November 27, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a man in my 20s who is very likely bisexual with a slight leaning towards women. From all outward perspectives, I’m a traditionally masculine man and have no issues with dating women.

The thing is, I am going to attend cosmetology school and we all know there is a stereotype about men who are hairdressers. As stupid as it is, I’m really worried that if I am bisexual, women will just assume that I’m a closeted gay guy because of the double whammy of saying I’m bisexual and being a hairdresser.

I shouldn’t care what people think, but I still want to have a fairly wide dating pool of women. Of course, I’m probably the one who sounds bigoted by asking for advice about this.

-Ryan

Is “sincere, thoughtful dude asking a question to which thousands of people want an answer” the new definition of “bigot”? Ah, semantics, you shape-shifting chameleon in army fatigues.

I recently made a new friend on OKCupid who identifies as a lesbian. She said something typically fabulous, to which I responded that she is a truly righteous bi ally. She explained that she’s more than a bi ally – that, in fact, the only reason she doesn’t date men is because her “milkshake does not bring any of the boys to the yard.” For some reason, her milkshake appears to be only of interest to girls.

We all do this to some degree; we “market” ourselves according to our strengths. I’ve said before that how you identify sexually is typically based on your crushes, fantasies, romantic history, sexual activity, politics, culture, and your view of yourself. These many ingredients make up a fairly complex and subjective reality. At the end of the day, how you choose to identify comes down to how it makes you feel about yourself.

In the simplest terms, it seems that you’re grappling with feeling like you’re lying if you identify as straight vs. missing out on the lady hook-ups if you identify as bi. (And for any Pollyannas out there saying, “You wouldn’t want to have sex with a biphobe anyway,” well, that’s easy to say when you’re not jonesin’ for it. As the Bible tells us, let he who is holding an unwanted milkshake in an empty yard cast the first stone.) But you have a lot more options than that.

Read up on how other bi guys handle this issue in Getting Bi and start following the Facebook pages for the Bisexual Resource Center and Bisexual Men. You’ll quickly see that there are an array of labels that might work for you (including “no label”) and tons of choices for who, when, and how to disclose your sexual identity. I bid you go forth and identify yourself in the most personally authentic manner that scares away the least booty.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 26, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter, who is a 17-year-old high school senior, recently told me she is bisexual. I feel like she has been lying to me for years and this has taken a huge bite out of my total trust in her.

Now she wants to not tell her dad or stepmom and I am upset that I will be forced to lie about her to others. She is very involved in her schools GSA – in fact, she’s the president – and I have been asked by several people if she is gay. In the past, I always said “no,” but now I feel like that would be a mis-truth.

Should I encourage her to tell her dad and stepmom or leave it up to her? She is afraid of their reaction, fearing it won’t be good. Also, how should I answer curious gossipers when they get nosy? I want to be supportive and not destroy our fragile friendship but I also need to be the parent and guide her.

-Want To Be Supportive

Imagine you are your daughter. You’re 17 so you’re just starting to figure out who you are, which can be confusing and scary. As a teenager, you’re still pretty dependent on your parents’ approval. Some feelings are coming up, feelings that you can’t control. Sorting them out to any degree takes time. Eventually you realize that if you share them, your friends and family might not like you anymore; if you don’t, you might explode.

Can you see how terrified she must be? It speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship that she trusted you with this information. She needs you now. Framing this as a betrayal misses the point. She was likely questioning her sexuality for a while before knowing enough to come out to herself, never mind anyone else. And once she reached that point, she had to risk disappointing you – her mother, her world. None of this has anything to do with breaking your trust.

Can you also see how all of her options for handling this are pretty lousy? Being burdened with someone else’s secret is uncomfortable…but not as “uncomfortable” as your daughter losing her father and stepmother’s acceptance, right? Tell her privately that you don’t like the secrets and lies so if they ask you about her sexuality, you’ll tell her father and stepmother to direct any personal questions about your daughter to her. If she then chooses to lie to them, please stay out of it. Your daughter needs to feel that she has her own agency in disclosing this personal information.

Nosy gossips are much easier to deal with, as they should be ashamed of asking about the sexual proclivity of a minor. Master a polite-but-confused smile and flash it as you say, “I don’t discuss my teenage daughter’s sexuality in public” (the unspoken coda being, “…obviously, you boob”).

By understanding what your daughter is going through, you can let this new reality bring you closer. Read this, consider visiting a local PFLAG chapter, stand by your girl, you’re going to be fine.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 13, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 15 and have known since I was 12 that I’m attracted to guys and girls. Only two people know this about me and both are bi: one is my best friend in the world and the other is a girl in my Girl Scouts troop.

I had my first kiss with the friend in Girl Scouts. I felt horrible, like I wanted to throw up afterwards. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t really know her at the time, because it happened in a freakin’ church at a slumber party, or because I’m not meant to be bisexual.

I do like girls but I don’t really like the whole kissing thing. It makes me freak out, and I haven’t kissed a boy so I don’t know if it’s just because I’m a nervous wreck or not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

-Emily

It’s because you were nervous. I have a whole boatload of stories from friends who were about your age when they had their first kiss and were completely grossed out. A lot of them leaped to the possibility that the whole gender was a wash, but virtually all of them were off-base.

There’s just so much on your emotional plate at 15, with new dating experiences and societal pressure and hormones and I don’t know what all. Sometimes it’s like every first step sets off a landmine of feelings you can’t possibly untangle.

Try to get in the mindset of framing your lovelife as a fact-finding mission –- that is, a mission to find facts about yourself. But stay in fact-finding mode; no need to shift to analysis just yet. I completely understand the drive to draw conclusions but you’re a bit too quick to extrapolate the data. Just observe for now.

You will need to collect more data to identify trends but be sure to pace yourself. If it was nervousness that made you feel blech about that one kiss, you don’t want to plow ahead and have a bunch more jittery, yuckers, tongue-dominant events, that’s for sure.

Here’s another tip: resist the urge to rank your experiences. Maybe you’re ready for hand-holding or slow dancing. With the right person, those things are no less intimate than full-on hook-up, honestly.

I’m glad you have a bi best friend to talk this out with. Run this by her and I bet you’ll start to feel better about the whole thing.</span

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 30, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Is there a bisexual magazine available for home delivery? I have been searching but cannot find anything.

-Kelli

The first one that comes to mind is the one I subscribe to: the Boston Bisexual Women Network (BBWN) newsletter, Bi Women. It’s produced in Boston but the content is from bisexuals all over the world. Expert bisexual Robyn Ochs is the current editor and she welcomes submissions of personal essays, fiction, poetry, interviews, research, and more for each themed issue. Most importantly, it’s the only other place you can read the “Ask Tiggy” column besides right here!

Beyond Bi Women, definitely check out the latest bisexual magazine to hit the stands: Bi Social, edited by Adrienne Williams, founder of Bi Social Network (more on that in a minute). In the U.K., Bi Community News publishes its super-informative magazine and later posts the content online. The Fence was a great bi magazine out of Canada that’s no longer in print, but you can order back issues on the website. Surprisingly, that’s more than I can say for defunct legendary bi rag Anything That Moves. (Not even on eBay, wow.)

While you can get Bi Women and Bi Community News delivered to your house in a plain white envelope, you can also peruse them via computer. In fact, online magazines are really how it’s done today, allowing for more privacy, convenience, and environmentalism. So unless you enjoy being an exhibitionist, cumbersome, tree-killing bi, here are some online magazines that you might give a shot…

  • BiMagazine.org: the American Institute of Bisexuality’s blog on bi news and art
  • BiMedia.org: a news outlet for bi commentary and a publicity resource for British bi projects
  • BiNet USA’s Blog: all the American bi news that’s fit to post
  • Bi Community News: catch up with bis across the pond with this UK online magazine
  • Bi Social Network: entertainment, news, social issues, and geekery, all with bi flavor
  • Bialogue: bisexual/pansexual dialogue where folks take action, not just offense

As you surf, don’t forget about the personal bi blogs. Shiri Eisner’s blog, Radical Bi, is an inspired burst of opinions and observations from a genderqueer, disabled bisexual in Tel Aviv. And Eponymous Fliponymous is a relatively new site by a bi guy who’s taking the blogosphere by storm. Additionally, if you’re on Facebook, pages like the following are quite active with daily bi news…

…and various other bi Facebook pages exist that are specific to geography or community.

So, my dear, there’s all you need to bone up on bi happenings. If you require more bi news than all these provide, you’ll have to go out into the world and make it yourself. We’re waiting…

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 16, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, this recent post on Gawker about a guy whose dad found out he’s gay via his blog is making me think twice about my answer to this questioner. Is it OK not to come out to a parent when you’ve come out to the rest of your family, or is it ultimately hurtful? Join the BRC’s Facebook page and tell me what you think.

And oh my gosh, was Bilicious fun. Loved seeing you, Lovelies.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 years old, so really my whole sexuality is up in the air. People say I shouldn’t even know who I’m attracted to yet but I know. I’ve liked boys and I’ve liked girls, and I am proud to say that I am probably bisexual. However, I feel like I am way too young to come out, or even tell more than one or two people.

That’s why it’s hard for me to stand up for LGBT rights, defend LGBT people, and stop others from using the word “gay” as an insult. My peers label anyone who stands up for that as gay. I don’t want everybody to know about me, not now anyway. Any advice?

-Amanda

Isn’t it strange how we have an easier time standing up for others than for ourselves? I think it’s more than just not wanting to come out prematurely. When we stand up for our own community, it seems like we’re only doing it out of self-interest but when an ally takes a stand, the objectivity somehow legitimizes her plea for respecting a class of people as human beings. (As if a request for basic human respect is “legitimate” based on who does the asking. Dang, people are weird.)

In any case, you should not feel pressured to come out until you’re good and ready. In dealing with knuckleheads accusing you of queeritude solely to undermine your fight against homo/biphobia, you have a few options.

1.) Tell them your cousin is bi, your mom’s best friend is a lesbian, etc. Then you’ll be in the “ally” role, which feels safer. Please note that this only works if it’s true. If people find out that you’ve concocted a gay uncle from thin air, you’re really going to look suspicious.

2.) Emphatically agree with your accusers. “Yes, I am a lesbian! I do it with every girl I know!” It’ll take the wind out of their sails like nothing else. There’s no sting to evilly-intended words that you welcome with open arms, even if everyone around you knows you’re not sincere about it. This method is a junior version of “reclaiming a word,” which is something that activists do on the regular.

3.) Address it with your closest friends individually, and work your way up to dealing with it as a united front. If someone in your group starts trashing LGBTs, wait until you’re alone with a compassionate friend and say, “I wish she wouldn’t say that, don’t you? There’s nothing wrong with gay people.” Over time, bring it up in a similar way with one or two other friends who might agree. The next time the bashing happens in a group, you can silently give these friends a look like, “Oh no, not this again.” Eventually, I believe one of you will say something and the others can back her up.

Give yourself a break, though, Amanda. Group dynamics are really, really hard in middle school. If you do have the guts to stand up against homo/biphobia, please believe that there is at least one secretly queer person in the crowd who will be forever grateful, and many more who are quietly impressed with your character.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 2, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

This may seem like an obvious question, but I’m wondering how to come out as bisexual. There’s a lot of info about coming out as gay, which is great, but nothing seems to be aimed specifically at bisexuals.

-Lisa

Not obvious in the least, my Deuce! You’ve hit upon a real need in our community: a guide to coming out geared toward the unique obstacles that bisexuals face in the process. How could our fabulous fellow non-monos* have failed to create such a guide by now? I think you may have just sparked the brilliant idea that gets this bi ball rolling…

For now, there are a few resources that, while perhaps not perfect for this task, should be edifying, on-point reads. Start with a recent article in the Huffington Post from BiNet USA’s President, Faith Cheltenham. She shines an entertaining light on the stages many of us experience while coming to terms with our bisexuality in a world that’s not quite ready to embrace us. Next, jump on over to the BRC’s “Coming Out as Bi” webpage. It addresses what it means for a bisexual person to come out and the variety of options one has in doing so. You might also want to look at Chapter Two of Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World to see personal essays on how other bis have dealt with this. Finally, as Faith recommends in her article, pick up a copy of The Bisexual’s Guide to the Universe by Nicole Krystal and Mike Szymanski. Aside from offering more information than Bill Nye doing the backstroke in a pool of Trivial Pursuit cards, it’s fun. It reminds you that there are millions of us bisexuals, and we’re all connected.

Much luck on your journey, Lisa. When the BRC creates the definitive how-to on coming out as bi, you’ll be the first to know!

*Non-monos: Non-monosexuals, otherwise known as bisexuals. Monosexuals are those who are only attracted to one sex or gender.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 18, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 35-year-old single mother and I am bisexual. I do not shout it from the rooftops, nor do I hide my identity from anyone. I have dated both women and men in the past; my longest relationship with a woman was four years, and I have been married to a man. My children accept me for who I am, as do the other members of my family.

My issue involves people I’m dating, whether lesbians or straight men. I continue to get the same tired and overused remarks — from men and women — of how I just can’t make up my mind or how I am selfish. I have attempted to explain that when I am in a relationship, I am faithful and that, yes, I am attracted equally to both sexes. I am feeling so frustrated right now because it doesn’t matter who I talk to I seem to get the same rude response. I accept people for whom they are, and I do not believe that it is my responsibility to tell someone else who they can love or be attracted to.

Should I just give up on dating, period? I am so tired of people thinking that because I am bi, I am going to jump into bed with the next person that walks into my life.

-Star Bear

Girl, sometimes in dating, you can’t even count all of the things that make you want to just give the hell up. A quick break from dating to recharge might be just what the doctor ordered. But there’s no need to completely throw in the towel.

I find that most daters have a particular way of finding a partner that tends to work best for them. It’s possible that your newer ways of reaching out to potential love interests (At parties? Blind dates through friends? Online?) aren’t your jam, and it’s attracting the wrong kind of people for you. Evidently, you’ve enjoyed previous success in finding someone special, so whatever method you used to locate those past partners, keep using it.

Also, in my experience, the would-be lovers who I anticipate being biphobic typically aren’t, and those I think are going to be cool with it leave me saying, “Et tu, Brute?” Are all of the haters that you’ve run into somehow cut from the same cloth? Did their boorish retorts come as a surprise to you? It may be time to drop the kind of person you thought would be welcoming, and give a whole new breed of daters a fresh look.

At the end of the day, I can’t tell you to change your own behavior to elicit a better reaction because this isn’t about you; it’s about certain people’s ignorance, fear, and stereotyping. That said, the best thing you can have going for you when you come out is friendly confidence. It will convey that it isn’t a big deal. And if they still give you a bad reaction, that friendly confidence will allow you to cut them dead immediately, and tell them exactly why.

Of course, if all you’re looking for is a snappy comeback, there’s always this.

Here’s the most important thing: there’s a whole bisexual community just waiting to trade dating horror stories with you. Find us and let us support you! And do I even need to say that you’re likely to find some non-biphobic dates among us, too?

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 4, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am engaged to the man of my dreams and I’m really happy with my relationship as a whole. However, I have a problem: my best girl friend is always trying to get me to make a move on her. She is straight and in a relationship with my best guy friend. I really like her and have been attracted to her for a while, but I feel used. You see, I feel like she’s playing my affections against her boyfriend so that he gets jealous.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose friends but I also don’t want to feel manipulated. Help!

-Korinne

Bad news: your friend is acting like a selfish asshat.
Good news: she might not actually be a selfish asshat, just clueless, and that’s curable.

You didn’t say whether the two relationships in question are monogamous, polyamorous, or one of each, but I figure that if everyone involved is poly, you’d have gone for the hook-up by now. Therefore, I’m going to answer this assuming that both relationships are monogamous, but please write back to me if they’re not.

Your best friend is so desperate for her boyfriend’s attention that she’s willing to hurt your feelings, put you in a position that might blow up your impending marriage, and make her boyfriend anxious. You might wonder how someone could be so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t recognize their own uber-obnoxious behavior, but it happens, and not infrequently. If you give her the benefit of the doubt, I think you’ll likely snap her out of this just by bringing it to her attention.

The next time she flirts with you, respond flatly with: “What are you doing?” and perhaps follow up with, “It seems like you’re flirting with me, and I don’t know why you’d do that since neither of us is single.” Don’t soften it by laughing it off. I hear that you don’t want to cause drama but she’s been pretty up front with the fact that she’s perfectly fine with causing drama. The weight of your group dynamics should not and does not rest entirely on your shoulders. Calling out her behavior is the only way to stop it.

And don’t fall for the ol’ “I was just kidding” gambit, either. If that comes into play, immediately respond, “No, you weren’t. You’re messing with my head, and your boyfriend’s, and you’re disrespecting our relationships. Knock it off.”

You know, though…I’m not fully confident that you’re going to confront her. I know that you don’t want to lose friends, but maybe you also don’t want her to stop flirting with you? In fact, maybe if she was going to actually hook up with you instead of tease you, you wouldn’t mind so much? These are just vibes I’m getting from your letter, and I’ll admit that sometimes vibes get damaged in the mail. But if that is how you feel, just know that there’s no shame in putting off the wedding date until you’re sure that you’re ready for a lifetime commitment to a monogamous partner.

Plenty of shame in cheating, though. In case you were wondering.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 21, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a lesbian who is dating a bi woman ten years my senior. We’re trying to figure out how to consolidate housing. The thing is, she had a rough divorce when her son was two and survived being a single parent by keeping all of her relationships at arm’s length.

Now that things have heated up between us, she has gone ice cold. Her house is more than an hour commute from mine, and I already spend three hours every week day commuting to and from work. From my house, which she helped me pick out two years ago, her commute to work is only half an hour, and a bus stop that we could both use is a couple of miles away.

Her son is a sophomore in college and on break right now, so she wants to be with him and put our relationship on hold. Since my house is a cottage, we would need to build an addition for her son to have his own room. She thinks instead of selling, she should just close up her house while her son is in school. I don’t like that because I want us to all live together, which means she has to sell or rent out her house.

I am only the second woman she has dated, and the first was long distance. She has started coming out but it’s sporadic so, for example, I don’t get invited to some family functions. We really love each other, but I think her experience with men in particular made her feel like she has to be totally independent from any partner, both financially and emotionally. She doesn’t seem to understand that I cannot go back in a closet –- I’ve been out for 20 years!

We really need help turning this corner, possibly through a couples’ counselor. She feels like she could use someone to talk to who understands her coming out process, since she has lived in a straight world for umpteen years. What do you recommend?

-Let Bi-Gones…

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: this isn’t so much about housing logistics as it is her comfort in being totally out. Good for you for showing such compassion, from suggesting a couples’ counselor (instead of just a therapist for her) to preferring a professional who specifically deals with issues of bisexuality. I’m sure you’re frustrated with this, having been out for a score and in this relationship for at least two years, so your balance between patience and looking out for your own needs is commendable.

Please call or write to the BRC (617-424-9595, brc [at] biresource [dot] net) and tell us where you live so we can find you a bi-friendly therapist in your area. We can also suggest some local resources for your girlfriend that will give her the proper support as she begins to fully accept herself. There’s a whole bisexual community waiting to welcome her!

I’m optimistic that you two are on your way to getting closer, geographically and emotionally. The BRC is looking forward to hearing from you.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 7, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy…

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a woman who has been married almost 20 years to a wonderful man with whom I have four daughters. I recently told my husband that I am interested in women and would like to bring someone into our “forever relationship.” He is open to the idea, and we did have a weekend with someone special.

I’m afraid of telling my children, three of whom are adults now. I’m even more afraid of them finding out by someone else even though we haven’t told anyone. How do I tell my children that I am interested in women but I still love their father? Do I tell them separately or all at once? Or should I keep it a secret from them like I have for so many years?

-Lost & Confused

Dear Tiggy,

I am a bi married lady and my husband and I have been swingers for over the last six years. We decided a long time ago that we wanted another woman to join our relationship. I’m happy to say that we have found her and both love her, and we’ve decided to move her into our home. The truth is, I don’t want to introduce her as a roommate but as a second mom to my two teenagers. Would this be a mistake? My kids don’t know that i’m bi, let alone that my husband and I have a girlfriend.

-MTT

Wild Deuces, I always say that there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Of course, there’s no need to go all-out Jonah Lehrer either, but if someone else has a good answer to your problem, Tiggy will happily pass it on to you.

And here, someone does: Loving More, the preeminent polyamory website. Allow me to remind you folks at home that bisexuality describes being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with people of all genders, while polyamory refers to being open to romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one person, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties. They are not the same thing; poly people can be of any sexuality, and bisexuals can be polyamorous or monogamous.

Here’s what Loving More says about letting your kids know about your poly lovestyle:

“Every parent knows their kid best and needs to decide what’s best. As a general rule, however, Loving More always recommends that parents be honest with their kids, in an age-appropriate way.

“Children are perceptive and will pick up emotional nuances between you and others that even you are barely aware of. We find that when parents finally decide to tell their kids after delaying, the kids usually figured it out long ago. Not telling kids can bring them great insecurity if they think one or both parents are having an affair that means the parents are separating. If we want honesty from our kids, we need to model honesty to our kids.

“This does not mean detailing your sex life. What goes on in the adults’ bedroom is not the kids’ business in any household, poly or mono.”

The Tiggster couldn’t have said it better herself. But MTT, let me add something for you: to show up out of nowhere with someone your kids have never laid eyes on and say, “She’s living with us now. Oh, and she’s your new mom,” would be unquestionably detrimental to their emotional health. It’s a bad idea, whether you’re introducing a third in a poly partnership or the new partner of a single parent. Please put yourself in your children’s shoes: they don’t even know that there’s a potential for a new adult in their lives in this capacity. Come out to them as outlined above but don’t move her in yet — can you wait just a few years until they’re out of the house? No matter what, don’t drop this woman in their laps as their “second mom.” I suggest you take this whole thing much more slowly.

For specific tips on revealing your poly proclivities to your progeny, check out Chapter 17 in Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, and Chapter 12 in The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.