assumptions

On this fine two-fer Tuesday, Tiggy tips her fascinator to the wonderful gay men in our bi lives.

Dear Tiggy,

My queer friend keeps serving me up the “everyone’s a little bisexual” line. As a bisexual, this phrase annoys me both as a form of bi erasure (because if everyone’s bisexual, no one is) and also because I think it’s simply not true (i.e. I have met people who were Kinsey 0s or 6s).

But I have trouble just telling him to cut it out because I think he uses this as a discreet way to identify himself. Although he tells people he’s gay, he’s not a solid “Kinsey 6” and still has some attraction to women. This is his way of showing that part of himself, although he’s so predominantly attracted to men that the bisexual label doesn’t fit for him.

My question is, how can I tell my friend that I find this line problematic while giving him space to express his identity?

-Leanne

Hmm. Sounds like you might be a bisexual. Your friend, well…he’s another story.

There’s a maxim that was reputedly first made popular by legal philosopher Zechariah Chafee, Jr. in the late nineteenth century: “Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man’s nose begins.” In your friend’s case, he’s welcome to identify himself however he likes but he doesn’t have the right to speak for anyone else.

After all, how could he possibly know whether everyone is a little bisexual? And doesn’t each individual have as much right to identify zirself as he does, even if that identity is “not bisexual in the least”?

The next time it comes up, you might say to him privately, “Hey, just so you know, the bisexual community frowns on the whole ‘Everyone is bisexual’ theory because it actually erases bisexuality as a valid identity. I just wanted to give you a heads-up so you don’t say it in front of the wrong person.” The mention of the bisexual community is critical, as it might get him thinking about bis as a discrete cultural group unto ourselves.

You’re kind to let him flail about as he settles on his sexuality but you’ll be doing both him and yourself a favor in letting him know when he inadvertently whacks you in the schnoz.

Dear Tiggy,

My best friend is a gay guy. I’m a bi girl. When we’re together we talk about cute boys nonstop and queer things in general, but I get this weird complex: I don’t talk about my girl crushes very often because he’s not interested, or at least he can’t relate. I feel like he thinks of me as some kind of “fag hag” — the straight girl along for the queer fun ride.

How do I get my friend to recognize me as equally queer as him?

-Kara

Let’s start by giving him the benefit of the doubt. Did he indicate that he isn’t interested in hearing about your girl crushes or did you assume that’s the case? Sure, he can’t relate to liking girls romantically, but he can relate to love — and to you, his friend. Truly, most of us enjoy dating gossip from friends no matter what gender the crush in question is. We just want dirt.

It also might be that he senses a hesitation from you and doesn’t want to push you to talk about girls if that makes you uncomfortable. Sort of a self-perpetuating cycle, isn’t it? Welp, there’s only one Wild Deuce who can break it, and that’s you, Miss Kara. Make an effort to insert some girl-talk into your conversations with him and give him a chance to be receptive.

If you’re both relatively young, it might be hard for you to carve out a queer identity without constantly crashing into each other. He might think he has to fit a certain stereotype in which he plays mascot to a feminine hag; you could be stuck thinking that because you’re bi, you have to prove to everyone else that you’re worthy of the “queer” label. I think it would help both of you to find additional queer friends, even if they’re just online. Once you start to see all the different kinds of queer people who don’t necessarily fit a mold, and you realize that you don’t need each other to fulfill your every single queer need, you can relax a bit.

What is love? Between a gay guy and a bi gal, it’s THIS.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

Dear Tiggy,

What is your advice on strangers making assumptions about my orientation?

For example, I was eating dinner with a female friend (not date) one night. The next week I went into a coffee shop and saw two guys I was in a networking group with. One of the guys said, “Who was that cute girl you were with?” and other stuff implying that I was dating her. I was actually in a relationship with a man at the time but this guy didn’t know that. I felt it was really inappropriate for this guy to make an assumption about me, whether or not he was right. Plus, if he had been right, then he had basically outed me to a business colleague.

Secondly, I am friends with a straight couple who have hinted things about women. It kind of pisses me off because I have never mentioned to them any interest or history in dating women. It makes me uncomfortable. They tend to gossip, and if I trusted them I might have told them where I am on the sexual continuum. If I were to date a woman I would tell them, but I don’t like others pushing something I haven’t shared first. This hasn’t happened a lot but when it has, I feel it is intrusive.

Please note: I look very feminine, so it’s not as if I dress butch or have a buzz cut and then wonder why I’m getting comments. I’m not really into labels, I’m on a fluid continuum, but I just want to be the one to be in charge of what I share about myself. Any advice?

—Don’t Make Assumptions

Man, what is that urge to ask questions that are none of your business? I ask because I have it, too. My cousin got engaged to her long-time boyfriend recently and it’s all I can do not to say to her, “So, are you guys gonna have kids soon?” Now, logically, I know that that’s a classic jerkball question. It’s a prime example of everything you should not ask people for reasons too plentiful to list. And yet, I still had the urge. I daresay this is a mystery of human nature that we may never solve.

The bottom line is that just because you want to know personal information about someone else doesn’t mean you have a right to. I think in the age of TMZ, in which celebrities and even private citizens can nary blow their noses without it showing up on the six o’clock news, people have trouble understanding that basic fact. The examples you cite don’t seem to describe intentionally mean behavior; these people are simply not controlling their urges of curiosity. But you’re right: mean-spirited or not, it’s not OK for anyone to make assumptions about your orientation.

I think just a slight perspective change on your part might make you feel better about it. Again, you have every right to keep your private life private. But just for a moment, consider all of the women out there who have been in your position but their colleagues never question it. These women are all wondering, “Why didn’t they think I’m on a date with her? Are they that heterosexist? Maybe they just assume that I’m not queer because I look feminine. Or maybe they don’t think a cute girl like that would ever date me.” In a way, it’s a bit of a compliment that all of these people sense what a love magnet you are.

For people who you don’t know well, reply to their questions as simply as you can, in the same manner that your lawyer would counsel you to answer questions on the stand. “Who was that cute girl you were with?” “A friend from my book club.” Period. Change the subject to networking. If they continue to make comments, pointedly but politely don’t respond. This is best pulled off with a Mona Lisa smile. If that’s not your style, try a wide-eyed blank look and a quirk of the eyebrows. Whatever you do, do not explain yourself. Do not tell them you’re in a relationship with a man, do not tell them that you weren’t on a date, etc. It’s none of their business.

For people you know better, tell them that when you have something to share about your personal life, you’ll let them know in your own time. Also mention that you’re the kind of person who is more likely to open up if she’s not pushed. They’ll get the hint. This is how lots of my married friends are: they want all of the details of the wild, swingin’ single life they think I’m having – and the gorier the details, the better. You should probably throw them a bone at some point, just for charity’s sake.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 22, 2014

March 22, 2011