April 15, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

It’s been over seven years since I came out to my mom the first time but I feel like I went through the stress of coming out for nothing.

Noticed I said that I came out “the first time”? We talked about it that day and briefly afterwards, but it’s now as though that conversation never happened. I feel as though I’m constantly coming out to her, or even that I’m still closeted. I understand that it can be hard to adjust to a child coming out, and it’s been easy to ignore because I’ve only had relationships with men since, but she rarely acknowledges that I ever said anything about liking women.

About two years after coming out, when I mentioned some sort of support meeting (it might have been PFLAG) her response was, “I thought we were done with this.” When finding my book of pin-up models, she asked why I had it. Seven years is a long time to keep fighting for recognition, never mind the times I don’t make a comment because I don’t feel like I’m “out enough” to say it.

Is there anything I can do so that I don’t have to keep coming out over and over again? I don’t want to have gone through all of that only to still feel closeted.

-Luna

You want your mom to accept you for what you are and not expect you to change at some point. In order to keep your sanity, you have to do that for her.

Accept that she can’t handle your bisexuality, doesn’t want to talk about it, and will go so far as to push you into engaging in her preferred reality for you. This is who she is now, maybe forever. I don’t know whether you ever had a relationship with her in which you could openly talk about who you’re dating, but you need to come to grips with the fact that you don’t now. In this way, you can protect yourself from the utter exhaustion of constant contention. (Meanwhile, be sure to join/build a community with bisexuals and allies with whom you can share your entire self.)

At the same time, answer her directly when she prods you. “Where are you volunteering on Sunday?” gets “A PFLAG meeting.” “Why is this pin-up book here?” gets “Why wouldn’t it be?” “I thought we were done with this” gets “I will never be ‘done’ with being bisexual.” You’ll feel better about yourself if you don’t actively enable her to “forget” that you’re bisexual. She’ll learn pretty quickly that if she goes digging for it, she’ll strike gold every time.

Likewise, if she notices that there’s some distance between you two and asks about it, tell her directly that she seems uncomfortable talking about your activities having to do with bisexuality (or sexual identity, or dating in general, etc. – wherever you choose to draw the line), so you don’t talk about them anymore. It should become clear to her that her attempts to police your sexuality only serve to limit your shared relationship.

It’s critical, though, that you don’t do any of this in the hopes of forcing her hand. Do not anticipate your mom giving you the relationship you want with her. If you don’t want her to prompt you to change, you owe her the same respect. The goal of setting these boundaries should be to keep your self-esteem intact as a bisexual person. I applaud your patience, Luna, and hope you know that the worldwide family of Wild Deuces will always recognize you as one of our pack.

In honor of the above-described Bisexual Groundhog Day Effect, I present to you “Round and Round.” (Yes, of course a bisexual advice column is featuring the video of the greatest hit from ’80s hair band, Ratt.) Please enjoy a cameo appearance by heterosexual drag queen, Milton Berle.

In other news, this Buzzfeed is the second best thing on the internet this month, the first being the weather reports.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 18, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 17-year-old boy from India and I believe I’m suffering from HOCD: homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder. It started when I began obsessing on a mildly sexual scene in a movie and it developed into a fear of being gay. During this phase, I lost my attraction to girls even though I was seriously into them until then. I constantly checked myself for signs of arousal while thinking about boys (which did not occur).

After a few months of this, I consulted a therapist via computer and began treating myself with cognitive behavioral therapy. Now I feel better but I do still get these thoughts sometimes. The therapist told me that I had to coexist with such thoughts and let them flow. At this point, my obsession has changed from being gay to being bisexual since my attraction to girls is back.

So, have I been bisexual this whole time and didn’t know it?

-King123

For a therapist that you randomly found online, you sure got a good one. They’re absolutely right: just let the thoughts happen. Trying to control them is what’s heightening your anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is exactly what you need to practice. As I suggested in a recent column, I hope you’ve picked up a copy of the essential CBT book, Feeling Good by David Burns. You might also try the easier-to-digest and equally helpful Self Coaching by Joseph J. Luciani.

It will be nearly impossible to sort out your sexuality without first addressing your anxiety issues. In addition to the CBT, please seriously consider talking to your doctor about medication that could effectively address what may be a biochemical cause of your OCD. Few clinical anxieties can withstand the one-two punch of CBT plus proper medication.

Dealing with these obsessions through compulsions — including and especially constant self-testing for arousal — might make you feel better for a second but no more. Some psychiatric professionals encourage people with OCD to undergo exposure therapy. When you consistently face what you fear and no harm results, your anxiety should be quelled. To employ this method, start viewing gay movies, literature, and so forth in increasing amounts. As your therapist counseled, don’t monitor yourself to see if you’re aroused, just accept any reactions you have. Your goal is not to eliminate obsessive thoughts but to tolerate them without discomfort.

“Bisexuality” is just a label, and many people feel that all sexuality is a dynamic entity with a lifelong arc. You may never be able to pinpoint your sexuality label; your best shot at sanity is just to accept that. Additionally, please recognize that while you can’t control your thoughts or feelings, you always have agency in how you react to them. Even if you have sexual thoughts about men every day for the rest of your life, nothing will force you to act upon them, tell anyone, or label yourself as bisexual if you don’t want to.

King123, the only person who can tell you how you identify sexually is yourself. However, I want you to know that if you are, it’s OK. It’s shameful that the Indian government reinstated the ban on gay sex last December but there’s still a thriving, happy bisexual community in your country and far beyond. Obsessions typically alight on a trait that you think would make you a bad or sad person. Therefore, if you don’t think bisexuality is a negative attribute, you’ll likely stop obsessing on it. And lucky for you — lucky for all of us — it isn’t!

I’ve saved the best for last: Jezebel.com posted this great article on HOCD in 2010 and, for the first time in internet history, the comments are the most supportive part. Uniformly insightful and perceptive, they come from people who have been affected by HOCD in some manner. I hope that reading about their experiences feels to you like a thousand dollars’ worth of therapy! Here are some highlights that speak astutely on this condition — and in many ways, on bisexuality as a larger concept.

“I think OCD really seeks out the very things that are impossible to prove absolutely, as well as the things that have the potential to change your entire view of yourself.”

“Almost all of my obsessions boil down to the one concern that I may not really know who I am or I may be living a lie.”

“The anxiety came mostly from just not knowing, being constantly uncertain, and spending hours trying to figure out something that, I now know, doesn’t have a black-or-white answer anyway.”

Here’s a comment from a bisexual who obsesses over thoughts that they’re not bisexual:
“I know instinctively that I am bisexual but anytime my brain perceives a challenge to that understanding, it kicks into overdrive and wants to prove it FOR SURE. Being bisexual, my brain is constantly being ‘challenged’ because any attraction to anyone, boy or girl, could mean that I might really be gay or really be straight. It can be never-ending and quite incapacitating mentally.”

“I think that no matter whom I’m in a relationship with, man or woman, my OCD brain would always question if I should be with the other… Would I be happier? Would it feel more ‘right’?”

“It is so incredibly hard to accept that it’s ok to not know because, oh my God, everyone else on the planet already knows, why don’t I?!” This commenter answers: “Actually, most people don’t really ‘know’ anything for certain. They just don’t spend endless hours trying to figure things out to scientific precision.”

This one is my favorite.
“My partner, who has severe OCD, struggled for most of his adolescence with the fear/obsession that he was transgender. I suspect it was the same idea. He got past it by reaching out to transgender persons and making friends, and learning that he would have support and friends even if he was transgender (even though he would likely lose others) and eventually realized he is not transgender. As a result, he has many wonderful friends he might not otherwise have met, and one of my bridesmaids will be a pre-operative MTF transsexual.”

Flashback to Fashion Television on VH1

You gotta roll with what life gives you, whatever it may be. Bisexual, not bisexual — it just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 20, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bisexual in a very feminine body. I have, for some time now, privately identified as “genderqueer” as I really do not feel like a woman, but I’m not really a guy either. I also identify as a top, not in terms of dominance but just in terms of being a giving partner vs. a receiving partner.

I have a broad range of attractions and of late, I have been seeing a lot of straight guys, which is partly a function of living in a small town. It is getting to the point with one where this issue should probably come up. My question for you is how I can best explain this subject without sending a straight guy running, or without causing him to fear that I may physically change genders at some point in the future? Are there good resources that address this issue?

-Tops Up

Sad fact: there are not many resources specific to genderqueers who are not transsexual. You might enjoy following Genderfork or get some info from Genderqueer Australia. There are also groups in larger cities, like Genderqueer Chicago, and a smattering of Meetups but overall, there remain precious few supplies of assistance for this vivid and varied crew. I pray that a slew of genderqueer angels will heed the desperate bleating for such resources and create a rush of websites, blogs, and articles for their people. Tops Up, you may be one of these heroes that your fellow genderqueers dream of. If you’re even slightly inclined, I command you to take to the keyboard post haste (makeshift mask and pillowcase cape optional)!

Until then, you have a question, and it’s one that so many share. Regardless of the failings of society at large for providing advice in this particular area, Tiggy can answer you. Of course she can answer you. Always bet on Upland.

I turned to my pal, J, a genderqueer genius, for their* experience with this exact dilemma. Most of it, says J, boils down to accepting yourself. No sexual partner, no matter how kind and open, will get you to be comfortable authentically expressing yourself until you accept that it’s OK to not choose a gender. You’re battling against every single thing thrown at you in life that says it’s not right to be neither male nor female, nor headed in the direction of either. But you’re not in this fight alone, not nearly. You can do this.

J concedes that even for people without a lick of shame surrounding their genderqueeritude, it can be exasperating to repeatedly slog through this dating scenario. In essence, J began to feel that having sex with straight guys felt probably like when a homosexual person who is not out to themselves has sex with someone of the opposite sex: the sex was perhaps exuberant but tender, their partner was both generous and considerate, good ol’ Tab A went into handy Slot B…but something was just off about the whole thing and they can’t quite put their finger on what.

J tells an anecdote about having a sexual experience with someone and suddenly realizing that this person saw J as a woman. J stepped back to wonder, “Is it OK that I need them to interact with me in the manner that I want, i.e. not acting toward me like, or even thinking that, I am a woman?” They ultimately decided that yes, it was. And it’s OK for you, too. It’s OK for you to need that and not accept less. J feels extremely distressed when regarded as a woman in bed; if you feel the same way, please know that your feelings are perfectly valid.

Although this might not be the answer for you, J solved their dilemma by not dating straight guys anymore. They did not want to restrict themselves to dating partners who restricted themselves to dating women. Whether you choose that route or not, both J and I want you to start telling your truth to the people in your life. We think you’ll be amazed at the results.

*J prefers the pronouns “they,” “their,” and “theirs.”

 
Actually, Black Sheep, you don’t have to get with this or that.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 16, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have almost always liked boys up until this point. I felt some interest in girls before, but I thought it was just curiosity, or just normal for any straight girl. But recently I have fallen — hard — for a girl I know.

 The hardest part about this is the fact that I and my family are (non-denominational) Christian. I still believe in God, but I don’t know how to reconcile my possible bisexuality and my faith.

-First Timer in NC

First Timer, I could tell you that the Bible is up to interpretation, and that the church leaders who interpret it are simple humans with their own agendas. I could argue that only Biblical scholars who read the book in its original language can even come close to understanding it. I could explain, as this book does, that queerness as we know it is a modern concept, which is why there is literally no mention of it in the Bible.

But I suspect that you’re not really afraid of going to hell. I think you’re afraid of your Christian family rejecting you.

If you want to prepare to dismantle your family’s arguments against bisexuality, you can read Hate Thy Neighbor by Linda J. Patterson. But be forewarned: perspectives not based in logic are typically not swayed by logic. The good news (well, besides the Good News — heh) is that beliefs borne of emotion are most vulnerable to change from emotion, including your family’s love for you. Only a month ago, Ohio Senator Rob Portman announced that he now supports equal marriage because he discovered that his son is gay. Perhaps your family will decide as he did: “Ultimately, it came down to the Bible’s overarching themes of love and compassion and my belief that we are all children of God.”

The president of Dignity, a Boston-based support group for LGBT Catholics, recommends The Good Book by Peter J. Gomes for reconciling Christian faith and being queer. He also suggests building a support network for yourself as you come to terms with your sexuality; Metropolitan Community Churches are a good place to start.

I sense that you’re young, perhaps beginning to learn that adults are just people, complete with flaws and irrationality. This realization can be disappointing but I hope it also motivates you to reach a greater level of self-conduct. It’s not as easy as growing up and not hating queer people (although that’s nice). A true departure from a fearful and ignorant mindset is becoming an intellectually curious adult, one who is not afraid to admit that she doesn’t know something, like what God feels about certain issues or what happens after we die. I hope you aspire to be someone who isn’t threatened by the idea that she might be wrong, and won’t feel like the bottom dropped out of her world if it turns out she is. It is, of course, entirely possible to achieve this while following Christianity, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 5, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, you won’t believe it: someone did my job for me this bi-week! Read on while I fix myself a shot of elixir and kick my Irregular Choices up onto the ottoman.

Dear Tiggy,

How can you really know that you’re bisexual? I’m 16 and female and, at the moment, I’m honestly confused as hell.

This happened really suddenly. In fact, last week I wasn’t even questioning my sexuality. I thought I was more or less straight. I had my doubts here and there but then, BAM, I suddenly felt sexually attracted to girls. It wasn’t a gradual attraction, it was as abrupt as they come. And when I say attraction, I mean already thinking about sex, dating, marriage, adoption, the whole shebang.

I’m not at all upset with what I’m feeling. I had an uncle who was gay and I’m extremely close to my godfather and his husband. It’s safe to say that I live in an incredibly supportive environment and acceptance on my mother’s part isn’t anything I’m worried about. I’m just incredibly confused as to what my feelings are telling me.

Am I straight and is my brain somehow “experimenting” with my sexuality or could I be, in fact, bisexual? At some point this week, I’d already suspected that I am bi but there’s always a nagging doubt in the back of my head.

-Cadmium

I set about with an answer, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but Cadmium’s answer from between her own ears…

Dear Tiggy,

Hi. Uh, this is awkward. I actually just wanted to tell you that I did realize that I am bisexual.

I was reading your previous replies to people’s questions, and one of your previous answers was right: no one else can tell me what orientation I am. I actually came out to my mother a couple of weeks ago, and what was surprising was that she already knew. Apparently trying to find the R-rated French films she hid last year had given it away. She was happy – actually, really happy – that I had summoned up the nerve to tell her.

I just wanted to say that you don’t need to answer the question I submitted a few weeks back. I’m recommending your column to a friend that needs it at the moment. Thanks, Tiggy!

-Cadmium

Splendid. What have we learned here?

1.) If I wait long enough, you’ll answer your own questions. Not only will this free up my schedule, but incidentally, I think I’ve stumbled upon the philosophy behind Comcast’s customer service.

This is a thrill. I feel like I’ve potty-trained you, Deuces.

2.) Peruse the old columns or do a search (in the search bar on the right. No, not there, under my face. Yes, that’s it) on your queer query to see if I’ve already answered it. Don’t make me repeat myself and more importantly, I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.

3.) Tell your friends to read up on Tiggy and the rest of the BRC site. How will they ever realize what infectious, good-sex-us, silver Lexus, git-outta-Texas bisexuals they are if you don’t point them in the right direction?

4.) If you want to stay in the closet, that’s fine, but then don’t run around asking where your pile of R-rated French flicks went. You might as well drape yourself in a pink, blue, and purple flag with a headshot of Robyn Ochs taped to your face.

“People? People, I have an announcement! I cannot seem to find my well-worn Amelie DVD. Does anyone know where it is?”

“Oh, real subtle, Howard. We get it, you’re bisexual, Jesus.”

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 12, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 15 years old and just started to fully accept that I’m bi within the past year. All of my friends know and pretty much the whole school knows, too. I have faced some bullying but was always able to brush it off, say something witty, make them look stupid, and leave them babbling as they ran away in defeat.

Right now, I have a girlfriend and even though it’s only been a month, I love her very much. For our one-month anniversary, I thought it would be a nice surprise if I told my mom about is. My mom had asked me once or twice if I was a lesbian but I never wanted to tell her anything for fear that she wouldn’t accept me.

Because I couldn’t talk to her face-to-face, I wrote her a long letter explaining everything. Even though she replied that it is OK if I’m not straight, she basically told me that she does not accept my lifestyle, that I have no clue what I’m even saying, and that I’m just setting myself up for bad things in the future. I told her that I know what I’m getting into but she just tells me over and over that I have no clue.

I feel like she hates me and I keep beating myself up over it because it was stupid of me to tell her anything. But what happened happened, and there is no going back. Now I’m trying to find things to help her understand who I am. Are there any websites or anything that you could please give me to make it easier to explain to her? I could use a lot of help right now.

-Kitty

I’m sorry that your coming out to your mom didn’t go so well. But I’m ordering you to stop beating yourself up and start patting yourself on the back. You totally came out! You’ve successfully deflected bullying! You have a girlfriend who you love! You’re doing great!

And while I don’t know you or your mom, please trust me on this because I’m 100% sure: your mom does not hate you. She’s worried about you and she wants to protect you. You’re smart to want to give her resources because it sounds like she’s not sure how to wrap her head around all this.

Ask her to read this letter. It’s from a father of five specifically to parents whose child has just come out as bi. There’s lots of good info in there. Suggest to her that she surf around the rest of the Bisexual Resource Center’s website, too, for more ideas and thoughts on bisexuality in general.

Then, show her the website for PFLAG –- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Don’t let the name throw you; this preeminent support organization for parents and friends of queer people is bi-friendly. Not only does PFLAG offer excellent information, but it also provides peer-led support groups all over the country. When she’s ready, help your mom find the local PFLAG chapter and encourage her to attend. She’ll meet other parents like her who have gone through a child coming out to them. They can relate to her and guide her through this process.

Keep your head up, Kitty. It was a sweet idea for an anniversary present, and maybe it didn’t go over like a tickertape parade but you’re on the right track. It’s clear that your mother loves you and wants the best for you. Give her some resources and a little time to adjust. I have a good feeling about this.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 20, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Before I married my wife, one of the reasons I felt connected to her was when I told her I may be bisexual, she said she was fine with it. Since then, she has said things over the years to imply that I might be “funny.” I am “funny” – that’s why I felt so good with her acceptance. Now I feel funny in a bad way.

Even if I am faithful and not having sex with men, I can’t win. How can I avoid feeling ashamed of myself or afraid to be who I am, and express myself to my wife?

—Headless Veggie

Ooh, Veggie, I’ll bet that hurt. I’m sorry – it sounds like you feel betrayed.

But here’s something I learned from an Interpersonal Communications seminar I once took: you need to verify what the person actually meant, especially if you care about them.

It’s human nature to assume you know what a loved one means when they’re speaking plain English, but you’d be surprised how often we misunderstand even those closest to us. You can wait until the next time she makes a “funny” comment and reply – calmly and curiously – “What do you mean by that?” Or, you could pick a quiet moment when you’re together and say, “Remember that time you said I was ‘funny’? What did you mean by that?”

Her comments might just be a ham-fisted way of trying to open up a dialogue on what bisexuality means to you. If you two haven’t talked candidly about that, she might be worried that you think it’s OK to be non-monogamous. Now, you know that non-monogamy and bisexuality are two totally different things, and Tiggy knows it, but it’s possible that your wife doesn’t know much of anything about bisexuality. Did you talk about it beyond telling her years ago that you might be bi? Tiggy suspects not.

Now is the time for a deep discussion about your sexuality, as well as your feelings around her support for your true self. I think she wants this, and it can only be good for you in the long run. Go for it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 26, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m glad I found the site and your advice column. I am pretty surprised to find that I’ve made it to 42 and am still closeted about my bisexuality, especially considering how many awesome queer friends I have now and over the years. I’ve reached a really conflicted point in my life, though, and something has to change.

I believe one of the issues that has held me back from being open or pursuing any relationships with women (other than some wonderful sexual experiences in college) is that a platonic lesbian friend once really shut me down when I expressed interest in women. We had gone out to a lesbian club and I commented to her that there was a wide, empty circle around me on the dance floor. She said, “Yeah, they can smell the straight on you.” I was crushed started to feel hopeless about any same-sex potential. I am femme, completely, but that would undoubtedly be pleasing to many. I put my head down and only dated men since then, but lately her comment has haunted me. She and others have also said things to me like, “Oh, you like dick too much.”

The other issue is that, during times of potential intimacy with the man I have dated most recently, I felt really tense and broke down in tears. I chalked it up to simply not being over a past relationship; it’s partly true but I just don’t think that’s the whole story. As someone else wrote to you, when I masturbate it is exclusively to female images and women’s porn. I am becoming aware that I might like to have the chance to date another woman, but fear that I won’t be accepted by other bi women or lesbians.

I would love to hear any thoughts you might have on my history. Thank you for listening.

—Mid-Life Bi

You never dated women because someone made a rude “joke” to you, once, years ago?

I don’t think one unkind comment has the power to scare you off loving ladies forever. It’s more likely that you’re hanging on to that as an excuse not to date. But what are you so afraid of? Of course some queer women are going to like you! There’s not only a huge community of bisexuals out there, but there’s also a powerful movement of Femme Pride.

You know what I’d be afraid of if I were you? Living the rest of my life without ever discovering this fun, fascinating part of myself.

It’s pretty generous for you to describe your LBT friends as “awesome” when it seems that they’ve given you little support for your sexual awakening. The good news is that you don’t need the approval of every – or any – queer woman on this issue. They’re not gatekeepers to the Kingdom of Lady Love; only you hold the key.

There’s nothing stopping you from dating women except yourself. You can dig deep and discover your arcane reasons for doing that, but I have an even better idea: skip the self-therapy and just start dating women. Online dating was made for your situation. Bite the bullet, post a profile, and start making dates.

You don’t have to have everything all figured out; just go on some fun dates with interesting women and see if you click with any of them. It’s as easy as that. Don’t spend one more minute of your life wishing you had.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.