Dear Tiggy,
I don’t fancy any men, but I admit to, on the odd times, going to gay bars when traveling. I also, once in a while, go to gay/bisexual saunas where I give some men hand jobs. I just like both the look and feel of a man’s private parts. I know I fancy the females…am I bi or what?
-U.K. Stevie
Dear Tiggy,
I’m a 33-year-old male and I have been married to my wife for about seven years. Unfortunately, I haven’t been faithful throughout the course of our marriage. Perhaps the lack of fidelity is my only real issue and everything else is just moot.
I am extremely attracted to and aroused by my wife, and yet I still have urges to be with men. My wife knows that I had a short sexual relationship with a man before we got married, but I’ve always told her that I was just lonely and being sexually adventurous at the time.
Although I find myself aroused by the male body and genitals, I’m still not sure that I’m really bisexual. I have issues with kissing men, for instance. I’m just not interested in that kind of intimacy with another guy.
I would never leave my wife, but I don’t think I would ever be interested in or capable of a loving relationship with another male. I don’t want to snuggle with another guy or show any signs of affection. I want to have more sex with my wife, and I usually start having desires for men when I haven’t had sex with her in a long time (i.e. a week or so). Am I bisexual or just overly sexual?
-FunTonight69@…
Dear Tiggy,
At school recently, I’ve had a crush on this girl (I’m a guy). With girls, I think about relationships. There is also this guy at school who I think is hotter than everyone, but with him I just want to get on to the you-know-what part instead of the relationship part. The weird thing is, I think the guy is way hotter and sexier than the girl. Am I gay, straight, bi, or just bi-curious?
-Frustrated
Folks, for once and for all: I cannot tell you what your sexuality label is. I’m sure it would be a lot easier for some of you if Tiggy were some sort of sexuality slot machine but she isn’t. The only person who can identify your sexuality is you.
Your sexuality label is a socially-constructed concept, not unlike race. (Repeat: your sexuality label, not your sexuality.) For a better understanding of the implications of this, please read this terrific article from the Fall 2011 issue of Good Magazine. In it, the author describes what race — or “ethnic background label,” if you will — he would be in different places and times. It’s funny to think that you’d be considered a different race depending on where and when you existed, but it’s true. Sexuality labels work similarly; perhaps you’ve even heard someone say, “If I were younger, I think I would identify as bisexual.” Figuring out which label works for you can be particularly complicated for those of us who are “mixed.”
Check out this advice that I gave to someone trying to find her own label. For you three in particular, you might consider identifying as “heteroromantic bisexuals.” That means that you’re interested in romantic relationships with the opposite sex but are open to sexual relationships with all sexes.
P.S. FunTonight69@…, your third sentence? Probably. And a first step in turning over a new leaf might be to stop using FunTonight69 as your handle.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.