April 2, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My local bi support groups are divided by gender. I’m bi and trans, and a bit uncomfortable with picking which one to attend. De-legitimize my gender and hang out with my ladies? Feel uncomfortable as always in a room full of other men? Should I start my own all-inclusive support group? Ask the bisexual center for help? I’m in a quandary. What would you do, Tiggy?

-Mack

As stoked as I am to hear that you have even one local bi support group, never mind more than one, I agree that it can be disheartening when queer groups break up by gender. I find that LGBT entities tend to divide this way because their social opportunities (e.g. bars, clubs) are attractive to either gays or lesbians, not both. But dang, you’d think bisexuals would see the beauty in making sure folks of all genders share their feelings — and their lives! — with each other.

It’s even more problematic for transgender people for the reasons that you imply. True, people of different genders experience bisexuality in their own unique way and may want to connect with those who have a first-hand understanding of that. But dividing into groups based on one piece of our demographic profile denies so many of us the intersectionality of our identities, and the feeling that we’ve found a space where we can be our whole selves.

If I were you, I’d attend the next male and female bi meetings and bring up my concerns. I’d ask if others felt the same way and whether they would be open to reconfiguring the groups based on something other than gender. If a majority of people feel the need for a change, you can go to the bisexual center and ask if you might re-divide the groups based only on time and place of meetings. If fewer than a majority are into switching things up with the current crews, then lead the way to greatness by starting your own all-inclusive assembly. I’ll bet the bisexual center, along with any local trans and genderqueer groups, will be happy to help you realize your gender-holistic vision.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 19, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a bi woman currently dating a man who I love. We’ve been together for two years and we’re talking about getting married. I don’t feel ready yet though because I never thought I’d marry a man. I always pictured myself marrying a woman. (I live in Canada where that’s possible.) Now that I’m dating a man so seriously, I’m having a couple of problems…

A) I find it harder to come out because there are even more assumptions that I’m straight.



B) People in the queer community think I’m straight until I bluntly tell them I’m bisexual. It’s annoying to have to educate even my own community.



C). I am having a really hard time meeting other bi or lesbian women. It seems most women my age are getting married and having children and don’t have time to join LGBTQ social groups. I deeply miss the company of other gay women.



D) The thought of “passing” as heterosexual for the rest of my life bugs the crap out of me, but how loudly must I declare my sexuality, and how often? I’m also afraid this problem will worsen if I marry my boyfriend.



E) I haven’t had many opportunities to date women. I feel isolated and like I’ve “failed” in my life’s mission because of this. At least if I’d done a bit of serious dating of other women (and this was NOT for lack of trying), I’d be able to say, “Well, I’ve done this and now I can decide if it’s okay for me to marry a man because I’ve had the opportunity to have good relationships with women, too.”



F) The support of my heteronormative relationship with my boyfriend is more comfortable than the difficulty of trying to play a male role and then forgetting that I need support too (which happens to me with women). But still I know I’m missing out on that side of myself, which I feel needs development

G) I feel like I need to “make up my mind” about whether or not I’m going to marry my boyfriend. I’m worried that doing nothing (my current strategy) will inevitably result in us getting closer and closer until I decide I love him so much I’m going to marry him. But then I will never have the opportunity to marry a woman, it will be done. But I don’t want to leave him either. But not leaving him leads to the path of marrying him if I take that forward to its logical conclusion. I’m sure you see the debate.



H) My boyfriend thinks being poly will solve all of this. He is A-OK with me dating women with or without his involvement. But I have had trouble finding poly women to date. I’m afraid I won’t find someone and then I’ll be in a relationship which is monogamous and heterosexual, which I won’t like.



I) Even if I find a woman to date while being married to my boyfriend, I’ll still be missing out on having a primary relationship with a woman and marrying a woman.



J) I would only tell close friends about my girlfriend, which would still leave me feeling the total lack of social recognition for my love of women, and for my relationship with any future girlfriend.







Why is our society so against polyamory? Because if it weren’t and everyone was accepting and awesome, I might not have this debate. Oh, and you’re awesome.

-Mary

I appreciate that you think I’m awesome and hope that you would continue to think so even if, say, hypothetically, I have to be harsh on you for your own good. (Wow, foreboding sucks. That opening sentence was like starting off with, “No offense but…” Probably I should have just said, “Brace yourself, Mary.”) Being awesome appears to come easily to some but, not unlike Bleeker in Juno, I try really hard, actually.

OK, brace yourself, Mary (yeah, now, see? That was better):

A.) & D.) Read this. BONUS: you are not alone! Not even a little!

B.) Yes, even queers can be heterosexist. It is annoying to have to school people. We all have a cross to bear.


C.) The Boston bi women’s community has found a lot of success in holding monthly potluck brunches. Folks come for various reasons but there are a fair amount of bi women in monogamous relationships with men who use the brunches as their queer female oasis. Contact the Boston Bisexual Women’s Network (BBWN) for tips on how you can replicate the model in your area.

E.) So as you’re figuring out how to fulfill your desires in an optimal manner, keep in mind that breaking it off with your boyfriend solely to pursue a relationship with a woman may result in no relationship at all, despite your best efforts.

F.) Please read what you wrote for “F” over and over until you realize that this is not a problem.

G.) “I’m worried [that we will get] closer and closer until I decide I love him so much I’m going to marry him.” I can’t imagine how you go on with this terrifying reality on the horizon. See above.

H.) Start a gratitude journal. This will develop your skills in identifying things that are not problems but, in contrast, super-fantastic, like landing a partner who is supportive of a poly lifestyle that will likely facilitate fulfilling certain desires.

I.) Perfect segue to introduce my favorite life lesson: Being an adult is about Shitty Choice A versus Shitty Choice B. Or, the Mary version: Pretty Excellent Choice A versus Still Really Good Choice B.

J.) This might be a real problem but if it is, it’s of your own making (because in this scenario, you’re choosing not to be out to all of “society”). Which means you can solve it whenever you want. Good attempt at having a problem, though.

Mary, you’re asking how you can have the whole smorgasbord of relationship experiences, even the ones that are mutually exclusive. You can’t. Life doesn’t often allow you the option of “all of the above.” And every choice you make will have cons to go with its pros.

My practical advice is to stick with what sounds like a terrific boyfriend. You love each other, he’s open to polyamory, and leaving him does not guarantee that you’ll find a fitting female partner. More to the point: does breaking up with a loving partner just to fulfill some personal gender scorecard sound stupid? Maybe because…it is?

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

March 5, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My wife knows that I have bisexual interests and I have told her about bisexual experiences that I have had in the past. We used to enjoy having threesomes with a very good mutual friend, but now she prefers to be friends with him as he has difficulties maintaining an erection and she isn’t excited by his technique anymore.

I miss that kind of sex in our relationship, but she says she isn’t interested in seeking it out now. I am about ready to ask her if she would let me pursue a relationship with a man where guy-guy sex could occasionally happen. The problem is that I am most excited by bi men who, like me, have large cocks and enjoy being sexual most when members of both genders are involved. I feel that men with this particular set of attributes/preferences are hard to find and don’t really know how to proceed, but my desire for having this kind of sexual relationship just won’t go away. What can you tell me?

-David

Definitely broach the topic of this form of polyamory with your wife. There appears to be very little risk in doing so: she knows that you’re bisexual and she’s participated in threesomes with you, so she won’t be surprised by your suggestion of taking a male lover. If you go that route, ManHunt.net should be helpful in locating a proper dude.

But your letter is a bit unclear – is she tired of threesomes or just tired of threesomes that include that particular guy? Why not talk to her about that and see if you can find men you’re both interested in? You seem convinced that there are only two large-membered men interested in Devil’s Threesomes*: you and your buddy with erectile dysfunction. I’m happy to tell you that you are incorrect — so don’t give up so easily! — but you need to know where to look.

For this, I consulted my good friend, Dr. X, who has not only sampled several sex communities but also founded his own thriving sex club. He first recommends searching for local swingers clubs online, and exploring Craigslist.com and FetLife.com. Although “Fet” does refer to “fetish,” he assures me that it’s a good space even if you’re not kinky: “You can be vanilla and still talk with like-minded people and join groups of kindred spirits in almost any locale on any topic.” 

In joining a sex club, X says, “The ideal method is to connect through someone in-the-know: a confirmed non-sketchy pal who understands boundaries and consent and is a stand-up person. A safe space for bisexual people specifically is relevant especially as a bi male, I’ve found.”

David, let me now be the first to encourage you to take the fulfillment of your sexual desires to their most climactic end. Mahatma Gandhi famously counseled us all to “be the change you wish to see in the world.” He was, of course, referring to creating your own sex club.

Take it away, Dr. X. “Before one even thinks about trodding down that path, there are certain prerequisites that need to be in place for safety and to insure that you’re going to experience the super-sexy time you’ve been picturing in your fantasies. It is possible, but this is real life and you gotta do your prep work.

“The big thing is making damn sure your interpersonal communication skills/negotiation skills/ability to recognize and diagnose sketchy people EARLY ON are honed. If you’ve had a history of being used or not recognizing signs ahead of the 20/20 of hindsight on several occasions, you might want to hold back and take stock. Make sure you’re comfortable with the phrases ‘No,’ ‘No, thanks,’ and ‘No, fuck off.’ Once such personal groundwork is established, you can start a club with select people you know and trust. Put in some structure for safety and filter members to uphold quality and agreed-upon values.” Dr. X recommends using a private Facebook page for group communication.

No matter how you proceed, please know that you have options, lots of people like what you have to offer, and you’re probably attracted to more types than you think. Access the possibilities by having more than one friend in the world.

*a threesome with two men and one woman

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 19, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have been married to the love of my life for a little over three years and we have a two-year-old son whom I love more than life itself. I have always been interested in guys, although I don’t so much find them attractive or check them out. I have had encounters with men before and enjoyed it.

I recently confessed to my wife this deep secret and she was happy that I told her but at the same time was very overwhelmed. I want to do it again but my wife doesn’t believe in any kind of sex outside of marriage. I respect her feelings but I keep wondering about it.

I can’t help how I feel and I don’t think I can go through my entire life suppressing these feelings. I asked if we could have a threesome but she never wants to touch or be with another guy besides me. She offered to try new things but I don’t think this would suffice. Any suggestions? I have no idea what to do.

-Confused

Fine readers: this is why you communicate your sexual desires and preferences to your partner before — or instead of — pledging lifelong monogamy.

Confused, that ship has sailed for you, so let us forge ahead. Since this confession was so recent, your wife is still processing the information and trying, as you are, to mentally fit it into the parameters of your marriage. The information, the parameters, or both will have to be compromised and you’re both still coming to terms with that fact.

You offered some good possibilities (e.g. a threesome, a rendezvous for you outside of your marriage) and her reply was negative. But that was just her initial reaction, and surely you can understand such a response when you answered her proposal for “trying new things” likewise. If you approach this as a series of conversations instead of a single question with a yes/no answer, the process will open communications and grease the wheels of compromise.

Please find a therapist to guide you two in discussing how a mutually beneficial sex life might look. This list of bi-friendly therapists is an excellent place to start searching. For this to work, both of you need to be open-minded about the possibilities. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for her to eventually decide that she’s OK with you having sex with men as long as she can be there (or as long as she doesn’t have to be there). And perhaps once you experience the new things she wants to try, you’ll find them satisfying after all.

Note, too, that being a closeted bi — i.e. one who suppresses certain feelings — can be agony but that’s very different from being a monogamous bi. After all, when you married, didn’t you willingly agree to stop acting on your sexual feelings for other women? What I mean is, it’s possible that just being able to talk openly about your feelings for men to your wife and/or a community of bisexuals will be enough for you.

She’s the love of your life, Confused. I have total faith that with a trained therapist mediating your talks, you two can devise a sex life that satisfies you both.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 5, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Wild Deuces, you won’t believe it: someone did my job for me this bi-week! Read on while I fix myself a shot of elixir and kick my Irregular Choices up onto the ottoman.

Dear Tiggy,

How can you really know that you’re bisexual? I’m 16 and female and, at the moment, I’m honestly confused as hell.

This happened really suddenly. In fact, last week I wasn’t even questioning my sexuality. I thought I was more or less straight. I had my doubts here and there but then, BAM, I suddenly felt sexually attracted to girls. It wasn’t a gradual attraction, it was as abrupt as they come. And when I say attraction, I mean already thinking about sex, dating, marriage, adoption, the whole shebang.

I’m not at all upset with what I’m feeling. I had an uncle who was gay and I’m extremely close to my godfather and his husband. It’s safe to say that I live in an incredibly supportive environment and acceptance on my mother’s part isn’t anything I’m worried about. I’m just incredibly confused as to what my feelings are telling me.

Am I straight and is my brain somehow “experimenting” with my sexuality or could I be, in fact, bisexual? At some point this week, I’d already suspected that I am bi but there’s always a nagging doubt in the back of my head.

-Cadmium

I set about with an answer, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but Cadmium’s answer from between her own ears…

Dear Tiggy,

Hi. Uh, this is awkward. I actually just wanted to tell you that I did realize that I am bisexual.

I was reading your previous replies to people’s questions, and one of your previous answers was right: no one else can tell me what orientation I am. I actually came out to my mother a couple of weeks ago, and what was surprising was that she already knew. Apparently trying to find the R-rated French films she hid last year had given it away. She was happy – actually, really happy – that I had summoned up the nerve to tell her.

I just wanted to say that you don’t need to answer the question I submitted a few weeks back. I’m recommending your column to a friend that needs it at the moment. Thanks, Tiggy!

-Cadmium

Splendid. What have we learned here?

1.) If I wait long enough, you’ll answer your own questions. Not only will this free up my schedule, but incidentally, I think I’ve stumbled upon the philosophy behind Comcast’s customer service.

This is a thrill. I feel like I’ve potty-trained you, Deuces.

2.) Peruse the old columns or do a search (in the search bar on the right. No, not there, under my face. Yes, that’s it) on your queer query to see if I’ve already answered it. Don’t make me repeat myself and more importantly, I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.

3.) Tell your friends to read up on Tiggy and the rest of the BRC site. How will they ever realize what infectious, good-sex-us, silver Lexus, git-outta-Texas bisexuals they are if you don’t point them in the right direction?

4.) If you want to stay in the closet, that’s fine, but then don’t run around asking where your pile of R-rated French flicks went. You might as well drape yourself in a pink, blue, and purple flag with a headshot of Robyn Ochs taped to your face.

“People? People, I have an announcement! I cannot seem to find my well-worn Amelie DVD. Does anyone know where it is?”

“Oh, real subtle, Howard. We get it, you’re bisexual, Jesus.”

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 4, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a guy in my mid-20s and I am confused about my bisexuality because I have only been with women. I actually wish I was not bisexual and when I feel attracted to men it is a feeling I do not like.

My problem is that I have several times (but not always) felt that I am more attracted to men than women. Sometimes the urge to kiss a guy is stronger than the urge I have ever felt with a woman. And when I think about doing something with a guy I can get more turned on than when I think about doing things with a girl. Even when I masturbate the feeling is different, i.e. sometimes more tingling when I think of a guy.

That is not to say I don’t feel strong urges with women. When I see hot girls and I think about their bodies, I just want to go over and grab them. There are also things I prefer with the female body, such as the soft skin and breasts. But as I mentioned before, I have never been with a guy – and I don’t really want to – so I don’t know if these feelings are true or if my mind is just playing tricks on me.

Why I find this disconcerting is because I am not happy with being bisexual. I want to have a wife and kids some day. I want to have a woman I can hold and share my life with. I can’t really picture myself lying in bed cuddling with a man. What makes things even more confusing is that I have never been in love before. If I had been in love with a woman, I might have not been that afraid of feeling a strong lust for men because I would know I was capable of loving women. So whenever I feel attracted to men, I am afraid that I am more attracted to them than women.

In my head, there is an eternal battle. Can I really be more attracted to men when I have never been with one (and don’t particularly want to be)? Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal? Is my body telling me I want to be with a man, while my mind says I don’t?

Apologies for the excruciating detail and the explicit content, it’s just that I am really confused and depressed a lot of the time.

-Chris

Your letter makes me so sad for you. Lying in bed at night thinking, “I don’t want this…I don’t want to be this,” is incredibly painful. I hope my thoughts offer you solace, if not immediately, then in the long term.

The good news for you is that plenty of male bisexuals fall in love and settle down with a female partner. Furthermore, the vast majority of bisexuals don’t like all sexes equally. I’ve come to believe that nature abhors perfect balance just as much as it hates vacuuming. How would a person even measure whether zir* affection and attraction to one gender is precisely equal to zir feelings for another? And even if you did, for example, have a stronger pull toward men than women, you could still fall in love with and have a long term relationship with a woman.

But honestly, I think your wish not to be bisexual comes from internalized biphobia. Your revulsion in imagining cuddling and having sex with a man is likely from the same source. You ask, “Do I feel I want to end up with a woman just because society dictates that that is what’s normal?” and I believe that’s probably correct.

There is such a thing as being a heteroromantic bisexual – that is, a person who is romantically attracted only to a different gender but is sexually attracted to more than one gender. I don’t think that’s what we’re dealing with here, though.

As I see it, your actual problem has little to do with sexuality and everything to do with your need to control your own life story. Chris, the truth is that control is an illusion. None of us is completely in charge of how we turn out. You don’t need to try to force your life to perform the hetero script you wrote for it…in fact, you couldn’t even if you wanted to, no matter how much you ruminate on this issue. So stop trying to mentally measure every urge and feeling because you’re going to make yourself nuts.

Focus your energy on letting go of the need to control your life’s narrative. You can look into Buddhism and start meditating, or read a self-help book like this one or this. Train yourself to welcome whatever may come into your life and you’ll be much more content regardless of what happens.

*gender-neutral pronoun

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 22, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My son-in-law has just disclosed he is a crossdresser and may be bisexual. My daughter would like to have resources to a cope with this as a spouse and support him as he sorts this out for himself. They are in the military in Hawaii.

-Douglass

What great timing, Douglass — the latest Boston Bisexual Women’s Network newsletter addresses this exact issue. The theme of BBWN’s Winter 2013 newsletter is “Mixed Marriages,” which includes mixed orientation marriages, such as one between a bisexual person and a heterosexual person. Turn to page seven and you’ll find terrific resources provided by therapist Betty Schleyer, Ph.D. These include the groups Alternate Path, Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (MMOMW), HUGS Couples, and Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriages (MMOM), as well as research showing that “stable, satisfactory mixed orientation marriages are possible.”

One caveat: having a spouse who comes out as gay or lesbian is a markedly different experience than one who comes out as bisexual. As your daughter and her husband search for compassionate support, I hope they know that if they receive feedback that makes them feel uncomfortable or judged, or simply doesn’t fit their reality, they should trust themselves and look elsewhere.

Meanwhile, I’m having a devil of a time finding resources for bisexuals and allies specifically in Hawaii. Your daughter and son-in-law might want to see what support is provided by OutServe, the military’s new association of active LGBT personnel. (Never thought we’d see the day, eh?) Furthermore, if they’re open to visiting a Unitarian Universalist church — which would not require them to give up any theism that they currently have — there’s one in Honolulu. UU churches have long been a safe space for LGBT people and this one in particular has a couple of conversation groups that may interest them.

And remember, a lack of local assistance is no obstacle in the Internet Age. The BRC has terrific brochures on our website, including one with a list of books on bisexuality and another on how to support the bisexuals in your life. As for crossdressing, please give your daughter this list of the Top 11 Misconceptions About Crossdressers to ease her mind. She’ll find support and information specifically geared toward wives and girlfriends of crossdressers – also known as transvestites – at A Crossdresser’s Secret Garden and Tri-Ess (Support, Serenity, Service).

Good luck to your family, Douglass, and I’ll put a call out to the bi community to send reinforcements to our beloved 50th state.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

January 8, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Before we begin, I have a suggestion for Angel in the last column: try having your girlfriend wear a strap-on when you have sex. Give it a whirl –- it could be a lot of fun! (Why didn’t I think of this two weeks ago when you wrote in? I swear, Tiggy would lose her head if it wasn’t strapped on.)

Dear Tiggy,

I am an 18 year old female and am bisexual. About six months ago, I started dating my amazing girlfriend. She is perfect. She is so nice to me – we write each other poems all the time and we love each other for who we are. If I’m ever upset or sad, she just cuddles with me and I am there for her as well. We have just as much fun sitting and talking or watching TV as when we are making out or having sex. She says I understand her more than anybody. We decided to stay together when I went to college and are still going strong. We are so comfortable around each other and we trust each other with our lives; it really is a fairytale relationship.

Except the part that isn’t a fairytale relationship. First of all, I am not out to anyone and neither is she. We are both bi and like men as well, but we both have never told anyone about our interest in females. Second, she is 12 years my senior, meaning she is 30 while I am 18. Third, she used to be my vocal coach. She was not a teacher at school but an instructor who I took private lessons with.

While we don’t care about these things when it comes to just us, we both want to reach the point where we can come out, proudly hold hands in public, and tell people that we are dating. Right now, we keep it a secret and since she is my best friend, nobody ever questions us hanging out alone together. I’m very worried mostly because I really, really love her…but I am also close with my family. While they might someday accept that I am bi, I don’t know if they could ever accept her as my partner specifically, especially when they were the ones paying for my voice lessons.

We never did anything other than sing during my lessons but it looks like she took advantage of me. That couldn’t be further from the truth: I made most of the first advances and neither of us took advantage of the situation. We just really love each other. My problem is that I have no idea how to make other people understand that.

-Scared and in Love

It’s good that you recognize that it looks like she might be taking advantage of you. Unfortunately, between your “perfect” this and “fairytale” that and poems and cuddles and unicorns crapping sparkly rainbows, you’re otherwise showing very little perspective because you’re butt-crazy in love.

The distance between 18 and 30 in terms of life experience, shared interests, and maturity is huge. Huge. Not all love affairs with a power differential are borne of manipulation or suffer from internal exploitation but some are and do. This is what your family and friends will be worried about when you tell them, and while you might think they don’t get it because they’re not in your relationship, you also have to accept that they could be more objective for the same reason.

Please recognize the potential for a person in her position to control your relationship, and even the likelihood that that’s her aim (conscious or not) given that she chose to be in that position.

Here are the biggest concerns:

  • This sounds like it started when you were a minor.
  • She crossed a professional line.
  • You’re in the closet, which makes you more vulnerable.

Here are some questions for you to ponder:

  • Why isn’t she dating women closer to her own age? (Don’t automatically reach for, “We didn’t mean to fall in love. We like each other as people regardless of age.” It’s seldom that random. Look harder.)
  • Why did she choose to date her student?
  • Has she ever dated someone over whom she had “power” (e.g. age, status) before? Is this a pattern for her?

Honestly, I don’t mean to make your girlfriend out to be some kind of villain. I feel bad about raining on your love parade and I’m not dogging May-December romances in general. But it’s prudent for you to consider the tough possibilities with clear eyes in order to truly know whether yours is a healthy relationship. You say you want to “make people understand” that this is love; to do that, you first need to take their perspective on why it might be something a bit different.

Since the most worrisome element here is the secrecy, the best thing you and your girlfriend can do is tell your friends and family about your relationship. Show everyone your love, let the world in on it. Live openly and start hanging out together with other people – go to the mall together with your friends, have dinner together with your family. If you and she operate entirely above board, it will be difficult for anyone to make the case that there’s something shady about it.

I hope your girl wants to proudly hold hands in public as much as you do, Scared & In Love. Your family will probably have a hard time with this information at first, but there’s only one way to be out, and that’s just to go for it.

© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 25, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

In honor of the holiday, wise woman Tiggy brings you these three gifts. Enjoy spending time with loved ones, Wild Deuces.


Dear Tiggy,

I’ve considered myself bi for a while but almost all of my partners have been guys. I am now dating a girl and am positive that I’m bi since I’m really attracted to her and I love her. But is it ok to miss having a relationship with a guy since girls can’t really have sex the same way a man and a woman can? I’m a little worried and confused.

-Angel

It’s OK to feel that way. This is just part of realizing that your partner cannot fulfill every desire you’ve ever had.

So maybe you miss your ex’s…uh, delicious cooking, but you wouldn’t give up your life with your current partner for all the kielbasa in Poland. There’s nothing to be done but feel your feelings, as the emotional gurus say, and let them pass. As long you don’t use this as an excuse to hurt your partner –- for example, by cheating on her or implying that she’s not enough for you –- then you’re golden.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 19 and just recently came out of the closet as bisexual. When I explained to some people that I’ve known I am bi since I was young, they didn’t believe me. I was crushing on both girls and guys on sixth grade but never said anything about it to anyone. Is it possible to know from as young an age as I did?

-Frankin-nonsense

Let me hand you a virtual mirror: you’re asking me if something you actually experienced is possible.

I’m sure your friends who disbelieve you don’t mean any harm, but they’ve actually got you thinking that they know more about your own experiences than you do. Trust yourself. Don’t let people mess with your head.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m not bisexual yet but I have been curious about gayness for a long time. At the moment, I don’t have a girlfriend and I have been dating this feminine-looking gay guy, or “ladyboy,” for a few weeks. We have not yet been intimate but I date him discreetly, as it’s not easy to hang out publicly.

I am attracted to feminine-looking gay guys but not as much to male figures. I’m always getting excited when I talk to my friends about gay issues or what I would do if I became gay. Yet, I also have feelings for women.

I don’t know how to continue being. Am I bisexual or is this is just curiosity?

-Myrrh?

You’ve done excellent work in identifying who you’re attracted to sexually and romantically. I wouldn’t belittle it by calling it curiosity because I don’t believe a flight of fancy accurately describes what you’re feeling.

Your question boils down to how you choose to identify your orientation. Please type the word “label” in the search bar on the right and sift through what we’ve already said on this topic. If the word “queer” is not offensive to you, you might want to use it as your own label. It’s a broad description of anyone whose romantic or sexual attractions differ from the norm.

And by the way, there is a major community of men who love men who look like women. Many of them find their lovers in Thailand because being a ladyboy is a culturally accepted concept there. Here in America, these people might identify as trans women; you’ll also find a rich history of drag queens (bi or gay men who dress in costume as women) across the globe.

Men who love ladyboys identify their sexual orientation in many different ways. Take a look at this three-part documentary on ladyboys to see one person’s experience.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

December 11, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

When I was first starting to come out (which took an alarmingly long time, thanks to that weird myth that teenaged girls having feelings for other girls is “just a phase,” and the lack of information on bisexuality in my very liberal universe), my school had just started its GSA.

The teacher who ran it was an outspoken proponent of gay rights and we all looked up to her a great deal. However, when I asked her if there were resources or group meetings for bisexuals, I was told dismissively that if the person was mostly gay they could go to gay support groups, while if they were mostly straight they didn’t need them.

Although I was too shy and uneducated about the topic to say anything then, I felt angry and hurt. I knew enough to know that what I was feeling was not the same as being gay and that my concerns and questions were worth addressing. It was the first time I was written off for being bisexual, and although it wasn’t the last, it was the most hurtful.

I’m happily out to pretty much everyone now, including the man I’m going to marry. I’ve considered for a while now sending her a message telling her that she hurt me. She is no longer leading the GSA but I feel somewhat compelled to educate her about the issue. Then again, it’s been almost four years since this happened and we don’t really talk ever. Is it worth bringing it to her attention, or will it just make me look petty or insecure? How far should we as bisexuals go to educate those around us?

-Katie

How far each of us goes to educate others about bisexuality is a very personal choice, and one that is sensitive to circumstances. In your case, it sounds like you need to get this off your chest. I say: do it. But how you say it takes some consideration.

If your goal is to let her know that what she said was especially hurtful to a vulnerable, just-coming-out bisexual teen, then you’ll easily accomplish that. If your goal is to educate her on bisexuality, I’m afraid that has a high failure-rate. Approaching someone you don’t really even know anymore with an attitude that you’re curing their ignorance is never taken well.

Keep in mind that when you challenge or debate someone, you’re not just doing it to change your opponent’s mind, but you’re also trying to persuade all of the people witnessing the exchange. The latter is more likely to work and helps a lot more people.

I suggest that you write an essay for Bi Women, the Boston Bisexual Women’s Network newsletter, about the incident with this teacher and how you processed it. (Submit by February 1st so it gets into the spring issue.) Then, send a paper copy and/or the weblink of the issue to your alma mater’s GSA. Encourage them to have a discussion on your article and on how bisexuals feel in the queer community today. It would be even better for all of the queer kids at your old school if you went the extra mile and donated a copy of Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well.

If you think that your former teacher has any chance of seeing the article or hearing about the GSA conversation, you owe her the courtesy and respect of being direct about it. At the same time that you mail the article to your GSA, mail another copy to the teacher with a short, handwritten note. Tell her you wrote an essay that includes an uncomfortable exchange you two had and you hope that relating this experience opens an important dialogue among the queer students currently at your school. Be gracious: tell her that it’s not your intention to make her feel bad about what transpired between you many years ago. Instead, you feel this is an excellent opportunity for discussion.

And that’s how you get closure while turning a bad experience into a positive one for young bisexuals. Nothing petty or insecure about acting classy, girl.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.