to me like, “Oh, you like dick too much.”

The other issue is that, during times of potential intimacy with the man I have dated most recently, I felt really tense and broke down in tears. I chalked it up to simply not being over a past relationship; it’s partly true but I just don’t think that’s the whole story. As someone else wrote to you, when I masturbate it is exclusively to female images and women’s porn. I am becoming aware that I might like to have the chance to date another woman, but fear that I won’t be accepted by other bi women or lesbians.

I would love to hear any thoughts you might have on my history. Thank you for listening.

—Mid-Life Bi

You never dated women because someone made a rude “joke” to you, once, years ago?

I don’t think one unkind comment has the power to scare you off loving ladies forever. It’s more likely that you’re hanging on to that as an excuse not to date. But what are you so afraid of? Of course some queer women are going to like you! There’s not only a huge community of bisexuals out there, but there’s also a powerful movement of Femme Pride.

You know what I’d be afraid of if I were you? Living the rest of my life without ever discovering this fun, fascinating part of myself.

It’s pretty generous for you to describe your LBT friends as “awesome” when it seems that they’ve given you little support for your sexual awakening. The good news is that you don’t need the approval of every – or any – queer woman on this issue. They’re not gatekeepers to the Kingdom of Lady Love; only you hold the key.

There’s nothing stopping you from dating women except yourself. You can dig deep and discover your arcane reasons for doing that, but I have an even better idea: skip the self-therapy and just start dating women. Online dating was made for your situation. Bite the bullet, post a profile, and start making dates.

You don’t have to have everything all figured out; just go on some fun dates with interesting women and see if you click with any of them. It’s as easy as that. Don’t spend one more minute of your life wishing you had.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 12, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 58-year-old, twice-divorced man. Ever since I hit puberty and had some homosexual encounters with a cousin and other pubescent male friends, I’ve desired the sexual activities but have zero-zip-zilch emotional connection with men.

I NEVER look at a man and say, “Wow… I’d really like to [sexual activity].” But I always notice women, am attracted to them – and they to me – and enjoy both sex and emotional connection with them. However, for years, I frequented adult bookstores with video booths with glory holes and performed oral sex on many men anonymously. I also have had anal sex with men less than a dozen times. After the physical encounters, I experience the most debilitating shame and guilt to the point of suicide (which I obviously haven’t carried out since I’m still here).

I haven’t done anything with a man in a very long time but the desire is still there. I think about it every day. I wish I could satisfy the physical desire, but there’s just no way that I would ever want a real relationship with a man. My relationships with women are positive and fulfilling, yet this other desire is always present. I’m in a relationship with a woman now (not living together, though) and she would not tolerate this kind of behavior.

Any thoughts, ideas, “cures”?

—Crater Lake

My dear, I am neither willing nor able to “cure” you of human sexuality, as there is nothing sick about it. From where I sit, your problems regarding this issue are: 1.) post-sex shame/guilt, and 2.) securing an optimal emotional and sexual situation.

For the first, I’m so sorry to hear that shame and guilt over something that is not wrong is eating you up. If you’re ever suicidal again, please call 1-800-SUICIDE immediately. When your brain is set on self-destruct over something as benign as consensual sex between adults, you are not thinking clearly. One of the hotline counselors can talk you down until you realize how senseless and terrible it would be to take your own life.

There’s only one way I know of to get rid of shame: you have to get your secret out. It’s been locked up in your mind, festering and poisoning you, making you think crazy things like that you’re bad for doing what you do. Unburden yourself from this secret and feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. Say it out loud.

I’m sending you on a Get-It-Off-My-Chest Mission. Don’t start out by shouting it from the rooftops, though; pace yourself…

1. Tell one person online who you’ll never meet anyway. (Hey, you already told me – nice job!)

2. Tell more people online: chat anonymously with likeminded folks on one of the Craigslist discussion forums.

3. Tell a therapist: let him know that you want to work on alleviating shame surrounding your sexual behavior.

4. Ask him to recommend an appropriate men’s conversation group. Tell the people there.

By then, you’ll hear that other people have the same sexual and romantic feelings and activities as you. I promise that experiencing that validation is unlike anything else.

As for the second, that’s what we’re all looking for. You’re really not that different from everyone else, I swear. Maybe you’ll decide that you can live without having other sexual partners as long as you can stay with your lady. Here’s a secret that I told Conan O’Brien: nobody gets exactly what s/he wants in this world. “Good enough” can be pretty darned good. However, if I may say so, it doesn’t sound like you’re content with the status quo.

I think you’ve done some great work in identifying your ideal situation: a sexual and emotional relationship with a woman, with the freedom to have the occasional sexual encounters with men. If you want to stay with your current partner, at least consider asking her if she would be amenable to an arrangement that meet your desires. As they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

If you and she decide to part ways, you might find some folks on your Mission whose desires match well with yours (like people in the poly community). Of course, it’s hard to negotiate your needs with a potential romantic partner, and yeah, some of them might “run screaming from the room,” as it were, but you know what? Lots of them won’t. Many of them will have their own quirks to bring to this bargaining table. Some of them will even be turned on by what you’re into. And if you’re lucky, one very special character will fit you perfectly.

Courage, friend. Check back in to let us know how your Mission goes.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 28, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

This is probably the most asked question, but how can I rebut people who don’t believe that bisexuals exist? I tend to get into arguments about this. Is there anything more I can say besides, “Yes, we do”?

—Responder

Advice columnists always say the same thing about these scenarios: don’t give a snappy comeback, just rise above their rudeness. And they’re right, that is what you should do. But ask yourself: is it more important to be right or to be a wise-ass? On Tiggy Tuesdays, the answer is always (b). (Note: everything hinges on the delivery with these, so be sure to practice.)

Cautious: “Well, I mean, maybe I’ll come out as fully gay when I’m comfortable with it. I’ve identified as bi for 17 years now, so I think in another 17, I might be ready.”

Condescending: “I know you don’t, Sweetie. It’s OK, you can understand sex at your own pace. Only married men and women ‘do it,’ and only to have babies. You just take your time.”

Confession: “OK, OK, you’re right. Bisexuality is just something that the Witness Protection Program made up. Thanks for blowing my cover, jackass. Now I have to move again.”

Current Events: “No, I’m not a closeted lesbian. I’m actually the real Whitey Bulger. I’m just really, really trying to throw people off the trail. Thank God they nabbed that old guy – who was that?”

Greedy: “People think I’m just greedy, but you’re the one denying entire genders your smoldering hotness. Aren’t you the selfish one here?

Existential: “Did you ever think that bisexuals are real, and everyone else is lying? And that we’re all just part of someone’s elaborate dream? What is the sound of one bisexual clapping?

I’m Rubber, You’re Glue: “We don’t believe that you exist either…well, the Tooth Fairy believes you exist but he thinks you’re an asshole.”

Living Under a Rock: “You don’t think bisexuals exist? I…I’ve never heard that before. What an astute view of sexuality – hey, have you heard about this new ‘Kinsey’ study that just came out?”

Sarcastic: “You’re probably right. Personally, I’m just a closeted gay but I’m saying I’m bi because everyone’s way more accepting of that.”

Responding to an ex-boyfriend: “You apparently didn’t believe that my clitoris existed either, so pardon me if I don’t take your word for it.”

Responding to a straight homophobe: “You know, for someone who purports to be so straight, you sure seem to know a lot about queer life.”

Responding to a gay friend: “We exist as much as that girl you secretly fucked six years ago.”

Responding online, A.K.A. Godwin’s Law: “What else are you going to deny the existence of —- the Holocaust?!?!”

The Flirt: “Twenty minutes alone with me, and I’ll have you believing you’re bisexual.” [wink]

The Contest: “YES! I only need three more people to deny that bisexuals exist, and then I win an iPod.”

The T-Shirt: “It’s not a phase, it’s my life.” **You can buy these in the BRC Store, just saying…

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 14, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a sixteen-year-old girl and I’m at a really confusing part in my life. As a kid, I identified as straight because I didn’t know there was any other option. I had my first real crush when I entered ninth grade, and it was on a girl. I really wanted her to be my girlfriend. I was really confused, but I made myself get over her. I see girls and check them out. There’s so many of them at my school, it’s like constant bombardment. Every crush I get is on a girl. I do think guys can be cute, though. There’s this one boy that I want as a boyfriend.

Thinking about sex with a guy sounds painful to me, but I’ve never tried it. I’m also curious as to what sex with a girl would feel like. Girls really turn me on. One of my friends came out as lesbian to me and I felt like I should have come out to her, but I have no idea what I am. I have never kissed or been with anyone before. I want to come out. Should I come out as bi?

—Booklover

I want you to think of your sexuality label as a favorite shirt.

Do you have one favorite shirt for your whole life? Probably not — maybe you grow out of it, maybe you move to a different climate and it’s not warm enough anymore, maybe styles change and argyle suddenly seems passe. But it’s just a shirt, not a suitcase of diamonds that you’ve handcuffed yourself to. When it’s not working for you anymore, you get a new one.

The two most important things about this shirt are that you like it and it fits. Only you can decide those things; no one else has to wear your shirt, so they can’t judge whether it’s bunching up in the armpits or if the color kind of washes you out. Tiggy the Saleslady can offer you some suggestions but remember that it’s always in your hands. Don’t let some fool put a shirt on you. And hey, don’t overthink it. Worse case scenario: you get a case of buyer’s remorse, so you get a new shirt. No biggie.

Lemme take a look at you…I’d say you’re probably a size “Q” for “Questioning.” We don’t really know until you try it on, though. You don’t have to wear it in front of anyone right away, or ever. Take plenty of time to look in the mirror and decide how it feels. People usually determine the comfortability based on whether it jibes with their crushes, their fantasies, their romantic history, their politics, their culture, and their view of themselves. You call the shots on how important each one of those things is. Finding the right fit is an art, not a science.

If the “Bisexual” label feels better to you, then great, go with that. “Bisexual” was a label that a lot of questioning folks used to use before “Questioning” became an option. Some bis are still touchy about that, but only because after using our label as a safe harbor, a handful of former-bis went on to spread the false rumor that all bis are just closeted gays/lesbians. (What people don’t realize is that a large amount of folks do the opposite, i.e., identify as gay or lesbian and then later change their label to bisexual.) So as long as you’re not a hater later, you’re more than welcome to snag a fabulous bi shirt for however long you want it.

Why don’t you research what each letter of our community means and see how you feel about them: LGBTTTQQIAA. Also, check out the definitions of these B.I. (bi-inclusive) identities: fluid, pansexual, omnisexual, and pomosexual. You might decide to keep your Straight shirt on for now even though you think you’re growing out of it – that works, too. Last but not least, there are many people who are most content with no sexuality label at all. That’s right, even going topless is an option.

I know that this process can make you feel like you’re in an airport on a layover; you just want to get where you’re going already. But we’re all on our own lifelong, dynamic journeys of sexuality, and getting there is much more than half the fun. I think you should focus on building relationships with people you think are cool, entirely regardless of gender. Absolutely do not push yourself to try anything romantic or sexual that makes you uncomfortable; it will not “prove” anything about your sexuality one way or another.

Good luck, Booklover, and happy shirt shopping!

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 31, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My friend and I are having a dispute and I’m wondering if you can help me out. He says that there’s no real reason to tell my health care provider that I’m bi because I can essentially just be treated as a gay person or a straight person, depending on with whom (or whether) I’m having sex around the time of my visit. I think he’s wrong but I can’t seem to articulate why. Help?

—HMO but not quite H-O-M-O

I think there’s something to be said for coming out as bi whenever possible in order to shrug off this invisibility cloak that we keep finding ourselves under. It would do your health care providers — heck, the world — well to understand just how many bi folks they’re really dealing with every day. But beyond simply making a statement, you should disclose because the health of bi folks is at greater risk in a variety of ways than straights and, believe it or not, lesbians/gays.

Amy Andre and Cheryl Dobinson are two of the most prominent bi health researchers in the world, and their work in the NGLTF’s “Bisexual Health” book is critical to your argument. You don’t have to read the whole thing, just skip to Appendix A for the top ten bisexual health issues. I’m talking about addictive substance use, cancer, depression/anxiety, suicidal ideation, and more. I’ll say it again: we’re statistically worse off than all non-bis. That’s pretty shocking.

Unfortunately, when we’re not out and counted, these facts are hidden. So when researchers like Andre and Dobinson attempt to study bi health, they are strongly urged to research gays and lesbians instead because we bis are considered an insignificant niche. This leads to a lack of bi health information on our community, convincing us that our health issues are the same as gays/lesbians or straights and, thus, we don’t need to identify to our providers. This confirms to research funders that it would be a waste of time supporting bi health projects, and…well, you get the idea. It’s a vicious cycle of bad bi health.

It’s entirely up to you whether you disclose your bisexuality to your doc but I think it could only help, assuming s/he is a professional and provides a safe space. And if the only reason you’re not disclosing is because you think it’ll freak out the medical staff, let me tell you: those people have heard way worse. I mean WAY worse. Rest assured, whatever kind of sex you’re having, you can not gross out a nurse. Believe that.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.