Dear Tiggy,
I just recently came to terms with knowing that I am bisexual. I tend to be more attracted to women but I’m still attracted to men. I just got a divorce from my wife who treated me like I wasn’t a man because I’m bi and made me feel ashamed. I’m HIV positive, almost homeless, about to drop out of school, and a veteran of eight years. I have no friends or family up here in upstate New York and I’m at my wits’ end. I don’t know how much more I can take between my ex-wife making false police reports on me, having no food to eat, and being alone. I just don’t know what to do and when I stumbled on your site, I figured I’d give it one last try. I don’t know how much longer I can last like this; I’m not as strong as I used to be. Thanks for listening.
—John from Poughkeepsie
I’m so glad you reached out to me, John. This is a terrible time for you right now but you’re going to get through this. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will weather this difficult storm and come out stronger on the other side because you’ll know that if you got through that, you can get through anything.
You need support, and badly. You’re vulnerable on just about every possible front. If you can move to where friends or family are, do so, and as soon as possible. Move in with them temporarily so you can have a home, food, and contact with people who love you. I suspect that you don’t want to be a burden on anyone but in dire straits — and, John, they don’t get more dire than you’ve described — you have to swallow your pride and ask for help. It’s a necessary stepping stone to getting back on your feet. Keep in mind that until you have at least a temporary home and you know where your next meal is coming from, you won’t be able to fully help yourself. Because you’re moving, you’ll need to drop out of school for now but credits do transfer. It doesn’t mean you’ll never go back. However, getting hundreds of miles away does mean that your ex-wife will probably stop calling the cops on you.
When you get settled with people who love you, your plan of action should be to get into the social service system. Leave no stone unturned: find the nearest support center for HIV-positive people, for veterans, for the homeless, and for elders if you’re 50 years old or older. Ask each of them to assign you a social worker; they can provide and suggest resources like food, housing opportunities, legal assistance, debt relief, and employment. There IS help out there for you, especially since you fall into certain categories of vulnerable people.
John, summon your energy and call a friend or family member today to see if they’ll put you up for a while. If the first person you call can’t help, keep calling friends until someone can. Then throw whatever you own into your car and go to them. Please let people help you. And check back in with me so I know that you’re doing better. The bi community is pulling for you.
UPDATE for “Looking to Provide Support”: There’s a new Facebook group called “Bi Standers” for mates, partners, husbands, and wives of mixed-orientation marriages, state-recognized or otherwise. It’s a cyberspace for all members of these long-term relationships who want support or to be supportive to others.
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.