Dear Tiggy,
I am 20 years old and semi-closeted. I say “semi” because while there are a handful of people who know I am bi, there are also a handful of people who seem to suspect that I am a lesbian, and a few large handfuls of people who assume that I am straight and “just quirky about Charlize Theron, among other things.” I mean if they ever bothered to ask, I’d tell them, but these things don’t just come up in conversation on an everyday basis, ya know?
O.K., O.K., a lot of this is on me. I’m awkward about the labels. I wish this could be done telepathically. Anyway, I am not in school, have limited transportation options, and live in a smallish town although I am sort of close to DC –- just not close enough. There is no LGBT group in my area and I’m beginning to feel like I’m the only queer girl in my entire town. Any advice for getting out and socializing? I feel like I need a bisexual bat signal.
-Mary
Before we begin, I’d like to announce that I am forming a garage punk band called Bisexual Bat Signal. I will be the drummer. Obviously.
All right, back to you. I hate to agree, but a decent chunk of this is on you. Ask yourself: Why don’t I want people to know that I’m bi? Giving that a good think will open your eyes to why you might be sabotaging yourself.
Then, ask yourself: Why do I want people to know that I’m bi? Let your answers motivate you. Once you commit to wanting folks to know, you need to get a few of those bi buttons that only queer people understand. These include, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I took both,” “It’s the chemistry, not the plumbing,” and, of course, “It’s not a phase, it’s my life.” There’s your bat signal. Please be prepared, though, for straight friends to ask about them, too.
You say there are no LGBT groups anywhere near you…yeah, I’m not convinced. A quick Google search turns up many queer community groups in Virginia and Maryland. (As always, check BiNet’s map first for bi groups across the country.) Beyond that, you can find local LGBT groups in Unitarian Universalist churches, on MeetUp.com, through volunteer opportunities –- the list goes on. Look harder.
As for dating, the absolute best thing you can do is optimize your transportation situation. When you don’t live in a city but you want to socialize with other queers, you need a car. If you can’t afford one, cut off your cable TV or take an additional part-time job. I’m serious –- this is social life or death. Remember that most of the people you’ll meet through online dating will live in DC and just about all of them will expect you to meet them in the city.
The bottom line is that you’re going to have to put the effort into finding queer community. It’s out there but it’s not going to fall into your lap. In the immortal words of the great RuPaul, you betta WORK.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.