Dear Tiggy,
I am pansexual and possibly polyamorous. My girlfriend of three years, a devout monogamist, wants me to be able to express myself in whatever way I feel necessary.
Despite her total support, I am sexually unhappy in our relationship. She is unable to consider an open relationship and since I haven’t ever really been comfortable with my own sexuality, I haven’t had a chance to let myself experiment with other types of sex. This leads me to a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to provide her with the devotion and monogamy she deserves. I see no solution.
She says that if I truly wish to choose to be intimate with others, she cannot be with me. Throwing away our relationship for sex with strangers feels like the worst betrayal. I have been given an ultimatum to alone decide our future in the next day or two as she can’t wait for me to promise myself to her any longer. We aren’t happy now and aren’t sleeping in the same bed together after living and sleeping together for three years.
It is too painful for me to choose sexual freedom over love and emotional support but my feeling sexually repressed — be it a result of my own insecurities or her unwillingness to let me see other people in a sexual way — has led me to a collapse of libido and emotional stability. How can I choose when I’m so scared and alone?
-Max
The language you’re using to describe this tough situation paints you as the villain when you’re not. In order to get through this dilemma with the least amount of emotional damage to all parties, you need to reframe this story.
Devotion and monogamy are not the same thing. Even after reading your short letter, I have little doubt that you can and do offer devotion to this woman you clearly love. Does she “deserve” monogamy? Well, if so — in that she is a good person and “deserves” to have her desires met — then don’t you deserve polyamory?
When you honestly communicate to your partner a wish to express your sexuality and bravely come to terms with the consequent incompatibility of your relationship, you’re betraying yourself by couching that as “throwing away [your] relationship for sex with strangers.” The reality is that you two are fundamentally unsuited to each other and it’s no one’s fault. Cheating would have been the coward’s way out; you have eschewed that for the high road, so I cannot allow you to self-flagellate. There is nothing bad about wanting to explore your sexuality.
Please put this relationship out of its misery (your misery, her misery) – you both know it’s not working. It’s just not right to use this woman you love as a security blanket while you hold your breath and cross your legs for as long as you can stand it. I am sorry that being without a partner terrifies you but this, too, could use a reframing. You could view singledom as an opportunity to connect with new people and an adventure of self-discovery. Meanwhile, it sounds like you and she have a real mutual affection…is there a chance that you two can go on being friends?
Find a bisexual and/or poly support group in your area so you can feel supported enough to make the leap into being single. Max, don’t let fear and guilt dictate your not-at-all-selfish choices here.
Being poly is tremendous! No shame in being a bird who can’t help but fly. (Check the lyrics for an education…)
And Max, just because you’ll be single doesn’t mean you’ll be all alone.
© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.