March 20, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Before I married my wife, one of the reasons I felt connected to her was when I told her I may be bisexual, she said she was fine with it. Since then, she has said things over the years to imply that I might be “funny.” I am “funny” – that’s why I felt so good with her acceptance. Now I feel funny in a bad way.

Even if I am faithful and not having sex with men, I can’t win. How can I avoid feeling ashamed of myself or afraid to be who I am, and express myself to my wife?

—Headless Veggie

Ooh, Veggie, I’ll bet that hurt. I’m sorry – it sounds like you feel betrayed.

But here’s something I learned from an Interpersonal Communications seminar I once took: you need to verify what the person actually meant, especially if you care about them.

It’s human nature to assume you know what a loved one means when they’re speaking plain English, but you’d be surprised how often we misunderstand even those closest to us. You can wait until the next time she makes a “funny” comment and reply – calmly and curiously – “What do you mean by that?” Or, you could pick a quiet moment when you’re together and say, “Remember that time you said I was ‘funny’? What did you mean by that?”

Her comments might just be a ham-fisted way of trying to open up a dialogue on what bisexuality means to you. If you two haven’t talked candidly about that, she might be worried that you think it’s OK to be non-monogamous. Now, you know that non-monogamy and bisexuality are two totally different things, and Tiggy knows it, but it’s possible that your wife doesn’t know much of anything about bisexuality. Did you talk about it beyond telling her years ago that you might be bi? Tiggy suspects not.

Now is the time for a deep discussion about your sexuality, as well as your feelings around her support for your true self. I think she wants this, and it can only be good for you in the long run. Go for it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 6, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 30-something bisexual lady who has been happily married to a dude for five years. I feel pretty invisible to the community sometimes, but I know who I am what I’m about and I no longer need to shout it from the rooftops anymore. I’m very happy, if a little lonely in the queerness.

I have always been out and proud (including to my family) and I think I mostly lesbian-identified for a long time. I’ve always appreciated that the people who cared most about me never batted an eye when I told them I was dating and later marrying a guy.

Recently I have had a couple of “Facebook reunions” with (straight) guys I was friends with back in the gay days. Both of them needed to have the “I thought you were gay” talk with me. For one of them, I suspect it was the only reason he made the effort to get together. I felt awkward having to explain that I was always bi, and the whole spectrum of sexuality and how it’s fluid, blah blah blah to these otherwise really hip, accepting dudes. I suspect both of them of having been interested in being more than friends in the past. They both had that “If I had known…” kind of tone. We were also friends enough that they were comfortable asking me directly about this. Blessing or curse? I don’t know.

Anyway, I swear if I never have the “I thought you were gay” conversation again as long as I live, it will be too soon. I can’t help wondering if these dudes (and it’s only ever been straight guys) would go to the same lengths to have the same conversation with someone they always thought was straight who then married someone of the same sex. Is this a double standard? Am I over-reacting? How should I handle these questions in the future? Neither of these guys is a bad or homophobic person. I just feel like I’m back in that teenagery place of feeling like I have to explain the mechanics of my attractions or somehow justify them. Help!

—Roxy’s Paw

You bring up an interesting point: no, I don’t think they would make as big a deal over a presumed straight friend who married someone of the same sex. But that’s because they would figure the friend to have been closeted, whereas no one expects a person they believe to be gay to actually be a closeted hetero.

Most people have to suffer some oft-repeated and bordering-on-offensive conversation about their perceived bizarritude, like, “Didn’t you used to be a lesbian?” or “Where are you from? [to someone not white]” or “Why don’t you drink?” or “Wow, you’re tall, how tall are you?” I certainly wouldn’t say you’re overreacting but when I receive one of these Questions That Hell Wrought, I allow the initial query, having accepted that it’s human nature to be curious. My response is pithy and canned, and I suggest the same for you. “No, I’ve always identified as bisexual. I dated lots of women in the past but now I’m with a man.” Asked and answered, change the subject.

I find that this first inquiry can be an innocent request for clarification or attempt at small talk. It’s the follow-up questions that tend to be shockingly offensive: “So do you two have sex?” “No, really, where are you from? You can’t be American. Is it one of those little Asian countries?” “I’ll bet someone attacked you once when you were drunk, right?” “How long is your dick?” You have every right to abruptly beg off or, in a situation like yours with generally decent friends, tell them that you don’t understand what they’re still confused about and that their questions are making you uncomfortable. By the way, it sounds like your gut suspicion -– that these guys had a thing for you -– is right on the money. That still doesn’t mean you owe them an explanation.

At the base of all of this is bisexual invisibility, as you’ve surmised. It’s a cross that we bear, at least until we succeed at changing the world. Just remember: you’re not invisible to OUR community. Many of us are in monogamous relationships, lots of us used to identify as gay, and pretty much all of us know how it feels to be treated like no one knows you’re here. But the more you stick with the bisexual community as we grow and band together, the easier it will be to deal with expected annoyances like this.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 21, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Why do you think there is so much biphobia in the LGT community and what can be done about it?

—Kim


Geez. Anything else you wanna know, like the meaning of life or whether God exists? No? Alright, then, let’s take this one on.

It’s an unfortunate reality that vulnerable communities sometimes tear down other vulnerable communities to make themselves feel superior. It’s that adage of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours burn brighter — which, of course, doesn’t work. The mindset is: “Well, maybe I’m [minority], but at least I’m not [other minority],” and to confirm that notion, folks proceed to denigrate and abuse the other group.

But people who engage in this dynamic are not just trying to convince themselves of their superiority. Some of the most socially powerful within a minority group believe that they could be accepted by the majority as one of their own. In this case, we’re talking about gay men (who are probably also white, able-bodied, cisgender [people whose gender assigned at birth matches their body and personal identity], etc.) who think that they’re this close to being fully accepted by the straight community. They figure that they’ll be hanging with the cool kids as soon as they make it clear that they’re not like those losers, the bisexuals.

My public service announcement for any minorities currently entertaining this notion is as follows: The cool kids are never going to fully accept you.

I should note here that it’s not really fair to lump the Ts in with the Ls and Gs in this case. Many transgender people are bisexual, and our two communities generally get along like peas and carrots. More importantly, the trans community does not have the power to oppress bisexuals because we’re equally downtrodden, thank you very little. They are under no illusion that the mainstream will accept them as equals any time soon.

So, what can be done? The solution is to band together and insist on visibility. The San Francisco Human Rights Committee’s 2011 report tells us that “self-identified bisexuals make up the largest single population within the LGBT community in the United States.” The fact is, once our numbers are felt, there won’t be any denying us. And yet, so many people still won’t publicly identify as bi because, as actress Cynthia Nixon stated, “nobody likes the bisexuals…we get no respect.”

As Kathleen O’Neal thoughtfully opined on the BRC Facebook page, we need to create a space where bisexuals can actually identify as such without enduring hatred, particularly from the rest of the queer community. That starts with each and every bi person understanding that ze* is not alone. Bisexuals have conferences, books, blogs, social groups, activist groups, and regular events in every major city. We are everywhere and we are connected. First and foremost, we need to cultivate those bi community connections, battle our internalized biphobia, and be visible.

*gender neutral pronoun

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 7, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 14 years old and I’m bisexual. I came out in 8th grade but now I’m in high school…and no one remembers! I’m too scared to come out again to even more people. I don’t really care what people say, but I guess I’m afraid of not being accepted.

I have one gay guy friend but he is so loud and proud that I wouldn’t bring it up with him. He’s definitely not one to trust with such a topic. Otherwise, I have no one to talk to about this: no lesbian who I could ask for advice, no groups in my town.

I’m not trying to sound all sad and dramatic or anything. I’m just tired of having WWIII in my head. Do I have to come out again? And how can I do it this time so it sticks?

—Back in the closet


It’s not much of a consolation, but I think your experience is pretty common for young queer folks. Years ago, a good friend of mine came out to her mom but then tacked on the phrase, “Actually, I think everyone is bi” at the end, so her mom decided that she didn’t mean any of what she said. She then had to come out to her again. What a pain.

Unfortunately, adults don’t always take 14-year-olds seriously because they assume your identity changes every ten minutes as you try to figure out who you are. As for your friends, maybe they let themselves forget because they weren’t sure how to deal with it, and because they didn’t have to: you probably didn’t talk about it or date anyone. Whatever the reason, I’m sorry that you have to go through this hassle.

You’ve got a couple of options. One is to slip it into conversation with a close friend who you told last year. If you two are alone and she’s talking about some guy she thinks is cute, mention that you think he is too, but you also think this girl is cute. If she reacts with surprise, you can say, “I told you last year that I liked guys and girls, remember?” Try to act casual, like it’s no big deal. Assume that it will eventually get around school, but know that your news might inspire a bunch of other people to come out.

Another option is to start a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance, or some schools are now calling them a Gender and Sexuality Alliance) at school with your gay friend. You can just let people assume that you’re a straight ally until you feel comfortable with the group. If you think your school isn’t ready for a GSA, you might start an anti-bullying club which can focus on protecting the LGBT kids. Either way, you’ll get to know other people in the group who are at least accepting of bisexuality…and at best, dateable. Choose a nice teacher or guidance counselor to sponsor the group; s/he may well become a source of support for you, too.

I’ll leave you with this: if 10% of all people are queer, there have to be a lot of people at your school who feel the same way as you, not to mention straight allies. If you can find these kindred spirits, you’ll feel comfortable talking about this stuff with them, and you won’t have to come out all the time.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 24, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a happily married 27-year-old woman. I am bi, and my husband knows and is fine with it. I’m only out to him, my mother, my brother, and my step-dad, who are all are supportive of me. Other than that, no one else knows, as it’s a bad town to come out in.

My brother has a girlfriend who I really like a lot. She is also bi and likes me as well. They have a two-year-old and recently had a six-month-old who died of SIDS. My brother cheats on her all the time –- it’s a fact, he told me. He also told me that he is leaving her for another woman soon. Please know that I would never backstab my brother; I have been honest with him and let him know that I have a crush on his girlfriend. He didn’t care.

Is it wrong of me to like her? Would it be wrong to date her if my brother didn’t mind? Or should I leave her alone and find someone else? I am very confused because I have never been in this situation before, and with all that’s been going on in her life, I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

One more question, on a separate note: is it normal that when I’m around girls that I act a little “macho” and I feel like a gentleman, but when I’m with my husband, I’m a lady? Is there something wrong with me that I feel guy-ish like that?

I appreciate you taking the time to help me. There really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this.

—Seaweed


Let’s take the second question first: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s fun to play with gender roles and see what makes you feel most like yourself in different situations. Not to mention, it can be way sexy, baby! You can explore a bit more by looking up “genderplay” and “genderfuck” online and in books. There are millions of ways that people express gender, so don’t be afraid to let loose with your macho-lady self (in a safe space, of course).

My only caution is against basing your gender expression on who you’re with at any given moment. If those different camps of friends/family/lovers end up in the same room, it could feel like your worlds are colliding. Work on playing with gender while maintaining a consistent, integrated character. That kernel of your personality is the essence of you.

As for your crush, it’s great that you’re coming from a standpoint of loyalty toward your brother and compassion for his girlfriend. (Er, seems that between you and your bro, you scored the Sensitivity Gene…) It’s not wrong of you to like her, although I suppose the case could be made that your dating her could confuse her two-year-old. But considering all that’s on this poor woman’s plate –- recently losing a child, getting dumped by the philandering father of her toddler –- I think what’s in her best interest is if you don’t make a play for her now. What she’s really going to need when your brother leaves her is a friend.

When the break-up goes down, I’d write her a letter saying that you’re sorry to hear what happened and your heart goes out to her. Then, tell her that you’re starting to have feelings for her. Say that a.) you’re willing to push them aside in order to be there for her as a friend during this tough time, OR b.) you need to take a break from spending time with her because you can’t ignore these feelings. This strategy is all about communication and respect…plus, if she feels the same way, it gives her a chance to let you know.

Keep in mind, Seaweed: she’s not the only fish in the sea. It shouldn’t be that hard to find a salmon who isn’t up to her gills in your family drama.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 27, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I saw your advice column for bisexuals and was wondering if you could help me. I always knew that I was bisexual even before I fully understood it. Now I’m about to turn 23 and still haven’t quite figured out how to deal with it. I’m somewhat open about it…some of my friends and family know.

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for a little over a year and I’m seven months pregnant. Lately, I haven’t been able to enjoy sex with my partner nearly as much as I used to (in fact, almost not at all) and I haven’t had the heart to tell him. At the same time, I find myself wanting female attention and affection. It’s driving me nuts.

I’m still pushing myself to be more open and communicative about what I want sexually. He knew before we started seeing each other that I was bi. Things have been complicated for us and not too long ago, we were both having trouble sexually. I admitted to not being able to orgasm and we just ended up being frustrated with each other and ourselves, even arguing a bit about it. Now I’m unsure how to talk to him about this, so I continue to be sexually frustrated.

I can’t see sleeping with anyone but him, yet the desire for a woman is driving me up a wall. It’s adding to my frustration and making it impossible to enjoy my partner. I have a few bi friends but none I feel close enough to talk to, so I always feel alone. Can you help?

—Wild Spirit


I suspect that a surge of pregnancy hormones is playing a starring role in your production of horniness…on Broadway (sorry, I had to). They say that you get some fierce cravings during pregnancy and they’re not just talking about food. On top of that raging storm south of the border, you’re at a watershed moment. In two months, your life will be full, fast, and completely different than before. And you can count on parenthood affecting your relationship with your partner in countless (and probably unforeseeable) ways.

So while I’m typically in favor of charging in all gung-ho and fixing a problem like some sort of sexual firefighter, in this case, I think you need to wait until everything settles. Wait until your body settles, wait until your new relationship with your partner as co-parents settles, wait until your daily routine settles. In other words, wait at least a few months after the baby is born before you do anything to address this problem. Honestly, it might just solve itself. But you don’t want to do anything rash –- like, try to find a woman to scratch your sexual itch –- while everything is up in the air. It would be awful to make such a mistake just to satisfy a fleeting urge when it sounds like you have something very special with your boyfriend.

Try to reach orgasm through masturbation, porn, and sex toys, and let your partner know that because of the pregnancy, you probably won’t be in the mood for sex until after the birth. He’ll live. You will, too. If you’re having the same problem in, say, five months, write to me again.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 15, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have just recently come out as bi to a few close friends. Now, a year into my marriage, I am feeling less and less attraction to men and more and more of an attraction to women. It’s actually become somewhat uncontrollable. I have become involved with a female friend of mine, mainly on an emotional (and, at times, physical) level. She is so wonderful and when I am with her, I feel so relaxed and I feel like myself. This is not the first time in my relationship with my husband that this has happened. Any advice?

—Bi Wife

Wild Deuces, I have to admit that my first impulse was to be a bit tough on this questioner, as I felt she was being selfish and dishonest with her husband. But I knew that that wasn’t fair to her. I needed to try harder to be sympathetic and see where she was coming from. I thought that perhaps a bit more information might allow me to be less judgmental, so I wrote back to Bi Wife and asked, “Why did you get married?” She replied:

Dear Tiggy,

I got married because I loved my partner. I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him enough that I could suppress or ignore these other feelings I was having. He seemed OK with the fact that I was attracted to women. I’ve had “feelings” for a very long time; I can even remember having them in high school over 10 years ago. I grew up in North Carolina and didn’t really even know what it meant to be LGBT until I moved to Boston four years ago. I thought that all girls felt the way I feel and that it was just a phase. I wish I had known then what I know now.

—Bi Wife

And that’s all it took for me to get over my judgment and see the perspective of this particular Deuce. Actually, I was surprised that she didn’t seem offended by my question. I think if someone asked me why I got married, even if I had revealed that the marriage was not in a solid place, I’d say, “Because I loved zir,* duh.” But in just a few earnest words, she conveyed to me exactly how easy it would be to wind up in her shoes. Thanks for that, Bi Wife. Now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk snippiness, I can honestly say that my heart goes out to you.

I think the universe really threw you off when it gave you the opportunity to better understand your sexuality well after it gave you a great guy. It really should have done it in the opposite order, and now your life schedule is all out of whack. The universe is an idiot and kind of a jerkface. I think this is what scientists mean when they say the universe is dense.

Because of this, you’ve been trying to find your way through this process of self-discovery while staying married. It sounds like this process has gotten messy, and you need to admit the hard truth to yourself that you’ve cheated on your spouse with at least two people. Maybe you’re even ready to admit to yourself that exploration of your queer sexuality while being monogamously married to a man isn’t exactly working. However, I wouldn’t suggest that you make any immediate decisions about your whole arrangement; figuring this all out will be a process, so take your time.

Since you’re in Boston, I highly recommend that you attend the peer-led group, “Straight Marriage, Still Questioning” on the second Monday of each month. For more information, contact kate.e.flynn [at] gmail [dot] com. Unlike with your sometimes-slow pal Tiggy, you won’t have to wait a single second for these folks to “get” you. They’re in the same position you are and will welcome you into their mutually-supportive space with open arms.

I wish you much faith and courage on this difficult figuring-out period in your life, Bi Wife. I can only suggest that you try as hard as you can to be honest with yourself as you go along. And one more thing: I’d hold off on having children with your husband until you get this all sorted, if I were you.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

*gender neutral pronoun

January 10, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a woman and have been attracted to women for as long as I can remember, but have never acted on it. I’ve had a few boyfriends, many crushes, but I never felt like I was being totally true to myself. After I finished college last May, I decided to travel because I needed a radical change. With this fresh start, I felt motivated and in touch with myself, including the fact that I am bisexual – in fact, maybe even on the gay side of the Kinsey scale.

I had a few flings in Cuba, which were exciting but not satisfying. On one of my last nights, I met a guy who seemed really sweet. Late that night, he asked me if I felt anything for him, and I didn’t know…so I kissed him, and it was magical! We spent my last four days together and it was some of the happiest times of my life.

I left to continue my journey but he and I kept in touch almost daily through emails. I hooked up with a few guys along the way, but it was purely sex. I felt like I had met the man of my dreams and I had to take advantage of being somewhat single while I could, as I was a late bloomer sexually. I told him about the infidelity because I wanted to be completely honest with him. He was a bit hurt but understood and said we could leave it in the past.

After five months, I went back to him. We talked about being together in the future and the probability of marriage in order to be together. All was glorious but after a while, I got sick. I started worrying, thinking that my physical unease was from the pressure of this relationship. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I am just learning who I am! It turns out that I had a kidney infection, but all the unease led to renewed doubts about my sexuality. He could tell I was changing; things he would do would bother me unnecessarily. We almost broke it off but I couldn’t, it just didn’t seem right. Never seeing him again seemed unfathomable.

I’ve now been back in South America for the last two months. Within a few weeks, I told him about my attraction to women and how I didn’t know what to do. He said he needed me to know what I want because the distance is hard enough. I felt relief being honest with him as well as sadness. I love him and I want to share my life with him in so many ways…but what to do about the sexual part? The sex with him was good but there’s this nagging feeling that I need to try being with women. How could I let so much curiosity go untested?

The question is where to go from here. I am feeling lost and racked with guilt because my curiosity continues, it affects my sleep and my appetite. In the street, I look at men and women and constantly measure my level of attraction, comparing and contrasting. I have the support of friends and family from afar and am only staying here for now due to a great career opportunity. I want to talk to my boyfriend about how I’m feeling, but not over the phone, and I won’t be going back to Cuba for a few months. My mother told me to hook up with a girl first to see how I feel, but I don’t want to be unfaithful again.

I really don’t want to lose him and couldn’t bear to hurt him. I can imagine a future with him, children even…but for now, all I need is some inner peace. I want to be the best “me” possible, open and loving, because it’s what he deserves and I want to give it to him. Any suggestions?

—Love Embargo

P.S. Reading your advice column makes me feel less alone.

Normally, I edit the letters down to much shorter than this, but I so enjoyed this international soap opera that I had to share it with the Wild Deuces. Love Embargo, you’re a remarkable protagonist: so earnest, so adventurous, so full of feelings, and you sincerely try to treat the one you love with respect.

You know you’ll have to make a choice here and no matter what, you’ll experience pain and a loss in some area of your life. I think you’re asking me which choice is the one that will bring the least pain to your boyfriend, and which choice makes the most sense in terms of your personal growth. Your situation reveals a selflessness toward your man and yet a respect to yourself as a woman striving for self-actualization. Of course, you’ve put Tiggy in the position of bearing the bad tidings…

Ah, Love Embargo. You have to let him go.

You have to let yourself explore. Now is not the time in your life for permanence (i.e. marriage) or promises (i.e. monogamy).You can imagine a future with him but today is not the future; it’s now, you’re 23, you’re seeing the world, and you have yet to “test your sexual curiosity.” Add in the long-distance aspect of the relationship and – as much as you truly do love each other – I don’t see a way to reconcile this romance with reality.

The kindest way to treat him in this case is to cut him loose. I’m glad that your mom so openly supports your sexual exploration but I’m with you: cheating is not the way to do it. Continue the fully honest exchange you’ve carefully established with him. Don’t leave him hanging on to you while you get with other people. It will tear him apart.

I’m sorry for the tears you’ll share as you work this out. I hope you can salvage a deep friendship with each other.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 1, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

After a ten-year hiatus, I (a woman) have started dating a woman. This is not the problem; in fact, this is wonderful. The issue is that when I was a teenager, I never felt the need to come out to my family, and now that I am older, I think that it’s high time, uncomfortable though it may be. 

Now, this woman is wonderful, but my decision to come out at this time is one that I’m making because it’s time. How do I manage this in such a way that it doesn’t put an undue pressure on this very new relationship? I don’t want her to feel the responsibility for what I’m dealing with family-wise, as it doesn’t really have anything to do with her.

—Late Bloomer

Well…doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a pretty big coincidence that you feel it’s time to come out at the very moment you start dating a most fabulous woman (congrats, by the way!).

She’s dating you, and that means all of you — your whole, wonderfully complicated package. She’s dating a woman who has been comfortably out to herself, and possibly her friends as well, for years and years, but not out to her family. Your new belle is probably having a great time getting to know your interesting self, and this is part of that. Not only can she handle it, I’ll bet she’s enjoying the ride. Creating bonds with someone is as messy as a Gallagher show, but if she couldn’t take getting splashed with watermelon juice, she wouldn’t have bought a ticket.

Aside from the above acceptance and lezzie-faire attitude, you can feel free to put off introducing her to your family for a bit. Your relationship is still in its burgeoning stage and your family probably wants to chew on your news on their own timetable. When she doesn’t have to manage your family’s feelings but also isn’t “shielded” from yours, you’ll know you’ve hit the right balance.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 18, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy


Dear Tiggy,

I just recently came to terms with knowing that I am bisexual. I tend to be more attracted to women but I’m still attracted to men. I just got a divorce from my wife who treated me like I wasn’t a man because I’m bi and made me feel ashamed. I’m HIV positive, almost homeless, about to drop out of school, and a veteran of eight years. I have no friends or family up here in upstate New York and I’m at my wits’ end. I don’t know how much more I can take between my ex-wife making false police reports on me, having no food to eat, and being alone. I just don’t know what to do and when I stumbled on your site, I figured I’d give it one last try. I don’t know how much longer I can last like this; I’m not as strong as I used to be. Thanks for listening.

—John from Poughkeepsie


I’m so glad you reached out to me, John. This is a terrible time for you right now but you’re going to get through this. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will weather this difficult storm and come out stronger on the other side because you’ll know that if you got through that, you can get through anything.

You need support, and badly. You’re vulnerable on just about every possible front. If you can move to where friends or family are, do so, and as soon as possible. Move in with them temporarily so you can have a home, food, and contact with people who love you. I suspect that you don’t want to be a burden on anyone but in dire straits — and, John, they don’t get more dire than you’ve described — you have to swallow your pride and ask for help. It’s a necessary stepping stone to getting back on your feet. Keep in mind that until you have at least a temporary home and you know where your next meal is coming from, you won’t be able to fully help yourself. Because you’re moving, you’ll need to drop out of school for now but credits do transfer. It doesn’t mean you’ll never go back. However, getting hundreds of miles away does mean that your ex-wife will probably stop calling the cops on you.

When you get settled with people who love you, your plan of action should be to get into the social service system. Leave no stone unturned: find the nearest support center for HIV-positive people, for veterans, for the homeless, and for elders if you’re 50 years old or older. Ask each of them to assign you a social worker; they can provide and suggest resources like food, housing opportunities, legal assistance, debt relief, and employment. There IS help out there for you, especially since you fall into certain categories of vulnerable people.

John, summon your energy and call a friend or family member today to see if they’ll put you up for a while. If the first person you call can’t help, keep calling friends until someone can. Then throw whatever you own into your car and go to them. Please let people help you. And check back in with me so I know that you’re doing better. The bi community is pulling for you.

UPDATE for “Looking to Provide Support”: There’s a new Facebook group called “Bi Standers” for mates, partners, husbands, and wives of mixed-orientation marriages, state-recognized or otherwise. It’s a cyberspace for all members of these long-term relationships who want support or to be supportive to others.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.