May 12, 2015
Dear Tiggy,
I went to an awesome liberal arts college with a great LGBTQIA community, but I never actually got involved. I have social anxiety – an unfortunate amount of time was spent being terrified of everybody – and I didn’t actually come out until the end of my senior year.
I feel like I missed my opportunity to get involved in the community in general, because now that I’m out of school it’s a lot harder to meet people and integrate into groups of friends. Any advice on how a twenty-something could get started on cultivating this area of life?
-M-Dizzle
Dear Tiggy,
I’m a woman in her mid-twenties who feels stuck figuring out whether I like guys or girls, or both. I feel like I’m getting too old to try to understand my feelings. It seems most people figure this out in their teens or early twenties. Heck, some people are married before they reach my age. I wonder if you can help me to not feel so worried and anxious about this. Thanks for your help, Tiggy.
-Andi
Ellen Albertini Dow, best known as the old lady from The Wedding Singer, died last week at age 101. She was a recognized, working actor — no easy feat. Did you know that Dow began acting at age 72? Do you know how many successful people were late bloomers?
You two see where I’m headed with this? That’s right: you can be successful bisexuals even though you didn’t come out of the closet when you came out of the womb.
There are so many people the same age as you, so many, who are still figuring it all out. In fact, I guarantee that the majority of people are still untangling and discovering their identity and sexuality in one form or another in their 20s. And 30s. And 80s — no lie, life throws you curveballs right up until the end. For cryin’ old loud, Bruce Jenner just came out as trans and he’s* a senior citizen.
In fact, yeah, let’s talk about Bruce. When he was an American athletic hero, when he was eating his Wheaties and guest starring on Silver Spoons, when he was marrying three times and fathering six kids and four stepkids, when he was Keeping Up With the Kardashians — during all that, do you think anyone looking at his life from the outside in had even an inkling that he was trans? No, ma’am. So why do you think you know what “most people” have sorted by your age? Don’t you think they’re looking at you and thinking the same thing? (Oh, and for the record, just because someone is married does not mean they’ve straightened out every last thread on the fringe of their sexual being. Just ask ‘em.)
I suppose you both missed certain opportunities in coming out after your teens. Everything we do has what economists call “opportunity costs,” i.e. choosing one path means not choosing another. I just hope you don’t find yourself stuck on the dock gazing wistfully at the wake of your (imagined?) missed boat. It’s sad to be the person who harps on a past age when they think everything would have been perfect if they were somehow different then. You’ve seen the cliché hetero man in a midlife crisis with the fancy car and the younger girlfriend? Ugh, don’t be that guy. You might feel like if you had come to your sexual identity sooner, life would have been an unceasing party of queer popularity. But you don’t know that. Your experience at that time of your life was the queer experience, just not the one you’ve been sold by TV and movies.
Instead of ruminating on some fantasy era, go after what you actually want. If it’s a relationship with someone of the same gender, then aim for that. Find practical advice on exactly what steps to take here, here, and even here despite the fact that neither of you are “older” by any definition. And if your worry is that all of your peers are paired off and no one is left for you, then breathe easy because this is utterly preposterous. (Actually, there are plenty of people your age who will be in the closet long after you’ve emerged.) I’m sure that once you begin to gather queer acquaintances, friends, and lovers, you won’t care a bit about what might have been.
You haven’t missed the boat. You are the boat. When is it too late to live your life authentically with likeminded friends? When you’re dead, and not one second before.
*Bruce uses the pronouns “he,” “him,” and “his” until he unveils Her.
Oh, Uncle Rico. It will never be 1982 again.
And, thank your lucky stars, it will never be 1988 again either.
Repeat after me: I am the boat.
© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.
April 14, 2015
Dear Tiggy,
I’m a 17 year old male and I consider myself a biromantic homoflexible person. I have been biromantic most my life, having had romantic crushes on both males and females. But sexually, I was mainly homosexual until over a year and a half ago. In the past year or so, I have learnt that I am homoflexible: occasionally sexually attracted to the opposite gender, and predominantly sexually attracted to the same gender. I like to identify as queer as well.
I came out as bi to some friends to keep it simple, but am willing to elaborate if needed. I am wondering if you would consider “bi” to be an appropriate term. If a person is a biromantic heterosexual or homosexual, for instance, would it be practical for them to consider themselves straight/gay or bisexual? I know it would be up to the individual, but I was wondering if you have a stance on this as a bisexual.
-J
The only stance I have on this is how cool it is that you know yourself so well.
Labels of any kind can only be applied by the one wearing them. That said, a sexuality label not only helps you understand yourself better, it also helps others understand what you’re about and points you toward a community. The tricky thing, as you’ve discovered, is that your label for yourself isn’t necessarily one that most others can comprehend, nor is it always attached to an organized community.
Labels can sum up a part of you in a succinct word or two but when you end up having to deliver a lengthy explanation on it anyway, you begin to wonder why you even bothered with it.
So some queer folks pick the closest recognizable label and go with that for public purposes. Hey, that’s terrific! I like that you’re “willing to elaborate as needed” because it demonstrates that you’re not hiding anything, you’re just trying to make your life slightly less difficult. Thumbs up, Captain.
I humbly submit that the especially neat-o aspect of identifying as bi is that it’s all but assumed that you have another moniker tailored to your more specific sexual identity. Lots of us use the word “bi” as an acronym (B.I.) that stands for “Bi Inclusive” — that is, an umbrella term inclusive of all of the middle sexualities. As such, the bi community fully expects that you have a precise term for the kind of person you’re attracted to…and we each already have six or seven biromantic homoflexible friends!
I believe that most biromantic hetero/homosexuals identify as straight/gay out of practicality, but also because being bisexual still carries a stigma. Thus, it is evermore spectacular that you choose to identify as bi, thereby throwing a metaphorical wrench into the perpetual stigma machine (also metaphorical). But that’s just one Wild Deuce’s opinion. At the end of the day, your personal label is about what you’re most comfortable with, and everything else is just gravy.
Make YOUR own label!
© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.
March 31, 2015
On this last day of Bi Health Awareness Month, please take one last look at the information provided by the Bisexual Resource Center on mental health for bis. Learn how we’re vulnerable and what we can do to help ourselves. Our health matters, too! Here’s a letter to Tiggy on the topic…
Dear Tiggy,
I was sexually/physically/verbally abused as a kid. As I got older, I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual. However, my therapist and others have all told me that my bisexuality was a result of trauma and that I’m not actually bisexual.
I had a really hard time coming to terms with my sexuality, but when I’m in an accepting environment, I’m okay with it. Has anyone else been told this too? Most people will not even talk to me about this. I just wanted to know whether there are others like me at all.
-Maggie
Other queer people who have experienced abuse have been subject to inaccurate and ignorant theories connecting the two attributes. You are not alone, and I’m sorry that you have to put up with that treatment.
“Good for her for knowing who she is! Rock on!” That’s Peter Ruggiero’s reaction to the tenor of your letter. Peter serves/d on the board of the Bisexual Resource Center and BiNet, the two largest bi organizations in the States. He also works on behalf of male sexual assault survivors, and is a survivor himself. Although your signature indicates that you are female, much of Peter’s knowledge of the psychology and sociology surrounding sexual abuse is relevant to survivors of any gender.
This is his take on why people are reacting to your sexual identity as they have: “When a survivor comes out with confidence, it knocks people off their pins. In this case, it’s the biphobia combined with people who are not sure of their own sexuality and related issues. Trauma plus religion can sometimes prompt this reaction as well. Maggie is coming at this with so much confidence that it’s jarring the people she’s talking to.”
I can only think of two reasons for why some people believe that your bisexuality is prompted by the abuse you faced…
HYPOTHESIS #1: Sexual trauma can shift someone’s sexual orientation.
This is such utter nonsense that I cannot take it seriously as a legitimate proposal. Pandora’s Project, a website for sexual assault and abuse survivors, addresses the matter aptly here.
It’s virtually impossible to prove a negative — i.e. “No environmental stimuli can shift your sexual orientation” — but there has been absolutely no indication, much less evidence, that it is possible or has ever happened. In my opinion, any counselor who actually believes this hypothesis should be barred from conducting a therapeutic practice.
Peter concurs: “There are old wives’ (and husbands’? Spouses’?) tales that abuse will make you this or that. There’s not a lot of precision to these accusations. I assure you, there is nothing scientific on which to base any presumption that sexual trauma will make you straight, gay, bi, or anything else.”
HYPOTHESIS #2: Having sex with people of different genders may be part of “acting out” subsequent to experiencing sexual trauma.
This could be what your therapist is claiming. Let’s take a look at common reasons behind post-trauma sexual acting out:
- You assert your sexual behavior in a manner that allows you to be in control, counteracting the feeling of helplessness from your trauma. Sexual orientation has no bearing on this.
- You’re a straight male who was sexually abused by a male and you’re afraid that it means you’re gay. You have sex with women to prove to yourself that you are straight. This does not translate to other genders or sexualities because our society only values hetero masculinity. In other words, you have no reason to want to prove that you are bisexual.
- You search for a high to distract from the pain caused by trauma. The dopamine hit or distraction you might gain from sex is irrespective of the gender of your partner.
- You engage in reckless sex because the trauma has made you feel worthless. You can have risky or safe sex with any gender.
- You don’t understand that the abuse you suffered is not normal or healthy. Clearly, this is not your problem but even if it were, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
- You’re trying to recreate what happened on some level but “correct” the ending. The idea that this would prompt bisexuality for you presupposes that your abuser was female. (So if he wasn’t, this is moot.)
-
That last possibility was the only one whose invalidity I wasn’t 100% sure about. Luckily, Peter set me straight. “If you’re acting out, you’re acting out, period,” he says. “The gender of the person with whom you’re acting is not particularly germane; it’s the act of acting out.”
Notice, too, that these theories only operate off of sexual abuse (not otherwise physical or verbal) and assume active sexual behavior (when perhaps you haven’t done that yet). The logic behind the suppositions others are making on your sexuality just doesn’t check out.
Peter says, “There’s a lot of fear out there, and it combines with bi/homophobia in our culture. If your therapist is trying to convince you of your sexuality and you know she’s wrong, then her qualifications come into question. This therapist is not treating bisexuality as a legitimate sexuality; she is treating it as a way to be extra slutty. It’s just some old-fashioned biphobia.”
Agreed, bi brother. From where I stand, Maggie, the most important factor in all this is that you seem perfectly comfortable with your sexuality. Ergo, I can’t see that anyone has the right or reason to pathologize it.
Being bi is not a mental health problem.
© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.
March 24, 2015
Deuces, I thought you would like to see this update on a letter about dating from a genderqueer perspective. But it’s not from the letter writer; it’s from their boyfriend. Zounds! Read on!
I do not have a question (yet?) but wanted to write as a follow up to the message “Tops Up” wrote to you in August 2013.
We have been together now for well over a year. Neither of us foresaw the other as being the partner we would end up with — for me because of my past experience with those who identified as bisexual (Tops Up’s identification when we met), and for Tops Up because of her reluctance to be with someone straight.
In interest of fairness to me, Tops Up did tell me their identity a few weeks after writing you. They weren’t completely surprised by my reaction, but were reassured that they made the right choice in telling me. While there were still some questions I had about what it meant, as well as what it meant for us as a couple, since then we have been more easily able to discuss these issues. One aspect I find fun is that we have the same taste in women. Aspects that have made it easier — and I was reassured by your response to Kris (March 3, 2015) — is that the sexual aspect has not been a part of our relationship. Tops Up and I both have our reasons for this.
After some time of dating Tops Up, I realized why it was easy for me to handle how they identify: I came to realize I am nearly completely gender blind. Its hard to describe but when I realized this and told them, it was almost an “a-ha moment,” at least for me.
I thought you would appreciate a follow up to one of the questions sent to you, especially since it has a happy ending so far. There are straight people who are comfortable being in a long term relationship with those who aren’t — and as Tops Up says to me regularly, I am not the typical straight male.
-M
Not typical but truly terrific. Thank you for sharing this update, M. A happy ending is just what we need as spring bursts forth! Deuces, we’re back on schedule next week with an all-new question on bisexual mental health.
© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.