anxiety

Wild Deuces, March is Bisexual Health Awareness Month! The BRC is focusing on mental health so I hope this column helps to get bisexual brains churning about bisexual brains.

Please send your mental health questions to Tiggy at tiggyupland (at) gmail (dot) com or via Tiggy’s queer query portal so we can work through it together.

Dear Tiggy,

For the past two years, after 25 years of believing myself straight and having heterosexual relationships, I’ve been struggling with realizing, accepting, and living with my bisexuality. I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me insane. I find that no matter whom I talk to socially, I’m constantly worrying and assessing my feeling and intentions towards that person regardless of gender.

I’m not one to sleep around and I would like pursue a long term relationship with someone but I’m in constant fear that if I have a heterosexual relationship in the end I’ll find out I’m actually gay and in denial, and if I have a homosexual relationship I’ll find out I’m straight just with gay fantasies. I don’t want to break someone’s heart over not understanding my orientation or be constantly questioning if I’m with the right person due to their gender. These days, I don’t know what feelings or thoughts are genuine and I seem to be repeatedly anxious. The appeal of a gay or straight relationship alternates day by day, hour by hour.

Again, I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me mad. Do you have any advice?

-Kris

Kris, the beauty of bisexuality is that it gives you space. It provides all the room you need for your dynamic desires. You can like one gender significantly more than others, you can end up never having sex with people of one/most/any of the gender(s), you can have a bunch of relationships with folks of a certain gender and then change it up and have a bunch with peeps of another — doesn’t matter, the bisexual label still fits. It is the ultimate sexuality for anyone who expects the unexpected and doesn’t rule out change.

Ironically, it sounds like bisexuality is making you feel in limbo, which is generally known as an in-between no-man’s-land that prevents you from acting at all. Instead of giving you the freedom to be whatever you are, limbo is characterized by uncertainty and paralysis. It’s the Middle Ages’ definition of purgatory and often seen as a waiting station between your place of origin and your destination.

But bisexuality is a destination. In fact, it is a location where more people drop their suitcases and yell, “I’m home!” than homosexuality. We have a culture and a community all our own, ready to support you in your relationships and assure you that we feel the same way you do. I can tell you with certainty that the paralysis you feel — i.e. your reluctance to have relationships until your sexual identity is completely sorted out — is entirely of your own making. You have the power to embrace your bisexuality and sally forth with romantic and sexual engagements; often the best way out of indecisiveness is to simply commit to an option and advance.

And yet, it is known in psychology circles that being in long-term limbo often leads to anxiety and depression. In some ways, it’s considered as emotionally dangerous as hitting rock bottom. In addition to potentially resulting in anxiety, I believe your limbo might also be caused by anxiety. As much as I can determine from a letter, I don’t think you have Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder like some of the folks in this column do, but I suspect that you are experiencing anxiety in the form of perfectionism which is related to obsessive compulsive behaviors. (When you click on that link, be sure to read the comment from the bisexual who obsesses that they’re not bisexual. A kindred spirit!)

Your fear of hurting someone you’re dating due to being wrong about your sexuality indicates a high level of empathy and kindness, but it could also point to a desire for perfect conditions before proceeding. Sure, you might break some eggs in your relationship omelets, but we all assume that risk in love. I sense that your sexuality is simply a convenient hook for your anxiety to hang its hat on. After all, you can realize what you have is not what you want in any relationship.

I got that hat metaphor from Joseph J. Luciani’s book, Self Coaching. That and Feeling Good by David Burns are two fantastic reads on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that I highly recommend for you to address your anxiety and possible perfectionism. Even better than books is working with a therapist who practices CBT. The goal is to change your perspective on being in limbo because, really, it can be quite terrific.

In this moving blog post, Dr. Noelle Stern compares the in-between space of writer’s block to scientific chaos, as it appears to be wild disorder but in actuality is part of a grand plan that relies on that disorder to flourish into something incredible. Such phenomena can only happen in an open system which “maintain[s] a state of non-equilibrium, keeping the system off balance so that it can change and grow.” Kris, if you were to be open to the middle sexualities, well…just think of the possibilities!

Before I leave you, did you know that the limbo — meaning the dance under the stick — originated in Trinidad among African slaves? Supposedly, it represents life’s increasing challenges as the bar gets lower, and the human spirit triumphing over death as a dancer pulls his body beneath the stick. As ever, life goes on, even in limbo.

Developing a passion for the in-between…

How low can you go?

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 17-year-old boy from India and I believe I’m suffering from HOCD: homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder. It started when I began obsessing on a mildly sexual scene in a movie and it developed into a fear of being gay. During this phase, I lost my attraction to girls even though I was seriously into them until then. I constantly checked myself for signs of arousal while thinking about boys (which did not occur).

After a few months of this, I consulted a therapist via computer and began treating myself with cognitive behavioral therapy. Now I feel better but I do still get these thoughts sometimes. The therapist told me that I had to coexist with such thoughts and let them flow. At this point, my obsession has changed from being gay to being bisexual since my attraction to girls is back.

So, have I been bisexual this whole time and didn’t know it?

-King123

For a therapist that you randomly found online, you sure got a good one. They’re absolutely right: just let the thoughts happen. Trying to control them is what’s heightening your anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is exactly what you need to practice. As I suggested in a recent column, I hope you’ve picked up a copy of the essential CBT book, Feeling Good by David Burns. You might also try the easier-to-digest and equally helpful Self Coaching by Joseph J. Luciani.

It will be nearly impossible to sort out your sexuality without first addressing your anxiety issues. In addition to the CBT, please seriously consider talking to your doctor about medication that could effectively address what may be a biochemical cause of your OCD. Few clinical anxieties can withstand the one-two punch of CBT plus proper medication.

Dealing with these obsessions through compulsions — including and especially constant self-testing for arousal — might make you feel better for a second but no more. Some psychiatric professionals encourage people with OCD to undergo exposure therapy. When you consistently face what you fear and no harm results, your anxiety should be quelled. To employ this method, start viewing gay movies, literature, and so forth in increasing amounts. As your therapist counseled, don’t monitor yourself to see if you’re aroused, just accept any reactions you have. Your goal is not to eliminate obsessive thoughts but to tolerate them without discomfort.

“Bisexuality” is just a label, and many people feel that all sexuality is a dynamic entity with a lifelong arc. You may never be able to pinpoint your sexuality label; your best shot at sanity is just to accept that. Additionally, please recognize that while you can’t control your thoughts or feelings, you always have agency in how you react to them. Even if you have sexual thoughts about men every day for the rest of your life, nothing will force you to act upon them, tell anyone, or label yourself as bisexual if you don’t want to.

King123, the only person who can tell you how you identify sexually is yourself. However, I want you to know that if you are, it’s OK. It’s shameful that the Indian government reinstated the ban on gay sex last December but there’s still a thriving, happy bisexual community in your country and far beyond. Obsessions typically alight on a trait that you think would make you a bad or sad person. Therefore, if you don’t think bisexuality is a negative attribute, you’ll likely stop obsessing on it. And lucky for you — lucky for all of us — it isn’t!

I’ve saved the best for last: Jezebel.com posted this great article on HOCD in 2010 and, for the first time in internet history, the comments are the most supportive part. Uniformly insightful and perceptive, they come from people who have been affected by HOCD in some manner. I hope that reading about their experiences feels to you like a thousand dollars’ worth of therapy! Here are some highlights that speak astutely on this condition — and in many ways, on bisexuality as a larger concept.

“I think OCD really seeks out the very things that are impossible to prove absolutely, as well as the things that have the potential to change your entire view of yourself.”

“Almost all of my obsessions boil down to the one concern that I may not really know who I am or I may be living a lie.”

“The anxiety came mostly from just not knowing, being constantly uncertain, and spending hours trying to figure out something that, I now know, doesn’t have a black-or-white answer anyway.”

Here’s a comment from a bisexual who obsesses over thoughts that they’re not bisexual:
“I know instinctively that I am bisexual but anytime my brain perceives a challenge to that understanding, it kicks into overdrive and wants to prove it FOR SURE. Being bisexual, my brain is constantly being ‘challenged’ because any attraction to anyone, boy or girl, could mean that I might really be gay or really be straight. It can be never-ending and quite incapacitating mentally.”

“I think that no matter whom I’m in a relationship with, man or woman, my OCD brain would always question if I should be with the other… Would I be happier? Would it feel more ‘right’?”

“It is so incredibly hard to accept that it’s ok to not know because, oh my God, everyone else on the planet already knows, why don’t I?!” This commenter answers: “Actually, most people don’t really ‘know’ anything for certain. They just don’t spend endless hours trying to figure things out to scientific precision.”

This one is my favorite.
“My partner, who has severe OCD, struggled for most of his adolescence with the fear/obsession that he was transgender. I suspect it was the same idea. He got past it by reaching out to transgender persons and making friends, and learning that he would have support and friends even if he was transgender (even though he would likely lose others) and eventually realized he is not transgender. As a result, he has many wonderful friends he might not otherwise have met, and one of my bridesmaids will be a pre-operative MTF transsexual.”

Flashback to Fashion Television on VH1

You gotta roll with what life gives you, whatever it may be. Bisexual, not bisexual — it just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 3, 2015

March 18, 2014