Dear Tiggy,
I’m glad you started writing an advice column because I’ve got a question that I think you are uniquely placed to answer. It goes like this: I’m dating pretty much the coolest woman ever. She’s bi, and I’m a garden-variety straight guy. I’m not a super-newbie to the world of LGBT activism and of supporting my friends in the community, but the more time I spend with her, the more I realize that I don’t really have a great idea of what it means to be a bi ally or supporter. So much of the LGBT work I’ve done has focused on the L, G, or T. I kind of don’t know how to do the bi ally thing, at least not in any specificity or detail.
So here’s my question for you: aside from just generally being a decent boyfriend, what specific things can I do to make sure that I’m being a good bi ally both to her, and for her community? What sorts of actions can I take? Are there any resources out there for straight folks who want to be good allies to the bi-community, or a bi romantic partner in particular? Books, blogs, etc? I want to make sure I’m respecting the whole of my girlfriend’s personality and life experiences, and I won’t be able to do that right if I’m not being a good bi ally. Any recommendations?
—Looking to provide support
You know what’s great? That someone would even ask this question.
You know what stinks? That I can’t answer it.
I looked around for a website, book, essay, anything to drop some knowledge on non-bi partners of bi folks. As near as I can tell, it doesn’t exist. I then tried to find some information on how white people can support their non-white romantic partners, thinking that some of those tips might be transferrable. Believe it or not, even that doesn’t seem to be out there. Oy.
So I guess I’ll have to wing it. Here’s the key: since bisexuality means something different to all of us, start by asking her what it means to her. Come from a place of humility. Really listen. Don’t judge. Believe her.
I also think you’d do well to focus on #3 and #8 on the BRC’s “How to be an Ally to a Bisexual Person” brochure: celebrate bi culture with your partner in whatever way she prefers and stick up for bis when an opportunity arises. The bittersweet reality is that since bis so rarely get support, a little goes a long way.
If I may say so, your lady sure is lucky to have a partner who’s so eager to support her.
Readers, let me know how you think non-bi partners can be good allies and I’ll include your suggestions in a future column.
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.