AVEN

Dear Tiggy,

Hi, my name is Lana. I’m 23 and from Italy.

Since I was young, I’ve felt that my romantic and sexual orientation didn’t match. I fall in love with guys but I feel same-sex sexual attraction. Is this possible?

-Lana

Yes, it’s possible to have a romantic orientation that differs from your sexual orientation. I think we can credit the asexual community for introducing the general public to the idea of romantic attraction as separate from sexual attraction. (Incidentally, just as there are asexuals, there are also aromantics.) AVEN — The Asexual Visibility & Education Network — is a fantastic resource for learning more about this, even if it doesn’t necessarily relate to asexuality itself. Take a gander at the General FAQs for an education on attraction.

Allow me to offer a mere two examples of your many kindred spirits with this discussion and this discussion on the “Empty Closets” chat forums for coming out. That’s right, there are posts from other real, live heteroromantic homosexuals! You’ll see that some eventually choose to identify with a label that’s a bit more simplified. Others found that their attraction developed into something more specific over time. Still more figured out that they were demisexual and could experience sexual attraction once they had an emotional bond with a specific person. This introduced (limited) sexual opportunities with people of genders they originally thought they only enjoyed romantically.

Speaking of asexuals, you might consider getting to know their community, perhaps by participating in the AVEN Italian discussion boards. As a heteroromantic homosexual woman, you could find a terrific romantic relationship with an asexual man who is not bothered if you occasionally have sex with women. (And aces are just cool people to know anyway.) But that’s just one of many choices you have in potential fulfilling relationships. Remember, just because your romantic and sexual orientations don’t match doesn’t mean you can’t find a match.

Tim Gunn, my favorite homoromantic asexual, assures us that the need for everything to match is totally passe.

Please be aware that when I tell you that you can play with a variety of matches, I mean in your relationships. Also, under no circumstances should Axe Body Spray play any role in attempting anything sexual or romantic.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a girl and I love my best friend…a lot. Guess what the problem is? She’s asexual and, therefore, has no interest in men or women. I’ve told her about my gigantic crush on her. She says she doesn’t mind, but I do.

I hate how much I love her (or at least think I do). What should I do?

-Alex

There’s hope yet, Alex. Have a look at this excellent website on asexuality called AVEN: Asexual Visibility & Education Network. It’s a terrific resource in a world where asexuals are extremely misunderstood and ignored. (Note to asexuals: as fellow minorities-within-the-sexual-minority, bisexuals totally feel your pain. Much love to you for sure.)

You’ll see on this site that asexuals do not experience sexual attraction but they can certainly be emotionally and otherwise attracted to people. From the site: “[Some] asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.” Furthermore: “Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.”

Do you know what this means? It means you still have a shot!

Okay, okay, okay, hang on. There are still a bunch of questions to answer. In order:
1.) Is she interested in having an emotional partnership with another person?
2.) Does she consider herself bisexual, lesbian, or straight? (Yes, Virginia, there are bisexual asexuals.)
3.) Are you interested in having a romantic relationship with someone who does not want to have sex? Remember, she might be open to discussing various relationship options, like polyamory.

And if the answers look good thus far, there’s only one more question:
4.) Does she like you that way?

Alex, I feel like you’re the protagonist in a video game who we’re all hoping will win. I’m sure you’d be up for battling villains and performing acrobatic feats but your mission can only be completed through communication, patience, honesty, and vulnerability. (Yeah, I know, you’d rather fight a dragon with fireballs. We’d all rather fight a dragon with fireballs.) Really listen to her describe her feelings and experience. I hope in the end, you two are a match made in the queerest of heavens.

P.S. Be sure to read the Huffington Post’s series on asexuality all this week.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 20, 2015

June 25, 2013