Dear Tiggy,
I am engaged to the man of my dreams and I’m really happy with my relationship as a whole. However, I have a problem: my best girl friend is always trying to get me to make a move on her. She is straight and in a relationship with my best guy friend. I really like her and have been attracted to her for a while, but I feel used. You see, I feel like she’s playing my affections against her boyfriend so that he gets jealous.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose friends but I also don’t want to feel manipulated. Help!
-Korinne
Bad news: your friend is acting like a selfish asshat.
Good news: she might not actually be a selfish asshat, just clueless, and that’s curable.
You didn’t say whether the two relationships in question are monogamous, polyamorous, or one of each, but I figure that if everyone involved is poly, you’d have gone for the hook-up by now. Therefore, I’m going to answer this assuming that both relationships are monogamous, but please write back to me if they’re not.
Your best friend is so desperate for her boyfriend’s attention that she’s willing to hurt your feelings, put you in a position that might blow up your impending marriage, and make her boyfriend anxious. You might wonder how someone could be so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t recognize their own uber-obnoxious behavior, but it happens, and not infrequently. If you give her the benefit of the doubt, I think you’ll likely snap her out of this just by bringing it to her attention.
The next time she flirts with you, respond flatly with: “What are you doing?” and perhaps follow up with, “It seems like you’re flirting with me, and I don’t know why you’d do that since neither of us is single.” Don’t soften it by laughing it off. I hear that you don’t want to cause drama but she’s been pretty up front with the fact that she’s perfectly fine with causing drama. The weight of your group dynamics should not and does not rest entirely on your shoulders. Calling out her behavior is the only way to stop it.
And don’t fall for the ol’ “I was just kidding” gambit, either. If that comes into play, immediately respond, “No, you weren’t. You’re messing with my head, and your boyfriend’s, and you’re disrespecting our relationships. Knock it off.”
You know, though…I’m not fully confident that you’re going to confront her. I know that you don’t want to lose friends, but maybe you also don’t want her to stop flirting with you? In fact, maybe if she was going to actually hook up with you instead of tease you, you wouldn’t mind so much? These are just vibes I’m getting from your letter, and I’ll admit that sometimes vibes get damaged in the mail. But if that is how you feel, just know that there’s no shame in putting off the wedding date until you’re sure that you’re ready for a lifetime commitment to a monogamous partner.
Plenty of shame in cheating, though. In case you were wondering.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.